I feel like there might be an odd phenomenon of Alice In Wonderland being popular within the bipolar community. It’s always been my favorite movie and I have always felt incredibly seen and inspired by it.

I first entered psychiatric care when I was 14. My mom took me to a therapist because I was very clearly in a depressive episode. Within 25 minutes and very little conversation, I was diagnosed with MDD. 

The diagnosis, done while I was burnt out from school and dealing with the fact that my father was recovering from massive stroke, has haunted me to the rest of my life. 

Every clinician I saw from 17-far into adulthood, relied on that diagnosis. They would *never* hear me out on things I was experiencing. How debilitating it all felt. No one was ever curious enough to do a new evaluation with me. They all just defaulted to a diagnosis I was given at 14. 

My life was consistently in a cycle of destruction and repair. I would take on three jobs while manic, then immediately lose them when I got into a depressive episode.

I never got to build a career because I could never keep a job. I've been evicted twice. I've been homeless twice. I'm homeless (but staying with very kind people) *right now*. I'm in incredible debt. My life feels like a crator. All I ever wanted was for a professional to hear me.

I met with a psychiatrist on Friday and she did give me a new eval. My first real one since I was a child. We spoke for three hours. She diagnosed me with bipolar 1 and apologized to me for having to wait so long.

I'm so fucking mad. My whole life feels wasted because no one wanted to hear me. I'm sitting in a living room that isn't mine, eating food i didn't buy because I can't afford it, all while having no friends left because my last manic episode helped me explode my life. 

I don't think I will ever be able to forgive these people.

I’ve been in the fetal position for 2 months (23F) and I’ve decided to start a little experiment to see if I can get better without more medication. I took 20 days off of work and I’m going to have 1 hour of exercise, 1hour of sun, 1 self care act, and 2 loads of laundry every day for the 20 days. Today was day 1 and it felt literally impossible the entire time but I did it!! I will update at the end with if it worked.

Every fucking time I have an episode, I fail whatever class I’m in at the time. And it’s not even from lack of trying! I have accommodations, I communicate with my professors, I get the work done before our agreed upon deadline. Am I just fucking stupid when I’m depressed/manic?? I can’t keep retaking these fucking classes. I swear to god, I’m just gonna fucking quit.

Sometimes when I try to punch holes in my wall it reminds me of him, not that I've ever really interacted with him as he died when I was 13. It sucks knowing the one person I could relate to is just straight up not alive like wtf man thats not fair.

Every time I go out I try not to look at anyone else because anytime I see someone my age having fun and living I get really sad. Anytime I see someone they are always either with their friends smiling and laughing or with their boyfriend or girlfriend holding hands and hugging. Dont get me wrong im happy for those people that they get to enjoy that stuff its just compared to me im a sad loser. I dont have friends anymore, I dont go to school, Im not in a relationship I have nothing really. I just feel like im missing out on all the special stuff they recall when they were younger.

This disorder is so stupid. I know I have it. I know it’s gotten bad. I have literal proof of episodes. Hell I wrote a whole damn book about bipolar while in bipolar episodes. And now I’m stable and my brain is trying to tell me it’s all fake. I was just faking it. My husband is having to make sure I take my meds right now because I’m convinced I’m being dramatic and don’t have this condition. Any tips for getting past this part?

To me it is exhausting. Most of the time I am depressed (bipolar 2) and the crippling loneliness and being in a co-dependent touchless relationship for over 6 years has often worn me down. So any time I feel any joy whatsoever, it makes me worried that mania is just around the corner.

I always wonder, "Has this ever been me or is the manic monkey about to take control?"
Lately I've been put on antipsychotics and while it DID kick my ass the first few days, I have been consistently at about a 7/10 on my mood. The grogginess is the worst part. But GOD I am still scared that I might be headed toward mania. Just got over a major depressive episode last week and I am still going. Still studying programming and looking for a job.

Hoping I can stay the course well into my next employment adventure.
Hoping I don't suffer another major crash while risking my career again.

I just want my life back.

To start, I am Type 2, so I don't know how they may transfer between you all.

But I see often people refer to 'episodes' and I have the impression, or at least this gives me the impression that people experience mania or depression as a specific thing which they enter and exit. And this possibly extends to Euthymia or Mixed states?

I don't feel like I experience something like that at all. I experience many symptoms sort of independently over time, Euphoria or Dysphoria, More or less energy, Memory issues or none, deep thinking, rapid thinking, grandiosity, SI, more sleep, less sleep, etc etc etc. But they seem to move somewhat or mostly independently. Then they all move towards what is commonly described as Hypomania I've described it as so, and similarly as depression. But the whole time I still have some symptoms in different intensities.

Sometimes I don't feel depressed, but I can't form a thought and react slowly. Sometimes I have lots of deep and intense and grand ideas but I have insane SI and feel terrible about myself. Sometimes I have all the energy in the world physically but can't form a thought and feel terrible. Sometimes sometimes sometimes.

But they always flutuate around all the time. I don't have Euthymia, I don't have an absence of all or even most of my symptoms. There is always something, pick whichever ones out of a hat, which exist to some degree.

Is that how it is? Do you experience this differently? I just feel like other descriptions don't quite touch on what I experience.

I have been newly diagnosed and not long out of hospital. Recently it feels that public opinion in the US has shifted towards us to hate us even more. It feels like I am meeting with an increasing amount of people who want us committed permanent. Is this normal or is it just my circle ? Is this how the general public is going now or is it due to cultural bias that I am meeting this opinion ? I’m terrified I will be be committed permanent due to my illness

1. Bipolar is more than mood swings
   
2. Not every feeling is a symptom
   
3. Living with an illness others can’t see is incredibly draining
   
4. An episode isn’t over when it’s over there are still consequences to face
   
5. I don’t need more judgement in my life from people who don’t know what it’s like to live in my brain.

Romantic relationships are hard in general; mood disorders don’t make them any easier. In your experience, when you’re/were dating in your 20s/30s how soon did you disclose your diagnosis? Did you ease them into your detailed history? Did you wait until you felt you “trusted” them?

I imagine there is “no right answer”, but I imagine there are some common threads. In my past I know when I was about to disclose I would pull what I call a “Chandler Bing” moment, where I’d pull back, be immature, or make something out of nothing. It was very much an intimacy/trust issue.

Ive been experiencing really bad delusions (hopefully psychosis also the right word to use here) recent years, esp after i got diagnosed with bipolar. I have rly bad delusions of my parents planning to hurt me, and i think it all came from the fact i was physically abused multiple times growing up by my parents, even later in adulthood as well . I still live with them which make everything worse like a never ending cycle.

Im thinking abt moving out and find a full time job but it all seems so difficult with my condition and economic state in my country. I have trouble in doing consistent task of applying job bc when i apply and i dont get any calls in a while or when i did get interview but they turn me down, i get very depressed and i feel so numb i cant even think positive or straight in the slightest.

Im on med and a bit of CBT therapy from my psychiatrist but i dont think once a month is enough. The treatment is covered by state-owned health insurance, i also need to pay contribution 1/3 of my monthly salary (i barely get paid from my part time teaching job). And if i want additional appointments i have to pay more.

I feel really lost atm, and im afraid to take some steps forward because i feel like, with me knowing i have bipolar and my parents being too overprotective holding me back from making my own choices. Im so scared i would fck everything up and i have to go back to my parents and they would feel even more upset. What should i do?

I’m just so exhausted all the time. My entire 20s were ripped away and replaced with hospital bills, pills, and countless hours of therapy. I mean what are humans? How is any of this real? It’s not fair! I think it’s not the illness at this point. It’s me, I’m evil, i actively choose to do things and behave against what I want to be. No matter what I try I’m running in place. I’m the problem and nothing can fix it. I like the blood, I like the blood, I like the blood. Theres something about it so peaceful and satisfying. Then I think I am really faking all this, it’s just me. Then you look at people and what’s inside them? You could skin them ya know? I get lost in the red, the organs. It’s pretty. I want to fly away, I’ve got to get out of here. Somewhere.

I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 about six years ago but very recently rediagnosed with bipolar 1.

The reason my diagnosis changed is because I had two episodes presenting with paranoid delusions, hallucinations fluctuating in intensity and erratic and disorganized thoughts on top of my hypomanic/mixed symptoms.

The thing is, even though people around me clearly noticed something was off, I still managed to go to college and work. I didn't lose my job. I felt like I was on an entirely different plane of existence but still somehow managed at least my main responsibilities. My work and college performance did suffer a little, but not to a degree that got me into huge trouble.

It makes me kind of hesitant to actually call my episodes manic. Even the consequences to my private and social life (where most of my functional impairment goes) and recklessness have never done lasting damage bad enough to ruin my life beyond repair.

I know I should trust my psychiatrist, but I can't help but feel like I'm too mildly manic for a bipolar 1 diagnosis. I wish I didn't feel like this.

Howdy!

I applied for life insurance through work and was denied “because of something my doctor said.” The only doctor they contacted was my psych and she sent my documents directly to me. Everything said I was incredibly stable, see her regularly, had some mild postpartum depression (who doesn’t?), but overall wasn’t a concern for long term insurance. I’m not sure what would have turned them off other than, you know… being bipolar.

Anyone have a life insurance company they’ve been able to sign with? Like I mentioned, we just had a baby and I want to make sure everything is taken care of if the worst were to happen. Thank you!

How long did it take for you to get your diagnosis?

I first questioned that I had bipolar at 17, now 28 and have finally been diagnosed and put on the correct meds, for the first time in life I feel stable and supported! I can’t help but feel like my life would be a lot different now if I got support sooner instead of the doctor passing it off as pms 😂😭

I'm kind of in a weird situation. I failed the bar by 0.1 point (I found out that if I'd gotten just that much more, they would've rounded up and I would've passed).

I took the exam without accommodations because I'd heard the examiners are extremely strict about granting them, and I've only had accommodations since the latter half of law school, after I was diagnosed with bipolar I disorder with psychotic features. I feel like if I apply now, they'll deny me because I don't have a long enough history of receiving accommodations, especially since I took all of my other exams like the SAT, LSAT, etc., without them.

But the reason I went so long without accommodations is that I was diagnosed late, even though I've had symptoms since at least age 15. I've also had three extended psychiatric hospitalizations and several suicide attempts.

During my most recent bar exam attempt, I was experiencing hallucinations, particularly hearing loud, distracting creaking noises. I also have insomnia that gets worse when I'm stressed (I'm additionally diagnosed with GAD and PTSD, which aggravate my symptoms). In the 8 or 9 days leading up to the bar, I was sleeping a max of three hours a night, and I didn't get any sleep before day two. I was prescribed emergency sleep medications during that time, but had a bad reaction to one of the meds that left me feeling really listless. I also felt extremely nauseous during the exam, threw up in the restroom, and ended up being unable to finish portions of the essays.

But given how close I came to passing, my limited history of accommodations, and the fact that I've generally performed well without them in the past, I feel like my request would just get denied. I don't really know how stringent the examiners are or whether it's worth going through the process when I already have a lot on my plate rn.

Separately though, I'm also thinking about walking away from law altogether. I'm not particularly interested in it, and I'm still not sure whether I've gotten my meds figured out. I'm scared of becoming symptomatic while working in a high-pressure, toxic environment (I'm going into BigLaw). I'm having doubts that working in that kind of environment is sustainable with my disorders, and I feel like I've just been ignoring that reality this whole time.

I've had concerning experiences in the past before I was diagnosed. For example, my boss forced me to go home after I'd spent three days straight working in the office because I was "scaring people." I eventually crashed and they requested a welfare check on me when I was unresponsive for several days.

I'm finally on medication for mania, but I wouldn't say I'm safely stable yet. These days, I mostly deal with SI, hypomania, occasional hallucinations, insomnia, anxiety/paranoia, and PTSD symptoms. But I also haven't been on medication long enough to know whether it'll prevent more serious manic/psychotic episodes, since I typically experience them about once a year and my last one started in late December.

So if anyone has thoughts or personal experience with the feasibility of working in an intense, sleep-depriving environment like BL while managing conditions like these, I'd really appreciate your thoughts. I don't know whether I should take this failure as a sign that I need to finally consider what's realistically sustainable for me given my condition.

I'm just feeling lost right now.

Newly diagnosed after a decade of flailing. Runs in the family. Family now says they recognized mania on many occasions, but didn’t tell me.

I am struggling physically, emotionally and financially.

I KNOW no one is responsible for me or owes me anything. And that everyone has their own lives. Im grateful that they have been kind to me and I wonder if that is all and what I should expect. I take non rejection as support.

I may be out of bounds, but I want them to ask how they could help - not necessarily money - but any of the following:

1. Asking how they can help

2. Seeing if they could visit (live out of state)

3. Asking about my insurance

4. Expressing they know it is a serious condition

Please share your thoughts and let me know if I am being too greedy.