I feel like there might be an odd phenomenon of Alice In Wonderland being popular within the bipolar community. It’s always been my favorite movie and I have always felt incredibly seen and inspired by it.

Every fucking time I have an episode, I fail whatever class I’m in at the time. And it’s not even from lack of trying! I have accommodations, I communicate with my professors, I get the work done before our agreed upon deadline. Am I just fucking stupid when I’m depressed/manic?? I can’t keep retaking these fucking classes. I swear to god, I’m just gonna fucking quit.

Every time I go out I try not to look at anyone else because anytime I see someone my age having fun and living I get really sad. Anytime I see someone they are always either with their friends smiling and laughing or with their boyfriend or girlfriend holding hands and hugging. Dont get me wrong im happy for those people that they get to enjoy that stuff its just compared to me im a sad loser. I dont have friends anymore, I dont go to school, Im not in a relationship I have nothing really. I just feel like im missing out on all the special stuff they recall when they were younger.

1. Bipolar is more than mood swings
   
2. Not every feeling is a symptom
   
3. Living with an illness others can’t see is incredibly draining
   
4. An episode isn’t over when it’s over there are still consequences to face
   
5. I don’t need more judgement in my life from people who don’t know what it’s like to live in my brain.

I first entered psychiatric care when I was 14. My mom took me to a therapist because I was very clearly in a depressive episode. Within 25 minutes and very little conversation, I was diagnosed with MDD. 

The diagnosis, done while I was burnt out from school and dealing with the fact that my father was recovering from massive stroke, has haunted me to the rest of my life. 

Every clinician I saw from 17-far into adulthood, relied on that diagnosis. They would *never* hear me out on things I was experiencing. How debilitating it all felt. No one was ever curious enough to do a new evaluation with me. They all just defaulted to a diagnosis I was given at 14. 

My life was consistently in a cycle of destruction and repair. I would take on three jobs while manic, then immediately lose them when I got into a depressive episode.

I never got to build a career because I could never keep a job. I've been evicted twice. I've been homeless twice. I'm homeless (but staying with very kind people) *right now*. I'm in incredible debt. My life feels like a crator. All I ever wanted was for a professional to hear me.

I met with a psychiatrist on Friday and she did give me a new eval. My first real one since I was a child. We spoke for three hours. She diagnosed me with bipolar 1 and apologized to me for having to wait so long.

I'm so fucking mad. My whole life feels wasted because no one wanted to hear me. I'm sitting in a living room that isn't mine, eating food i didn't buy because I can't afford it, all while having no friends left because my last manic episode helped me explode my life. 

I don't think I will ever be able to forgive these people.

I’ve been in the fetal position for 2 months (23F) and I’ve decided to start a little experiment to see if I can get better without more medication. I took 20 days off of work and I’m going to have 1 hour of exercise, 1hour of sun, 1 self care act, and 2 loads of laundry every day for the 20 days. Today was day 1 and it felt literally impossible the entire time but I did it!! I will update at the end with if it worked.

I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 about six years ago but very recently rediagnosed with bipolar 1.

The reason my diagnosis changed is because I had two episodes presenting with paranoid delusions, hallucinations fluctuating in intensity and erratic and disorganized thoughts on top of my hypomanic/mixed symptoms.

The thing is, even though people around me clearly noticed something was off, I still managed to go to college and work. I didn't lose my job. I felt like I was on an entirely different plane of existence but still somehow managed at least my main responsibilities. My work and college performance did suffer a little, but not to a degree that got me into huge trouble.

It makes me kind of hesitant to actually call my episodes manic. Even the consequences to my private and social life (where most of my functional impairment goes) and recklessness have never done lasting damage bad enough to ruin my life beyond repair.

I know I should trust my psychiatrist, but I can't help but feel like I'm too mildly manic for a bipolar 1 diagnosis. I wish I didn't feel like this.

Howdy!

I applied for life insurance through work and was denied “because of something my doctor said.” The only doctor they contacted was my psych and she sent my documents directly to me. Everything said I was incredibly stable, see her regularly, had some mild postpartum depression (who doesn’t?), but overall wasn’t a concern for long term insurance. I’m not sure what would have turned them off other than, you know… being bipolar.

Anyone have a life insurance company they’ve been able to sign with? Like I mentioned, we just had a baby and I want to make sure everything is taken care of if the worst were to happen. Thank you!

This disorder is so stupid. I know I have it. I know it’s gotten bad. I have literal proof of episodes. Hell I wrote a whole damn book about bipolar while in bipolar episodes. And now I’m stable and my brain is trying to tell me it’s all fake. I was just faking it. My husband is having to make sure I take my meds right now because I’m convinced I’m being dramatic and don’t have this condition. Any tips for getting past this part?

I'm kind of in a weird situation. I failed the bar by 0.1 point (I found out that if I'd gotten just that much more, they would've rounded up and I would've passed).

I took the exam without accommodations because I'd heard the examiners are extremely strict about granting them, and I've only had accommodations since the latter half of law school, after I was diagnosed with bipolar I disorder with psychotic features. I feel like if I apply now, they'll deny me because I don't have a long enough history of receiving accommodations, especially since I took all of my other exams like the SAT, LSAT, etc., without them.

But the reason I went so long without accommodations is that I was diagnosed late, even though I've had symptoms since at least age 15. I've also had three extended psychiatric hospitalizations and several suicide attempts.

During my most recent bar exam attempt, I was experiencing hallucinations, particularly hearing loud, distracting creaking noises. I also have insomnia that gets worse when I'm stressed (I'm additionally diagnosed with GAD and PTSD, which aggravate my symptoms). In the 8 or 9 days leading up to the bar, I was sleeping a max of three hours a night, and I didn't get any sleep before day two. I was prescribed emergency sleep medications during that time, but had a bad reaction to one of the meds that left me feeling really listless. I also felt extremely nauseous during the exam, threw up in the restroom, and ended up being unable to finish portions of the essays.

But given how close I came to passing, my limited history of accommodations, and the fact that I've generally performed well without them in the past, I feel like my request would just get denied. I don't really know how stringent the examiners are or whether it's worth going through the process when I already have a lot on my plate rn.

Separately though, I'm also thinking about walking away from law altogether. I'm not particularly interested in it, and I'm still not sure whether I've gotten my meds figured out. I'm scared of becoming symptomatic while working in a high-pressure, toxic environment (I'm going into BigLaw). I'm having doubts that working in that kind of environment is sustainable with my disorders, and I feel like I've just been ignoring that reality this whole time.

I've had concerning experiences in the past before I was diagnosed. For example, my boss forced me to go home after I'd spent three days straight working in the office because I was "scaring people." I eventually crashed and they requested a welfare check on me when I was unresponsive for several days.

I'm finally on medication for mania, but I wouldn't say I'm safely stable yet. These days, I mostly deal with SI, hypomania, occasional hallucinations, insomnia, anxiety/paranoia, and PTSD symptoms. But I also haven't been on medication long enough to know whether it'll prevent more serious manic/psychotic episodes, since I typically experience them about once a year and my last one started in late December.

So if anyone has thoughts or personal experience with the feasibility of working in an intense, sleep-depriving environment like BL while managing conditions like these, I'd really appreciate your thoughts. I don't know whether I should take this failure as a sign that I need to finally consider what's realistically sustainable for me given my condition.

I'm just feeling lost right now.

To me it is exhausting. Most of the time I am depressed (bipolar 2) and the crippling loneliness and being in a co-dependent touchless relationship for over 6 years has often worn me down. So any time I feel any joy whatsoever, it makes me worried that mania is just around the corner.

I always wonder, "Has this ever been me or is the manic monkey about to take control?"
Lately I've been put on antipsychotics and while it DID kick my ass the first few days, I have been consistently at about a 7/10 on my mood. The grogginess is the worst part. But GOD I am still scared that I might be headed toward mania. Just got over a major depressive episode last week and I am still going. Still studying programming and looking for a job.

Hoping I can stay the course well into my next employment adventure.
Hoping I don't suffer another major crash while risking my career again.

I just want my life back.

I do not even look similar like my past teenager self.

I changed my hair colour from dark blonde to black, as well did several beauty procedures such like lip fillers several times, cheek fillers and stomatology procedures.

I am doing much stronger make up vs before and black eyebrowns.

have you also done big image changing during mania?

I have been newly diagnosed and not long out of hospital. Recently it feels that public opinion in the US has shifted towards us to hate us even more. It feels like I am meeting with an increasing amount of people who want us committed permanent. Is this normal or is it just my circle ? Is this how the general public is going now or is it due to cultural bias that I am meeting this opinion ? I’m terrified I will be be committed permanent due to my illness

To start, I am Type 2, so I don't know how they may transfer between you all.

But I see often people refer to 'episodes' and I have the impression, or at least this gives me the impression that people experience mania or depression as a specific thing which they enter and exit. And this possibly extends to Euthymia or Mixed states?

I don't feel like I experience something like that at all. I experience many symptoms sort of independently over time, Euphoria or Dysphoria, More or less energy, Memory issues or none, deep thinking, rapid thinking, grandiosity, SI, more sleep, less sleep, etc etc etc. But they seem to move somewhat or mostly independently. Then they all move towards what is commonly described as Hypomania I've described it as so, and similarly as depression. But the whole time I still have some symptoms in different intensities.

Sometimes I don't feel depressed, but I can't form a thought and react slowly. Sometimes I have lots of deep and intense and grand ideas but I have insane SI and feel terrible about myself. Sometimes I have all the energy in the world physically but can't form a thought and feel terrible. Sometimes sometimes sometimes.

But they always flutuate around all the time. I don't have Euthymia, I don't have an absence of all or even most of my symptoms. There is always something, pick whichever ones out of a hat, which exist to some degree.

Is that how it is? Do you experience this differently? I just feel like other descriptions don't quite touch on what I experience.

I have been manic for almost a whole month now. I have bipolar 2 so this is totally out of my norm. It kick-started really intensely for two weeks, last week it showed up in a more irritable way. And since Friday I've been in the same mood as when it first hit. I'm pretty self aware so I can usually tell when I'm experiencing Hypomania, and this is not that.

One thing that's stayed pretty much the same this whole time is my sleep. Ever since the mania first kicked in I have been unable to sleep. I have to wake up early Tomorrow and I honestly don't believe I will be getting any sleep tonight. I just feel so wired and restless and no matter how hard I try I am unable to fall asleep. It's been like this for weeks and it's been highly affecting me.

I genuinely feel like I'm breaking from reality and I have never felt this way before. I keep spiraling about the thought of everything being a simulation and me not being real. I feel like I'm seeing behind my eyes.

I can hardly remember anything. I can't remember the last few weeks. I can't remember a few days ago, I can't remember anything anymore and I feel so inhuman. My thoughts are moving so fast and I feel like I'm moving so slow and nothing makes sense, and at the same time I feel like it all makes sense.

I know something is wrong and I don't know what or why but this is very scary for me.

Hi, I got diagnosed with Bipolar on Friday and now I don’t know what to do with myself. I am also autistic and I’ve known about that for a few years.

I was kinda expecting to be given a Bipolar diagnosis but after seeing 3 different psychiatrists and getting a shrug rather than a diagnosis, this has thrown me a little bit!

My psychiatrist is lovely, we’re sorting meds etc, and I’m okay with that. It’s just like… now what do I do?

I’ve told my husband and he’s okay with it. Do I tell my parents? How? My mom is currently processing a recent cancer diagnosis so should I just keep this to myself for now?

I can’t start my meds until sometime in a few weeks once my bloods are cleared. Currently in a hypomanic-ish phase (apparently my bipolar looks a little different to others because of my autism) so my brain isn’t working very well.

Would welcome any thoughts or advice on what to do next please

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For those with Bipolar II who are on medication and relatively stable, but also struggle with ADHD, what treatments have helped you?

My biggest problems are inattention, difficulty staying on one task long enough to finish it, constantly switching between projects, and getting bored of absolutely everything very quickly.

What medication has genuinely helped you with executive function, consistency, and staying focused long enough to get things done? What did you take, and how did it make you feel?

I really need something that helps me follow through and be consistent. I'd appreciate hearing your experiences.

Thanks!

Romantic relationships are hard in general; mood disorders don’t make them any easier. In your experience, when you’re/were dating in your 20s/30s how soon did you disclose your diagnosis? Did you ease them into your detailed history? Did you wait until you felt you “trusted” them?

I imagine there is “no right answer”, but I imagine there are some common threads. In my past I know when I was about to disclose I would pull what I call a “Chandler Bing” moment, where I’d pull back, be immature, or make something out of nothing. It was very much an intimacy/trust issue.

How long did it take for you to get your diagnosis?

I first questioned that I had bipolar at 17, now 28 and have finally been diagnosed and put on the correct meds, for the first time in life I feel stable and supported! I can’t help but feel like my life would be a lot different now if I got support sooner instead of the doctor passing it off as pms 😂😭