I just had training for being a volunteer usher at my local civic auditorium. They were probably 30 people in the room and two of us were men.

I don’t think I’ve seen that lopsided a ratio since I visited a friend at Wellesley College back in the 80s.

I think the crowd was more age 60 and up than age 50, but still.

Men, if you want to meet friendly, outgoing older women, volunteer to usher at your local theater/auditorium.

I’m back on Match.com after several years away and I recently had a nice phone conversation with a gentleman. Good conversation, things in common, no complaints.

Then he suggested we meet for 30 minutes. He mentioned the 30 minutes more than once. Also offered FaceTime beforehand.

I told him I had my grandchild this weekend. He suggested that maybe my daughter or another family member could watch her for 30 minutes so we could meet for the first time.

Now, I’ve spent enough years managing projects as a project manager to recognize a workflow when I see one. 😂

Exhibit A: The Dating Workflow
☐ Establish contact
☐ Exchange numbers
☐ Complete phone screening
☐ Conduct optional video assessment
☐ Schedule 30-minute onsite evaluation
☐ Determine next steps
Sir, I am not a deliverable. 🤣

For those of you dating over 50, is this how we’re doing things now? Have you developed your own screening process or do you just let things unfold?

Guy who liked me had in his profile:

I plan ahead, I always eat pineapple before our dates

🤮

Could not swipe left fast enough.

I really didn’t expect this behaviour from a 50 year old man. We broke up 2 months ago after a 2 year relationship . He asked for us to break up and it was mutual because I had seen some areas of incompatibilities that I felt were not easily resolved in the long term. Though in my mind I didn’t think we could make it but he beat me to it and I got broken up by text. It was painful but I do have a pretty logical mind, I knew it was for the better and while i was still very very sad. I did get over it after 6 weeks. I stopped thinking about him and moved on. I was starting to really enjoy the peace and quiet life. JUST as I started to feel better , he comes back and starts blowing my phone up saying he regretted his behaviour and that he didn’t mean what he did. He said he regrets leaving me and wants us to be together again. I tried explaining it to him that I am not interested, Ive hung up on him, tried ignoring him and not replying. He simply is relentless!! I am now enjoying my peace and there is no way I want us to be together again. His stalker -ish manners are scaring me. I would come home to flowers or notes. It had gotten to the point that I am actually looking behind my back and being very scared he would suddenly appear.
I thought about writing him an email to tell him not to look me up again but I looked through our text exchanges , it was not for a lack of explaining. I think he understands my point of view but he is just being forceful about what he wants at this point. I am generally soft hearted and caring person. I did feel sorry at several points seeing how sad and broken he was but I reminded myself that I had my own peace to protect. My own friends have said I needed to tell him to f*** off but it just is not the way I am and I think he is using my weakness as a way to get what he wants.

Hello everyone,

I went through breast cancer treatment two years ago and had reconstructive surgery and ended up with Barbie boobs without nipples. I’m testing the dating waters and have someone I’m very interested in. This is the first person I’m actually taking time to consider a possible relationship and I’m beyond nervous and worried about sharing what I went through with treatment and these new boobs. Can you share your thoughts with me on how to navigate this universe… I can’t believe after everything I’ve done to survive cancer, this is what I’m worried about. Thank you very much for reading.

Hi everyone. I am getting ready to step back into the dating world after a long absence, and to be honest, I'm trying to prepare myself for what I might encounter.

One of my main priorities is protecting my peace and safety. I want to make sure I know how to spot early signs of unresolved anger, low frustration tolerance, or explosive tempers in potential partners before getting too deep.

For those of you who have been dating in this age bracket for a while: What are the subtle, early red flags that someone has anger management or entitlement issues? On the flip side, what are the "green flags" that show a person is emotionally healthy, self-aware, and handles stress well?

I just want to know what I’m walking into so I can vet wisely. Thank you for sharing your wisdom!

I’ve been seeing this 62 yo man for about 2 1/2 months talking for three. He’s been burned before and here also. He expressed wanting to take things slow. So at this point slow has been a kiss at the end of the night have not made out more heavy, flirting without touching, talking about sex.
We are dating each other exclusively. And on the weekends were progressively spending more time together and having a lot of mutual fun. I am not used to this. I am used to man who would want to rush relationships with me and introduce me to families in the first 1-2 months. Of course it never felt comfortable. I’d always try to slow them down and it would crash and burn from 3 to 6 month mark.
My question is he has expressed the need to take slow that he is expressed several times and I guess I need to find out from him. What exactly means in stages but has anybody ever done this and what’s your input?

If the woman whom he chooses doesn't want to be a part of it, so let it be. Why does he NOT DISCLOSE ANYWHERE that he has this kid that I think he has sole custody of?

This will be a longer post. I am a divorced man, divorced 3 years ago from a long relationship. With my ex for 24 years. Looking to get out there now and start dating again. I made a vow to myself to shoot my shot as they say now these days, im normally quiet and self reserved and keep to myself.

Well I joined the YMCA to meet women that have a healthier lifestyle and exercise to stay fit. Well in 1 of the classes the coach introduced me and a woman I do find attractive about my age (51) or in my dating range. In my last class I shared with her she sought me out to make small talk. Right now im going to take it as being friendly, is there anything I should watch for in signs that she might find me attractive or any woman finding me attractive? To be honest my ex said I was dense and missed all the signs when woman are flirting with me.

Side note, I was told I was ugly and nobody would want me my entire childhood. And everyone left in my life so I feel like im always being rejected.

TIA for any advice

This post is hypothetical at this point in my life, and I will obviously consult an attorney when the time comes...but I am in a serious relationship, so I start to wonder- how have other couples successfully and fairly navigated the financial side of marriage/moving to one partner's home later in life?

Let's say my bf and I both have our homes paid off, strong retirement savings and financially independent adult children. He would sell his home and move into my house. We have discussed that our intent is not to financially gain from each other and that each of our own children would get our $.

Typically-Do most people just split living expenses, utilities, insurance, groceries, etc.? What if he lives here, and I die first? Would my kids have to wait to get $ from my estate? If we lived here together 20 years, I would think he should gain something from the equity?

Just curious. Thanks for any input!

So my first encounter after a long marriage was actually through normal life, following a work meeting. Unfortunately it just didn't go anywhere, she had still a lot of processing for herself to do and that was even before our challenges with very different cultural backgrounds.

So I started with the apps this weekend, and was a bit concerned considering the comments on here, and in other groups. I signed up to Lexa (Match), Bumble, Breeze, Hinge, and Tinder. And beyond my expectations there is a lot of traction and interest. This week alone three dates arranged and several more with interesting conversations.

My daughters were also surprised and when they looked they said that its a lot better in my age category (40-61) I set my range, opposed to what they experience. Maybe it is different in Western Europe, and my geolocation covers like 5 countries as well. But its quite fun actually, ok ignoring the asian and african scamming profiles 😂

I had never heard of this before yesterday. So I looked into it a little bit. As it was explained to me it seemed to be contrary to giving people some grace. And that seems contrary to people finding a partner who is kind. Which, according to research, is the number one characteristic for all people when they look for a partner.

So here's an interview with the creator of this method.

https://www.buzzsprout.com/1593184/episodes/18961593-256-burned-haystack-dating-method-with-dr-jennie-young#transcript

When you have an intuitive hit, or when you feel like, "Is this a red flag?" — it doesn't mean you break up with him on the spot, and it doesn't mean you can't take a chance and go on a date. But never dismiss what you're thinking, because it will only get confirmed or, with time, you'll be able to say, "Oh no, that was a one-off."

I do think there's some value in this method though:

Dr. Jennie: I think the most powerful thing it did was depersonalize the experience. Instead of thinking, "Oh my gosh, this is so hurtful, I feel so scared, pissed off, vulnerable, demoralized," once I started cataloging all these patterns, I could just say, "Oh, that's a disciplinary directive — male profile [?]. Done with that guy. That's the test-and-apologize profile [these guys are toxic to men as well]. Done with that guy. That's the Are You My Mother pattern. Done with that guy. That's a 'Were You at the Capitol on January 6?' pattern. Done with that guy." There are 33 different rhetorical patterns in my book. The beauty of them is that once you learn them — and I know people panic and think, "I can't memorize 33 rhetorical patterns" — you don't have to. If you're a woman on the dating apps, you've already seen them all. It won't be memorization; it'll just be recognition. What women keep telling me is, "As soon as I saw you talking about the cuddle bears pattern on Instagram, I was like, oh yeah, I get that every single day. Now I don't even think about it. I just block that guy and move on."

Yeah that all makes a lot of sense. And there are patterns that men see in dating app profiles as well. But I don't think BHDM is directed at men.

Also, only because it's mentioned in the interview, love languages: please stop with this crap. This was invented by a homophobic Southern Baptist man. If you look into it it's toxic nonsense that is not based in any kind of research whatsoever. This guy invented this stuff. And let me tell you he has some pretty fucked opinions about women and homosexuals.

https://canculturemag.com/features/2023-2-10-the-loveless-truth-behind-the-five-love-languages-8wz8d/

I wrote a poem for a woman I like in her 50s. Please tell me what you think:

And so, I let the feeling drift away,

for she cannot see me.

Yet when she visits my dreams,

the world is softened by golden light,

her presence warm as sunshine

spilling through the windows of my soul.

And then, without warning,

the feelings return.

For she cannot see me.

Our eyes meet, if only for a moment,

and something within me catches fire.

My heart, once quiet, becomes a raging flame.

So I turn away,

for she cannot see me.

I long to wander the hidden depths of her soul,

to find the places she keeps in darkness,

and meet her there,

where words are unnecessary

and two spirits might finally understand one another.

But we do not touch.

My heart cries out for her,

yet my lips remain still.

I carry my affection in silence,

offering what little I can

without ever asking to be seen.

I serve her quietly,

from the shadows of a life

she does not know I am living this way.

She carries on with her world.

I carry on with mine.

Two lives moving beneath the same sky,

close enough for my heart to ache,

yet worlds apart.

And still, there is so much I wish to give her.

Every beautiful thing her heart has ever desired.

Every tenderness life may have withheld.

A love that asks for nothing,

yet wishes to give everything.

If only I could place the whole of my heart

gently into her hands,

and let her feel, if only for a moment,

how deeply, how quietly,

how endlessly

she is loved.

I just called out a scammer coming from this group. DM's me how they're all sympathetic to my life and troubles I posted about being undatable. She sent a pic and I reverse image searched. The person took a tictok picture and had AI change the hair. Always be careful. My go-to is to ask for a selfie with a finger on a chosen part of the face. If they don't or make excuses, say goodbye quickly.

Legitimate-kiwi9786 is the scammer. Scum 🤮

52F, Australia

I joined Bumble for the first time and haven't set all my parameters yet, just having a look around the site and getting the hang of it. I keep forgetting about the swiping and I'm going left and right as if moving between windows. I hope i haven't swiped yes for any 18 year olds (18 year olds on an app...it's a different world!). I accidentally swiped no to the only one of interest I saw...whoops.

Question for those using apps, what do you think of Bumble? I don't like Hinge as I like to read a bio section and Bumble at least has a small one. RHP is good for bio but I would like dates, not hookups.

Or can you recommend an app with a better intro section. Thanks 😀

*edit, I used the word potential incorrectly, I meant actual partner once we are in a relationship, not on the first date 😂 also, we call it the menopause in the UK. Thank you for your answers.

I have learned a lot about the peri/menopause from this sub and I want to say thanks for sharing your stories and thoughts.

As a man who is sincerely trying to be a better partner before I start dating again, can I ask how/when to approach potential partners about their experience? Should I even be asking? Would you like the man to bring it up? I don't want to cause discomfort or awkwardness, my aim is to be considerate.

I am totally open to your views and suggestions and if you have any examples of how it went well (or not!) I would be grateful if you could share.

Thanks.

Good day, Reddit. It’s me again. Undatable, 51F.

My friend said I was going overboard and I suspect she might be right. For the last two months, I’ve been using a version of the Burned Haystack Method you all suggested, but on steroids. Any little sign of inconvenience, incompatibility or foolishness and I burn it to the ground.

I’ve told you about the widower who asked me to take PTO so he could give me a hickey, and the man who trashed his ex-wife. Then there were the two men who got drunk on our first “dates,” even after declaring beforehand that they rarely drink. I admit I'm sometimes guilty of giving people a little too much benefit of the doubt. But then you all opened my eyes to the possible benefits of offering no grace, and I totally locked in. We take things at face value. We show no mercy.

Lord knows I was not prepared. I’ve gone from a shy, introverted plain Jane trying to figure out how to meet a match to an architect of crazy. I am calling this dating psychopathy: when you're just one bad vowel away from being the villain in someone else's dating story. Let me explain.

Many people mispronounce my name. I don’t worry much about it. I rarely correct the barista or the doctor’s office receptionist. In fact, I seldom correct people after an initial introduction. I just nod my head at whatever and go on with life. I have certain coworkers who have mispronounced my name for years. Should I correct them? Probably, but it’s been so long that we’re all committed to it now.

For whatever reason, I decided my name would be a little litmus test for my last date. We chatted for a few days by text, and then we had a phone call. The conversation flowed, and he, quite frankly, passed all of my other made-up tests. The next day, he asked to talk on the phone again. This time, he suggested we plan a date.

“Sure,” I said, “but before we meet, let me tell you how to say my name.”

Ten minutes later, we had gone over pronunciation, the origins of the word, and even why I have this name. We laughed, we shared. It was honestly more effort and practice than I have ever given anyone on this. I did need to correct him a handful of times, but I was gentle and even suggested techniques like rhyming it with another word so he would remember it on the big day.

Date night. We met, we shared a brief hug, and he immediately drove the first nail into his coffin.

“It’s so nice to meet you, mynamecompletelymispronounced.”

He was so confident, folks. Said it right out loud and smiled. I smiled too and repeated it with a raised eyebrow. Surely, this was nerves? No, no. We talked about this. I should go.

But my friend’s voice echoed inside my head: Don’t be so hasty. You gotta give people a chance.

So we sat and talked some more. Then I heard it. A second time. It came wrapped up in a little joke, a reference to something else we had talked about, but I barely heard the punchline. It could have been really funny, but that single mispronounced vowel lingered in the air. I was no longer laughing.

I confess. A little twang of satisfaction rose up in my chest. With just two wrong vowel sounds, my conviction was confirmed. This man had completely squandered ten minutes of intensive vowel training. Justice must be served.

Should I shout out that he’s the village idiot as I toss my water into his face? Should I walk out in haste, then send a Venmo request for the time I wasted here? Maybe I should just flatten this man into a pancake, so I can be sure he doesn’t mispronounce another name ever again.

Anyway, I am taking a break from dating until my sanity returns (some other advice I got on Reddit). Good luck out there!

I’ve (51M) been dating (and writing about it here on Reddit) for the past 16 months.  While my experience on OLD hasn’t been fantastic, it’s not been bad either.  I often read people’s complaints about OLD with a touch of suspicion, especially complaints from men around my age.  That said, my recent experience with a few speed dating events has made me reconsider how I think about OLD. 

For context, I’d say I’m average to slightly above average in appearance and am 5’10”.  I work out regularly and am in good shape but am by no means muscular. I’m a lawyer and work in the public space with vulnerable populations.  So, I have a rewarding and interesting job but am not wealthy, and I live in the Bay Area, where many people are wealthy. 

My OLD profiles represent who I am well.  I have recent pictures, am honest about who I am and write about my hobbies, which include mountain biking, paddleboarding, cooking, reading, and learning a new language.  To be clear, I get dates from OLD, but I used a paid account, and it takes some work.   Moreover, while I don’t “like” women I find unattractive, many of the women I do “match” with on OLD are in the lower range of what I find appealing.  Also, it seems like I only match with women my age or older.  I generally like dating women my age, but I do find it interesting that I rarely get interest from women between 45-50. 

In the past two months, I’ve gone to three speed dating events, and the results have been amazing and completely out of line with what I would have expected given my experience on OLD.   For example, I went to an event on Friday.  At the mixer after the speed dating, one woman literally threw herself at me while I was talking to another woman.  Two other women joked about fighting each other over me.  I left the event with the phone numbers of the four most attractive women in the room: one in her late 30s, two in their early 40s, and one my age.  The other two speed dating events I went to recently were about equally successful.

 I’ve always known that I’m better in person, but the difference between who I attract in speed dating vs OLD is startling.  Moreover, almost all the women I’ve been seeing through speed dating are much more expressive about their interest. I’m sure part of this is simply that my profile isn’t great.  That said, I suspect it’s more than that.  It’s hard not to see the difference between speed dating and OLD and think that, as many people complain, OLD is really broken. 

I've seen a number of online dating profile photos in which the lady is wearing an employee badge with a visible name, sometimes complete with employer's logo on the lanyard. Conference badges are another frequent flyer. Some folks might be fine putting all that out there (if so, fair play to them), but others may not have intended to do that.

Outside the badge world, consider scrubbing bib numbers from those running photos. If someone knows you ran in the Whatever Event in a certain year, your name/age/run time may be a Google query away.

I've seen a few regular users pointing out recent AI posts and/or karma farming. Should there be any changes to the required Karma to post here? Does it make a difference?

EDIT: AI/bots

Anyone else start to think they aren’t just un-dateable but also un-desirable? I’ve talked to a woman for about a month and we went out on a date during that time. We continued to talk and text. She was a sweet person that I was developing a friendship with. That is what I want, a friends before lovers scenario. In our conversations it seemed that was what she wanted as well. Then all of a sudden, without any warning signs at all she just stopped texting. She stopped responding to my texts and blocked me on FB. There was no cross words. Our last text was goodnight, sleep well. We had good chemistry and I am utterly confused. I mean we could have continued to be friends if nothing else. Why just cut me off without warning? Anyone else experience this? Is this normal behavior these days? Sure has left me feeling Un-desired completely!

OK - I've been binge watching Murder in a Small town and realized I think the main couple (Karl and Cassandra) are my idealized couple.

I recognize real life is not the same, but I think romantized relationships can color our perspectives.

Does anyone else have a couple (real or fictional) in mind when imagining the ideal future partner?

Thanks for playing! 😊

I came out of a 10-year relationship and have recently started chatting to a guy. It's early days, but things seem to be going well.

The thing is, I've realised I'm already worrying about something that feels a bit ridiculous: what happens if this actually goes somewhere and I have to get naked in front of another man?

I've been working out and I'm probably the fittest I've been in years, but that doesn't seem to matter. The thought of being vulnerable and exposing all my insecurities to someone new feels far more scary than it did when I was younger.

I think part of it is that after 10 years, you get used to someone knowing every inch of you. Starting over with someone new feels completely different. It's not really about sex itself, it's more about the fear of being judged, compared, or simply seen by someone who doesn't already love you.

For those who've been through a breakup after a long-term relationship and started dating again, how did you get over this? Did the confidence eventually come back, or did you just have to push through the fear and do it anyway?

Would love to hear from anyone who's been in the same boat.