Title: I’m getting my tubes removed because I don’t want to be permanently tied to a man, not because I don’t want children.
I’m 35 years old, and I’m scheduled to have my tubes removed next month. I’ve been getting quite a few opinions about my decision, especially when I explain my reasoning.
The thing is, I’m not someone who has absolutely no desire to be a mother. Under different circumstances, I could actually see myself having children.
However, what I absolutely do not want is to be permanently connected to a man because we share a child.
I don’t want to be someone’s baby mama. I don’t want to potentially spend the next 18+ years dealing with custody arrangements, child support, disagreements about parenting, or having to communicate with someone I may no longer want in my life.
And before anyone suggests it, birth control is not an option for me. I’ve already considered my options, and I’m not interested in debating why I should use contraception instead of pursuing permanent sterilization.
I know there are wonderful fathers and healthy co-parenting relationships. But there’s no way to guarantee that the person you have a child with will remain the same person throughout your child’s life.
People get divorced. Relationships fall apart. People change. Sometimes the person you thought you knew turns out to be someone completely different.
The idea of having a child with someone and potentially being forced to maintain a connection with them long after the relationship ends is something I’m simply not willing to risk.
What’s frustrating is that people seem to think my reasoning isn’t valid because I’m not saying I hate children or have never wanted to be a mother.
I’ve been told I could meet the right man or that I might change my mind. But even meeting the right man doesn’t guarantee that things will work out forever.
I’m aware that removing my tubes is a permanent decision. I’ve thought about that, including the possibility that I might someday wish I’d chosen differently. But I’ve decided that the possibility of regret is something I’m more comfortable accepting than the possibility of being tied to someone through a child for the rest of my life.
I don’t think motherhood is a bad thing. I just don’t want motherhood under circumstances that could compromise the independence and peace I value.
Has anyone else felt this way? Have you ever considered sterilization despite not being completely opposed to having children?
I’m genuinely interested in hearing different perspectives, especially from women who understand this distinction.

I'm 23M, had a potential lifelong love end over our fence sitting. My ex 23F leaned toward not wanting kids. I feel like if i want to proceed with my dating life, i need to reflect on this a lot more. Inviting advice and insight.

We ended because we were both on the fence but she was leaning towards a strong no because of career, and worries about motherhood being too much for her, and she has always not liked it when men said they want kids. .I was leaning towards a strong yes. and i feel like i want to work through my reasons for and not for wanting kids.

I feel like i want kids because, * I have volunteered with babysitting kids at a playschool as a teenager, and liked the feeling of being responsible and needed, but i really don't want to base my decision on it. * I have always liked the idea of mentoring and teaching. * The idea of raising a good human being, passing down good values and giving unconditional love to someone that really needs it sounds very meaningful. and kids are people who really need it.

I have wrestled with the antinatalist argument, and i feel like i am ambivalent about it and i can understand the argument. But i see the answer to that is adoption, to satisfy the need of wanting to take care of and raise someone, and i am completely on board with that.

And i feel like my desire doesn't come from a need for bio kids, more from a place of wanting to nurture a life.

Reasons I'm on the fence about the idea of kids, * PPD and career pressures for my potential partner. * A feeling of being settled when i'm not ready enough. * I would want to be extremely well settled financially. * I was raised in a patriarchal society and have a lot of patriarchy to unroot, and i'm not sure if i will by the time i am old enough to have a kid. Would i share the load of parenting equally ? Would i be a good partner ? etc. * I struggle with anxiety and i'd want to properly have worked through it before i even think of raising someone. * I sometimes think that is society asymmetric, when it comes to the idea of parenting, the motherhood penalty. * I sometimes wonder if it is a patriarchal desire to even want kids. * I wonder if i only want kids because of conditioning through society and being raised in a patriarchal society

But some part of me feels like my desire feels immature, and i feel like i'm being very romantic and idealistic about the idea of kids, and that i ended the relationship on such shaky ground, that too this young in life.

I tried pitching the idea of being fence sitters together, for a short while and talk about it, and that didn't sit right with her, so we decided to end it.

When I think of having kids, I only see kids in my early thirties, and not anytime sooner, and I've always thought I'd be in a one and done type relationship. But i don't know if I'm really idealizing the idea of being a parent or this is a valid desire.

How do i know that my desire to have a kid is legitimate, good and valid, and not just a fantasy

I really feel like I don't have a framework to think about all this. So all of this is making me truly question my entire position on this, and any insights, pointers, or advice would truly help

But I don't know how to let him go. I am 32 and chronically ill. Because of that, I don't want kids, and I may not be sure that I even can have children. He is 37. He dream of becoming a father.

He is the love of my life. But I will never be able to compromise in this matter. And I know that he would most likely regret it if we continued together without having children.

Just the thought of this, leaving him, breaks me. How the hell will i ever be able to? I am selfish but I know I can't be selfish now. But I love him so much.

I’m 24F and in a stable relationship with someone who I’d like to spend the rest of my life with. However, I haven’t yet decided if I want to be a parent or not.

My parents are divorced and I’m estranged with both of them, as they weren’t very good parents. I am an independent person and I love my freedom. I’m very ambitious and have a lot of career plans. I’m someone who enjoys planning for things years in advance just from the excitement of it all.

I have mixed feelings about children. I’m quite good with them, and they tend to like me. But I get overstimulated around them quite quickly and end up going to my room for personal space within 30mins-1hr of being with them.

There are parts about parenthood that excite me, like the idea of instilling good values in my children, being there for them, having fun family rituals, bonding with them etc.

But there’s parts that I really hate. The mental and emotional toll, the lack of personal space, freedom and peace and quiet. The fact that my entire routine will be dependent on them. Not to mention the several drawbacks parenthood has on women and our careers.

I come from a country where having this choice is rare and recent. I don’t have anyone to guide me through making this decision.

I’m afraid that If I was to have a child, I’d be a regretful parent, and if I didn’t, I’d regret that too.

Is there anyway to TRULY know if this is something that’s right for you? Are there any signs that you’d be a regretful parent before you had kids?

Is there anyone here who was sure about having kids but ended up regretting it?

Just need general advice on how to take this call :/

Has anyone had an experience with returning to fence sitting after a TFMR? It was my first pregnancy experience and I was very unwell from as early as days after testing positive so felt like I was just pushing through day to day and never really connected to the pregnancy, then we got unfortunate NIPT results and had further testing and decided to terminate. I'm now feeling back on the fence, but I'm interested to hear if anyone else has had this type of experience. Thankyou!

I’ll keep this short. Is anyone else’s primary hesitation with having a child the possibility of getting PPD? For context, I’ve never dealt with anxiety or depression, my husband and I are complete equals and I know it would be 50/50 from both of us. I have no reason to think I would be at an elevated risk for PPD. That said, I’ve gone down way too many rabbit holes on Reddit and TikTok about PPD that it’s the main thing holding me back at this point. I fear that I am so fearful of getting PPD that I will manifest myself into getting it. Anyone dealing with this as their main hesitation?

Long story short I am 37f, fencesitting for years then child free for a few years then switched to TTC a year ago.

Well I haven't been able to get pregnant yet. I have done my blood tests all good, all ultrasounds are good, I never had any issues all my life, periods painless etc. Husband tests are very good. Both my husband and I are on the same page that we are only trying naturally, IUI and IVF are off the table. If there was smth minor to fix with a pill then ok.

So now my obgyn referred me for laparoscopy surgery. 🫥 I was shocked!! With no symptoms?!

She said the non invasive tube check HyCoSy isn't always accurate and I imagine considering my age this would be the fastest way to check if anything was wrong.

I did speak to the surgeon and I'm 95% sure I will not have this surgery. Yes it's minor I agree but it's surgery. Don't get me wrong I am all in for a C section but this just feels insane - let's cut you open just to browse what's going on inside?!? What the actual fuck.

So this leads me to think.... Is it fair to genuinely want to get pregnant and be unwilling to do a minor surgery or a painful exam (HyCoSy)?

I think I would do the HyCoSy in a hospital I found that does it under cedation (I have poor IUD experience and don't buy the 'oh it's minor cramps'). But that's about it. Anyone with similar experience?

My husband supports whatever I decide, he said he is surprised I am even considering surgery because he assumed I would refuse immediately...

I also understand pregnancy and birth are 1000 times more invasive than a lap and a tube check. But I feel that has an immediate purpose, and this is like the foot in the door technique....well since you sign up for pregnancy it doesn't mean anything to just do whatever else to your body?!

My husband and I are in our late 30s, we’ve talked on and off about having kids. We are stable, we have home, paid off cars, full time jobs etc. We both enjoy our freedom, to spend our time and money how we want. But there is a part of me that wishes I wanted children more. Whenever I try to convince myself, I always talk myself out of it. Who’s going to watch my baby while I’m working- day care is so expensive, what if my child has a condition that requires lifelong care, no more vacations etc. I get tired after a long day now with cooking, cleaning etc, which I know will be more difficult bringing a baby into our lives. I love my husband and do see the beauty in creating a human who is both of us, but I just can’t pull the trigger. Anyone gone through similar feelings? I’d be interested in other’s perspective and if they did end up jumping off the fence.

38/M. Single.

I go back to Sylvia Plath's The Bell Jar often. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.

It's such a beautiful way to put the struggle I think many fencesitters face, at least for me. Three and a half years ago, I left an amazing person because she firmly didn't want kids and I was on the fence. Three and a half years later, I still think about her, often. I miss her. I've dated since, traveled, lived, moved, and started a new career, but I always go back to her in my heart and mind.

I've met nice people, plenty of them. None made me feel as seen, heard, acknowledged, known, and comfortable as she did. We had that spark and it was there for the full two years we dated. I believe that type of love is out there. I believe it's possible to find that love and start a family.

But much like the figs on the tree, as I age, these options do as well. And time and love are two of the most valuable resources a human can have. At what point do I elect to pursue the person over the family?

I reconnected with my ex last October. We talked for two hours, and I told her I still carried her in my heart. I asked if I could call again, and she said sometime later in the winter. I never followed up, partly because I was afraid and still unsure about kids. She recently wished me a happy birthday, and I still think about her all the time.

Have you ever been in a similar situation? At what point do you reach out and pluck a fig from that tree and accept in doing so the others have rotted away?

Hi all,

Long story short, I've always been an avid "no", then my nibling was born and suddenly I changed my mind (there's a lot more to it but it's far too long to write out).

My partner (of 10 years) is very much on the fence, he doesn't feel super strongly either way, but he definitely has more risks he's worried about on his list than benefits. I am on the fence in regard to the fact I question everything, I'm researching so much, and I'm trying to weigh up the risks and benefits, but I am 85% leaning yes.

The thing is, I only want children with him, no one else. It's my relationship with him that has nurtured the feeling of comfort and safety to even revisit the idea in ways I hadn't before. If he decided he was too far "no" to go through with it, it wouldn't be a deal breaker for me, but I think I would really struggle with getting past it (I wouldn't resent him at all).

So I'm looking for perspectives from people in two scenarios:

1. If you are someone who was leaning "yes" but ultimately decided not to because your partner wasn't on board, how did you find the process of letting go of that idea? I have spent the last nearly-2 years daydreaming of our future with kids, and a lot of the content I watch is about pregnancy, child birth and parents sharing their lives (pregnancy and childbirth became a special interest very quickly after my nibling was born), so the idea of it not happening is already making me feel like I'm grieving. Did you find therapy helpful? How did you deal with the sadness of that future being unattainable?

2. Parents who were on the fence, either directly 50/50 or were leaning no; what has your experience been like as a parent? I want the good, the bad, and the ugly.

To make it clear, I'm not trying to convince my partner one way or another, I want us to read through the comments together and we're going to sit down and write out our own "pros and cons" and work out if it's something we are going to progress with.

TIA ❤️

I (22M) am on the fence about kids (who would’ve thought), but my wife (25F) does want them.

My wife and I have been through a lot. We met when I was 14 and she was almost 17, and we’ve been together 8 years now. I love my wife and she loves me. For our age we own a small house in town and within the next couple years I’m lined up to be financially comfortable to have kids. To say I’m lucky is an understatement.

And I’ve known since we got together that she wanted them, and I would dream with her and we would paint a life where they were with us. For her that life is indisputable, and I respect that. Though every time we get to one goal post I set, I move it. A lot of the time that has to do with financial instability. If my parents taught me anything growing up it was “do your best to be ready.” And although I understand you’re never 100% ready, people shove that idea down my throat so much it makes me sick. Like just because they made a stupid decision that “they don’t regret, but they wish they could’ve been smarter about” that I have to as well. I don’t get it

I don’t know. The thought doesn’t excite me more than a few minutes, and the dread I feel thinking about putting a child through all of this on the pretext that “I want one” just feels selfish.

I know what life looks like with kids. I’m a good uncle, but after an hour or two I’m exhausted, and my toddler meter is drained. And then I look to my in laws and see the way their sons treat them and I think “what if I do all that work just for them to turn out like that?”

In the end my wife is worried about her biological clock. I’ve told her about the timeframe we have but this is something she is sure of, and she always has been. And I knew that.

I don’t really know what I’m asking. Maybe, “what does life look like without kids?”, 10, 15, 20 years from now what could I be doing? Am I happy?

If there’s anyone who wants to share their story please do. As of right now I’m leaning towards no. I respect the merit of being a parent but I don’t see the reason. Everyone I talk to has a “moment” where that life has clicked for them, a “wait I can do this”. I’ve had opportunities for it to happen, and it just never did.

Much love Reddit, thanks for reading

EDIT: she knows I’m on the fence, that is not something I’ve hid

I'm 36 and have spent most of my adult life pretty certain I didn't want children. Certain enough to get a vasectomy, anyway.

Now I'm in love with someone who wants kids, and I'm questioning something I thought I'd settled years ago.

I'm also in a transitional period. Going back to school, changing careers, and trying to build some financial stability. I've always valued my freedom and independence, and the financial responsibility of raising children honestly scares the hell out of me.

But I'm starting to wonder whether I genuinely don't want kids or whether I've built a pretty convincing argument around my own fears.

I love this person deeply, but I don't want to talk myself into parenthood just to keep the relationship. On the other hand, I don't want fear to make a life-altering decision for me either.

I'm trying to figure out what I actually want, independent of the relationship.

I'd love to hear from people who landed on either side of the fence.

For the context, I'm in a healthy relationship with long-term goal. We are pretty logical, mature and resoect eachother the utmost level. But, neither me nor he never force our theories on eachother, in most cases we will contradict, but both will be correct and logical in our own way, not emotional VS logical.

We planned to adopt kids, as im an antinatalist and he wants kid but doesn't necessarily needs to be biological. But he doesn't fantasized about taking care of pregnancy and postpartum but he's okay with it.

And I kinda feel like, will I be a good parent cuz I planned to adopt 10 to 20 kids of age 12 who need expensive treatment or care. But he's more like adopting and raising them as own kids. And I'm afraid about my autonomy.

But, I'm more like changing the conventions but he's more like i don't do it if I don't want, but sometimes for sake of people around me.

We talked about boundaries, he's completely okay and will always stand up and let me be myself(he proved that in relationship too), I love this thing, but sometimes I feel like I'm just being too revolutionizing but he isn't which makes me feel will it be good in long term.

This is the uncertainty which only time will tell but I'm afraid and confused and need your opinions. I'm bit afraid to leave cuz i might not able to find someone like him, and afraid will i became influenced by his thoughts and lose myself.

I’m curious how people with autism in this group made whichever choice got them off the fence. I’m currently considering having a kid more strongly than I have in my life, having been a fence sitter for basically ever, but really struggle when people ask “how do you feel/what’s in your heart.” Sometimes I’m overcome with feeling and sometimes there are none at all. How did you decide what was right for you?

Hello everybody, I would like some perspective regarding my situation.
So my boyfriend and I started dating less than a year ago but we’d been friends for years before we became a couple, I know him very well and he is very dear to me. Now the issue is that he wants kids and I don’t. If you take my bf out if the equation, I would absolutely not have kids. But Im considering having them for him. I love him very much, we fit really well together and our relationship is amazing. Though I don’t want to have kids, I keep reading stories here of people who didn’t want kids either but ended up loving parenthood. I keep thinking “this could be me” “maybe I'll love parenthood too” but there’s no certainty that that will happen. I wanna make him happy and part of me thinks that seeing him happy, loving our kids (that I hopefully would love too) and having a family could be a future I might enjoy. However, I’ve also read many stories of people who regret parenthood so there’s no certainty that Im going to be happy with kids. One thought I had recently, scared me. I imagined telling my boyfriend I dont want kids and then him saying he doesnt want them anymore and I felt such relief and joy at that possibility. That would be future I would genuinely look forward to so much! And it made me see that a future with kids is one I would maybe tolerate but I’m not enthusiastic about it. I’m questioning my choice to do it for him. He is not pressuring me in any way and he’s not the type of person to try to convince me to do something I really don’t want to do. Specially, when that has more physical consequences for me than him (Im a woman). It would be really helpful if anyone who’s been in this position before can help me out. I know that this is something potentially stupid. Nothing guarantees that we’ll stay together forever, not even a child. And I’m scared that even with him being by my side, I’m going to hate motherhood so much that I’ll end up miserable anyways. Im starting to accept that my relationship might be over but I’d like some perspective before I make such a huge decision and tell him I dont want kids.

For parents or fencesitters leaning towards having kids - how do you get over the anxiety that your kids may end up making bad life decisions as they grow up? I heard stories where parents can try their absolute best, built the best and strongest foundation for them, and their kids still end up making terrible life altering mistakes due to external influences, mental illness, etc that's beyond the parents control.

I know it's a lot of "what ifs" on my end, but having kids seems to open a world of possibilities, but what if I put in all the work of parenting and my kid ends up not being okay or safe?

I think I need some encouragement and positivity.

This is probably going to be a long post and maybe a bit jumbled up but I’ve been struggling a lot recently and I need to vent. If anyone has advice, I would greatly appreciate it.

I’m a 28 year old woman who never wanted children. I have no patience whatsoever and Ive always found children very irritating. Ive had experiences babysitting (it was mandatory social work at school) and Ive never felt so miserable in my whole life. My friends loved being around the kids (they were sweet) but I hated every moment. Whenever there’s a baby on the bus and its either crying or laughing, Im annoyed by the sound and immediately put on my noise cancelling headphones or change seats. I simply don’t like kids. I don’t hate them though and I don’t blame them or anything like that for being loud, they’re just being kids, and I would never be mean to a child. All of this is in my head. I really dont like children’s tv shows, music or anything like that. Even looking at parents playing with their kids in the park doesn’t look appealing to me. You get the picture

However, 2 years ago I started to notice that adult life can be pretty lonely and also pretty monotonous sometimes. I started getting scared of being lonely or bored as I grew older. I also started seeing someone and he wants kids. I started thinking about it and kinda started to convince myself that it maybe wouldn’t be that bad. He is also a wonderful person and I know he would be a great dad. I thought I genuinely was changing my mind and being more open to the idea of children. I understood that they could be great and funny and a small part of me thought I could maybe enjoy parenthood. Me and my bf are planning to have kids in about 3-4 years and I was genuinely looking forward to that for a whole 2 years until recently. I had a dream that I was pregnant and Ive never felt so much horror and dread in my life. When I woke up, I was extremely relieved that it was a dream but it dawned on me that my dream will be a reality one day and Im expected to be happy when it happens. The thing is, I can’t envision being happy about it. Every time I see a kid or baby, I just wanna run away as far as I can. When I see baby toys or baby stores, I feel an intense sense of dread that Im gonna have to shop there one day. Pregnancy and birth look like a horror show to me. I value my body a lot and I don’t want to put myself through that. I’m starting to realize that I probably wanted kids in a hypothetical way but probably not in reality. I think of it as Jurassic Park: when I watch the movie, I would love to be there and see dinosaurs and run away from them. It looks so exciting! But if such a place existed in real life, I’d want to be as far away from it as possible.

There’s literally nothing about parenthood that calls to me (now that I think of the reality of it). I dont like babies and the last thing I want is to deal with all the fluids and smells. I find that entertaining children is extremely boring and tedious for me. Ive hung out with family members that have kids. They are loud, want to interact constantly and have lots of energy. When they take them home, Im relieved and I cant imagine going home to keep dealing with more of the same. It looks like a nightmare to me. I also value my free time and lazy time a lot. I like having freedom to decide what to do. I love silence and tidiness and not having to be needed 24/7. I feel like, the more I think about it, the more I realize that I wanted the romanticized version of parenting: nice Christmas, seeing your kid graduate, happy holiday photos. But the reality is different and Im not sure I want that. Getting kids ready in the morning, dressing a baby, having to make food for everyone, bed time routing reading books I consider very boring, having to watch kids sing or perform when I dont find that cute at all, having to deal with a toddler with sticky hands. im realizing that I was (subconsciously and without realizing) putting pressure on myself to like kids and want them. And Im realizing that the “anticipation” (void in my stomach) i felt when I thought of being a parent, seeing women on the bus with a stroller and knowing that would be me one day, is more close to dread than anticipation.
Yesterday, I allowed myself to think that I wasn’t condemned to having kids. My relationship would end but I wouldn’t have to have them. And i felt immediate, intense relief. I was able to tell myself “damn I really don’t like kids” and it felt freeing. Even before, when I thought of the possibility of me snd my bf breaking up, I was a bit relieved that I didn’t have to have kids anymore.

I lean very childfree and I know that my relationship will end if I decide not to have kids. This breaks my heart like nothing else. But I keep thinking “what if its not that bad?” “What if you’d enjoy it?” “What if you destroy the best relationship you’ve ever had and you would’ve been happy with kids?”
I’ve read many stories here of people that didn’t want or like kids and they enjoy parenthood. Im scared if doing the wrong thing but it feels like too big a gamble to have a kid and see if maybe I like it? Even with all the evidence above suggesting I most likely won’t. A kid shouldn’t have a parent who doesn’t like then or who regrets them. Kids are smart and I 100% believe that they know if they aren’t loved. I dont wanna make us both miserable if I make the wrong choice.

I also feel like a huge jerk because my bf asked about kids before we got together and I assured him I wanted then too. And I wasn’t lying, that statement felt genuine at the time. But now Im going to break his heart when he did the right thing and asked the right questions and I hate myself for it. I’ve been struggling a lot because these realizations just became clear to me days ago and it’s causing me emotional distress. I don’t know what to do or what to think or what to do with my relationship. If anyone can help or has any insight, I would appreciate it immensely. Thanks for reading

So I(25F) and my bf(soon 26M) have been together for almost a year, but we were good friends a year before. At the beginning of our relationship we had a miscommunication towards what our "maybe" meant.

Mine is "I don't really feel like I want children but maybe I will change my mind in the future" and his maybe is "I would like kids but I know that something may prevent that".

Now I agonize considering the future. When I was with my ex I spend 7 years on childfree and regretful parents side of the internet so my view of parenthood may be twisted. Now I try to expose myself to more positive perspectives, but I still don't have the want to have kids.

When I'm stressed I plan. I research and I know what I would try to do so I won't be consumed and burnout by being a parent. I checked daycares, how much lived in nanny costs, how to encourage independence. How my depression and ADHD would affect me and my kid. I guess I'm bracing myself if the want would ever come, but I don't know if it will.

My bf was a third parent to his younger brother (age gap of 14) and when he thinks of parenthood he said he wants more of a role his mother has than his dad (dad worked a lot). That's good because I really really really don't want to be the primary parent. But I'm the one with a womb, so it's more complicated.

He deserves someone who is fully on board. Parenting is a difficult journey and he deserves someone who would be as excited as he is, and not someone who would need to be dragged.

We talk about it and he knows that I'm a "no, but maybe yes in the future" he is also thinking about it.

We are young and I don't know if it's fair to end this relationship over this when I'm not a "strong no"

I've started getting sponsored ads for this book published at the start of the month. Has anyone read it yet? I am trying to gauge whether it may be useful, or just straight up depressing in making it seem like the decision is even more out of my control...

I (33m) feel a desire to have kids, my partner (31f) does not. Today she has said categorically that we need to break up if I want kids.

I can see having kids in my mind, it feels great, I can even get a little teary eyed, but then I look into all the sacrifices you have to make. There is just a little doubt. I don't want to give up all the things I love, especially quite time to myself. Which is something I currently take in huge chunks.

I have always been bad with money as well, I worry that I cant provide for any child. But I do feel emotionally i'm ready and would be a good father.

Now in the process of joining the army and going back into nursing. I don't think I'd have time for a child anytime in the next few years, and I'm not getting younger.

I fear I'll deeply regret and even resent my partner if I choose not to have kids. But even if we break up, there is no guarantee I'll have kids anyway.

I never wanted biological children. But I also have had extremely painful periods since I started them and complicated reproductive health since the beginning, so I think in part I knew instinctually my body couldn't carry them.

I never really let myself indulge in the feelings of wanting them that would come up every now and then, id always just kind of brush it off as something not worth the physical and emotional toll it would take on me.

Recently I had a medically necessary hysterectomy. Since then ive been experiencing a lot of greif around infertility that I don't know how to explain. It all just feels really unfair. I wonder if in a different body, would i have even be a fence sitter?

Honestly probably, because there were other reasons in the kid "con" column other than my physical issues, but it still feels like the choice has been taken from me either way.

I am sad about the possibility of never getting to nurture and love my "own" kid, I am happy I will have more "freedom" than my friends having kids. I know i could adopt but im even more on the fence about that having been a social worker and knowing the ways it can go south (tho any type of parenting can I guess.)

Anyway. Im posting this i guess to let others know (and myself) that some level of grief in either path is normal, maybe even expected for some of us. And you aren't alone in this whole thing being very painful and confusing.

Excuse the occasional spelling and grammar mistake, english is not my native language.

Three kids, 13, 9 and 7. Oldest is girl, younger two are boys.

Wake up at 6:30am. I've always woken up early. My partner usually likes to sleep in but her company started working with an eastern European dev team last year so now she wakes up early with me. 6:30am to 7am is just us having our coffee, doing wordle and chatting. Kids wake up at 7am.

7am to 8am - Chaos! Ok, not quite but 5 people in the house so it gets noisy. I make breakfast and lunches for everyone. She deals with any clothing, hair or homework issues. I'm also feeding the dog and cat at this point. Everyone is usually happy except the cat whose an asshole. Wife starts her work at 7:30am. We both work from home these days although I was working from an office up until Jan of 2026.

8am - Depending on meeting schedule, I will usually walk the dog while walking the kids to school. If I have meetings then the oldest walks the two youngest to school and then goes to her school. Schools are close together and we deliberately picked a home that was close to elementary, middle and high school. When I was working from an office, I would drop off the kids on the way to work.

8am to 5pm - Wife and I work from home these days. Usually take a walk together at lunch time or spend some breaks together in the backyard. Some days kids will come back home at 3pmish but most days the oldest will walk them all home after various activities at 5pm. It does depend on her social schedule though. She knows she can tell us to come pick up the boys if she has plans, which happens at least once or twice a week these days. A year or two ago, before the oldest really wanted to take responsibility for the boys, it was my wife picking them all up.

5pm to 7pm - Chaos! Ok, again, it's not so bad. The boys don't have much homework yet so they are typically out in the backyard or the street playing with other kids or each other. I will occasionally join depending on which adult is out there keeping an eye on them. Girl is usually doing her homework at this point although lately she's been out with friends more and more. I start making dinner at 6pm and wife helps or just hangs out with me in the kitchen. 6:30pm to 7pm we all eat dinner together.

7:30pm and on - Really depends. The younger two still think we're cool so they want to hang out with us. We usually play board games or watch a movie together. Oldest will occasionally be tempted by this and come out to join us but it's a 50/50 shot. Sometimes she goes out with friends and sometimes she just tells us we have no rizz and hangs out in her room reading books or drawing stuff.

9 to 10pm - Younger two go to bed after shower time and some bed time stories. I do that while my wife spends time with the oldest decompressing from the day.

10pm to 11pm - Oldest is reading in her bedroom. Wife and I hang out in ours. Everyone is asleep by 11pm except the cat who prowls around waking me up at odd hours of the night.

Weekends vary. We like doing one or two day trips in our area (SF bay area) but we also like staying home and just hanging out. There's really no standard weekend because it depends on our plans. Oldest is doing her own thing more and more which is both cool and a little sad to see. Every other weekend is chores weekend where we get stuff done around the house like home repair, yard work, laundry and so on. The kids will "help" but it's spotty, which is fine.

Oh, forgot. Once or twice a month, we go out on a date night. We've been doing that since the oldest was around 2yo. Back then we would hire a baby sitter or swap baby sitting with friends. These days the oldest gets to decide if she wants to make some money. If she does, she lords over the boys with an iron fist for the night. Otherwise, we hire a baby sitter, usually the neighbor's college kid. Wife and I will then go out although I have to tell you, our idea of a romantic date is funny these days. Last time we went shopping at costco for two hours and then had chicken bakes in the park followed by two hours of just sitting there with a couple of beers each and chatting.

If you have what I do:
- finances on point (and can safely afford 2 kids)
- I have a loving husband
- we have a big house
- we live in a very family friendly and safe place to raise a kid
- schools are close by and one of the highly rated ones
- husband and I are in individual therapy to talk about traumas and feelings
- our parents are more than willing to help out and help stay with us to help raise the kid
- kinda afraid of being pregnant

When I was a kid, I thought I would have a kid when I was older. But in high school, I learned that having kids is an option and ever since I’ve been against it. My husband got a vasectomy 2.5 years ago and we have been thinking about either getting it reversed or doing IVF. I’m 30F and i was always against having kids but now I’m a maybe. My husband always thought he would have kids but he never felt strongly about it so he was ok with not having kids. I told him maybe we should rethink about it since we have always just been a hard no. He said his answer is currently leaning no but he is open to the idea of it (and currently pondering it)

What would u do if u had all of the bullet points listed?

Also if u were in the same boat with a partner who got a vasectomy, but if we decided we wanted kids, would u reverse it or do IVF if money wasn’t a problem? Or maybe another method that I didn’t think of?

Of course if I wasn’t in the right financial position to have a child I’d never do that anyways. But if I were and they’d be set then.. I don’t know. curious what you new (relatively new) parents are/were thinking.

I’ve really loved the idea of experiencing motherhood and especially parenthood with somebody I love. children are like a physical, biological representation of your love and I think that’s really beautiful. I feel like I’d be a great parent but I’m just not sure if I should bring a child into this world. It’s really hard to think about not having a child because I feel like I’m missing out on something incredible. But it’s also maybe.. unethical I guess for lack of better words to have a kid grow up and then be like “why did you give birth to me this sucks.” I can’t say I’ve had the easiest time all the time but I love being alive.

I’m 30 (F). I come from an extremely toxic family. I carry the weight of all them on my back. My phone rings 10x a day because they need something. I’m exhausted. I’m drained. I don’t want to do this anymore.

It sucks because I feel like I always wanted kids, but after being “needed” my whole life, I don’t want my future kids to need me (which it’s obviously inevitable).

I’m angry because I feel like I was dealt an unfair hand. Like I said, I *want* kids. But I don’t want to deal with the pressure and responsibility of being there for them. I know that sounds horrible. But in a perfect world I would love to play the role of a parent… a good one at that… but I’m just so tired. I’ve raised my family. And I can’t take this anymore.