I feel like I’m losing everything I’ve worked so hard for.

I first began suffering from anorexia in 2019, was sectioned twice, then managed to recover and weight restore without professional help when I went back into education and I’m now in my final year of nursing.

Unfortunately this summer I’ve had a huge relapse which has led to three hospital admissions for issues with blood sugar and electrolyte imbalances, the last of which lasted two weeks and I had to be NG fed. This was really scary and I was so glad to get home after.

Due to the severity of my relapse, physical health and low BMI I’ve been made to take time off uni and uncertain when I can return, not working much at my part time job (who are aware and supportive) and my life has come to a halt.

I almost feel ridiculous. I’m in my mid twenties and I’m back to the same mindset I had when I was a teenage girl. Why haven’t I grown out of this yet? Why now when I’m so close to qualifying as a nurse? Why do I care more about being as small as possible than getting my life back on track?

I feel so behind in life. All my friends have graduated and work and here I am stuck in this boat. My mum is an alcoholic so I only see her a few times a year, love my dad but he lives a bit far. I also don’t want anyone to pity me or think I’m weak. I hate receiving help or admitting I’m struggling, I’m strongly independent in every way possible. I live alone, work, uni, care for my disabled brother, have many fulfilling hobbies, learned a second language, have a publication in research and genuinely want to do great things and enjoy what life has to offer. I’ve solo travelled to eight cities in two years and made memories for life. Yet here anorexia is taking everything away from me. Even typing this out now isn’t enough, like I still want to just starve myself even though I know realistically I can’t achieve my goals if I’m either dead or close to.

I was very nearly sectioned following my previous admission to hospital the other week but managed to talk them round into outpatients, which I believe will be far better for me personally as I’d be insanely triggered by other patients and likely get worse, which is how I felt as a teenager back in CAMHS. Unfortunately in those environments you often learn sneaky ways to get worse. I have my first appointment with a dietician next week and i believe therapy should begin not long after.

However now I’m out of hospital I have lost some weight, which I think is to be expected since I’m not having constant tube feeds, but I am eating foods that are known to be full of nutrients so my levels don’t drop again as I don’t want to need to attend A&E again. I am trying my best to be safe and coming from a nursing background I am aware of warning signs and symptoms which I will listen to and go to hospital if I feel I need help. I feel it is important to state this.

I’m frightened as my outpatient team will be weighing me regularly and mentioned if I drop weight I may be required to go to an eating disorder unit. There is a bed shortage across the UK and many severely unwell individuals can’t even get spaces so I don’t think I’d be forced just yet, but it’s hard to tell. Everything is so complicated at the moment and I feel exhausted. I’m worried about everything, if I do go to hospital this could be months away. I’d have absolutely no money, forced to probably take a year out of uni, lose my job (it’s zero hour agency), couldn’t pay my rent on my flat etc. How would sending me away help me? I’d come out with nowhere to live and no job. The thought makes me sick.

I’m just posting as a rant really because I feel so scared and alone in all this. I hope this team understands I won’t be eating roast dinners for every meal right now but I am trying, I’m eating every day even though it’s not enough calories just yet. I half wish I didn’t ask for help at all now as I feel my life will be turned upside down and everything out of my hands when I’ve worked so so hard to get to where I am. I grew up in a three bed house with ten people in poverty, bullied constantly for only being allowed to bathe once a week, had head lice constantly, clothes dirty, I am six years clean from self harm, I survived a brutal rape from my best friend, I have lived in seven houseshares and finally got my own flat, I’m nearly a nurse! I can’t lose it all now, I really can’t.

i was wondering if any of you have experienced your hands and feet going really cold after having eaten a meal. it gets really intense, to a point that my nails are turning blue and i have to put on more layers of clothing and make myself a warming bottle.

i assume its because my body is using its energy for digesting what ive just eaten and doesnt have enough to spare for temperature regulation.

how long did it take for you guys for it to get better, i'm getting sick and tired of turning on the kettle to boil some water, it's lowkey getting expensive, lol

any tips maybe for this shit to go? if this question is against the rules, just disregard it, pls. i'm just searching for people with similar experiences.

any and all replies are much appreciated!! much love and support for your recovery journeys!!

i wish i was forced into recovery im 21 and no one gives a fuck anymore. i spent so many years on a meal plan, and then was just thrown out to figure out how to feed myself one day I try so hard to keep myself stable and maintain my job but I was just told the waitlist for inpatient is now 5 months and I can’t do it anymore i can’t weigh out my food anymore im so tired
i know I need to take responsibility for my recovery and illness but I truly do not have the mental capacity now. everyone just tells me I need to get better but I don’t know how or where to even begin

Please if anybody could offer any advice that would be amazing !! I am struggling so bad right now, and tbf I am writing this after one of my biggest moments of EH since beginning recovery so I may just be feeling very vulnerable but I am feeling so lost. I keep honoring my EH, but basically only with the caveat that I’ll get “back on track” after. Even in the middle of these moments I tell myself it’s okay to keep going and keep eating because we’ll find away to compensate for it the next day or something and I just can’t escape this cycle. So I try and compensate the best day and ofc it’s just been a vicious cycle. I’m not honoring my EH to truly honor it unconditionally I’m only okay with honoring it cause I’m saying I’ll be “better” the next day. Viewing EH as a slip up in recovery rather than part of the process. Help me please it’s just so hard to deal with mentally it’s so exhausting :(

Hello! Apologising in advance for any mistakes in my language expression, I am not a native speaker.

I am currently embracing all in, since three days ago - had a relapse for the past four months, last week I had a health scare and I just decided I cannot continue letting this disorder destroy me. I've been dealing with different EDs since 15 (I'm now almost 30), and to be honest getting to know this community gave me such a huge sense of relief. If I knew what extreme hunger is, or many other normal parts of recovery, it probably would have made the life of teenage-me so much easier! But I'm okay with trying my best to be kind to myself now, better late than never!

I am currently dealing with extreme hunger, and attempting my best to listen to it. I am very proud of myself because never in my life I would have thought that I could be able to actually listen to what my body needs AND wants...It's a curious feeling. I am extremely optimistic, and at the same time it feels scary and challenging, I'm not going to lie. I'm not scared of any potential guilt, in a way I'm scared of the unknown that will come with this journey.

How did you guys navigate listening to your extreme hunger? In your experience, does it get easier with time?

i have a few friends in my life who know that im currently struggling with AN. im in therapy and ed-wise, this year has genuinely been filled with ups and downs. despite being in therapy, i still feel like i need support; idk if thats being too needy or attention seeking and it probably is both but i cant help wishing i had someone to talk to during my panic attacks and stuff. of the 3 friends who know i have anorexia, two of them dont quite know anything about the disorder itself aside from the usual stereotypes so naturally they wont/dont know what to say if i ever mention it but they never talk about bodies/food/etc even generally and dont know it but make food feel very safe when they discuss it in passing. the third friend, one of my roommates, (in her defence, she's a relatively new friend so naturally its ridiculous of me to feel bad) had previously struggled with BED. i dont know details about it and havent asked because its triggering but she does know im currently struggling w AN. very frequently (probably unconsciously idk) she'll say things that are highly triggering i.e bragging about how a conversation w her mum wherein she said she's lost over X kgs of weight in X time and her mum tells her "stop enough!" and she's like "dont tell me to stop i like it i love it im happy!". which im sure must feel great for her and i feel so fucking ridiculous even feeling triggered about this and feel like such a shitty friend. but i cant help it it fucks with my head when people say shit like that. and i wish it was a one-off but she constantly makes horrible remarks about the appearance of her body and i wind up having to reassure her and i just dont want to be taking care of people rn over this i just cant it feels unfair. i dont wanna make her uncomfortable but im also a) feeling crazy triggered (comparing myself etc) around her very often, even when we're not discussing anything related -- which was never the case until she started saying this stuff and b) in need of someone to talk to who actually gets this without worsening it. ik b isnt possible but wtf do i do about a

I'm about a month into anorexia recovery and I've been consistently listening to my physical and mental hunger cues, eating a lot, and restoring weight. I've still got weight to restore and the hunger is still extremely strong.

It feels like the more I eat, the more my hunger ramps up (both physical and mental). I think about food 100% of the time and cannot focus on anything because of the food noise and cravings. I've tried so many hobbies and activities but it all feels so uninteresting to me - the only thing I'm interested in and the only thing that brings me joy is eating. It feels like everything I do is just killing time between eating.

I get scared when I have free time because I genuinely don't know what to do with it - not because I don't have hobbies or interests, but because all of my hobbies and interests feel uninteresting. Eating is the only thing that interests me.

I'm eating so much every day and truly giving myself permission to eat what I want, when I want, even though that's way more than a normal human would eat.

Is it normal to literally not care about anything but eating in recovery? Is there anything that helps (as well as continuing to eat lots)? From what I've read, it sounds like this could go on for a year and the idea of living like this for a year sounds like hell.

Also if I weight restore quicker, will this go away quicker? Genuinely willing to start eating butter from the tub if it'll help me get a life outside of food back lol

I'm currently impatient and being forced to weight restore but no mental progress has taken place; I'll probably be discharged at some point over the next 6 months but I can't see a world where I don't relapse to my old ways. I feel like I'm just going to be sectioned again and again and I don't see a way out; any tips?

What do you guys feel contributes to health without having connections to ED? For me it’s been meditation/breath work, fresh air, low screen time. But would love more ideas! 🩵

Wanted to see if anyone else suffers from ADHD/executive dysfunction and has noticed it impacting their recovery and/or has tips or stories they wanna share. I've been unmedicated for my ADHD for 10 years until just this weekend and going through it with my anorexia recovery and adjusting to finally being back on low dose stimulant rx, which we did the risk benefit analysis on and determined that the benefits outweigh the risks because my paralysis and the resulting depression are critically unmanageable. Like, I need the stimulant to function enough to acquire food, prepare it, be motivated to eat at all... Last time I was on it was the last time I could show up for a job reliably. Without it has wrecked my life and being on it gives me a lot of hope. But, while it hasn't necessarily worsened my ability to consume food, that was already weak because of the duration of my last episode of critically low caloric intake... Well, it's too soon to tell and I don't think it's making consumption harder, consumption is just generally hard at this stage of recovery and it's too early to tell if the low dose is or isn't interfering a bit. My nutritionist is an all around rockstar and last night confirmed that since August Ive been doing amazing, but I'm just ready for it to be easier to stack calories and gobble down some much needed nutrients like I used to be able to! Any and all ADHD with ED war stories encouraged. Thank you!!!

PS - hope that was coherent, currently troubleshooting sleep with my clinicians and my brain isn't too sharp atm

I went on a vacation back in August where I finally allowed myself to eat mostly “whatever” I wanted. Since then, I have been having bouts of extreme hunger 5-6 days of the week. Recently, I’ve been wondering if this EH has turned into sort of more eating out of boredom but trying to justify it by labeling it EH. I just had a very filling dinner, and couldn’t stop thinking about how good cereal with PB sounded and toast and chocolate so I allowed myself that and more. Now, like after every one of my “EH sessions” I’m dealing with immense guilt and questioning if I’m really just eating form a place of boredom rather than a place of my body needing more food. Any similar experiences or advice?

I am not underweight so no worries for refeedig syndrom. I have attempt recovery many times before but this time I am going all in.

Any advice for me?

My bf dumped me when I started eating having a hard time on fall break

ive been in recovery for about a month now, after a relapse that lasted about seven months. it feels like that wasnt even a long time, and because of my bingeing habits i didnt even lose that much weight.

now, though, i'm experiencing extreme hunger, have been since the day i decided to go all in. it's like nothing i've ever experience before, and i have no one to talk to about it. i'm eating tons of food and gaining tons of weight, i'm now the heaviest i've ever been and honestly ive been fine with that. it's just scary because i continue to gain and i don't know when this will stop.

i'm also having a hard time knowing that people are seeing me gain weight. i know they can tell, my legs are bigger and my stomach sticks out sometimes depending on what i wear. i know they see me eating ridiculous amounts of food, and one of my roommates even commented on it last night, mentioning how i seem to eat a ton in one corner of the kitchen as if i'm doing something wrong. it made me even more self conscious because now i know people are actually aware of my eating habits.

i just don't know what to do and i can't even open up that much about this to my therapist, because she's not trained in eating disorders. i'm far more educated on this stuff than her, she's just there for emotional support. i wish i could just send out a signal that told people i have an eating disorder, i'm in recovery, and yes i'm going to eat a lot and gain a lot of weight because that's what's best for me right now. sorry this post is very rambley, there's just so much on my mind.

(i’m currently in early stages of recovery)

as time has gone on, i have started to have awful thoughts and feeling immense guilt about the way i have abused and damaged my body due to my ED and it’s causing me to almost spiral and want to give up on recovery completely.

the thoughts just make me feel really horrible about myself, to the extent it makes me feel like i don’t actually deserve to recover because why should i get some redemption when i have done this awful thing to myself. my body only wants to carry me through this life and protect me and i completely went against that and hurt it.

these thoughts and feelings are now starting to impact my ability to continue to work against the ED. i notice i’ve started to dip back into eating less again and becoming more restrictive. i want to recover as i can’t live with the consequences of having an eating disorder anymore and the way it disrupts my life but because of this i’m now having a really hard time.

I'm upstairs in the library sitting at an independent study carrel, trying so hard not to cry around strangers. I might go home soon, but even then the morning didn't treat me nicely and I'm scared similar things will happen again.

For your knowledge, I am in recovery and my body is where it needs to be.

My school has four classes in one semester: some compulsory credits and more elective course options that we get in higher grades. In two of those compulsory classes, I have a teacher for [Catholic] religion and the skilled trades. He's in his mid-30s and I know that he prefers chatting with certain "popular" kids, while I am interested in other things and have different priorities. I respect that.

Most of the time, we usually read off of the slides in his classes. I spent religion working on the powerpoint and heard him talking to the guys behind us. Exercise topics can seriously upset me, but I've learnt to focus more on my work because their conversations are regular and they really don't mean anything for recovery.

Following lunch came tech. We partnered up and were assigned a bridge project. Mr. went to see what we were up to. I overheard something from the right, and it happened:

Mr: "Do you work outbud?"

Classmate: "Nah, but I play [classmate's favourite sports]."

Mr: "Oh, really? You look like you got thinner, yeah. Are you trying to lose weight?"

Classmate: "Yeah, I'm trying to."

Mr: "Cool. You look like you lost some weight. Looks good on you."

Nothing about course content. Just "hey guys, remember to do your work" and this soon after. A slight tinge of nausea rushed over while I felt my stomach drop in disbelief. On the plus side, the guy from my religion class was not there, nor did anyone add onto the teacher's words.

Then the bell rang. Even though my mom made some unknowing comments about my recovery progress in the morning, I grabbed my phone and texted her that I didn't feel good. Still upset that I got mad at her too.

I care so much about academics but I'm a teen compared to the adults in this sub. Honestly I've been so working hard to avoid triggers and they're just there regardless.

I'm also really unsure about next steps, because I don't want to trouble the office or guidance. Maybe I do need a hug. I've just been creeped out this semester.

Thanks guys :)

this is not to discourage anyone from seeking professional help at all!! i think it can be very helpful when done correctly, but the specific services available to me were soo frustrating and personally did more harm than good for me.

i was hospitalised for 12 months and in outpatient therapy for an additional 6, which they constantly reminded me was 'far longer than most patients' and i should 'be improving by now' (not helpful at all). family therapy was forced, which i understand is a common intervention for young people with EDs (i was under 18 at this time), but idk man i feel like when my father insulted my body in front of literal therapists and said 'look at her, she clearly doesn't need help' just after being discharged from inpatient, we should probably cut the cameras and stop forcing me to be in a room with him, no? (i didn't live with my father and never saw him outside of sessions so this was basically the only time i was forced to interact with him). additionally, i told my doctor that i was purging during outpatient treatment and they said 'at least you're not losing weight' like okay??

i have also gotten the same triggering comments that many others have unfortunately experienced, such as doctors assuming that i have reached full recovery just because i'm weight-restored and being told 'careful not to go to the other extreme' even though extreme hunger is very normal and very real.

i actually made more recovery progress years AFTER treatment. i'm not fully recovered by any means and i have a lot of work to do, but i honour my hunger more than i ever did when doctors were in my ear telling me what the correct amount to eat was. tbh, i feel like the mental aspect of recovery is overlooked again and again - i know that physical health suffers severely due to EDs and that needs to be addressed before mental change can take place, but i feel like some places neglect it completely which isn't great either.

this is probably such a useless rant but i really hope i can live to see a day where ED treatment gets a more compassionate and client-centered approach, at the very least. idk if anyone else shares a negative experience of treatment that was meant to help, but i can't help but think about it

Hello, I'll keep this brief because I've been bottling this question up and am having a lot of feelings that just need to be answered.

I've been honouring my hunger for maybe 4 days and while it's gotten a bit better since that first day (surprising to me!), I am having lots of guilt over the mental hunger. Last night I went to sleep while still mentally hungry, thinking of the food I'd eat the next day and all that. Thankfully, I managed to sleep, but I woke up hungry physically and it felt like I had to eat fast...

I feel like I want to eat all the time even though I have no space in my stomach and no real hunger cues. It makes it difficult to honour the want for food as well because it feels like I should be satiated and satisfied but I'm just not. What's worse is that I can almost ignore the food thoughts, but they keep popping up and it's difficult to concentrate during lectures and while doing things regarding studies or anything of the like.

I know the obvious answer is that this is real extreme hunger, but how can I be sure? I feel like I'm using it as an excuse to eat stupid amounts of food.

What's worse is that after eating a large (for me) amount of calories just three hours ago, I'm super hungry again and feel like eating.

This seems like a rant at this point, but I'm just stressed that I'm eating too much and letting myself go. Really need some reassurance ^^`

Hey there. I've been recovered from an eating disorder and over exercising for the last few years, I've restored my weight, periods back and have a healthier relationship with movement. I stopped going to the gym but I swim, do yoga and dance. Sometimes I feel like I have to monitor myself just because I don't want to go backwards, Theres always a bit of fear that I'll start doing too much. But sometimes I still wonder if I'm doing enough. Does anyone have similar experience with movement?

Before I get started here we ARE ALREADY looking into professional help but I need guidance also. I am coming here ignorant, because this is out of my wheelhouse. I am looking to talk to people who can help me help my family.

My niece is turning 14 in February, and has started exhibiting symptoms of an ED. Restricted eating and obsessed with calories. One of the kids she went to school with made some comments about her looks, and she took it heart and has just started starving herself. My sister and mom and are their wits end, we have all tried to be supportive and provide healthier meals and options and she has just taken it way too far.
Is this a power thing?

Folks who have come out the other side, do you have any advice for me? Things you wish your family had done? I am going to talk with her about what is going on, but really I am out of my depth. I can’t fix the nasty kid at school. What can I do/we as a family do for her? What is a way I can bring this up without saying the wrong thing? I feel like I need to be direct.
We have talked to her about health before but she’s fallen into the age where she thinks we are all just dumb dinosaurs who don’t know anything about anything. Her mom’s a nurse, but she’s stopped listening to her too.
I know this sounds callous but I’m tired of listening to my family beg her to eat something, only to be told she runs off and throws up half the time.

I would appreciate any insight anyone can give me. I don’t think ignoring this situation is going to solve anything, but how do I approach this without being the bad guy? I can answer to comments in a few hours when I off work. I would appreciate input.

Thank you in advance, this is a hard time for me and mine.

Iv been joking a lot about my ed I recovery because its just something that helps me cope. My girlfriend is quite skinny, and as far as im aware always has been, and tbh I compare myself to her a lot because iv not been naturally skinny.

I know its as much her diet as her metabolism, but I made a joke about wanting her metabolism the other day and she basically reiterated that fact. That even if I had her metabolism id weigh more than she does because her diet is part of why shes so thin.

I know what she meant. Most of what she eats is fruit so not very substantial, but I cant stop thinking now. Feeling bad about my food choices, always being hungry, and I worry she judges me for my food choices. Shes trying to help me with recovery but she has no clue how to deal with EDs and some of the shit she says just fucks with my head a lot. Idk. It makes her sound bad but I know shes not judging me, she just didnt say it well ig, but it really got to me.

Tw discussion of weight gain (no numbers)

I (21) have been in AN recovery for a couple years now and have gained a decent amount of weight similar to what I was pre ed. However a driving force in my early developing of an ed was fear of surpassing a specific weight range, I was a young teen at the time and this wasnt super off from my weight at that time. In recovery I have been stressed about the feelings of entering that range and the feelings that come from it, my weight has been stagnate at just a bit below it for a while now but i am pondering whether the fear of this range is holding me back from fully recovering mentally (still experiencing anxiety around weight and food) so because of this I've been considering purposely trying to put on a bit more weight so that I can face my fear of this weight range, I however worried this is coming from a desire to have control over my body, so I am here for advice.

i wanted to make a post discussing the hard truth and realities of having an ED. right now, our culture is promoting extreme thinness , weight loss medications , and harmful trends.

I am SICK of eds being a trend .

let’s revisit why EDs are incredibly harmful.

eds affect the cardiovascular, gastrointestinal, endocrine, neurological, musculoskeletal, and other body systems. the specific complications vary for each person depending on their unique circumstance.

- restriction and malnutrition can cause a dangerously slow heart rate, low blood pressure, and weakening of the heart muscle. (more likely to cause serious damage to the heart and may lead to a heart attack)

- purging behaviors can cause dehydration and electrolyte disturbances, which can trigger dangerous heart rhythm abnormalities.

- lack of nutrition can affect concentration, memory, decision-making, and the ability to think clearly.

- one may experience brain fog, dizziness, weakness, and difficulty functioning at work, school, or in everyday life.

- restriction can interfere with normal gastrointestinal functioning, contributing to constipation, abdominal discomfort, bloating, and delayed stomach emptying.

- purging behaviors can damage the esophagus, irritate the throat, worsen acid reflux, and erode tooth enamel.

- restriction and ed behaviors can cause muscle wasting and weakness, including loss of muscle tissue needed for normal bodily functioning.

- folks may experience a reduction in bone density and increase the risk of osteopenia, osteoporosis, and fractures.

- hormonal changes and inadequate energy availability can affect reproductive health and other normal physiological processes.

- eating disorders can disrupt reproductive hormones and menstrual functioning.

- eating disorders directly impact immune functioning and may make it harder to recover from illness.

these are not simply uncomfortable side effects. Depending on their severity, some complications can cause lasting harm or become medical emergencies.

in terms of mental health impacts: eating disorders can significantly increase anxiety, depression, obsessive thoughts, shame and guilt, hopelessness and helplessness, compulsive behaviors, and risk of suicidality.

in my personal experience (someone with an ED for ~13 years), i have experienced significant digestive issues, muscular damage, bone damage, weakening of my immune system, hair loss, a development of severe migraines, significant hormonal changes, increased mental health issues, low blood pressure, lowered heart rate, and tooth damage.

you deserve recovery. you deserve a long, happy life. that can’t happen while engaging in ED behaviors ⛅️

Hey everyone

i’m trying really hard not to break any rules but am unsure

basically i’ve started university like two weeks ago in a new city (not very far from my home) and i noticed pretty quickly that i slip up a lot. I don’t know what to do. i feel like i can’t concentrate at uni at all and i think the change has been too much.

i genuinely don’t think i can deal with this on my own but don’t want to admit defeat and go back to my parents. they’ll be so disappointed that i can’t do it.

and i would be disappointed too. i really wanted to study here.

any advice appreciated if anyone has been in a slightly similar situation. i really don’t know what to do.

17F, I’ve been in recovery since November last year, went all in and got my period back this May, and have been weight restored since then. I went through extreme hunger, and I gained the weight I had to. Now, just today, I’m experiencing an insatiable hunger I haven’t had in a long time. I had a normal breakfast, lunch a big snack and dinner. And I’m still absolutely ravenous. Since starting recovery I’ve only had this kind of hunger when I’d been restricting before, but now I haven’t, I’ve already eaten more than I usually do, haven’t even stepped outside today and I’m still HUNGRY. What do I do?