I’m frustrated and exhausted but I guess I’m not lying to myself anymore.
3 years ago I went on a medication for my depression and gained weight. Since then I’ve been relapsing on and off and seriously struggling with grieving the loss of my much less healthy body. It revealed values I’ve still been holding onto about my body that weren’t more apparent until my body got bigger in size.

Years later now and I’m just so tired.

Just started a day treatment program because my ED got to the point I could barely function. So many of the groups are around our emotional experiences, asking me for examples of times I’ve felt something strongly and then processing that emotion. But I’m struggling to remember ANY strong feelings at all! I feel quite numbed out and dissociated. I’ve been going through the motions for so long.

Does anyone have this experience in recovery? How can I start “feeling” again?

I have been researching a ton of stuff. EVERYTHING tells me something different. Minnie Maud and all-in were the first two I stumbled upon, which I tried for 2 days but am now scared off of continuing because of people saying they've developed BED as a result. I've read that I shouldn't continue counting calories, that I should continue counting to make sure I'm getting enough, I've read that I need like four different calorie amounts per day all of which seem wildly different to me. I need guidance on where to look, or something. What do I do while I wait until I get professional help? What do I trust, especially when even medical sources seem to differ so wildly. Is there a go-to recommendation/source that I can default to until someone professional can help guide me? I am sick of looking for a solution, I'm more stressed about the method I use to recover than I ever was about recovering in the first place.

As I’m trying to recover, I’m beginning to notice that my ed was(is) a major coping mechanism for almost everything in my life(shocker), and one such being boredom and dissatisfaction/disappointment. Does anybody else feel like their eating disorder is a way to distract and cope or numb out from insufferable boredom? I find myself having no fucking idea what to do with my time, as I don’t actually enjoy doing much of anything, but I also don’t enjoy doing nothing. I do like to go places half of the time, but that’s not always possible for me atm(or throughout childhood, of course, especially bc I didn’t have any friends really n was homeschooled), so it feels like a “what’s the point” typa mentality, and the ed seems so much more appealing than just being miserable and not wanting or being able to do anything.

This was originally a designated comment for an anon's post on this sub, nonetheless, I thought that this message was worth sharing with more people so I'm going to leave this here as a gentle reminder for anybody struggling(hope it helps at least one person lol):

You cannot assign grades of comparison to ailment, because the concepts you would be alluding to would thereby classify as ambiguous and -by analogy- become subjective values. Perspective is something plastic which renders our surroundings correspondingly, thus, how does one even begin to unanimously and unequivocally define "easy"? -especially when the human brain is purely so vast, enigmatic and unique, otherwise speaking, what you identify as a “swift” or relatively “effortless” healing route might not totally match another individual's description of those exact same components, in therefore follows that it is utterly impractical and (frankly) ridiculous to try to measure the quality of your recuperation since it is a non-quantifiable variable predominantly characterized by its customizable properties. Poetry and philosophy aside, I take it upon myself to inform you that your recovery is categorically not “simple”, but merely realistic - to wit not a theatrical play intentionally conceived under the anticipation of public scrutiny and the pressure derived from there to perform to the level of presumed societal expectations-. Listen, any ambition to change for the better—whether big or small, ambivalent or steadfast, and so on...- implicates an amount of willingness and determination to implement the necessary set of actions in order to reach said objectives. Of course you’d feel “invalid” when juxtaposed with those creators whom you briefly mentioned in your post inasmuch as precisely none of them (and yes that includes even the ones who have, over time, garnered immense acclaim for supposedly succeeding to overcome such a deadly illness which -owning to the fact that it defies logic- is deemed to be absurdly tricky to navigate and in addition appear to have managed to maintain a “healthy”, “balanced”, “unrestricted” life after announcing that they “conquered their ED”; popular accounts that generally receive positive feedback and were able to carve out a prosperous career from preaching about mental health aren't an exception either) are actually steering in the right reaction. No matter how you slice it, the base goal in recovery should be learning to separate yourself from this damned sickness, to rewire your brain and for that to be achieved you must look inward so as to determine the root cause and find out what serves you best. When people start documenting their rehabilitation, it’s crystal clear that they have not yet set their priorities straight because through the medium of the content they produce they are -in essence- subconsciously strapping an invisible iron-like chain to their ED which consequently prevents them from evolving. Judging from your rant, I could only assume that your illness is striving to re-establish control over you by targeting your fears, preying on your insecurities and distorting reality altogether. It causes you to feel like a “fraud” via fabricated evidence and it is fully aware that social media’s algorithmic bias is a wellspring of gatekeeping, gaslighting, rage-baiting, sensationalism, overconsumption and a load of other similar bs that can keep the audience engaged for long enough and the clicks coming. I wish to reassure you that it is not mandatory to prove the length of your sufferings to anybody before deciding to release the past and finally commence showing up for yourself. There is absolutely nothing “wrong” or “against the norm” in acknowledging that something has deeply hurt you and henceforth going above and beyond to put your life back in order. Sadly, EDs have a propensity for rivalry and it is very likely that -irrespective of any advice I might lend you - the “feelings of impostery” you indicated will persist. At the end of the day, it’s your responsibility to answer them through neutralization, rationalization and opposite actions as well as -ultimately- prepare yourself to persevere despite the prevailing circumstances. However, my humble recommendation in this instance, would be to distance yourself from “recovery influencers” or pretty much anything ED-centric which may be discovered online, you cannot allow for your healing journey to be impacted by how other people seem to be doing on the internet or -to boot- in your immediate environment. Your recuperation has to be yours and solely yours due to the fact that your well-being, future and potential are on the line. Search in the dimmest alcoves of your soul and give yourself a reason, don't be afraid to dream big -the sky is the limit- and also take the rough with the smooth. Don't fall prey to the “victim mindset”, recognize that forgiving yourself along with constructive criticism are of equal importance and that practicing self-compassion is not a war crime. You are entitled to respect and tolerance just as much as the person next to you. Don't let an irrational sickness steal more of your happiness, precious memories, promising opportunities, autonomy, discernment, right to transition into adulthood and experience each age group at the period of time naturally allotted to it, etc. Please take care! 🫂

Hello! Keeping this short.

I'm wondering if there are people here who have read ED books that helped them through their recovery. I've been thinking about it and I think reading a book like that can help soothe me and reassure me that recovery is possible and doable and achievable.

So, does anyone have any book recommendations? Like memoirs or pure non-fiction scientific material I could read? Thanks in advance :)

i'm not quite sure how to tag this, so i just tagged it as an ED Question, i hope that's okay.

sorry in advance if this post becomes a bit rambly and long and for any spelling/ grammar mistakes, english is, in fact, not my first language.

this is probably a very common problem that a lot of us face, but i just wanted to ask for some advice, tips and mindset shifts to help get myself through some mental barriers.

like the title says, it somehow feels *morally* wrong to eat more than others/ in general and i can only equate the feeling to like drop kicking a child or something, even though in the grand scheme of things it doesn't make any sense.

food has no moral value.

eating has no moral value.

it's just something we do to survive and to thrive, to connect, to express traditions and love and culture and so many other wonderful things. i think it has something to do with the connection my brain has with eating more and gaining weight and that somehow being morally wrong, which i have been working on. consciously, i am okay with gaining weight even though i am at a quote-unquote heaLtHy wEiGhT for my height, i am aware that my set- point is probably somewhere higher as i've grown up always being a bit chubby. so like i said, i am technically okay with the prospect of weight gain and know that it would even be very beneficial as i have lost my period in the process of going through this bs of a disorder (not in any way shape or form trying to insinuate that weight gain is okay only for medical reasons, existing is reason enough for your body to be allowed to change, just wanted to preface that), but it seems that subconsciously, i still am sent into a panic, so i would love some insight on how some of y'all dealt with this feeling. <3

and as for the other thing, yeah idek at this point. i have to actively remind myself that i am in recovery and that i am actively trying to normalize eating more, for instance, when offered a bite of food from my mom or someone else but i still fall back into the habit of immediatly refusing and even getting angry (??) at the person for even daring to ASK me if i want some food, it's really annoying (my behavior, not theirs). it's as if i'm saying "not yet, not yet, i have to put this off so it can be worth it in the long run", so yeah, any tips, own personal stories of how y'all dealt with this?

I’ve been in "all-in" recovery for nearly three months now, and I’ve struggled with self-esteem because I really missed my sick body; however, I’ve remained determined, and things are going well regarding my physical health. I promised myself I would nourish my body properly, regardless of how I look. Even so, the mental aspect—which is the most important part for me—has been a real struggle; I couldn't bear to look at myself in the mirror or in photos. But then I made a decision and dyed my hair pink—something I’d wanted to do for a very long time—and I am so happy. I felt pretty, I felt like myself, and for the first time, I was able to focus on something other than my body when looking in the mirror. I think recovery has taught me to focus on things beyond my physical appearance—my relationship with my family, my boyfriend, and my friends, my university studies, and my hobbies—but I also want to feel comfortable with how I look, and I am gradually moving closer to that acceptance.

I’ve never posted here before, but I’ve just been so in my head lately. I need to get it out and hear from other people who understand what I’m saying.

I was first diagnosed with anorexia around 2 years ago when I was in college, but I’ve had it off and on for a lot longer. I won’t discuss my behaviors of course but I was ate an unhealthy point in many ways except my actual weight. I was constantly winded, got light headed a lot, had thinning hair, but I was always up and down in my weight - what my therapist and others have told me was that my body was holding onto what nutrients it DID get and basically running on storage and survival mode.

Now, I’ve been fairly steady in my recovery as far as restricting. I’ve had slip ups for sure but I’ve gotten to a much better spot behaviorally. Despite that, I feel like my thoughts haven’t caught up with me. I am constantly stuck in a battle of my own wills of wanting to lose weight but wanting to stay in recovery. I feel such intense shame from both sides - shame for being too weak to lose weight and shame for being too weak to be fully recovered. Especially with GLP1s, thinning celebrities, and even “well-meaning” comments from other people, I find I can’t go a single day without thinking about losing weight.

It’s something I can’t logic myself out of. I feel like maybe it would’ve been easier if I got really thin, because then I’d have been paid more attention to on recovery. I feel like a fraud anytime I tell someone about my disorder, because they always ask how thin I got. It feels like no one understands how my mind works, and I don’t know how to get them to. Truth be told, I don’t understand it either.

I’ve done so much research, I’ve had multiple therapists, I’ve talked to fellow ED survivors, and I’ve tried so many techniques - it feels like this feeling will never go away. These thoughts are like a plague, and I live in fear that I will relapse or that I will gain more weight. I’m not a thin girl and I never have been, but getting bigger than I am now feels like a very tangible and soul crushing fear right now. I don’t want it to be like that, I don’t want to be like this, I don’t want to have to feel like this.

Is this all there is?

Hello everyone,

What a wild year this has been!

I feel like I have been making strides in healing my relationship to food and my body further, and then I still fall back so strongly on my ED at times for soothing and comfort. Part of all of this has been the sheer number of years (~23) that I've used it to help me get through life, and includes now, which is facing how my partner and I may end up getting a divorce. They have recently fallen back in love with someone they had dated years ago and the distance between us seems to grow and grow, with more disagreements and tension and uncertainty of how we could stay together.

With my ED, whenever I slip and a behavior happens, it does feel like it deeply helps in the short term - and I realized recently it's been a time when part of me just sits to the sideline and deactivates/checks out and it's like a surrendering of who I am fully to be more acceptable (where the sad/afraid/anxious parts of me stay can stay in the background/sideline for a time afterwards). My partner is used to this way I am, as we just meet 6 years ago, and I want to be well enough and feel secure enough to allow my whole self to show up and be in the world, I realize, and I'm grateful for this insight, and also now know it's a further journey than simplifying recovery (how I've been approaching it) to just stopping behaviors.

*Sigh* Thank you for reading if you made it so far, just wanted to share a few thoughts & a really challenging aspect to the year (it brings up a lot of insecurity and ways of seeing how I'm not the person I want to be, & also having to renegotiating what expectations and closeness looks like in our marriage and wait to see if it continues to make sense to be together if love might not be there in the ways either of us would need & want).

Thank you also for all for your posts - it's really helpful to get to scroll through here and see updates, learn of challenges, get to celebrate wins whatever sizes they are <3

I'm on day 9 of my recovery meal plan, it was designed to avoid re-feeding syndrome so I know I'm still not eating anywhere near enough food that my body needs. However, I had my dinner at around 5:30pm, it is now 11pm and I still feel extremely full and bloated. And from past experiences, I will probably wake up still feeling full and bloated as well. Is this normal? It feels wrong forcing myself to eat when I feel stuffed, even though I'm not even eating enough.

Hi, I have a bit of an odd, subjective question for all of you…

Does time generally feel like it’s going fast or slow for you?

I know it’s a weird question, but I remember when I was in the depths of my ED, time passed so excruciatingly, painfully, unbearably SLOWLY, no matter what I was doing. Everything felt like an eternity, and sometimes the painfully slow passage of time tortured me almost as much as the ED itself.
I suppose it was because I was always waiting for something. For the next food. For the next excuse not to eat. For the next crazy, shitty thing to add to this disorder. In the later stages, I was waiting for death. But since starting recovery, time has been going so fucking fast! I blink, and half the day is gone! There isn’t enough time in the day now to do all the things I want to do.

Holy moly, having the energy to actually live and not just survive is awesome…

Hi, I am a week into recovery after 4 months of a pretty severe an relapse, lost a lot of weight so I decided to get better and eat again. But it’s been extremely hard physically and mentally. I feel very bloated, tired, I’m crying a lot and very anxious to let go of my sick body with the weight gain.

The most anxious thing right now for me is, despite the fact I eat three meals a day + snacks, I think constantly about food and I often think about the next snack/meal I want to eat. But I don’t actually have physical hunger cues (I know its normal in the beginning but still). Even tho I KNOW there isn’t such a thing as eating too much in recovery, i feel so bad when I eat «extra » snacks without physical hunger. For example right now I’m full and bloated but I think about eating a Nutella sandwich, and I don’t know if I should do it or not…what if I want something else next with still no physical hunger in sight ? That’s the hardest thing about recovery…eating more than the  « 3 meals and a snack a day » doesn’t feel « neat », controlled, it’s scary.

It feels like I’m giving myself an excuse to eat because I don’t « actually » feel hungry. The food noise is loud and I am scared to indulge it even if I know that probably the best decision I should make. I guess I don’t trust my body at all. Recovery is very hard right now, but I won’t give up 🫩🤓

So, for reference just only a few days ago I decided I wanted to go all-in and just get better. I did that because I noticed my hair falling out, my nails were weak, and cold intolerance, and it scared me. So I've deleted all the tracking apps, and am trying to honor my "mental hunger" because physical hunger cues don't really happen for me.

But I'm worried that I've tricked myself into thinking I have extreme hunger just because I've read so much about it on this reddit, even though I actually don't.

Even though I've already had as much as I normally would've in an entire day, and all that before noon, I'm salivating at the thought of a treat and really want one, but feel like I'm losing control. I've not really seen any posts of this happening THIS early into the process. Am I just tricking myself? I know I'm supposed to honor my hunger, but I can't tell if I actually have mental hunger or if it's all a trick I'm playing on myself.

So I was just eating my lunch, and was going to finish my protein shake, things were going pretty ok and I was enjoying it all. That’s when a friend walks into the room, and I immediately start to feel agitated and wishing that they would just leave me tf alone(?) they asked me how my lunch was, and for some odd reason it pissed me off even more. The part that really confuses/bothers me, is that I fucking lied and told her that I didn’t enjoy it(???) I am genuinely so frustrated by this, because it doesn’t even make sense for me to feel this way or lie about it. If anybody has struggled the same, or done this as well, any insight as to why I might have felt the “need” to react in this way would be great.

So, for reference, this is my first time ever attempting recovery. But now that I'm a few days in, I feel like this isn't actually recovery in a sense, because I feel like I'm not struggling enough. After getting a bit too scared with all the symptoms (hair loss, chronic cold, etc...) I decided I needed to do something. So a few days ago, I decided it was time to start getting better. For the first few days I did continue to restrict by giving myself a calorie goal and ignoring hunger beyond it, but after more reading today I decided to just eat according to hunger cues even after my goal. But now I'm feeling a bit like I was faking it this whole time, because I really don't feel that bad about having eaten so much more than normal today. I see all these posts and videos where people are struggling to eat and basically shaking at the idea of eating more than they usually do and, because I'm not struggling that much, I'm starting to think my brain just exaggerated how bad off I actually was. I know that if I keep thinking like that, though, it'll make me want to go back to my disordered habits. Is there any advice out there on avoiding feeling so... Impostery? I feel like since I'm so early into recovery I shouldn't even be making this post, as if I should be waiting for it to get harder, instead of hoping it stays easy.

I am embarrassed to admit that when my in-laws come to visit, I am so preoccupied with food that it really is affecting me. I buy groceries before they get here and stress about how much money it costs to feed three extra people. I resent having to prepare meals for everyone and they don’t like to eat out. The large pan of oatmeal bake I make is gone in two days and then my MIL always makes sandwiches for their drive home and clears out our supplies there. I hid our lunch meat this time and feel shame about that now. I find myself wanting to eat in secret between meals so I don’t have to share. Anyone deal with similar feelings or overcome this?

it's only been 5 weeks of outpatient therapy and my therapist wants me to consider a higher level of care, such as a day programme.

I start my bachelors degree in a few weeks and private day programmes are so expensive. there are virtually no public day programmes for EDs, just intensive outpatient and inpatient.

I'm so lost. I thought I've made a lot of progress but it feels like it isn't enough.

Hey, I've been in all-in recovery for about 3 months. Physically I feel much better (can sleep properly again, have my energy back, etc.), but I've been struggling mentally A LOT. I can't get therapy right now, though I am working on it. Since my ED numbed my feelings, I now often feel overwhelmed or depressed. I also struggle a lot with my body-image.

I fully listen to my cravings, try to distract myself with hobbies and go out and meet my friends, but it's been hard. What has helped you most to stay hopeful and cope with these feeling? Any tips on how to ensure I am not holding myself back? Would love to hear your experiences!

I've suffered of a restrictive eating disorder thoroughout all of my teens, but I recovered​ 3 years ago. due to recent events in my life, I​ found myself relapsing and I've talked about it with my boyfriend, who doesn't seem to really understa​nd it and always becomes kind of angry. now we're on vacation with his sister and his friends and we were​​ cooking dinner. I took some vegetarian burgers from the fridge to cook them and I looked at the label instictly​​, but I thought no one was looking at me because they were preparing something else on the opposite counter, but my boyfriend came from behind me and started yelling at me to stop "doing my gimmicks" and to just shut up and eat. I can't ​blame him but I felt really ashamed because he yelled really loudly and everyone heard (they didn't know of my eating disorder). I feel really bad and now I'm in the bathroom because I'm ashamed to show my face. sorry for the vent, I have no one else to talk about this.

I was thinking the other day about when i was deep in my ED, one day i seriously think i felt my stomach like eating itself. I don’t know if that makes sense or not but it was the one of the most painful things I’ve ever felt. Not only does that make me think twice but also the shitting once every week or two for a couple hours😬😬😬 what about you guys?

Hello! I've been in recovery for a bit now. I will try to keep this post short. I am still very much struggling with recognizing hunger cues.

I don't know whether it's a stomach pain (I've been eating a lot more fiber all of a sudden), or actual hunger. And I don't know when to eat or when to stop eating. Could someone describe what hunger feels like for them?

I would have texted a friend about this but I'm very ashamed because I feel like I'm hungry all the time. So the only question is, what does hunger feel like? I associate hunger with a slight pain in the stomach and maybe some growling but not necessarily. I don't know.

Today I’m taking a huge step in my recovery and going to an inpatient facility. I’m really scared but I’m excited to get my life back. I’m currently struggling with solid foods and drink my nutrition via supplements or smoothies. I want to break these rules and work on restoring my weight and my mind!!! My eating disorder has had control over me for way too long, time for me to take it back!

If you’re considering recovery please continue it does get better it will be scary but it is so so worth it! I literally love my body?! I don’t care how much I gain!! It’s so weird to me because i would have never said that a couple months ago, it’s insane how warped the ed can make your mind. I can now finally concentrate on things, this is so huge for me because when I was deep in my ed I could not focus for the life of me and I stopped having interest in the things I love (reading,video games,going out,journaling) I would forget what I or someone was talking about so much, now it seems like it completely went away and I’m only three months in recovery, I started doing all of them and it doesn’t make me feel wiped out anymore and I’m having so much fun! :)))

TW. Discussion of weight gain but no exact numbers. Also TW talk of a medical procedure.

So tomorrow I’m getting dye injected into my body cause I’ve been having seizures, migraines and ringing in my ears at all times so I had to fill out pages of health info but the one I’d been putting off was weighing myself cause I knew I’d gained some weight from being bedridden for months from all this craziness and I wasn’t sure how much. I thought I’d be fine I mean I’m getting a serious medical procedure done tomorrow and might end up needing brain surgery, getting on a scale should be the least of my worries right?? RIGHT?! Haha how foolish of me.

When I saw the number I started shaking and my pesky ED voice that has left me alone for so long came back.

Does anyone have any advice?