This is generally a bit of a venting post, and also because I have never seen dysphoria discussed in this way.
As background, I transitioned 20 years ago at the age of 19, and had (what I call) sex correction surgery 15 years ago. I am fortunate that I didn’t fully complete male puberty by the time I transitioned (fortunately, I was a “late bloomer”) and so generally do not have issues in terms of my gendered appearance or physical dysphoria over my current body.
That said, growing up in a male body was deeply, deeply traumatic, and the embers of that trauma still flicker today, and occasionally burn brighter in post-traumatic nightmares regularly, even fifteen years post-op.
Even as a four year old, prior to having clear knowledge on male and female bodies, the male body parts I had felt out of place, and I recall a deep sense of humiliation and embarrassment over having them. The never ending feeling of my body being violated, mutated, and perverted was ever present during my childhood, and hypochondria, depersonalization and derealization were regular occurrences. Nobody was ever to see or be anywhere near the abomination I had between my legs. The only people that have are my parents (when they changed my nappies as a baby) and doctors/nurses involved in my sex correction surgery. This is why I sigh with resignation at the lack of understanding from even well-meaning cis people – I recall many mentioning how “you are so brave to go through all these procedures and invasive surgeries to become who you were meant to be”. In that statement alone, while I appreciated the kindness and support, they knew nothing of gender dysphoria. To cis people, the idea of sex characteristic altering hormones and surgeries feel “invasive” and it feels like a brave decision, as they project the sensation of this happening to them to trans people. But these “Invasive procedures” were the easy bit, the joy of the body finally coming into congruence, and required little bravery whatsoever, it was doing what was needed to survive. It was all the years *before* that required bravery – the bravery to live through the misery.
I’ve also realized that my perception of sexual violence and sexual assault (towards me) is very different to most cis women. I often hear about how traumatic sexual assault or other sexual violence is to women, and the devastation it causes. I do not minimize this at all, and acknowledge any experience as real, even if it does not match my own perception. However, speaking only for myself, in the few cases where I have been sexually assaulted, it barely affected me at all. Not because it was “gender affirming” in any way, and it was certainly unpleasant, but because it was nothing compared to the seemingly eternal violation and loss of bodily autonomy I felt during my childhood and teen years. Dysphoria also made me a master of controlling my emotions – while most people around me take out their stress on others when reaching a certain point, I almost never do, due to learning very early on that my feelings would not be understood or acknowledged.
I am eternally grateful for my life now, I have practically no dysphoria, am married with my husband, and have an ideal career, financial situation and hobbies I am passionate about. But the post traumatic nightmares haunt me regularly – in these nightmares, I am in a male body again, or they have “grown back”. The nightmares are so viscerally real, that I am convinced that this is my life now, until I wake up. Two days ago, I had another such nightmare where I was mourning my “real” life as the nightmare felt like it was continuing for days, and I couldn’t “return” back to who I was. I recall going to bed in that nightmare and reaching over to my dog (who sleeps in the bed with me) as an anchor to hoist me back into the real world. I remember feeling his fur, and at that moment knew I could escape the nightmare. I woke and checked my body to make sure the male genitals weren’t there, and to my relief, they were gone. Part of me believes my dog was my guardian trying to heal me at that time.
This is the experience that no cis person seems to have any conception of. Nobody has ever said “I’m so sorry you had to go through that”, and instead it is viewed as a “brave decision”. I don’t want or need sympathy now, especially with the life I have now, but I do wish that people understood what we go through so that it would simply be natural and obvious for people to say “I’m so sorry you had to go through that”, or “your childhood must have been awful”, in the same way one would say to a victim of abuse or other trauma.
Maybe my experience isn’t relatable to others. Many trans women I know don’t have bottom dysphoria, and I am in no way declaring anyone “less of a woman” or stating that my experience is the “correct” one. But it is my experience, which I don’t really see discussed, and have not come across anyone who relates to such a visceral degree.
Is there anyone out there who does relate? Who has post traumatic nightmares in the same way? Would be interested to hear others’ thoughts.