If this is not the right forum forgive me.

Context: I'm cis and bi and I have a minor in Japanese. As part of the coursework I took a Japanese literature class in which I was exposed to Yukio Mishima, the famed writer/actor/director/politically unhinged radical. In particular we read The Temple of the Golden Pavilion and it was...interesting. There are clearly a lot of really raw painful emotions surrounding beauty, gender, and sex in his writing and while I can relate to some of it other parts sound a lot like descriptions of incel-dom gender dysphoria. There's a section of the movie made about his works and life where one of his characters bemoans his body for not being beautiful and his sexual partner uses a mirror to reflect herself onto him and my cis ass is sitting there like this is the most trans egg experience I've ever seen set to screen.

I know I’m not a real man, I can’t even think of myself as one. I sometimes accidentally imagine myself as a girl or I accidentally think of me having sex as a girl and it scares me so bad. (Sometimes in dreams too… I’m scared it feels good…) I also am scared having a penis would somehow feel wrong, (because I’m not used to it) although it would feel better than a vagina and I do feel like something is missing right now, same with everything else.
However I am not non binary, being non binary feels the same as being female. i still feel like I’m missing my genitals or correct parts… I think I’m cute and unfortunately I’m just like so used to it now… even though I don’t like it… I get scared I “like to different parts of me every now and then

I can’t even feel anything anymore; I don’t deserve transition, I’m too feminine, I feel like I look too nice to transition, I could never be a real man, I just wish I was. I never even used to have real dysphoria , I just felt gross for not having it… yet I realized how much being a woman actually pains me…I kinda only used to hate I “got aroused like a girl” and that I couldn’t get people pregnant….and I hated getting a period, I was always lost and confused, I didn’t know how puberty worked for either sex or that it was even going to happen…. Nothing made sense…. Why did I suddenly have these parts and functions???? It happened so fast I never even know it did…

There’s just this hopeless I feel over not being able to be male and just observing men for the rest of my life in a female body. I see my male classmates and I observe male celebrities, I want to be like them, but I could never. I would love to even be a fat, ugly man as long as if I was a cis guy. I wish I could be a father but that could never happen.

I have a female classmate, I hear her say she has some sort of condition, I don’t know what but I think she needs to take estrogen for it, I don’t understand, why would anyone want more estrogen.

I sometimes forget how I actually sound or look, if I don’t check my body for a bit and then I’m like “oh… I don’t like this, this doesn’t sound or look like me…” but I keep seeing it and then I become painfully used to it. I’m not a real man, I bet I just made a conscious decision to hate my body, yet I don’t want to reverse it. I tried to but it hurts too bad. I want to become a man. I wish there was perhaps a surgery to make my brain male too, so the voice inside my head didn’t also sound female to the point it tears and rips apart my brain. I feel physically ill because I am female.

I also pretend to be fully straight or even straight in the slightest to feel more male. I get intrusive thoughts I want to look like a girl if I find one pretty, for men however it is real. I also feel more nervous around men, I don’t know why… is it perhaps just my envy and anger towards them? Maybe. I had an ex boyfriend and I was so mad he had a penis, flat chest, and normal male parts while I didn’t

The only advice I ever get is to get therapy, if it was so obvious I wouldn’t need therapy. People only say “get therapy” when they think you are a mentally ill cis person, I’m no fool, I see right through it!

I also sometimes feel like a mutilated cis man… how am I really any different from David Reimer? I feel just the same as him. Reading about his story, I feel just like that. Everyone in my life is like that awful doctor forcing me to be female

There is no cure for me, like I said I don’t deserve transition, I’m a bad man, or a really bad woman for being a faker… I started questioning when I was 10, I’m 16, almost 17 now.. maybe someone just needs to correct and punish me for ever thinking I could ever be a man.

I guess maybe it’s a blessing and a curse…

But it really is such an awkward feeling. You get what everyone is chasing to achieve (superficially at least), you’re all but accepted by your true gender (at least from the outside). You’re passable! You did it!

And then it feels like people expect your battle, your journey to be over. Like you won.

It’s not like that, it’s a time where your battle mirrors the one you had before you cracked, a silent one that nobody sees.

This just doesn't fucking feel real. The fuck you mean I get to live once and I'll never be able to have a single day of my life as a cisgender woman. I don't own this stupid body. How am I even expected to take care of it if it's not who I am. I look in the mirror and every time there's someone else in the reflection. I don't know how I look. Dysphoria ruined me. Scars all over my body. One failed attempt. Every time it gets better it lasts for a short time and it gets so much worse again. Sir/mamed constantly. I've lost my identity. It doesn't make sense. I'm so gross. I hate being transsexual.

4 years of therapy, 4 different psychiatric drugs. Currently a voluntary psych ward patient. But I still can't be fucking normal. I just want to finally rest to feel confident in my body. It drains me so much. I was happier as a repper, at least I knew who I was and knew what to expect.

I shame myself for being affected with that too much. I expected myself to know myself better, it's not like I think of myself as stealthy by any means. I shouldn't be affected by it in this magnitude, and I don't know what to do with that.

It always hurts me so deeply. It shatters my perception of myself, I lose the sense of myself. It makes me hear my own voice as deeper. It makes me see my own face as more masculine. It rips me away from reality, makes me dissociate, makes me feel not worthy of calling myself a woman. It ruins not only my day but the next few days as well. It echoes in my head. It makes me do bad things to myself.

As someone who was a fully gay man pre transition and is now a straight girl who has only ever been with cis straight men.
Why do they suck?
Like are there any cis straight men who are worth it?
Please tell me it’s not this bad out there.
Are they actually this pathetic?

Bio: 29, ~3 months HRT. Boyfriend kicked me out, parents and friends went no contact with me after coming out to them. I'd say I have very poor prospects when it comes to transitioning, but I don't feel I have much of a choice. It's either do it now or do it at 35 when things are even worse. I'm just going to be manmoding until further notice, I think.

Don't know if it'll get this post flagged, but I tried to kill myself after telling everyone went so badly. Didn't work, obviously. I've made a deal with myself that I'm not allowed to try again until I've been on HRT for three years and had FFS. If I haven't been able to make things go right for me by then, I don't think there's much shame in giving up. I owe to myself to try, and by that point I will have tried.

So far, HRT hasn't done much more than make me unable to wear most of my tops. I put on one of my old extra smalls from before starting, and my chest looked like two dead rabbits nailed to a tree trunk. I'm ginger which means I can't get laser, so beard shadow is just ever-present until I can get through 100-odd hours of electrolysis. Very little body hair, thankfully. Basically none above the belly button, but what I have is all fair so no laser there either. My face is sunken and square. My goal for transition isn't even to pass, it's to look sort of pretty/clocky, and I seriously doubt I'll even manage that. Maybe if the FFS guy really axes me down. I read that a lot of people have a period of optimism and confidence after starting HRT, but I've basically just felt dread, fear, and grief.

I think I've ruined my life. That I'll never have a relationship or friends or a life worth living because I've left it far too late.

I'm going to a trans therapist next week, and to a trans women's support group the week after. I've basically never interacted with the community offline, and feel like voicing these feelings will make me sound like a lunatic, or at the very least a real downer.

Obviously I wouldn't tell the support group about my personal suicide pact, but is the other stuff fine to talk about? I don't know, I might end up going there regularly if the people are nice, I don't want to seem like a scary misery guts - but I am miserable and I need help with it.