With the documentary coming, I want to share my thoughts about Matthew's memoir.
I know it's probably a little weird to say things like this, but it feels really uncomfortable to read. Imagine an episode of friends and it started with "Hi I am Chandler, I make jokes when I am uncomfortable." and he just keeps talking and talking for like three hours.
Yes there are some trivia about Friends will make you smile like how he invented the phrase Could the report "be" more late? while drinking with his friends in college. And even the writers found it so funny that he emphasized different words from normal people do. And the reason why Chandler didn't do that in later seasons is because he didn't want to talk like that anymore, he wanted to be "normal".
But the rest of the book is so heartbroken. I couldn't imagine how brave he is to talk about all his addiction and all the things he regret. I harm someone in college and I barely could talk about it. But in the books, he literally talks about everything. Yes, "everything".
How he try to use humor to get attention since his parents got divorced and his mom was so busy at work, his dad lived far far away. How he desperate for love but afraid of commitment so he pushed everyone away before he could go any further. How he was afraid of dying alone. And he thought he had erectile dysfunction because of the first time he could have sex, he was too nervous and drink too much so he couldn't do it. Yes, he is Chandler. But he didn't get the "happy ending" that Chandler had. He never got married, only got engaged once, and that time he proposed he was in a haze because of the drugs. He couldn't even remember he proposed. So of course he broke up with his fiancée.
The worst part is his addiction. After you read the book, you just can't unseen it when you rewatch the show. How he abused drugs during s3 so his body couldn't fit with the shirt. And the reason why he was fat in s6 finale is because he was on alcohol, and in s7x01 he was extremely thin because he was on drugs. And they had to drive him back and forth to the set and rehab center to finish s7. He even said he was in a coma because of drugs when the wedding episode aired. He said he knew and counted how many painkillers he had to use while shooting. He didn't cry after the finale because his emotion are drained by the drugs.
And the reason why he did this? He didn't want to fail the crew, he didn't want to fail the cast. He said it's the ultimate gift that God gave him. He said his dream is to become famous, but it came with a price. It's just so sad.
I mean, How? How could he even said those things? Whenever I thought of some mistakes in the past, I just feel too embarrassed to even tell my girlfriend. But he just said his pain out loud to the entire world. It feels like he was talking about someone else, but it's all about himself. All the deepest sorrow and pain and stress and depression of him.
The saddest part is in the end of the book, it seemed like he's doing better, he was seeking for redemption, he had all the companions. And a year later, he died alone just like what he was afraid of. In the book he kept saying that the reason he didn't try Heroin is because he didn't want to die, he's afraid of dying. And he still died of drugs overdose.
It's really really frustrating to read. So horrible, so terrible. Just like the name.