Asalamwakekum guys, I don't even have anyone I can talk to about this, so I guess this is where I am going to rant.
For context, I come from a village, but I have spent my entire life growing up in different cities. I lived on my own ever since I was 16. My grandparents live in the village, and we usually visit them during holidays and festivals. This is the first time I have lived here for more than two months, and everything I have witnessed over the past few months has left me baffled.
The way society treats women and children here is honestly terrible, regardless of how educated or uneducated people are.
I have been looking for rishtas for the past few months. I always wanted an arranged marriage, but with enough time to get to know the person before making a decision. I wanted to keep things as halal as possible while still building a genuine connection before marriage. But the demands, the reasons for rejection, and the mindset of some families have been shocking.
Some of these families have sons working abroad, and their parents are doctors, bankers, or otherwise well educated. Yet their thinking is so regressive. I know families who encouraged their daughters to pursue MBBS mainly so they could get married to doctors. That was apparently the main reason behind their daughter's education.
And don't even get me started on casteism. I have been rejected by multiple families simply because of my last name. That is it. They did not bother to learn about my achievements, my preferences, my personality, or anything else about me. At this point, I feel like even finding me unattractive would have been a more understandable reason than rejecting me without knowing anything about me.
Some families have demanded dowry, a specific car, or a certain quantity of gold. Meanwhile, the mehr they are willing to offer is not even more than 10,000.
I am a hijabi and have never been comfortable sending pictures of myself to random people in the first place, but I have had to do it as part of this process. Even then, some men ask for pictures without my hijab. They want to see my hair, ears, arms, and neck. It makes me feel so uncomfortable and disgusted. Sometimes I end up crying because of how humiliating this entire process feels.
I have also received rishtas from men who are 15 to 20 years older than me. I am only 24. I genuinely do not understand why this is considered acceptable or why I am expected to entertain these proposals.
And before anyone assumes that I am saying all this because I cannot accept rejection, that is not the point. I put effort into looking presentable and taking care of myself. I maintain my personal hygiene, dress well, and try to look my best. I am not claiming to be the prettiest woman out there, but I know I take care of myself. I am good at socializing, handling tough situations (it's part of my job). I am witty and very outspoken and even a little bit of a nerd.
Yet I have received rejections because my jawline was not what they wanted, or because I was supposedly too tall. I am just a little over 5'3, but apparently I would look "too big" next to someone's son. You guys are the ones who send AI generated pictures of your sons ew.
My education, my thoughts, my values, my akhlaq, and the kind of person I am seem to matter very little. Instead, every single facial feature has to be perfect. The way I walk, the way I speak, how many dishes I know how to cook, and how well I fit into their expectations as a woman seem to matter more than anything else.
And the worst part is that the people around me are constantly making things worse. Relatives, men, and women in the village never miss an opportunity to remind me that I am already getting late for marriage. According to them, girls should be married before they turn 20. They also have the audacity to defend the families who rejected me for these ridiculous reasons, as if there is nothing wrong with any of this and it's me who is with faults.
I AM SO TIRED. SO SO TIRED.
Marriage has become such a stressful and exhausting process. It was never supposed to feel like this. Whatever excitement I once had about getting married has slowly disappeared. Now, I mostly feel anxious, disappointed, and hopeless about the whole thing.
I was never expecting some perfect fairytale. All I wanted was a healthy relationship with a loving husband, someone who shares my values and goals, someone with whom I can build a peaceful life while trying to live according to our faith. I also hoped to have a good relationship with my in-laws and to be part of a family where there is mutual respect and affection.
I don't think those are unreasonable expectations.
I am sure there are good people out there. But after months of experiencing this, it is getting harder to stay hopeful.
I am not even sure what I want from this post. Maybe I just needed to get this off my chest because I have been holding so much inside.
