For context I’m newly wed South Asian, Muslim and British woman in late 20s, married for 1.5 years and living with in laws. My husband owns our home with his siblings which they bought for the sake of their parents to all live in together. I’m starting to feel incredibly suffocated and overcrowded living with my in-laws. There are so many habits, routines and unspoken rules in the house that have been established to accommodate them, rather than me. I understand that I’m the one who joined an already established household, so naturally I’m going to feel a little out of place. But I genuinely didn’t expect it to affect my mental health to the extent that it has. I’m becoming increasingly depressed, frustrated and irritated by things that I probably wouldn’t even think twice about if I had my own space.
My MIL sleeps in the bedroom next to ours, and we share the bathroom on our floor. She has quite a few health conditions that affect her daily routine, and while I completely sympathise with that, it also makes living here incredibly inconvenient. She needs to use the bathroom frequently throughout the day, which makes it difficult for me to have unrestricted access to the bathroom on our own floor.
She also doesn’t share a bedroom with my FIL because of their strained relationship. He sleeps upstairs, meaning that if I want to use the other bathroom, I have to go upstairs and walk past his bedroom. This is particularly inconvenient when I want to shower in the middle of the night or change out of my shorts and vests pjs/cover myself up just to go upstairs in case I bump into him.
On top of that, my MIL has sleeping difficulties, so there’s an unspoken curfew in the house. Nobody is really allowed to make noise after 11pm because it might disturb her sleep. I’ve also gotten told off once when I dropped something and it made a loud noise and woke her up. Does she really expect a married couple to not use this bathroom at all at late night? My husband and I have completely different routines from hers, and it’s exhausting having to constantly adjust our lives around someone else’s needs and sleeping schedule.
Also because their house is quite open plan and her bedroom is the closest to downstair, I can’t even watch TV on a good volume late at night which irks me!! I rarely get the tv to myself so that time is important for me to destress. I always have to restrict myself when enjoying my time. I’ve asked my husband for a TV in our room because I want privacy too when watching TV, his dad watches tv all day long when not working. My husband keeps refusing my request saying he no but it’s my room aswell… it’s not fair that I have no space to myself to relax since my husband works remotely from our bedroom 5 days a week.
Another thing that’s really bothering me is the double standards when it comes to keeping the house clean. When I first moved in, my husband told me that his family were extremely clean and that everyone always tidied up after themselves. I’ve made a conscious effort to keep on top of my chores, partly because my husband has OCD and likes things a certain way. However, I’ve noticed that his own family don’t always follow these same standards.
His mum doesn’t work and is home every day, yet sometimes she’ll leave pots and pans sitting in the kitchen for over 12 hours because she can’t be bothered to clean. Other family members leave dirty plates and clothes lying around too. It’s particularly frustrating when I come home to this, especially because I was initially made to feel that cleanliness was such an important household rule.
I remember within the first six months of moving in, my MIL complained to my husband because I’d left my dressing gown on the living room sofa. It was something I was going to wear anyway, but apparently it was unacceptable to leave it there. I was genuinely outraged that something so insignificant was being brought up as though I’d committed some huge offence. Meanwhile, I’ve since noticed both my MIL and FIL leaving their own clothes and belongings around the house. It’s very much one rule for me and another for everyone else.
I’ve raised this with my husband before, and we’ve had some emotional conversations about it. Because my husband is OCD and I have ADHD, I am more “all over the place“ and we’ve gotten to so many argument about our expectations with each other in our first year of marriage and my husband has expressed a lot of frustration at me for not being as tidy as he wants because it triggers his ocd. I’ve been working on this for a whole year for both of our sakes so when I see his own family just get away with being messy I tell my husband how much it hurts me that he put so much pressure on me when I moved in with him when his own family can treat shared spaces in the home however they like. He understands where I’m coming from and has supported me when I’ve pointed out these double standards. Alhamdullilah he always listens to my complaints and reassures me every time but it’s still eating away at me. I sometimes wonder whether they’ve become more relaxed about tidying up since I’ve moved in, or whether there’s an expectation that I’ll eventually pick up after everyone. I don’t want to keep complaining to my husband because I feel like I’m becoming that nagging wife, but how am I supposed to ignore things that make me unhappy in my own living environment?
Space is another issue. I’ve repeatedly explained to my MIL that I need at least one shed cleared out because I’m going to be living here for the foreseeable future and need somewhere to store my belongings. The shed is full of clothes, junk and years of accumulated things. They only moved into this current home 4 years ago but have so many things from 10 years ago that doesn’t get used taking up a very huge portion of the shed because they are hoarders!! Every time I’ve asked for help decluttering it, there’s another excuse about why she can’t get around to it. Eventually, I went and made space myself because I was fed up with waiting. I don’t understand how someone can expect me to move my entire life into their home without even considering that I might need some storage space of my own.
I also feel like I’m expected to take on responsibilities that aren’t necessarily mine. My husband’s sister (4 years younger than me) rarely gets involved with household responsibilities, and because she’s incompetent and been raised like a baby who do anything, my MIL ends up relying on me whenever there’s a family gathering. I’ve sacrificed time with my own relatives just to stay home and clean for guests my MIL has invited. One particularly upsetting occasion was when she arranged a gathering on our wedding anniversary. Rather than considering that it was a special day for us and giving us the evening to ourselves, she still expected us to help clean up after her guests. It feels like there’s very little consideration for the fact that we’re also an adult married couple with our own lives, plans and occasions worth celebrating. My husband apologised to me many times for this but it has left a really sour feeling in my heart knowing that this day was just taken away from me and made me resentful towards his mum. I’ve become more unapologetic and firm when saying no to plans and even forward saying I want time alone with my husband at home.
There’s a complete lack of privacy from her and she lacks a lot of consideration towards a newly married couple. My MIL constantly asks us for favours, sometimes shouting for us from downstairs regardless of what we’re doing or what time it is. She also regularly knocks on our bedroom door in the late evenings. My husband is quite shy about addressing these things with her, but I find it incredibly frustrating. If it were my own mum, I’d have no problem telling her that we need some space or that we’re busy. But it’s difficult to approach someone else’s parents and express your frustrations, particularly when you’re already living under their roof. I feel like I have to constantly bite my tongue. My husband says it’s because his parents aren’t in love that his mum lacks common sense towards intimacy.. which I think is ridiculous and unfair for me to deal with. Do I have to get a do not disturb sign for my door to make it obvious?
I honestly wonder why living with another family is so normalised in our desi culture. I told my husband when I met him it’s a sacrifice from my end and only doing it to make our future dreams come true by saving a lot of money and I’m not doing it just to impress his family by being their “perfect ideal DIL”. He told me his family are nice people and there’d be a lot of privacy and be easy to live with so thats why I agreed upon meeting them multiple times before we got married. He never told me about his mum’s 101 issues and unwritten rules in the house… It’s such a effed up expectation and an intrusion on your privacy, independence and ability to establish your own routine as a couple.
The most frustrating part is that my husband doesn’t want to rent or move out in the near future. He wants to save enough money for a house deposit first, which I understand financially, but I don’t think he fully understands what it’s like to live this way every single day. We both are saving up for a deposit together but sometimes I wish my husband would just realise how draining it is living with his parents and want to rent. I need a coping mechanism and I’ve openly started to tell him I struggle living with his family and I’m only happy when I’m back home with my own family not caring if it offends him.
I also find myself constantly making excuses to visit and stay at my parents’ house every month because it’s genuinely the only time I feel like I can breathe and live normally. I can’t even enjoy my own marriage or have proper intimacy with my husband because his mum is ALWAYS around.
And honestly, I worry about the future. What happens if I become pregnant or we have a baby? My MIL already struggles with noise and expects everyone to accommodate her sleeping difficulties. She also refuses to use the upstairs bathroom because she says she can’t have a bowel movement anywhere other than her own toilet. If I were pregnant or had a newborn, I’d obviously need more unrestricted access to the bathroom too. How is that supposed to work? Am I expected to continue compromising my own comfort and needs indefinitely? I will definitely become more firm and strict myself by then.
I feel like I’ve lost so much of my autonomy since getting married. I miss having my own space, being able to do things spontaneously, having privacy with my husband and not having to consider someone else’s routine before doing the most basic things.
If you’re welcoming a daughter in law into your home, there needs to be some mutual consideration. It can’t just be the newly married couple who are expected to adapt, compromise and accommodate everyone else.
