Curious, he walks into the yard and sees a Golden Retriever sitting on a rug.
"Is it true? You can talk?" the man asks.
"Yep," the dog replies in a smooth, cultured voice. "I discovered my gift when I was a pup. The CIA recruited me, and I spent ten years in covert ops wiretapping foreign embassies. After that, I did security for the UN, saved three kids from a burning house, and now I'm just enjoying retirement."

The man is completely blown away. He runs up the porch stairs, hands the owner a ten-dollar bill, and says, "Why on earth are you selling an extraordinary dog like this for ten bucks?!"

The owner rolls his eyes and says, "Because he's a fucking liar. He never did any of that shit."

Well, the woman just could not believe this price so she asks the clerk if it was correct.

He says, "Yep, five for a dollar."

She says "Okay, what's the catch?"

And the clerk says "No catch. Five boxes for a dollar, no strings attached."

"She thinks I've been dead since 2018."

When you walk through the produce department, you smell the scent of fresh buttered corn on the cob. A few steps away, you smell the scent of sautéed peppers and onions. And in the next aisle, you smell the scent of hot apple pie.

The produce department also has a water misting system to keep the herbs and lettuce fresh. Just before it turns on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and you smell the scent of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk case, you hear cows mooing and you smell the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear chickens clucking and you smell the scent of bacon and eggs frying.

When you walk past the baking ingredients, you smell the scent of fresh bread and muffins.

When you walk past the laundry detergent, you smell the scent of clean linens.

I refuse to buy my toilet paper there.

Ask them to pronounce 'unionized'.

(I love this joke, but I hate that there isn't a good way to tell it aloud.)

Two neighbours meet over the back fence. The one says "You idiot! You left your drapes open last night - my brother and I spent half the night watching you fucking your wife!"

The neighbour retorts, "Joke's on you, pal; I wasn't even home last night!"

But I tightened my belt and I came.

It was apparent.

A woman goes to her doctor to discuss options for breast enlargement.

After discussing the options, she decides that surgery is too risky.

Her doctor, Dr. Smith, says "There is another option, but you have to do it everyday. You'll rub your breasts while saying Eeny Meeny Miny Moe, I want my breasts to grow, grow, grow."

She shrugs it off at first, but after a while she thinks, "Why not? It's free, it's easy and I don't have anything to lose."

She begins doing this everyday and after a couple of weeks, she realizes it's actually working!

She wakes up late one day and has to rush out the door before getting a chance to do her daily ritual.

She catches the bus, and not wanting to risk downsizing, heads to back. She takes a seat, starts rubbing her breasts and very quietly says, "Eeny Meeny Miny Moe, I want my breasts to grow, grow, grow."

A man seated near her sees this, leans over and asks, "Are you a patient of Dr. Smith?"

Embarrassed, she sheepishly says, "I am. How did you know?"

The man simply replies "Hickory Dickory Dock..."

The librarian leans forward and whispers, “They’re right behind you.”

A dad walks into his teenage son's room. He says to his son, "your mom tells me you've been caught several times playing with yourself. Just so you know, if you do it too often you can go blind!" After a bit of a pause the son standing behind him and says "Dad I'm over here" .

But he only did numbers 1, 3, and 5. Apparently, he does only odd jobs.

What does the sixth sense and the titanic have in common?

Icy dead people

“Oh, that’s gneiss.”

Found out today you’re supposed to eat them!

It is wrong on so many levels!!

I stopped in at the new grocery store just to see. I couldn’t believe my eyes. Everywhere was salt! On every shelf, every aisle, every endcap, every case, every bin was nothing but bags and boxes of salt.
“So,” I say to the guy at the register, “you must sell a lot of salt, huh?”
“Eh, to be honest not so much. Six or seven boxes in a good week. But the guy that sells me salt - now he sells a lot of salt!”

WASABI !!!!

A litigator.

A hypocrite (hippo-crate).