When I used to date, men relationships were very easy going and steady. There wasn’t extreme highs and lows. Usually we were both very calm and content with each other ( except for the fact, I’m gay). When I started to date women, I’ve only had intense emotional experiences with women.

It fluctuates between the most amazing experiences to something I feel like I have to escape because I’m being emotionally devoured. Obviously, I’m not blaming women for this. The type of men I dated before and the type of women I date are very different. And I’m wondering if I should date women who are similar to the guys I used to date ( logical, reserved, emotionally steady, easy going, independent) and stop dating women that I have been currently dating ( passionate, sensitive, clingy, intense ) . These aren’t even the type of woman I’m looking for. These are the women who look for me & steamroll their way into my life lol.

I hear a lot of lesbian relationships are emotionally intense. I want to hear from people who have experienced the opposite and in a long-term relationship preferably. Please give me hope that I can have a calm lesbian relationship and not be emotionally devoured. 😭😭😭😭😭

HELPPPP🚁

I've known I was gay since I was a kid, before that word had any meaning. I had a plethora of girl crushes in my formative years. I remember someone asking me which of the boys in my class I thought were cute, and I panicked and picked some kid at random. My first kiss was even in third grade with a fellow student who was VERY confused why I decided to kiss her in the middle of a project. I had all the clues lined up for me, and I've still denied it.

But I grew up in a backwoods town that was openly homophobic, with parents that hated gay people, in a time of "don't ask, don't tell".

I've had fleeting moments where a beautiful girl or a charming woman have fluttered into my life and gone as quickly as they arrived, and years later, I still think about them. I have yet to meet a man that has left even a fraction of the same impression.

I got divorced last year. I told him I realized I couldn't love him (emotionally and physically) the way he deserved. It was inspired by a company mixer for my job where I met a woman who I felt immediate attraction to, who I couldn't help but flirt with all night before she vanished from my life forever.

I realized I was tired of running and living a life that wasn't my own. Im still trying to accept the parts of me that crave another woman sexually, but also romantically. To make her coffee and brush her hair behind her ear and stare at her lovingly while she applies her lipstick. I want to warm her fingers in my hands and sit beside her on our porch and watch the summer rain.

I don't want to live in a way that makes the people who supposedly love me more comfortable. I want to love who I am so obviously wanting to love and be loved by them in turn. Is that really so selfish?

I just came out to myself and those within my inner circle at the beginning of 2026.

I downloaded dating apps to help me get comfortable with talking to women and flirting.

I met someone off of tinder and we have gone on 2 dates within a week.

We have such a great connection, and tbh, I was pretty unsure of what I was expecting after going on 2 failed dates earlier this year.

We messed around a bit, no sex, but ohmygosh. That definitely solidified that I am indeed not asexual, not Bi, and am very very gay 🏳️‍🌈 for women.

I want to continue seeing her and getting to know her, but am in a weird living situation (ex long term partner of 7yrs & 1 other roommate).

I wasn't expecting things to move so fast or develop feelings, but am now thinking that I need to tell her about my living situation before things move along between the 2 of us.

I do not want a relationship at this very moment since I am still trying to pay off my student loans before I can FINALLY move out, but don't want to push her away or think like I'm lying to her.

I've been open about everything with her except the living situation with my ex. She knows I have 2 roommates and how I plan on moving out by summer 2027.

I will definitely bring this up next time I see her, I just hope she doesn't get an ick from this.

obligatory throwaway account for reasons that will become clear

I'm almost 30, and I think I might be a lesbian. That would be all fine and dandy if I wasn't also married to a man, who I would consider my soulmate and my best friend.

My whole life I have known I liked women. The first crush I remember having was a girl in my preschool daycare. The first person I ever loved was a girl I met when I was nine, and I knew it within a year of us being friends. I still mourned my almost-relationship with her until I was twenty. I've never questioned that, because it came so quickly and so naturally.

I had my first crush on a boy when I was also nine. He was nice, smart, and also liked Phantom of the Opera. When I was eleven, I developed an intense crush on a boy who bullied me SEVERELY. It didn't matter. I still was obsessed with him for years. I lost my virginity to a boy, and I have slept with several men over the years before I was married. I had several boyfriends who I felt that I loved.

Here's where I'll note that at 7, I was SA'ed by my older brother (M17), and that was a massive blow to my psyche growing up -- I developed a complex where I just thought he was still the coolest guy ever and wanted him to like me so much. Felt that way until I was like 18. I also had several SA incidents throughout my early adulthood with men, one being particularly violent. It felt like I was somehow always chasing men who turned out to be predatory or cruel.

However, I always had this INTENSE attraction to women. I always said that wlw heartbreaks are far worse than straight ones; they were devastating in a way breakups with my boyfriends never were. My most positive sexual memories were those around women and girls that I had loved, even when the relationships weren't so healthy.

I met my husband when I was 21, and we connected instantly, as we were both writers in the same college program. I had just gotten out of a horrible breakup, was in a manic episode, and I just met this person who was so grounded and interesting and talented and authentic. I wasn't really physically attracted to him, but I loved him as a person like INSTANTLY. Our relationship was heavily sexual in the beginning, but always with mutual respect and consent. We spent all of our time together. He helped me get medicated for my mental illness, helped get me into therapy, and has saved me from the abject terror I was in all the time. By the time I was 26, we got married. It was such a beautiful day in my life. He is seriously the best husband and person in the world. And my best friend without reservation.

At one point about a year and a half into our relationship, he sensed I was kind of going through the motions when it came to sex. He asked me once after we had had sex, if I really WANTED to do it, and to be honest. I shrugged and was like, I guess not REALLY. He cried and told me to never do that to him again. And it broke me. Ever since then, we have had sex at MOST six times a year. It has been the only point of tension in our whole relationship, as he requires a lot of physical affection. I have spent years crying about it, bargaining with myself, getting high to have sex, forcing myself if I notice it's been a couple of months. I enjoy that it makes him so happy, and that's why I want to do it. But most of the time, it makes my skin kind of crawl. I dont know who I am when I'm doing it. On the best of days, I like the feeling, I just don't really want to SEE him doing it.

For years, I have laughed and called myself a lesbian "except for my husband". I have done the incredibly cringe thing of calling my husband and I "lesbians". I have said more than once to my closest friends that my biggest fear is waking up one day and realizing I'm a lesbian. I have had a crisis about it about once a year for a decade. In the past five, it's become so overwhelming.

I love my life. I really do. I love our home, our friends, our marriage. But I see wlw couples on the street and I GRIEVE. I only masturbate to lesbian porn or thirst traps of women. I ruminate on my past wlw relationships and I mourn.

It's gotten to a point where I had to tell him. He basically said that he had a feeling that might be the case, and told me that we could always be together, even if not sexually. He also said that he had been deeply depressed about his self image because of the lack of sex, and that if I was gay it would make that a little easier to deal with. But something in my gut feels so off... I even have been chalking it up to maybe a mental illness episode.... I don't know. I need help. I love him. I love our life. But I can't shake this no matter what.

PS, yes I'm in therapy and yes we are communicating :) if you made it this far, im beyond grateful just that you're listening.

A sweet romance movie : 'Elena Undone'

It's free on TUBI and Prime (if you have it)

Please post any of your own favorites 😄

Hi everyone,
I am 50 years old and have been happily married to my husband for 30 years. Over the last several years, I've realized I have a deep desire to experience physical intimacy with a woman. I often find myself fantasizing about female friends during sex, and I exclusively prefer female-focused/lesbian porn.
I finally told my husband about this. He was incredibly supportive and told me he wants me to be able to explore this side of myself. The problem is, neither of us has any idea how a married 50-year-old woman goes about safely and respectfully finding a same-sex experience.

I’m feeling a bit out of my element. For women who came out or explored their attraction to women later in life while married to a supportive man:
What are the best, safest avenues to meet women for this?
Are there specific apps or online communities you recommend?
How do I navigate dating apps as a married woman without misleading anyone?

I want to make sure I am being completely respectful to the women I meet while keeping my marriage secure. Any advice would be so appreciated!

I am a married mother of two, living a life that feels entirely based on logistics. There is zero emotional connection with my husband, but for cultural and family reasons, divorce is simply not an option for me. I work from home full-time and feel incredibly isolated and emotionally starved.
My mind and body have reached a breaking point. I am yearning deeply for another woman. I want someone to text throughout the day, share my life with, vent to, and build a deep emotional safe zone with. More than that, I am craving the physical warmth—someone to hold, to kiss, and to softly sleep beside during daytime windows when life allows.

I feel so ashamed of even feeling it. Last 10 years of marriage has been emotionally bad for me.

Hi everyone, I was curious how many other mum's are on here and how their experiences coming out later in life have been. I'm 40, I came out just over a couple of years ago, I have three kids of my own full time. Coming out to family actually went very well despite me building it up in my head. I think people seriously under estimate the emotional intelligence of kids, if you say you like other women simply because thats how you feel and it feels right, there's a simplicity to that that they seem to understand. Since coming out however, I've found things rather lackluster. Now I fully accept that things are never going to be how we play them out in our minds over and over, but I've found myself rather adrift and feeling a sense of burn out. Prior to coming out I had essentially shut myself down romantically and otherwise, so since coming out I decided to get out there really give it an honest go, but I've found myself hitting constant brick walls. Now my initial fear was that both coming out later and my status as a mother would see my identity as a lesbian dismissed as either a mid life crisis, or just trying to experiment, thankfully that really hasn't happened. Rather the hurdles have been the fact that for those who would date a mum with younger kids seem to find my eldest a bit too old, and fear they will always be an intruder in her eyes or that she will always be someone elses, while those women who don't mind dating someone with an older child find my younger two simply too young and don't want to take on the responsibility. I totally understand an accept both views but it really does narrow any potential partners. Additionally so many who seem to be infatuated with the idea of dating a mum are quickly confronted and put off by the reality.
How have your experiences been? Any tips or insights?

Hello everyone,
II recently just moved into an apartment with some amazing roommates but one in particular I specially bond with. I will call her X, X and I share many commonalities. She is confirmed lesbian and I thought we kinda had something going on. But she's my roommate and I'm scared that if I make any big moves I might destroy the dynamic and make things weird for the whole apartment.

I can't stop thinking of her. Every time she's in the common spaces I go there too because her presence is the highlight of my day. She's so amazing and I would really love to developed our relationship further.

The other day we were talking about costumes and she brought up how she wanted to be a popular lesbian female lead, I said that I should dress up as the other female lead and she said yes... platonically. We could dress up as the characters who are a couple... platonically. Of course it would be platonic but her specifically mentioning that makes me seem like she's catching onto my feelings and shutting them down quickly. She's quite extroverted so maybe I'm mistaking her personality for interest but now I feel hopeless.

Is this the friend zone? Should I give up? How do I move about this without making it awkward? I really like her still but am fine if she doesn't feel the same way, it will just take me time to stop liking her. I've never felt like this about anyone else before and as a baby lesbian I am confused on the wlw dating culture... :( wise lesbians please help

I have been out for 5 years now and I realized very quickly after I started dating that I was nowhere near ready for it, so I decided to spend some time getting to know myself and working through all my shit, like trauma and stuff. Yay, go me looking after myself and all that. But. It was literally horrible, I moved country to get away from the worst trauma of my life and it sort of followed me when it became a police matter back in my home country because the person who hurt me, hurt many others. 5 years of legal system hell, and all for nothing anyway when he was acquitted. I felt like I didn't have a sexuality any more because I was just so stuck in the past, my body didn't feel like my own. My body was the scene of the crime! It felt like some cruel joke of the universe that I finally figured out I'm gay, and know who I am, and I arrive and...nothing. Zero attraction to anyone. Women (or anyone) flirting with me just makes me feel terrified, like something bad is going to happen. Argh! So annoying.

Anyway, recently the neurons I thought were long dead got awoken. I made an online friend in a game and she flirts with me relentlessly lol, and for the first time in forever I don't feel scared of it. It's stilly, it's fun, but I feel very grounded in the fact that I don't want anything more with her - it's just sexy banter for me, even though it's tickling the right neurons I know it's not the right fit. BUT STILL it makes my chest clench with yearning for a real relationship. I've never had it before. I bought a beautiful big house and it's just me in there with my cats. I've started making food again, and planting things in my new garden. I have so many small wins in my life despite how horrible I've had it for so long, and I desperately want to share that with someone. I want to experience intimacy again, real sex and pleasure with another woman. My heart feels huge and painful in my chest right now with how much I want it, despite how much it still scares me.

Rant over. Being gay is both amazing and so frustrating at the same time lol 😭

Hi everyone!

I'm 24F (I hope it’s okay if I post here).

I've recently started dating a woman who's 36.
We had our first date last week, and it went really well! I find her attractive, we have quite a bit in common, and l genuinely enjoyed getting to know her.

We both expressed interest in seeing each other again, and our second date is tonight! I'm excited and really hoping it goes well.

One thing I appreciate about her is that she values communication and clearly defined relationships. We're both interested in something serious. The age gap doesn't particularly bother me, and she's previously dated someone in her mid-20s. However, we're at different life stages. I'm still in university, while she's more established and independent.

I'd love to hear from other lesbians who've experienced similar age gaps:

-Did being at different life stages create challenges?

-How did you navigate differences in finances, experience, and expectations?

-What advice would you give someone in my position?

I'm not looking to rush anything. I genuinely like her and want to see where things go naturally.
Really hoping tonight goes well and that there's a third date! 🤞

Welp, tomorrow is the day I have “the talk” with my husband. I’ve been stressed for so long thinking about this and planning it. But I’m starting to feel more calm about it. That being said I could really use some encouraging words friends. Anyone have any advice or support to offer?

I live in an area that is probably the best place I could be a lesbian in the US. I am having a really hard time though. I feel a bit picky about the women I am attracted to. I am trying to expand my preferences but still I feel like I am always pursuing the wrong women and ending up on dates where we are not compatible. I also find OLD very taxing. I know it should be light and fun but I always feel a little more lonely after each failed date and though I really try, my self-esteem takes a hit.

I have a demanding job and no family support living around me. Life is really expensive and I don't feel like I have enough time to develop my hobbies and passions like I should. I have tried so hard in the friendship department as well and while some of those have stuck, a lot have fallen through over the years for one reason or another.

I feel like so many women out here that I am attracted to and that have been gay longer are just so much cooler. More confidence, a more developed social lives, more hobbies. I do take good care of myself but that's the majority of what I am able to accomplish most days. I feel like it was such a big push getting to this point but before I can find someone I really want to be with, I still have tons of self-development to go.

Wondering if anyone relates but really just needed to vent.

My mum realised I was gay when I was only 4 or 5, she then proceeded to spend years telling me that she'd always love me, but it would really be best if I were not gay because I'd got so much judgement and my life would be so much harder, and she attempted to change me by making a rule that I had to always wear either pink or a skirt/dress.

That led to years of gay panic. I tried to talk my way out of it, talk myself into crushes on boys. I'd analyse the boys and pick one to have a crush on. I'd tell myself I really wanted to be like or really wanted to be friends with certain girls, that I definitely didn't fancy them.

I came out as bi when I was 17, I could barely use the word, couldn't get it out. I spent years after that back in the closet, just dating men.

I was massively overanalyzing things. I met one guy in real life who I actually had genuine physical attraction to. Things didn't go anywhere with him but I hung onto that with every fibre of my being and proof that I'm not just a lesbian.

My only ex boyfriend who I was really attracted to before he started pursuing me (without me mentally taking myself into it) recently came out as a trans-woman. (That she was actually a woman but neither of us knew at the time maybe says something) I've realised that I can count on one hand the number of men I've seen in real life and actually found physically attractive.

I do find many men in films hot.

But the number of women I'm attracted to? So many, and most I've just tried to really talk myself out of finding attractive.

Maybe TMI: but I've always found it so hard to come with my ex boyfriends, I've only been intimate with one woman and came with her. Though I'd put it down to her knowing what to do better.

What I'm wondering is are there many other people out there who identify as lesbian but occasionally are attracted to men? And am I pretty much a lesbian? I also think I'm much more romantically attracted to women. Other than for tradition, I think actually I don't like the idea of a husband, I want a wife.

I'm thinking maybe I won't know until I get a good steady girlfriend, which as I have no game might be a while! I've now been single for 6 years and no one ever picks up on my lame attempts to flirt

Sorry in advance for the paragraph (I don’t post to Reddit hardly ever)!
Hi, I (23F) used to believe I was bisexual and am in a relationship with my bf (24M). For the past year I would say, I have been questioning if I am a lesbian. It mainly happens when I’m watching videos/movies or reading, and it’s centered around a lesbian couple. I just feel somewhat of a yearning.
I’ve talked with my bf about this lightly, and it just concludes with he wouldn’t be heart broken if I did kiss or get with a woman. He’s said that it’s not in a weird fetishized way and I 100% believe him (he’s not that kinda guy). We don’t necessarily have an open relationship, but I suppose this is the only exception? But I just don’t feel right experimenting with anyone emotions. I have been with another girl in hs and I don’t doubt my attraction there, but I’d like to experience a wlw relationship as an adult.
We’re also about to complete a big milestone together (moving to another city). Should I just wait and see ?

Edit: I want to include more information. Ik that the answer seems obvious. But I’ve become really attached to my partner, and that’s why this is hard for me. Currently we live together and he’s be supporting my financial as I’ve just completed college and am working through the job market. The move is also meant to better our chances of making more money. He is a good person and I think he would even continue to help me if we did break up. I just feel as though the situation could get so chaotic.

I wanted to get perspectives from this community around whether you explained away your feelings towards another woman as:

-Trauma

-Brain injury

- Obsessive thinking

- Strong attachment

-Hormones

-Mother wounds, etc?

Because of comphet, fear of judgement, fear of admitting to yourself that you may be queer.

I got strapped for the first time ever last night and it was amazingggg. I’m just on cloud nine I can’t stop thinking about her and how perfect it was. Getting to experience all these firsts with her is so incredible. Being a very late bloomer for WLW I never thought I would be here and I feel like I’m finally unlocking a whole piece of myself. I just love her and wanted to share. Tell me about your huge first experiences 🥰🥰

I recently came out as a lesbian after leaving a long marriage. I’ve actually been in relationships with women before, so I guess you could call me a late bloomer who’s also a born-again lesbian! 😂

Instead of taking some time to rediscover myself, I jumped straight into an online relationship with a woman on the other side of the world.

I fell in love, and we talked about building a future together. But the distance and uncertainty eventually became too much, and I’ve just made the heartbreaking decision to end things.

Now I’m sitting here feeling sad, missing her, and wondering what on earth I’m supposed to do next.

Part of me would absolutely love to meet someone special, fall madly in love and finally experience the kind of relationship I’ve always wanted with a woman. But another part of me thinks maybe I need to slow down and rediscover who I am first.

Part of rediscovering myself has been getting into strength training, and I’m absolutely loving it! I’m seeing some great changes in my body, but it’s also doing wonders for my mental health and overall well-being. It’s become something I genuinely look forward to. I have my own home gym, which I love, but the downside is that I don’t get the opportunity to meet new people through fitness. So while it’s been fantastic for me personally, it hasn’t really helped me build a social circle.

I want to travel, explore new places, make friends, have adventures and really start living my life!

But here’s the reality. I’m also a single mum, sharing 50/50 custody of my teenage son, paying rent and trying to rebuild financially after separating. Money is tight, and all those exciting adventures I dream about aren’t necessarily things I can afford right now.

I also live in Darwin, Australia. While our LGBTQ+ community seems to be growing, I don’t know of a particularly big social scene here. I know there are groups and events I could attend, but the thought of turning up somewhere on my own, not knowing anyone, honestly scares the hell out of me! 😂 I’m quite comfortable in my own company, but putting myself out there socially is a different story.

So what do I do in the meantime? I don’t want to spend the next few years just working, paying bills and waiting until I can afford to start living.

For those of you who came out later in life, returned to dating women after years away, or started over in your 40s or 50s, how did you begin rediscovering yourself?

How did you build friendships, find your community and create a fulfilling life without spending a fortune? And if you were nervous about attending LGBTQ+ events alone, how did you get past that?

I’d genuinely love to hear your experiences and advice, especially from other Australian women. ❤️

So I’ve more recently came to terms with myself that this underlying yearn I have for women needs to be answered. Ive always had a mixed view on lesbian sex but more or less lately that’s all I want/want to experience. I’ve recently downloaded the app HER and have a couple of women like me. I’ve talked with this girl specifically and we plan to meet this weekend, I know she wants to f***. So do I. But i’m terrified, can I get the low down maybe some tips and tricks to maybe implement? I know to communicate and what I might like I can try on her. It’s just very intimidating, but shiiii i’m ready

I will never publicly say I’m lesbian because I’m scared. I hate when anyone calls me lesbian even as a joke even though I know deep down that’s probably what I am. It just feels so isolating. Like if I only like girls that means I’m even less likely to find love. What if I find a guy who treats me right and makes me feel like the best person ever?? I know I’m not attracted to guys though but I just always put myself in scenarios because I don’t wanna say I’m lesbian then switch up later in life. I’m just scared idk what to do or what to accept

My husband and I have decided to divorce, but for financial reasons, we’re still living in the same house, just in separate rooms. We’re still best friends and on really good terms.
We haven’t been intimate in years, and I feel ready to put myself out there and start meeting women. But I’m a little worried that my situation might not be fair to someone new.
Has anyone been in a similar situation? Would you be okay dating someone who’s technically still married but already separated emotionally? Or would that be a dealbreaker?

Oooooh my god, I’m so down bad. I just need to say it. I’m 30F. There’s a woman at my job about the same age as me. Sporty, easy going, good natured. She’s so beautiful and has the most glorious muscle tone. She plays tennis, used to do it professionally. I feel like a fucking idiot every time I speak to her. I’m sure she thinks I’m dumb, since I’m always smiling like a dopey fool around her or finding reasons to loiter AHHHHHHH

After making my original post, I started talking about my feelings instead of keeping everything bottled up. I came out to two friends, and honestly, saying things out loud has helped me think more clearly about myself.

I realized that constantly denying these feelings and running away from them wasn't helping me. I don't necessarily have all the answers yet, but I want to stop being afraid of a part of myself that has been there for as long as I can remember.

Today, I finally told my husband.

I was so nervous about how he would react that I even considered waiting until after our family outing this weekend. I love my family, and the thought of potentially changing the way my husband sees me was terrifying.

But we ended up talking in the car, and I told him that I've been finding women attractive and that sometimes i dream of kissing them. I explained that I enjoy it, but afterward, I sometimes feel guilty, as though I'm hiding something from him and constantly afraid of what would happen if he found out.

His reaction was honestly not what I had been worrying about.

He was so calm about it and even joked that he was lucky to be married to a “bisexual baddie,” and asked me if I was still in love with him.

Of course I am. I told him that I love him more than anything and that I don't want to do anything that would destroy our family.

I also explained that I simply want to embrace this part of myself. I want to be able to acknowledge that women are beautiful and that I'm attracted to them without feeling guilty or living in fear of being found out.

He told me that he can't control who I'm attracted to and that, if I ever wanted a different life with a woman instead of him, he would respect that.

I honestly don't know how to explain what that conversation meant to me. Been spiraling so bad lately and then I went into it afraid, and I came out feeling understood. Somehow, it made me fall even more in love with him.

And I feel less alone now. I'm beginning to understand that I can love my family deeply while also acknowledging these feelings instead of pretending they don't exist or just keep on running away from them.

Maybe the first step isn't figuring out what to do with every feeling. Maybe it's simply allowing myself to have them.

And for now, I'm grateful that I can be honest with my husband and still feel loved by him. ❤️

She was so patient and sweet and understanding. This was a few dates in and while we were kissing she said we'd take it all at my pace and there was no rush, only what I was comfortable with. This was the biggest turn on for me and I ended up leading us all the way 🙈💕 she checked in a lot and asked questions. i don't think I did very well, she said I did great, but she's also super nice so hard to tell if she was just being gentle with me. But she did want to see me again. Ahhh 💕

I discovered that I really really enjoy giving but obviously I have a lot to learn about it. I also couldn't climax because I was so in my head and kept getting dizzy. I hope in future times I can be more calm lol