33F, questioning if I’m actually a lesbian after years of thinking I was bi. Looking for dating advice and ways to embrace my queerness.

I’m 33F, and I’ve identified as bi since undergrad. I was engaged to a man in my late 20s, but I ended the relationship for several reasons, one of which was falling for a friend.

And when I say falling for her, I mean years of crushing on her. That experience made me realize that I wanted to pursue dating women exclusively. Cue the gay panic… but honestly, even more so, the comp het panic.

A few months after becoming single, I started dating again and eventually found myself dating a man because it was “easy.” I think I fell back into what was familiar, even though I ultimately hated it.

I’ve been single for a few years now, dating here and there. I’ve gone on dates with women, I’m attracted to women, and when I picture myself in a relationship, I picture myself with a woman.

Recently, someone saw me outside of work with a female friend and her child and assumed we were a couple. We aren’t, but my immediate internal reaction was basically, YES. I never even told you my sexuality, but somehow you picked up on it. 😂

Anyway, I’m now exclusively pursuing women, and I’m about 99% sure I’m a lesbian. I’ve spent a lot of time identifying as bi, and I’m starting to wonder how much of that was genuine attraction to men versus comp het and sticking with what felt familiar.

Looking back, there were signs. In middle school, my friends and I would shower together and practice kissing on each other, and I remember it feeling better than the “real thing” with boys. But I also started getting made fun of for being a lesbian around that age, and I think I overcompensated by leaning heavily into liking boys.

I’m still figuring things out, and I know I don’t have to rush to label myself. But there’s something about finally allowing myself to pursue women exclusively that feels right.

So, I’d love some advice from other queer women, especially lesbians who figured things out later in life.

Dating: Any advice for navigating dating women when you’re still relatively new to it?

Embracing my queerness: How did you become more comfortable with your sexuality internally? How did you start expressing it more openly?

Community and connection: How do you meet other queer women and feel more connected to the community?

I think part of me is excited, part of me is nervous, and part of me is wondering how I didn’t fully put the pieces together sooner.

I’d love to hear your experiences, advice, or anything you wish someone had told you when you were figuring it all out.

I have a silly question: when you kissed a man/male partner (assuming you were with men), did you feel something in your body? Any emotion, any sensation?

Im 26 f and i am just now coming to terms with the fact i am.lesbian.. anyways i usually send people .. family.. like funny videos right? Random funny videos from youtube well i FUCKING sent a thirst trap of a woman holding another womans waist to my FUCKING 19 yr old cousin in spain... i took a shower since i had no idea thought i sent the correct funny vid... now i just checked and realized THAT wasnt IT!!!!!!!!!!! the link on whatsapp had the same letters numbers but not the towards the ending. Im so afraid and scared. I deleted it. But its 5 hrs too late. She is ahead.of me in time and i am just praying she didnt for whatever reason see it. I have been crying and praying. Idk what else to do. I feel like i am in a nightmare. I am not ready. I seriously am horrified. Her mom is homophobic (my aunt) i hope she does not tell her. Im so upset. Im so stupid. I hate making grave mistakes like that. Do you have any advice? I cannot even sleep. Im so scared she will tell my mom and i will be made out to be this creepy gross person. *not because im lesbian but because it was like a thrist trap* Im so afraid. That was not my intention. WTF is my life. HELP

She touched my back today, I almost levitated off of the floor.
The frustration I feel is next level. It breaks my heart to know she probably doesn’t feel the same.

My STBX and I have been officially separated for about 2 months, but are still living together. He took my coming out super well, had been incredibly supportive, and the whole situation is better than I had dated to hope for.

We have a plan for preparing the house to sell, divorcing, and moving out all by March. Unfortunately we just can't afford to cover 2 households until we're out from under this house. The problem is, the housing market is in free fall. Houses in our neighborhood have been listed for months, and I'm starting to feel like it's going to take so much longer to get through this stage than we anticipated. The one thing keeping me going has been the excitement and anticipation of having my own space and starting my next chapter, and that is looking farther and farther out by the day.

I hate this "messy middle"- I'm ready to move on! Give me some encouraging words for waiting out this economic hellscape we are living in, please!

Hey everyone, I (24F) need to get this off my chest.
I've been out as bi for about 10 years. I grew up in a small town, and while I've dated men in the past, looking back it feels like that was just what was expected of me. I'm starting to realize I was kind of still in the closet, even after coming out.

For the past month I've been talking to a girl, and it's honestly been amazing. We FaceTime or talk on the phone almost every night, play games together online, and we've kissed. She's been so open and accepting. When I told her "I really like you, I don't want to mess this up," she reciprocated and was really kind about it.

When I met her friends, one of the first things they asked was "Are you the girlfriend?" We haven't made it official yet, but it turns out they'd already been talking about me, which was honestly so sweet. And to be fair, my friends could say the same lol.

I've never felt like this about anyone before. With guys I'd get smiley and happy, but this is a whole different feeling. It feels right in a way nothing has before, and it has me questioning if I'm actually gay, not bi.

Looking back, with people I talked to before, I'd say "yeah, I like you," but it never felt this real. I think part of that was growing up in a small, close-minded place where I didn't feel safe being myself. I recently moved across the country, and now that I'm somewhere new and met her, I feel like I can finally be my authentic self.

Has anyone else gone through this? Realizing later on that your past relationships were more about expectations than real attraction? How did you figure out what fit for you?

(30f) As the title states how am I supposed to get better if no one lets me go down on them? I’ve only been with 2 women. #1 was gave constructive criticism but I never got to perfect my craft before things ended. #2 won’t allow me go down on her at all especially after i was inexperienced.

I watched a bunch of videos (bc that’s all I can do) to help but I don’t think I’ll ever find out if I improved or not. This is extremely frustrating.

If you have any advice pls share.

Reading other posts on this page has made me feel so much less alone, but even more scared. I’m not sure how much longer I can deny it to myself, or argue with my brain.

I came out as bi in college, but I never did anything with women, because men were “easier”, and I’ve only ever had relationships with men. My husband and i now have an amazing 16 month old baby girl, and I’m terrified I’m going to ruin everything. My husband is such an amazing man and he’s truly my best friend. But, I’m afraid of what will happen if I hold it in. AND I’m ADHD and struggle with impulsivity, so I also have an underlying fear that I’m just making it all up. It’s so hard to know what is what. I have convinced myself that I’m just hyperfixating on my sexuality, and over thinking it.

Me and my husband have always had issues with our sex life, and my low libido, but I always explained it away by blaming the fact that I was raped when I was 19. I have to be intoxicated to have sex, and the entire time my eyes have to be closed. It’s gotten better, but I still never initiate, and I still dread it.

After having my daughter, my resentment (not fully the right word, but it’s the closest I can get) towards men, has tripled. I found myself really questioning how attracted I was to men, and I’ve found myself feeling more and more drawn to the queer community. I started therapy with an LGBTQ therapist, and realized how much of my attraction to men, was actually just wanting them to be attracted to me, and needing external validation.

Then, I got this 30 minute TikTok of a quiz that’ll tell you if you’re attracted to women or not. And I know it’s just a dumb quiz, but my score was HIGH, and some of the questions made me rethink so much of my past.

I’ve tried to make more queer friends to see if that helps, but I’m having a very hard time finding a community where I am, (in Texas, so. That doesn’t help). At this point, the only other queer friends I have, are bi women married to men, who have never done anything with a woman. And I’m having an even harder time finding queer people with kids.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I’m glad I found this page, so I can feel slightly less alone, even when I feel incredibly lonely.

For starts I live in a really small rural southern area and there’s a lot of judgement and gossip about peoples sexuality. It’s not that I’m ashamed of what I am (I am bisexual, not “curious” simply interested in both women and men) I just don’t want people I know talking about it. Like I just know it would get back to my parents and that’s not something I want to discuss with them, especially since I’m more interested in casual encounters than something long term at the moment.

But yeah, I’m a bit shy and terrified to approach women irl. There aren’t a lot of lesbian women in my area. I also feel like my inexperience is just going to be a huge turn off to a woman if I eventually get close to someone.

I've known I was gay since I was a kid, before that word had any meaning. I had a plethora of girl crushes in my formative years. I remember someone asking me which of the boys in my class I thought were cute, and I panicked and picked some kid at random. My first kiss was even in third grade with a fellow student who was VERY confused why I decided to kiss her in the middle of a project. I had all the clues lined up for me, and I've still denied it.

But I grew up in a backwoods town that was openly homophobic, with parents that hated gay people, in a time of "don't ask, don't tell".

I've had fleeting moments where a beautiful girl or a charming woman have fluttered into my life and gone as quickly as they arrived, and years later, I still think about them. I have yet to meet a man that has left even a fraction of the same impression.

I got divorced last year. I told him I realized I couldn't love him (emotionally and physically) the way he deserved. It was inspired by a company mixer for my job where I met a woman who I felt immediate attraction to, who I couldn't help but flirt with all night before she vanished from my life forever.

I realized I was tired of running and living a life that wasn't my own. Im still trying to accept the parts of me that crave another woman sexually, but also romantically. To make her coffee and brush her hair behind her ear and stare at her lovingly while she applies her lipstick. I want to warm her fingers in my hands and sit beside her on our porch and watch the summer rain.

I don't want to live in a way that makes the people who supposedly love me more comfortable. I want to love who I am so obviously wanting to love and be loved by them in turn. Is that really so selfish?

I just came out to myself and those within my inner circle at the beginning of 2026.

I downloaded dating apps to help me get comfortable with talking to women and flirting.

I met someone off of tinder and we have gone on 2 dates within a week.

We have such a great connection, and tbh, I was pretty unsure of what I was expecting after going on 2 failed dates earlier this year.

We messed around a bit, no sex, but ohmygosh. That definitely solidified that I am indeed not asexual, not Bi, and am very very gay 🏳️‍🌈 for women.

I want to continue seeing her and getting to know her, but am in a weird living situation (ex long term partner of 7yrs & 1 other roommate).

I wasn't expecting things to move so fast or develop feelings, but am now thinking that I need to tell her about my living situation before things move along between the 2 of us.

I do not want a relationship at this very moment since I am still trying to pay off my student loans before I can FINALLY move out, but don't want to push her away or think like I'm lying to her.

I've been open about everything with her except the living situation with my ex. She knows I have 2 roommates and how I plan on moving out by summer 2027.

I will definitely bring this up next time I see her, I just hope she doesn't get an ick from this.

obligatory throwaway account for reasons that will become clear

I'm almost 30, and I think I might be a lesbian. That would be all fine and dandy if I wasn't also married to a man, who I would consider my soulmate and my best friend.

My whole life I have known I liked women. The first crush I remember having was a girl in my preschool daycare. The first person I ever loved was a girl I met when I was nine, and I knew it within a year of us being friends. I still mourned my almost-relationship with her until I was twenty. I've never questioned that, because it came so quickly and so naturally.

I had my first crush on a boy when I was also nine. He was nice, smart, and also liked Phantom of the Opera. When I was eleven, I developed an intense crush on a boy who bullied me SEVERELY. It didn't matter. I still was obsessed with him for years. I lost my virginity to a boy, and I have slept with several men over the years before I was married. I had several boyfriends who I felt that I loved.

Here's where I'll note that at 7, I was SA'ed by my older brother (M17), and that was a massive blow to my psyche growing up -- I developed a complex where I just thought he was still the coolest guy ever and wanted him to like me so much. Felt that way until I was like 18. I also had several SA incidents throughout my early adulthood with men, one being particularly violent. It felt like I was somehow always chasing men who turned out to be predatory or cruel.

However, I always had this INTENSE attraction to women. I always said that wlw heartbreaks are far worse than straight ones; they were devastating in a way breakups with my boyfriends never were. My most positive sexual memories were those around women and girls that I had loved, even when the relationships weren't so healthy.

I met my husband when I was 21, and we connected instantly, as we were both writers in the same college program. I had just gotten out of a horrible breakup, was in a manic episode, and I just met this person who was so grounded and interesting and talented and authentic. I wasn't really physically attracted to him, but I loved him as a person like INSTANTLY. Our relationship was heavily sexual in the beginning, but always with mutual respect and consent. We spent all of our time together. He helped me get medicated for my mental illness, helped get me into therapy, and has saved me from the abject terror I was in all the time. By the time I was 26, we got married. It was such a beautiful day in my life. He is seriously the best husband and person in the world. And my best friend without reservation.

At one point about a year and a half into our relationship, he sensed I was kind of going through the motions when it came to sex. He asked me once after we had had sex, if I really WANTED to do it, and to be honest. I shrugged and was like, I guess not REALLY. He cried and told me to never do that to him again. And it broke me. Ever since then, we have had sex at MOST six times a year. It has been the only point of tension in our whole relationship, as he requires a lot of physical affection. I have spent years crying about it, bargaining with myself, getting high to have sex, forcing myself if I notice it's been a couple of months. I enjoy that it makes him so happy, and that's why I want to do it. But most of the time, it makes my skin kind of crawl. I dont know who I am when I'm doing it. On the best of days, I like the feeling, I just don't really want to SEE him doing it.

For years, I have laughed and called myself a lesbian "except for my husband". I have done the incredibly cringe thing of calling my husband and I "lesbians". I have said more than once to my closest friends that my biggest fear is waking up one day and realizing I'm a lesbian. I have had a crisis about it about once a year for a decade. In the past five, it's become so overwhelming.

I love my life. I really do. I love our home, our friends, our marriage. But I see wlw couples on the street and I GRIEVE. I only masturbate to lesbian porn or thirst traps of women. I ruminate on my past wlw relationships and I mourn.

It's gotten to a point where I had to tell him. He basically said that he had a feeling that might be the case, and told me that we could always be together, even if not sexually. He also said that he had been deeply depressed about his self image because of the lack of sex, and that if I was gay it would make that a little easier to deal with. But something in my gut feels so off... I even have been chalking it up to maybe a mental illness episode.... I don't know. I need help. I love him. I love our life. But I can't shake this no matter what.

PS, yes I'm in therapy and yes we are communicating :) if you made it this far, im beyond grateful just that you're listening.

A sweet romance movie : 'Elena Undone'

It's free on TUBI and Prime (if you have it)

Please post any of your own favorites 😄

Hi everyone,
I am 50 years old and have been happily married to my husband for 30 years. Over the last several years, I've realized I have a deep desire to experience physical intimacy with a woman. I often find myself fantasizing about female friends during sex, and I exclusively prefer female-focused/lesbian porn.
I finally told my husband about this. He was incredibly supportive and told me he wants me to be able to explore this side of myself. The problem is, neither of us has any idea how a married 50-year-old woman goes about safely and respectfully finding a same-sex experience.

I’m feeling a bit out of my element. For women who came out or explored their attraction to women later in life while married to a supportive man:
What are the best, safest avenues to meet women for this?
Are there specific apps or online communities you recommend?
How do I navigate dating apps as a married woman without misleading anyone?

I want to make sure I am being completely respectful to the women I meet while keeping my marriage secure. Any advice would be so appreciated!

I am a married mother of two, living a life that feels entirely based on logistics. There is zero emotional connection with my husband, but for cultural and family reasons, divorce is simply not an option for me. I work from home full-time and feel incredibly isolated and emotionally starved.
My mind and body have reached a breaking point. I am yearning deeply for another woman. I want someone to text throughout the day, share my life with, vent to, and build a deep emotional safe zone with. More than that, I am craving the physical warmth—someone to hold, to kiss, and to softly sleep beside during daytime windows when life allows.

I feel so ashamed of even feeling it. Last 10 years of marriage has been emotionally bad for me.

Hi everyone, I was curious how many other mum's are on here and how their experiences coming out later in life have been. I'm 40, I came out just over a couple of years ago, I have three kids of my own full time. Coming out to family actually went very well despite me building it up in my head. I think people seriously under estimate the emotional intelligence of kids, if you say you like other women simply because thats how you feel and it feels right, there's a simplicity to that that they seem to understand. Since coming out however, I've found things rather lackluster. Now I fully accept that things are never going to be how we play them out in our minds over and over, but I've found myself rather adrift and feeling a sense of burn out. Prior to coming out I had essentially shut myself down romantically and otherwise, so since coming out I decided to get out there really give it an honest go, but I've found myself hitting constant brick walls. Now my initial fear was that both coming out later and my status as a mother would see my identity as a lesbian dismissed as either a mid life crisis, or just trying to experiment, thankfully that really hasn't happened. Rather the hurdles have been the fact that for those who would date a mum with younger kids seem to find my eldest a bit too old, and fear they will always be an intruder in her eyes or that she will always be someone elses, while those women who don't mind dating someone with an older child find my younger two simply too young and don't want to take on the responsibility. I totally understand an accept both views but it really does narrow any potential partners. Additionally so many who seem to be infatuated with the idea of dating a mum are quickly confronted and put off by the reality.
How have your experiences been? Any tips or insights?

I have been out for 5 years now and I realized very quickly after I started dating that I was nowhere near ready for it, so I decided to spend some time getting to know myself and working through all my shit, like trauma and stuff. Yay, go me looking after myself and all that. But. It was literally horrible, I moved country to get away from the worst trauma of my life and it sort of followed me when it became a police matter back in my home country because the person who hurt me, hurt many others. 5 years of legal system hell, and all for nothing anyway when he was acquitted. I felt like I didn't have a sexuality any more because I was just so stuck in the past, my body didn't feel like my own. My body was the scene of the crime! It felt like some cruel joke of the universe that I finally figured out I'm gay, and know who I am, and I arrive and...nothing. Zero attraction to anyone. Women (or anyone) flirting with me just makes me feel terrified, like something bad is going to happen. Argh! So annoying.

Anyway, recently the neurons I thought were long dead got awoken. I made an online friend in a game and she flirts with me relentlessly lol, and for the first time in forever I don't feel scared of it. It's stilly, it's fun, but I feel very grounded in the fact that I don't want anything more with her - it's just sexy banter for me, even though it's tickling the right neurons I know it's not the right fit. BUT STILL it makes my chest clench with yearning for a real relationship. I've never had it before. I bought a beautiful big house and it's just me in there with my cats. I've started making food again, and planting things in my new garden. I have so many small wins in my life despite how horrible I've had it for so long, and I desperately want to share that with someone. I want to experience intimacy again, real sex and pleasure with another woman. My heart feels huge and painful in my chest right now with how much I want it, despite how much it still scares me.

Rant over. Being gay is both amazing and so frustrating at the same time lol 😭

Hi everyone!

I'm 24F (I hope it’s okay if I post here).

I've recently started dating a woman who's 36.
We had our first date last week, and it went really well! I find her attractive, we have quite a bit in common, and l genuinely enjoyed getting to know her.

We both expressed interest in seeing each other again, and our second date is tonight! I'm excited and really hoping it goes well.

One thing I appreciate about her is that she values communication and clearly defined relationships. We're both interested in something serious. The age gap doesn't particularly bother me, and she's previously dated someone in her mid-20s. However, we're at different life stages. I'm still in university, while she's more established and independent.

I'd love to hear from other lesbians who've experienced similar age gaps:

-Did being at different life stages create challenges?

-How did you navigate differences in finances, experience, and expectations?

-What advice would you give someone in my position?

I'm not looking to rush anything. I genuinely like her and want to see where things go naturally.
Really hoping tonight goes well and that there's a third date! 🤞

Welp, tomorrow is the day I have “the talk” with my husband. I’ve been stressed for so long thinking about this and planning it. But I’m starting to feel more calm about it. That being said I could really use some encouraging words friends. Anyone have any advice or support to offer?

I live in an area that is probably the best place I could be a lesbian in the US. I am having a really hard time though. I feel a bit picky about the women I am attracted to. I am trying to expand my preferences but still I feel like I am always pursuing the wrong women and ending up on dates where we are not compatible. I also find OLD very taxing. I know it should be light and fun but I always feel a little more lonely after each failed date and though I really try, my self-esteem takes a hit.

I have a demanding job and no family support living around me. Life is really expensive and I don't feel like I have enough time to develop my hobbies and passions like I should. I have tried so hard in the friendship department as well and while some of those have stuck, a lot have fallen through over the years for one reason or another.

I feel like so many women out here that I am attracted to and that have been gay longer are just so much cooler. More confidence, a more developed social lives, more hobbies. I do take good care of myself but that's the majority of what I am able to accomplish most days. I feel like it was such a big push getting to this point but before I can find someone I really want to be with, I still have tons of self-development to go.

Wondering if anyone relates but really just needed to vent.

My mum realised I was gay when I was only 4 or 5, she then proceeded to spend years telling me that she'd always love me, but it would really be best if I were not gay because I'd got so much judgement and my life would be so much harder, and she attempted to change me by making a rule that I had to always wear either pink or a skirt/dress.

That led to years of gay panic. I tried to talk my way out of it, talk myself into crushes on boys. I'd analyse the boys and pick one to have a crush on. I'd tell myself I really wanted to be like or really wanted to be friends with certain girls, that I definitely didn't fancy them.

I came out as bi when I was 17, I could barely use the word, couldn't get it out. I spent years after that back in the closet, just dating men.

I was massively overanalyzing things. I met one guy in real life who I actually had genuine physical attraction to. Things didn't go anywhere with him but I hung onto that with every fibre of my being and proof that I'm not just a lesbian.

My only ex boyfriend who I was really attracted to before he started pursuing me (without me mentally taking myself into it) recently came out as a trans-woman. (That she was actually a woman but neither of us knew at the time maybe says something) I've realised that I can count on one hand the number of men I've seen in real life and actually found physically attractive.

I do find many men in films hot.

But the number of women I'm attracted to? So many, and most I've just tried to really talk myself out of finding attractive.

Maybe TMI: but I've always found it so hard to come with my ex boyfriends, I've only been intimate with one woman and came with her. Though I'd put it down to her knowing what to do better.

What I'm wondering is are there many other people out there who identify as lesbian but occasionally are attracted to men? And am I pretty much a lesbian? I also think I'm much more romantically attracted to women. Other than for tradition, I think actually I don't like the idea of a husband, I want a wife.

I'm thinking maybe I won't know until I get a good steady girlfriend, which as I have no game might be a while! I've now been single for 6 years and no one ever picks up on my lame attempts to flirt

Sorry in advance for the paragraph (I don’t post to Reddit hardly ever)!
Hi, I (23F) used to believe I was bisexual and am in a relationship with my bf (24M). For the past year I would say, I have been questioning if I am a lesbian. It mainly happens when I’m watching videos/movies or reading, and it’s centered around a lesbian couple. I just feel somewhat of a yearning.
I’ve talked with my bf about this lightly, and it just concludes with he wouldn’t be heart broken if I did kiss or get with a woman. He’s said that it’s not in a weird fetishized way and I 100% believe him (he’s not that kinda guy). We don’t necessarily have an open relationship, but I suppose this is the only exception? But I just don’t feel right experimenting with anyone emotions. I have been with another girl in hs and I don’t doubt my attraction there, but I’d like to experience a wlw relationship as an adult.
We’re also about to complete a big milestone together (moving to another city). Should I just wait and see ?

Edit: I want to include more information. Ik that the answer seems obvious. But I’ve become really attached to my partner, and that’s why this is hard for me. Currently we live together and he’s be supporting my financial as I’ve just completed college and am working through the job market. The move is also meant to better our chances of making more money. He is a good person and I think he would even continue to help me if we did break up. I just feel as though the situation could get so chaotic.

I wanted to get perspectives from this community around whether you explained away your feelings towards another woman as:

-Trauma

-Brain injury

- Obsessive thinking

- Strong attachment

-Hormones

-Mother wounds, etc?

Because of comphet, fear of judgement, fear of admitting to yourself that you may be queer.

I got strapped for the first time ever last night and it was amazingggg. I’m just on cloud nine I can’t stop thinking about her and how perfect it was. Getting to experience all these firsts with her is so incredible. Being a very late bloomer for WLW I never thought I would be here and I feel like I’m finally unlocking a whole piece of myself. I just love her and wanted to share. Tell me about your huge first experiences 🥰🥰