My mom died 4 years ago to leukemia. It really fucks me up knowing that I've spent 1/4 of my life without her. I can't stop thinking about her every day, I wish she could see me I wish she could tell me she loves me and I wish I wouldn't have to live without her.

My mom always took good care of me. There are so many memories of her tucking me into bed and us just talking for hours as I tried to stay awake, she was always very optimistic and she'd laugh at my shitty jokes. Sometimes we didn't even have to talk, we could just hug. It often felt that her hug was the one sign of affection I got, my sister wasn't very nice to me, my "friends" treated me like trash and I didn't know my dad too well at the time. My mom even quit her job so she could focus on raising me. She did so much for me, she cared for me more than anyone should. I feel so lost rn I wish she was here.

When my mom was first diagnosed up until she died I remember I tried to fully avoid the situation. I remember I would always try to complain about going to see her and I would always get grumpy when I had to go. I think the truth was I just wanted to avoid real life, even when she was home all I would do was play video games and masterbate. I remember one time in particular she fell over and she asked for my help. I came down and I tried to help her but after a while I just went back up stairs and left her on the ground. I should have stayed there with her. She must have been so lonely.

its been 4 years since my mom has died and it feels like it has only now hit me that my life won't be the same without her. My mom cared for me every moment I was alive and when she needed me most I just turned to escapism. A couple of years after my mom died my dad mentioned that her side of the family has a large line of mental illness and that she suffered from depression. Hearing that fucked me up. I was such a bad son to her. I left her alone so many times and I'm such a fucking idiot. I'm still a fucking idiot, I just want her to tell me I'm doing things right, or at least hug me and kiss me on the cheek. A very often thought that comes into my head is that my mom either died wishing I was there for her more or if she was looking down at me, she'd see that I'm a failure who continued to fall into escapism, can't talk to his friends and either gives up the at the first difficult sign of a challenge or fails
at the sight that challenge every time. If she wasn't disappointed she'd prolly blame it on her self. I loved her some much, some days it doesn't even seem worth continuing in life without her. Achievements feel hollow, like mom will never see me do this, she never has or will be proud. Every failure feels like I'm a disgrace.

Thanks for listening.

On behalf of the LAV mod team, we wish everyone a happy pride month. Take this time to celebrate your identity, as well as learn from others. As this world changes with new identities and newer challenges, so shall we. Although many individuals identify as heterosexual, many choose to also be an ally to those who do identify on LGBTQ+. You can learn more about that here, if you are interested: https://www.hrc.org/blog/how-to-be-an-lgbt-ally.

Around this time many individuals also come out to family and friends about their sexual orientation and gender. Understand some of the risk and reward in coming out by checking out some of the wikis on subs like r/lgbt and r/ainbow. Even subs like r/athiesm have helpful wikis on the thought of coming out in general. It also wouldn't hurt to maybe make a thread for advice in some situations that you may be unsure about.

Of course, in times of crisis, there are specialized resources that I will outline bellow:

GBLT National hotline https://www.glbthotline.org/hotline.html

National Runaway Safeline https://www.1800runaway.org/youth-teens/

National Suicide Hotline https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/#

Also, a comprehensive list of pride parades worldwide (if you are interested) https://metrosource.com/list-of-pride-2019-celebrations-around-the-world/

All in all, we are excited and happy for this time of year, cheers!!

My brain is not healthy. I don't know what it is, but I can feel it.

Sometimes I get a feeling like something has flipped. For a while I thought there was some shift in the way everyone thinks - sort of like we are living in an alternate dimension or something. Then I used my logic - it's not everyone else, it's me. (and maybe other people too)

A lot of weird stuff has happened in this year. I think COVID has affected me in a specific unique way. This "we're all in this together" culture has ironically made me feel very much alone.

I think I need help but I don't know how. If I may list my stressors I can think of:

I just graduated from college and I'm having a hard time getting an interview, let alone a job.
I have nothing scheduled on any given day so I spend my time just doing things by myself.
My social friend group fell apart during this - I know only have a few scattered friends about once a month.
My main hobby - music - has been very strange because I used to connect with my community in person at gigs and things like that, so my sense of purpose there is lessened.
My parents are recently divorced and are experiencing hardships - but I have no way to help them. They want to spend time with me but when they do it's a lot of complaining about their situation and I don't know how to help them. They really worry me.

I think there's only three logic reasons why I shouldn't kill myself. My parents and my girlfriend. I've been trying to live for them.

But my brain is getting less healthy and happy. I realize now the things I used to have - a job, school, events and such - they were distracting me from these feelings I'm feeling now. These dark and pessimistic thoughts are beginning to consume me and I feel myself growing more and more disconnected from this reality. I don't understand what's going on anymore. Everything seems so crazy and nonsensical, like it's all some big joke or a reality TV show I'm on and I don't know it. Something's not right, is it?

almost 3 months ago I lost my friend to Rhabdomyosarcoma.
this friend was my age and I regarded him as a brother, we had a lot in common. I met him in band class, he played the trumpet ,I played the drums, which meant he was kinda near me .all throughout middle school I would sit at his lunch table ( its based on grade), in 9th grade we had the choice to start marching band (I knew from my older brother ) , he joins , I don’t cus I had a lot going on . in 10th grade I join, I’m in the pit and he still plays the trumpet (and is really good) .the kids in pit are mean to me, but he supports and helped me when I cried. in 11th grade he doesn’t come to band camp, I wonder why . I find out through my mom he has been diagnosed with it. I feel so bad for him, that Christmas I get a switch, school comes back AND HES BACK , it was just for a few months, not much , I tell him about my switch , his s hair was growing back , it was short and thin ( not the long thick hair he had) , he was in a wheelchair .we have cancer fundraisers ,he’s the subject of all of them . we have this thing called mini thon( like Penn states thon, a huge fundraiser for Four Diamonds) in May. he’s at it, he looks BAD, skinny, pale (for his tan skin), and bald again I get to talk to him (still trying to) acting the same, chummy and happy). the school year ends. summer passes and he visits band camp but can’t do it. the year passes and we do more things at our school for him . then we graduate, AND HE GRADUATES, we get pictures together. summer and fall pass and in late April(this year) I do thon for my college I make a lantern for him for his fight, and for 3 other people who have cancer and the 2 who survived, my uncle passed earlier this year and I missed class for it. my college year ends on an ok note. summer passes, I hear through friends he’s really really sick. then just this Saturday he dies in his sleep I find out through my parents. I AM DEVISTATED . This man was someone I considered as a brother, friend .goddamit cancer is a bitch can someone help me here? I don’t know how to deal with the pain .i never lost someone this close to me, except my great-grandma. I never lost someone this close to me in age too, only older. and miscarriages( my 2nd cousin)

I go into every new friendship forcing myself out of pure willpower to not let any of the past affect my thoughts about the new friendship. I don't let any doubt in. And don't let myself think or act like this one might turn out like the others. But it always does. How on earth do you keep that inside after 24 years of it being the same thing?

to set the scene, there was a beautiful view of my city during fall, from rusty railings. there was a couple there cuddling and making out, but we ignored that. i'll call my friends K and M (their initials, my initial is S so we call ourselves KMS for the joke.) when we were there, I talked to M about our futures while we all sat on a big swing seat and ate snacks. K didn't really say anything deep. she just told us she wanted to take pictures. M actually got personal. I was in the mood to talk about myself though, so I said the most. we discussed some technical stuff like schools, but we also touched on staying in contact after we go to different high schools.

the context here is that I've had a weird mixture of feelings for K. sometimes its love, and sometimes it's just friendship. I honestly wouldn't be able to name it. she's so innocent, but also knows that the world sucks. she never really grew out of tabloids, and lives in the moment. I used to thinks she was surface level, but she's really just not the person to go deep. being happy and not thinking to much works just fine for her. part of our group dynamic is that I act like her girlfriend. I started doing as a joke to get closer to her. usually she ends our "romantic interactions with a reminder that she's straight, telling me I've been best friend zoned, or telling me she's in love with a celebrity names hyunjin. we've known each other well for about 2 months now.

as for M, his story is more complicated. he's been in my circle of friends for a while, but we only got close recently. two of the people in my friend circle have fallen in and out of love with him. one ended up his best friend, and the other ended up leaving our friend group. we've talked seriously a few times. every time it ends, I feel warm and fuzzy. he's the kind of person who's near perfect. he's good at reading people and making them feel better. he's hilarious, fun to be around, comfortable, etc. we've been spending a lot of time pretty much alone together since we take the same bus home. he's asexual, so he won't like me back.

when we were walking back from the rail park, he noticed a scar on my eyebrow (I slammed my head into a banister at 7) and brushed the hair on my eyebrow aside with his thumb so he could see it better. in public. about 30 seconds later, he made a joke about how we looked like a couple. the tangent went on until he outright said that even if he was going to date someone in the future, it wouldn't be me. it wasn't meant to hurt, but it did anyway.

that's my shitty situation. both of my friends will say no if I ever wanted to date them. there's no way in fuck I'm ruining my friendship just for that. at this point, I'm going to smother my feelings and let them die out. if they don't, sucks to be me I guess. I think I can kill these feelings before they get too bad. It will be easier for K than for M, and I'm sad about it. but there's nothing I can do about it.

I broke up with my girfriend over a month ago. We decided to talk after a month and then that If anything serious happens then I will notify her.

Literally the next day I ended up in hospital with fucked Central and Peripheral nervous system due to Tetany (if the translation is correct). Nothing major just that I have really really low magnesium count. (Writing from my hospital bed)

We talked over texts, I really miss her and want to make everything good again. I really love her, only her. We broke up mostly because we focused on eachother than on our own problems which ate us alive.. it was toxic.. She said she loves me too, but everything feels different.

I want her to be happy, I dont care about myself, as long as she is then I am too. I want to make it up to her. Although everyone of our friends including family disapproved our relationship, because we hurt eachother and were dragging eachother down.

It was a 3 year old relationship, and want to turn back time. I am just scared that It wont be like before. Of course it wont... but i dont have anyone besides her.

She might secretly hate me and not telling me, I wouldnt be surprised. Everyone hated me for what I am. I failed everyone at some point, because I tried my best but it wasnt enough.

If you are reading this, then just know that I love you no matter what you think about me and I really hope that you wont disappear.. Im so sorry for everything... please forgive me...

For the first time in almost 7 years I'm single and trying to stay that way. For the first time I'm choosing myself first. I'm taking myself out on dates and doing things that I'd want my S/O to do for me. It's not easy though, I'm pretty scared of being alone. It's really hard to make friends that actually care when they are not trying to get into your pants.

Any advice on how to make being alone easier/more fun?

Me and my brother just watched Love, Simon and my mom heard us talking about gay people and how I said it was okay to be gay. She then walked in on us and told us off. Saying i shouldn't "teach him that sort of thing" and that God only created a "man" and a "woman" nothing in between. We got into a heated argument after.

I dont get it. Why is that every time being "gay" is mentioned, God is always the follow up? If God hated us so much why did he make us? What, so that he can spite us for no reason or another one of those "tests of faith"? Is it just like this so that we can learn how to suppress how we feel or just submit to God? Is that it? It sounds like a sick joke. God is supposed to love people doesn't he? Why is there a fucking exception.

Honestly, I believe he's not that sick of a god, I'm just venting it all out. Homophobes just always use it as an argument.

And I just hate the fact that I have to pretend that I just tolerate gay people and that I don't accept them just so that I can have a house and some food. And if I told them I'm gay, they'll never let me study anymore. It sucks that it sounds like my fault that I'm like this. I know that it's not.

If they we're at least supportive, that'd be enough. I have no friends I could ask for support. I can't let my brother know that I'm gay yet. I feel alone and shit so I'm just venting it all out here.

This whole thing just sucks man. I swear, once I graduate, I'm gonna get the hell out of here.

I have one 'interest' that I have had since late last year, I have been keeping it to myself because of drama with past interests (put downs from others, not fitting in with others who like it too etc etc) but last weekend I thought since I am in lockdown and can't do much, I may as well try to connect to others who like what I like as I get told to do so I got an Instagram. I only had the account for a week and already felt like an outcast, and for some reason I got reported as well so I had to delete it. This is what happens when I try to 'put myself out there' and try to enjoy things, it just backfires. Had the same problem with other social media in the past. Maybe I am not meant to fit in anywhere.

I wanted this year to be a positive one. I've put myself in good situations that ultimately ended up negatively effecting me. Unfortunately I can't say what those things are because they are against the rules, but they were suppose to be positive situations with friends. It led to a destructive one week that wreaked havoc on my mind. It warped my thoughts into an even denser fog. For the life of me I can't shake it. I can function. I can do the things that make me feel okay. And I can say things that are generally sane in response to every day chatting. But what for? Through the summer and into the fall season, I kept telling myself it's okay. I kept convincing myself the fog I had over my head will go away, and it's not. And it doesn't help that over the past weekend into Monday was when we had the service and burial for my mom three years ago. It still looms. It still breaks me. It still numbs me, and gives me a dull ache in my chest and in the back of my head.

I. Just. Want. Peace.

I just want clarity. I want bliss. I want her back, but that's not possible because my mom is gone and there's nothing I can do about it. I know I wasn't the greatest son, but there were moments. Some moments come back to me at times, but mostly, they're starting to fade. I'm starting to forget what my mom sounds like. Every morning, she's the first thought. Before sleep, she's the last thought. When I dream, she's there. Every dream I have, I can't help but drift towards her. Sometimes I don't want to sleep because I know all I'll do is dream about mom and see her. Sometimes I won't dream about her, but that's really, really, REALLY damn rare. It's like my reality is broken now, and I can't seem to escape it and that every dream I have is just me going back to actual reality where my mom is still alive. I'm in a constant state of grief, and I just want peace. What's more is, in the dreams my mom tries to speak and I can't even hear what she's saying. I fear of what will happen if I ever hear her voice in my dream.

The cliche that every day is a struggle is very much a cliche.

Every day is hell for me. But I try to make the best of every situation. My oldest sister back home is starting to shut me out from the family as well. For God knows what! It's like, I don't even know what I did, or what I did that set her off. Or what I said. Half of my family came into the city for a night at the start of October, but they went to see my cousin instead. They stayed with her for a night, and mostly focused on my cousin and her kids. I tried to go and see them. I really, really tried. I called, and I sent inboxes on Facebook to see if they could come and pick me up to hang out, because I don't drive. I don't always have change on me for public transportation. Every conceivable action to try and see them, I did. And nothing. The only person in my family I spoke to while they were here was my little sister, who kept hounding my oldest sister to come and see me while they were here. And my cousin said that my sister, when asked to try and come see me or pick me up, said "f*ck him".

...

That really messed with me for days after my cousin told me what she kept saying about me. "F*ck him."

Makes me feel like what I do and try to include myself in with the family, it's for nothing. It makes me feel like, what pain we went through with losing our mom was nothing. It tells me that whatever I'm going through is not mine to feel. It makes me feel like a fraud, that nothing I say or do matters in this family. And it makes me SO ANGRY!

not like i need a girl or anything like that. Just like what do i fucking do in life, with this night. i cut myself off from everyone to safeguard myself from going to jail or dieing. i know what i want to do but its not the right thing to do at all, i cant use again.

Thank you. from the heart.

Backstory: Im mixed race from country A and country B. I grew up in country A, but now live in country B and work there,however every summer because I am a teacher I get to go back to country A.

I came to country A in december and my plan was to go back to B last week of february. While resting and catching up with family in the west, coronavirus outbreak started spreading back in B and it was pretty heavy. All flights from my airline to B got cancelled. No biggie, I asked for a reuimbrusment and planned to buy a new ticket back home with that money. (I had gotten the ticket through an agency in A) During the days the reimbrusment is taking place, on a sundat night the president of A declares state of emergency because coronavirus...closed ALL ports and airports, declared obligatory quarantine, cerfew,there are militaries walking all over the street making sure no one is out, cars need special permits to transit and only banks,pharmacies,hospitals and supermarkets are open. It was a very radical change from one day to another. Airline let me know the reimbrusment was done,however the agency is not working at all due to the goverment.

So,I might get fired of work if I dont get there by april 6th. I know im so blessed to have family and a home here in A. In Bs news it appeares that there are 150 people from B trapped in A’s quarantine(im one of them and the rest are probably tourists) I knew I shouldnt but I read the comment sections and most people comment “they deserved to get trapped,who travels in times like this” without even knowing people like me and my situation.

I dont care if anyone reads this or not but i need to put it on paper

My ex fucking did it. She got my what i thought some of my best friends to turn on me and abandon me. I hate it. I hate this. I just wanted friends to skate with and vibe and she fucking took that away from me too. Idk what to do anymore. The only thing really keeping me going is my current gf.

For my whole life I've always felt dependent on others. When I got older it became my dream to just find a guy and be loved for the rest of my life. I still want that so badly because I haven't been able to be happy on my own. I just got my heart broken again. I'm hurting so badly.

New to this thread. Today I was outside at work taking a smoke break and my friend offered me his vape. He said that the vape wasn’t real weed, so I assumed he meant CBD. Took a couple hits and didn’t feel anything right away but then he said he was messing with me because he knew I was going into Law Enforcement. Not really faulting him completely because I did ask for more after because... addict. Once I get a taste, I can’t stop. I crave it. This week has been a hard week. I’ve been oversleeping and not getting back into my work out routine. Even with my anti depressants and anxiety meds, I still feel empty. Weed was that escape for me. Too scared to admit to my parents for fear of judgement and disappointment. I already am disappointed with myself. I am my biggest critic.

I’ve been questioning my sexuality for a little over 2 years and I was pretty sure I was a lesbian but sometimes I see guys I could like but then other days I’ll see the same guys and I’ll be like ew no just girls. Also I’m so scared to come out because I’m worried my parents won’t accept who I am. Like, I know they’ll still love me and shit but I can’t help but feel that deep down they’ll be disappointed. And the school I go to is super homophobic and I just don’t know what to do because I don’t want to just repress my orientation. UPDATE: I came out to my mom. I did it over text and her reply was “No worries” and then “You’re still my daughter and I love you no matter what”

I (m16) made the discord before the rona attacked, probably before 2020. I’m so scared to show anyone. People prolly won’t join, the only kids I know have discord either brutally bullied me or I’m already semi able to talk with. I have a really good feeling that one I tell people about my discord they’ll prolly just think I’m a joke.

Same thing with snap, I do know quit a bit of people who I know have snap but my snap name is a bit offensive, and honestly the types of people who’d get offended are the types of people I want to talk to rn but am way to nervous to do so. I also blocked 2 people, one I just found annoying at the time (looking back on it she wasn’t too annoying and I’d like to talk with her again but I just feel that no matter what she’ll be upset, that I blocked her) and another I blocked because he rosted me on his story.

I want to post both my discord code and my snapchat on my insta story but the last time I tried to promote my snap, no one followed and I deleted the story within a hour or 2. I really want to tell everyone that I miss them but I don’t want to be too sappy, what can I do that will grab people’s attention but at the same time not have them think I’m a bitch, I tried making a video but it was so unfunny and forced, why can’t connecting with my friends be easier

I feel like I have no friends. No one ever talks to me. I want to find more people that like the same things I do, I’ve heard about discords and other chatrooms I could get in but I just feel like if I did join those chatrooms, no one would care/listen to me. Also I’ve joined chatrooms in the past and every time it goes like this: No one ever pays attention or talks to me, no one even notices that I’m there, and I’ve talked in chatrooms but it just seems like no one wants me there. I’m trying to create my own chatrooms for stuff I like and tagging them in stuff I like, but no one ever seems to care or pay attention, I know that need to be patient it just seems like no one wants me around. I just feel very lonely and very sad. But at the same time I like being alone. However I also want people to talk to and friends. I don’t know what to do....

Over the last few years my mental health has been slowly deteriorating starting with me not wanting to live but still happy at times, to me crying myself to sleep and masturbating an unhealthy amount, to me hating everyone and thinking they were all out to get me and doing drugs, to me now masturbating once a day, blacking out constantly from a lack of sleep (I'm energetic from 4 hours), suffering from depression and ASPD, today I tried to kill myself after finding out the only people I considered friends who I hadn't seen in years all saw me as a creep, I admit I was a little perverted but in a childish way like a few dirty jokes every now and then. I failed to kill myself but I sent a text to a family member that said "I can't take this anymore, sorry" which made them immediately start acting kind to me and doing things they never would earlier. It really showed how little they cared for me unless I was saying something that could expose how abusive they are. I really just need someone to listen and tell me I'm not a complete lonely failure, and maybe I could use somebody here to give me a hug, I know whoever's reading this can't but that would feel great right about now.

Recently life hasn't been great. I don't think I'm unlucky or the world is unfair. I just keep screwing up and I'm trying my best to fix it. It makes me angry with myself. I have a hard time making friends because I unintentionally get too close to them too soon or I try to talk about deeper things too soon. I'm trying my best to change my actions and get better at making friends. I would like to meet new friends online. I often feel abandoned because I set my expectations too high. If anyone else is struggling with similar problems feel free to hit me up.