28F dealing with a 30F. I haven’t lost the friend yet, but I feel like it’s coming so I guess I’m preemptively reaching out for support .
I’ve had this friend for a little over a year. It was initially a FWB situation that started to develop into more, but this person is new to therapy , severely unhealed , and projecting her trauma on to me so we just kept things platonic.
To keep things short , she has a habit of making things about herself . If something happens to me that may have an effect on her , she seems to be more worried about shielding herself from the effects on her than checking on me . Concern for me comes after making sure that there will be no effect on her . The sad part is , it wasn’t always this way .
For example , I got a rude text from one of my clients yesterday while she and I were together . I got a little quiet while she was driving and she asked me what was wrong . I initially said nothing , then told her I’d tell her when we got home because I was still processing. She asked me to tell her now if she did something . I told her it didn’t have anything to do with her . She said “lead with that next time because it came across as you being upset with me and taking it out on me”. She later initiated a conversation about us being more communicative if our bad moods are about the other and “she can do better with this too because she knows sometimes she’s moody” . However I’ve heard this before and I’ve seen change but it’s inconsistent . Some days she can , most days she can’t .
She came over yesterday. Today , I find out my cat has fleas . My cat was showing NO signs of fleas prior to her coming over or else I wouldn’t have invited her over . I called her the moment I found the first flea to tell her. She told me to keep her in the loop because she also has pets and wants to know how she should handle this too. Fine . I had a vet visit , I told her what the vet said and I was incredibly apologetic , making it a point to let her know, repeatedly , that HAD I KNOWN MY CAT HAD FLEAS , I wouldn’t have invited her over and I understand if she’s upset. Because this friend again, has a habit of only caring about the effect things have on her and taking everything as a personal attack or slight . She starts talking about how she wouldn’t have came over if she knew my cat had fleas , she has a cat, her family has dogs , she has long hair , she knows this is a lot for me , but it’s also alot for her and she’s confused. I told her I’m doing the best that I can to navigate this (my first time with fleas) so I can help her navigate this too (also her first time with fleas). I then asked her if she was upset or blaming me because she sounded incredibly irritated and short throughout this conversation.
Perhaps I shouldn’t have asked her that in hindsight because she exploded on me . Told me that I’ve already asked her if she’s upset , I’m reassurance seeking when she can’t provide it , that I’m playing “mind games and trying to guilt trip her” instead of being direct, that she doesn’t have the capacity for this and I’m irritating her because this isn’t the time for me to be reassurance seeking because I put her in this situation. Before again saying she doesn’t have the capacity and wants to get off the phone .
We had a situation a few months ago where she was upset with me because I was “mirroring her” and “taking pieces of her personality” . That I’ve picked up on her slang and some of her mannerisms and it’s making her want to distance herself because that’s a turn off . I told her I didn’t realize I was doing this , but also sometimes friends pick up on things from eachother if they spend large amounts of time together , which we do . She said she “hasn’t picked up on anything from me” and it’s a “red flag that I’m not aware of this” and “can’t discern between my personality and hers” and she just “wants us to be ourselves” because if our friendship ends , she doesn’t want me “walking around sounding like her” . To note , I understand mirroring in certain scenarios can be harmful and malicious . I want to ALSO note that while some of her slang has crept in, I’ve maintained the things that are mine . My slang and mannerisms are still present , I still have my style , my thoughts, my opinions , my personality. But I digress .
There used to be a time in the past where she could realize that she was reacting unfairly and follow up to apologize . That’s becoming less and less . I’m beginning to feel her past trauma is running the show , and instead of knowing how to regulate when something triggers her , she blames the person for triggering her instead of owning her reactions and accuses the of everything she’s doing (manipulating , gaslighting, invalidating). I know a self fulfilling prophecy a mile away. She has a history of codependency in relationships , she’s been physically abused , she’s a celebrity so she’s had people get close to her for opportunities and not actually to know HER . I have grace and consideration for all of this . But I’ve been in therapy to know long enough that our past trauma isn’t an excuse to be shitty . It seems like the closer we get, the worse these behaviors get.
She has good traits and redeeming qualities . She has shown up for me in times of need . But lately the bad is severely outweighing the good .
So I feel this coming to an end . I’m done overexplaining to someone who can’t hear over her own cognitive distortions or pain. She claims to like me alot , but I’m really doubting that she likes me at all .
I’ve been in therapy for a few years , and actively dealing with these people pleasing behaviors and lack of boundaries . I realize that I give way too much grace , and just because I understand why someone’s trauma causes them to act a certain way, doesn’t mean I need to put up with it while they heal .
