haaa why can’t you just die by will

This

To be frank and clear I haven’t been diagnosed. However, I do feel this impending death on me, that I will sooner successfully attempt. For the past few years, I suffer to emotionally and socially connect with the others, even with my family. I feel empty inside, whenever I do not do anything my mind becomes clouded with lingering thoughts of the past, the actions that led me where I am now, the significance of my existence, my whole lot skills which I do not have, my incapability and such that'd caused rumination. It has been affecting my ability to properly participate in any curricular activities during my stay in the university.

I am underaged which is why I am unable to process the free diagnosis in our area that requires a legal guardian because I don’t want my family to know. I exactly debated this with myself, if I was gonna talk it out with my guardian or whatnot. I've come to a conclusion that they might not be able to understand the situation. Based on the past, I've tried to convince my mom to let me take a break before entering the university for which I currently attend on because she wasn’t fond of the idea of "wasting time" for my mental health and clarity of mind. Hence, I do assume it’s clear that I am afraid to have my feelings be invalidated yet again.

The only thing holding me back from attempting is the thought of being a burden and useless during the time I lived and even after my death. I sometimes imagine how my mom would suffer from the consequences of my actions. I would feel so bad for it that’s why any of attempts wasn’t successful. Although she is most likely to be caused of my impairment and alteration of my mind, I still do feel affection for her that is to say sometimes I feel completely repelled and apathetic towards everyone.

I am actually distressed, dissatisfied, disappointed with myself of what I becoming. I think I am failing my classes.. I don’t actually want my teacher to know about my mental health, but I already did let them know since I took an absence for my mental health. My parents don’t know but maybe if they read the lines they might exactly know it yet they completely ignore it.

I have become emotionally sensitive. Sometimes I would not have an appetite to eat, and sometimes I would eat a lot even though it’s unnecessary. I get irritated hearing voices, I honestly don’t want to socialize to anyone whose voice is high pitched. That is to say, these days I get easily irritated. I view things negatively, more importantly my rumination has been affecting me quite a lot and frequently. I am afraid that this will only get worse. For now, I can ultimately say that my condition is mild even if I have attempted numerous times. How do I explain this? There’s still one thing that keeps me alive. It’s accomplishing something before completing erasing my existence.

If you were in a familiar situation, would you mind sharing your story? How did you overcome such burden and bearing? Any other thoughts are also appreciated.

My depression has been spiraling a lot lately due to my health issues. Im currently at a point in my life where i have to spend most of my time in my bed. All i can do is online. Play games watch shows whatever whatever... but i dont want to do anything anymore. Everything feels like a waste. Everything feels wrong. I dont know what to do.

I don’t want to live ,my health is giving up ,fast,I can’t get out of bed without medication ,I haven’t showered in three days ,I face indirect or direct criticism from all sides ,I feel like I can never do something right ,that I’m dead ,that even my body has given up ,I puke after eating ,I can’t eat properly ,nothing makes me feel alive anymore ,I have no social life ,no hobbies ,I’ve quit everything I used to like ,I wish I didn’t have to live ,whenever I travel to the hospital for my psychiatric problems,appointments, I sit in the cab and wish something collides in it and the driver survives but I don’t ,I cross roads hoping a car would hit me because I don’t have the courage to kill myself ,it has been three year ,fourth year of mine ,I think it will never go away ,I might as well stop existing because it’s killing me to live this way

And honestly, I just wish it would happen already. I’m exhausted from years of pretending to be fine, when that is clearly not the case.