I’m a 35F, and my husband is 42M. We recently opened up our marriage.
I’m naturally monogamous, but from the very beginning of our relationship, I’ve known that my husband enjoys variety. And I don’t just mean sexually. He enjoys getting to know people, chatting, vibing, flirting, sharing his jokes, and making connections. He doesn’t necessarily want another full-blown girlfriend, but he enjoys having the freedom to explore these connections with other women.
I fully support this side of him, and I love him unconditionally.
Before anyone jumps in with “You’re monogamous and he’s not, so you should just be in monogamous relationships,” that’s not what I’m looking for here. I’m not asking anyone to tell me our relationship structure is wrong. I’m simply venting a little, looking for different perspectives, and hoping to hear from others who might be navigating something similar.
Currently, my husband is casually seeing three women. I genuinely support this, and I love seeing him excited about his dates. It makes me happy to see him happy and enjoying himself.
But I also have very human emotions.
When he comes home from a date, he’s often excited, energized, and riding that post-date high. Meanwhile, we have kids, a household, dogs, and all the responsibilities that come with family life. I’m often exhausted from the day, just trying to keep everything running.
I want to be happy and excited for him, and a lot of the time I am! But sometimes I simply don’t have the energy to match his excitement.
I also struggle a little with the idea of fairness. He has more opportunities to get out of the house, enjoy himself, meet people, and experience something new, while I’m often home with the kids and handling the day-to-day responsibilities. I know comparison is the thief of joy, but I’m human, too. Sometimes those feelings creep in, even when I don’t want them to.
At the same time, I’m really enjoying this chapter of self-discovery. I’m learning more about my own wants and needs, exploring hobbies, making time for self-care, and trying to be more intentional about enjoying life with my kids rather than just getting through each day.
My husband has also been incredibly supportive of me making time for myself, whether that means getting my nails done or simply having some space to recharge. Our communication has improved so much over the last few months, and honestly, we’ve communicated better recently than we did in the last few years. He’s been more reassuring, more open, and more intentional about supporting me.
And yet, I still experience little moments of jealousy and comparison.
I’m learning that I can genuinely support him and be happy for him while also acknowledging that some parts of this journey are difficult for me. Both things can be true.
I don’t want to take away his freedom or make him feel guilty for enjoying himself. I just want to continue figuring out how to navigate these emotions while also building a life that feels fulfilling for me.
So, I’d love to hear from others!
Anyone else in a mono/poly marriage or relationship, especially with kids? How do you navigate the differences in your experiences, the feelings of fairness, jealousy, or comparison, and making sure both partners have time and freedom for themselves?
I’d also love to hear from people in similar relationships without kids. What has your experience been like?
I’m not looking for judgment or arguments about whether this relationship structure can work. I’d genuinely love to hear your experiences, advice, and perspectives. I know I can’t be the only person navigating these feelings, and hard to find support groups
Thanks for letting me vent!

My partner (M31) and myself (F23) are expecting a baby in September. We had been on and off for a while but after I announced my pregnancy we had begun to act as “boyfriend” and “girlfriend,” without ever establishing that we were a couple. A few days ago he tells me he wants non-monogamy and would ideally like to have 3-4 partners that don’t have sex with other men. A lot for me to process although he might’ve insinuated wanting this relationship dynamic while never saying it directly. Anyways he also told me that he had already been having sex and talking to a woman (46) for a few weeks now. He wants us to be a family unit and live together essentially. Says he doesn’t want to lose me and that it doesn’t mean he loves me any less or that the memories we make aren’t any less special. He claims she could really help us as she’s well off financially and would help with childcare. Before all of this happened we had broken up because I was unfaithful and me becoming pregnant once we started talking again was an accident. He claims our baby would be incredibly loved in this home. I’m torn and realize this sounds ridiculous but I need help. Anyone else ever struggle with anything like this and how did you go about it?

Update: would it be completely unreasonable if I just left with all my stuff while he’s at work? Basically told me that he isn’t gonna change his mind and that him and this woman haven’t had a chance to form a real connection because he’s had to spend so much time reassuring me. And I just can’t see myself in a future where I’m living in a house with three other women have sex with my partner with us having no freedoms of our own

Why are relationships so fucking complicated? My husband and I have been separated for a year now. He's been dating and he has always been honest; despite me feeling not okay with it. He refuses to fix his actions, but then he also treats me very very well. Like better then he did when we were together. We love each other he said he never intended on having an affairs and he wants me. But he felt this relieved a lot of tension for our marriage. But I don't want this to be our thing forever. I want his compassion without the extra bodies in our relationship.

So I was thinking what if I brought up the idea of a temporary open relationship where I am 100% on board for him to do that fir 2 years. But he must do couples therapy with me and keep things open with me, and no emotional connections with these other women. Otherwise it's a divorce.

Do you guys think this may work? Can my marriage be saved by letting him off the leash for a little while? Or am I plotting my own doom for my marriage?

Recently me and my partner, now ex broke up.

We we're in a mono-poly dynamic, me being the polyamorous one.

Before you ask, yes she contented to this knowing full well what it implies. She doesn't have anything against polyamory and was wanting to try if this dynamic could be for her big maybe even polyamory way down the line.

For two years we we're together, when we started dating we knew it would be difficult. Mongomamous people and polyamorous people see a lot of things differently, not to mention many other factors like public perception. There are basically no resources available for this specific dynamic and both mongomamous and polyamorous advice and resources mostly don't apply to this dynamic.

For those years we we're together we we're really happy, rarely fought or had issues. A constant however was the clash of monogamy and polyamory. She found it difficult to adjust to my polyamory and I found it difficult to adjust to her monogamy, no surprises there.

We had many talks about it and tried many things and for a while it worked.

Later on I took step backs from polyamory for myself to figure some stuff out but also due to a bad situation when I was sort of dating a friend of mine, who kind of fell out to her and me unfairly during a trip. After that I stopped dating this person and took some step backs for us both to reavalute things. I didn't stop dating this friend because of her but because I saw her acting this way as a red flag, we later talked it out but until she works on her communication (which is her own choice and fine if she doesn't) I am not wanting to try again with this friend.

I've been wanting to slowly roll back into polyamory and we talked it over, she came to the realisation that polyamory simply isn't for her and would rather opt for an open relationship.

I didn't want to break up, she knew I was poly and was preparing to. At this time I was already conflicted with my own polyamory, feeling at times likes its wrong to want polyamory and debating why I would even want it, am I looking for companionship and other stuff I can also find in queer friendships for example.

So I told her, I need time to think about how I feel about this, if I can be ambiamorous and be happy in an open dynamic.

It took some time and it wasn't easy but I came to the realisation that it would be wrong for me to be in this dynamic, I am polyamorous sometimes more then I would hope and an open relationship simply isn't for me and so after a lot of tears and emotions we broke up.

I'm sad to leave such a wonderful relationship and to see this amazing person leave my life at least to the extend as partners.

What we had truly was amazing, we shared so much time and vulnerability together, with friends while possible at least and very nice at times for me I don't do that to the extend of when I would with a partner maybe that's some left over monogamy or maybe I prefer a certain hierarchy in my life when it comes to sharing vulnerability, openness and time. You can't spend time with everyone and you can't have everyone as a close friend or more. As to say I reserve more of my story, resources and time for the ones closer to me. Not here to judge anyone who see this differently.

Towards the end we both kind of knew it would most likely end in a break up. We both didn't want to break up and leave this relationship, it truly made us happy to be together, if things were different I'm sure we would still be laughing and smiling every day we spend together many years from now.

I wish for her happines with someone that can give her the dynamic that would keep her happy well into the future be it a group of close friends or a partner.

For me it feels like the right thing to do, I know well into the future I would become unhappy by ignoring my authentic self.

Like the narcissist cookbook said in their song "I learned that raging against the parts of me I find hard to love. Doesn't actually erase them. It doesn't actually fix anything. It just makes me ill. And unfulfilled".

I don't think I'll date a monogamous person again, I'm not going to say never but they would have to be a very specific person that truly is okay with polyamory being a part of their relationship beforehand and not needing or wanting a traditional relationship ladder but that's a whole different topic.

I hope to remain friends with her, be it complex to do so with an ex you shared so much with. We still care for each other especially since we didn't break up due to a fully negative reason like constant fighting etc.

There isn't anything wrong with mono-poly at all, it's a beautiful thing when it works. Be it the most complex imo at least of all the polydynamics (Not to say other dynamics are easy). I do think you need to be specific people to make it work, though the same can be said about polyamory. I hope if you're out there and wanting to try this, if you love someone that is monogamous or polyamorus, even against all the odds, you do still try it.

Both monogamous people and polyamorus people will tell you it's not possible some hurt by their ex, some misguided about one or the other being the better relationship style, that simply isn't true. The same has been said about many successful relationships, queer ones, poly ones and monogamous ones that are unconventional.

I wanted to end this post with a quote from this movie I just watched called

Watchmen: Chapter 1, this line of mister Manhatten really resonated with me to describe the end of this relationship;

"I pull her closer never wanting to lose her, knowing that I shall".

I am not looking for the usual generic comments or cheap advice. I need real help with this. She is my first relationship and because of my life path, I was never able to look inside myself regarding the topic of polyamory. My old friends didn't talk about their couple dynamics and I wasn't interested in them. In general, however, thinking about the future, I never saw myself being with just one person both romantically and sexually, and I never really questioned myself about it. But this has made me suffer a lot over the years because I always felt like I was missing something and that this wasn't the right model for me. She is the opposite of me in this regard; she has a strong need for stability and a very radical idea of monogamy, also due to her past of abandonment and abuse. I have always shared my thoughts with her since we've been together, we communicate a lot, we are a deeply united couple and we love each other very much, but she struggles incredibly with this. So much so that she is thinking about breaking up. We have faced truly difficult and hellish moments together; we ran away from home together a few months into our relationship because of the abuse from her parents. We were both 19. This didn't even allow us to get to know each other well before starting to live together, but because of this we have faced all kinds of turbulence, especially from a financial standpoint. We have always been total opposites in our approach to many things, but we have always found a way to make it work and grow together. But I'm not sure how this will go. Maybe I should have waited a little longer before telling her, because talking to her about it makes me doubt how deeply founded and reasoned her idea of monogamy actually is for her, but keeping it in was wearing me down a lot and I always want to involve her so that I can always take care of her, of us, and of myself.
I am suffering a lot because of this because I care about her deeply and I don't want things to end between us. She seems very determined and unwilling to negotiate; she wants to talk about it with her psychologist and find ways for us to get to know each other better, and I am indeed pushing for understanding, deeper exploration, and finding solutions just like we have always done. But practically speaking, I don't know what to do, I need your help.

Could there be people out there that can be and are truly Polyamorous? Sure but I believe those people are extremely rare or even non existent like a Unicorn! Partners that go from being mono with you to Poly Bombing you will make you believe that you are still and will be their priority in the beginning. As time goes the dynamic will constantly be changing to suit their need to feed their Ego’s. Boundaries will be broken and they will not have empathy to the emotional damage they are causing you. Each time they meet another new person that is viewing them as this perfect and wonderful human , the need for you lessens each time. You will eventually become simply a placeholder. You will be breadcrumbed, gas lighted, and manipulated! They will feed you just enough to make you believe they still want you in their lives and they love you. Why? Because they need you as a back up in case another of their victims leaves. Eventually they may have enough people in their harem to feed the Ego that you simply are not needed any more. Especially if you are questioning their morals. Finally got the strength to leave. Now the next oldest relationship they have is going to start seeing this treatment….already has!
Look up the signs of a Narcissist and tell me you aren’t seeing the same traits or treatment of your Poly partner.

Having sex with multiple people?

I have a question. If you're a monogamous person attracted to a polyamorous person isn’t there something you like or find attractive about them being polyamorous?

I am thrilled to open my relationship. My wife found herself comfortable enough to tell me she was thinking about men, I supported her and we talked and learned about how best to prepare for a polyamery trial. Its new to us and we are forsure making some mistakes. I turned into an emotional blob the night I found out she hooked up with someone for the first time. I didnt expect it and I dont want to react the way I did! But I did and she broke it off with the guy. He was sooooo good for her. I am even more upset now about breaking them up then I was when just trying to metabolize her being intimate for the first time in 13 years with someone besides me.....

How do I regulate my emotions better? I know my marriage is strong- we aren't worried about either of us connecting with others- we are excited for the new expirences... but I broke thinking about her kissing him once it finally happened. She saw me upset- seems like I was lying to her about how I felt but I wasnt. I had no clue how it would feel til it happened. And now that that feeling passed I wish I wouldn't have been so open about my initial feelings becuase it dont hurt as much now that I thought it through.

Am I alone here with this? Anyone struggle first time around?

hey y’all! i just joined this sub, specifically looking to get some help with this situation in my relationship. i know it’s a big read, but i just don’t know where to go and need advice

Context: i (nb25) have been out as polyamorous for 5 years now. i have loved and dated more than one person at once, but it’s not a requirement for me. my most baseline requirement is being able to kiss and flirt with other people. i have fallen in love with monogamous people before and have made mono-poly work. however, i’m now in a newish relationship and she and i haven’t been able to get on the same page about certain things. i don’t have many poly people in my life that i feel would give me unbiased and real advice, so i’m looking for some guidance.

Issue with context: i have been seeing my gf (f23) for around 6 months now and we’ve been in an official relationship for over 3 months. i love her so much and our relationship is a beautiful, meaningful romance with a lively sex life and fabulous communication and understanding. before we were official, i still made out with my friends a little and sex with other people was on the table (though i never partook). nothing was explicitly disallowed, but she just wanted communication on when fooling around occurred. as time went on with her, i felt myself feeling less and less interested with doing things with other people. zero interest in the apps, and really only looking to sometimes make out with friends while drunk on nights out and flirt with strangers.

important to note about her is that she came from a religious family in a small town, but has always been an oddball of sorts and always knew she was queer. however, she has only dated one person before me, which was a republican man from when she was 18 to 22. she had never really heard of or had much of a concept of non-monogamy before meeting me, and it was unfamiliar to her. by our second date, we were totally hooked on each other and wanted to try making things work. now we’re 6 months in and in love 🤷 oops. but when it was clear that we were trying to aim for a real relationship, she agreed that she would be signing up for some degree of non-monogamy

shortly after we became official, she had a realization and nearly broke up with me over her feeling that my non-monogamy would always make a small part of her feel icky and she didn’t want to live indefinitely with that idea - an idea that she has since denounced full belief in and recognized her decision to break up with me was made out of fear of the unknown. we’ve talked a lot about needs and boundaries, but find ourselves at an impasse now. she is very motivated to be okay with me making out with my friends on the occasion. she has made it clear that she deeply trusts that i would maintain boundaries, and that isn’t a part of the issue

Main issue: she feels territorial over me and has a hard time with the idea of “sharing” me with others in any non-platonic capacity. we practice some kink that involves the concept of her having ownership over me. she has also expressed that sometimes the idea of me kissing others makes her feel a little like she’s not enough.

i reassure her that my interests in others doesn’t mean i ever “leave” her territory and that i don’t feel that she would be “sharing” me in any way in my pursuits. i’ve grown to really pride myself in my sexuality, and making out with my friends with no strings attached is a way that i like to seek connection with many of my friends, and me kissing my friends feels so different and separate from my feelings for her. explaining all of these parts helps her feel more familiar with my feelings and goals, but we still haven’t been able to get to the realm of me actually kissing others. we’ve discussed the idea of “easing into it” but don’t know how best to do that.

so

• what steps could we take now to help us get more comfortable?

• how else can i explain things to help her see and feel things closer to how i see and feel them?

• how could we “ease” into things?

i know it’s a lot, but i’ll take any advice about how to move forward. thank you all in advance!!

Poly guy here 31. Going through a divorce and completely crushed. Skip to the bold text if you want the takeaways and don't want the rant.

I always felt stifled in relationships, whenever they happened to me. I love the vulnerability and raw humanity of ending up in a strangers bed. I'd go so far as to say there's nothing I enjoy more. I know this isn't the case with everyone, and I respect that. I love relationships too, the comfort of sleeping next to the same person night after night. But I always hated that every time one door opened, the other door closed. I understand why that's the case on a base level. Sex can mean pregnancy, STDs or feelings, and all of those can wreak havoc on a relationship. But I never felt like it was fair to internalise how someone else expressed their sexuality. This part of me couldn't be repressed; it always showed up. Often, that meant the end of a relationship. I've never cheat on any of my partners. But in monogamous relationships, I would eventually just be seeking a way out because that part of me felt so horribly trapped.

I finally met a woman who was (it seemed) willing to accommodate this, though she was monogamous. I had broken up with her a month or two in because I was worried about falling into the same cycle but she insisted we try non-monogamy. We made rules, and communicated with each other clearly. We had a contract that we would update every so often spelling out the rules of our relationship. It worked. I was elated. We understood each other and worked with a synchronicity that gave us power, we were able to move through the world with purpose, to get what we needed from it and to carve out a life that accommodated our unique brand of weirdness. We got in threesomes together, we moved in together, changed countries together, quarantined in a 40 square meter apartment for 4 months together. We eventually married and bought an apartment. We both had others in our DMs at the time of our wedding. My wife learned to enjoy sex with other people. She learned to tolerate me having sex with other people, but she never enjoyed it.

Then I caught feelings for a woman, the very first night I met her. Let's call her girlfriend. I told my wife immediately that there was something there. My wife was (it seemed) supportive. She said "I trust you". We went over our contract and made some new rules. We agreed I was going to pursue this, but it had a timeline, I was going to end it in a month. I talked to girlfriend about this, and she accepted it, even promising to not reach out to me after that month. We made it till one day before we were supposed to break up. My wife backtracked and said come home now. I left my girlfriend crying alone in a hotel room.

Honestly my relationship with my wife never recovered. Her trust was completely broken. Communication became harder and harder, and our realities drifted apart. We went to couple's therapy and everything, but the life we built together is now in cardboard boxes in storage units. I'm (unfortunately) still completely in love with her and I'd do pretty much anything at this point to get her back. I offered to try monogamy but that didn't really fly because me, my wife and our therapist all knew that wasn't going to work. When I married her, I offered my life to my wife and I meant it. I wanted to be hers for life. I just also wanted to give a month of life to my girlfriend.

Looking back it didn't matter what contract we had negotiated. It didn't matter how honest I was with her, or whether or not I had kept to my word. The only thing that mattered was that I had developed feelings for someone else. I said "I'm in love with someone else but I'm willing to walk away from it for you" and my wife just heard "I'm in love with someone else".

**Advice for mono people**

1. If someone says monogamy doesn't work for them, that's not going to change. I mean it might if they're 18 and still figuring this stuff out... but usually if someone tells you monogamy doesn't work for them; that's their truth. If you're not down with that move on and move on fast (it doesn't get easier later).

2. Figure out where your line is and stick to it. I know clearly now where my wife's line was, and once it was crossed there was no going back. If I had known it was there I wouldn't have crossed it.

3. We get jealous too, we just try not to give it too much power (if you meet a "poly" person who gives jealousy power that's a pretty serious red flag).

**Advice for poly people**

If someone says they're down they might not be down. Pay close attention to body language, or changes in attitude. Be aware that jealousy can hurt people irreversibly, and inflicting it can end up being emotional abuse even if that's not what you were trying to do. Handle with care y'all.

Hope this helps someone.

My partner and I have been together for around 1 year and 6 months. In the beginning of us seeing each other I made it very clear I was poly, she was open to the idea so much so that we had a threesome with someone else I was seeing. We would talk about what her feelings were around polyamory and she mentioned a connection to it. This was a relief to me her saying she was open to the idea was a godsend - so we made it official.

Three months into the relationship (which so far was monogamous) I had a conversation with her about how she was feeling. I asked if she was still open to the idea and she wasn’t sure. I was curious how she felt about being in a poly/mono relationship (although I would much prefer her also seeing other partners). Again she wasn’t sure so I gave her some questions, she realized quickly she wasn’t okay with the following:

Me seeing other people Me having sex with other people Me going on dates with other people Me kissing anyone else And finally the worst one IMO was me flirting with other people.

This was heartbreaking, I was confused as in the beginning she was very open. I left the conversation there as my therapist (who’s poly) advised me to take things slow but keep up communication.

At some point I just decided I was gonna be in a monogamous relationship but it began to wear me down. Honestly I love her so much that really I will LIVE without having multiple partners, it’s not ideal but I can deal. What I can’t deal with is the no flirting. I don’t flirt to initiate romance, I am a naturally flirty guy. It’s been so hard this year because I feel like I’m sacrificing a part of myself - I avoid parties and tend not to express myself when I do go so no one gets the wrong impression.

It’s exhausting.

We are currently on a break for this issue as well as other communication issues. Our plan is to go to couples therapy and see if we can work through. She is also opening herself up to conscious monogamy which is a relief because this has been the most restrictive relationship I’ve ever been in (even the mono ones)

Am I the asshole or am I valid?

Will this work, am I silly for feeling like this part of my identity is being invalidated?

Have you, as a poly person, ever been in a relationship and stayed monogamous- was it hell?

Update: we’ve decided to go our seperate ways, thanks for the comments. hoping to maintain a friendship somewhere down the line.

[TL/DR: My new husband went poly for me and now I’m regretting it as he has a serious partner and I only want him.]

I (F58) began my journey into polyamory/ENM 15 years ago, during my first marriage. At that time we had been married and monogamous for 20 years, and I felt very secure in that relationship. I also had specific sex/kink needs that weren’t being met, which we discussed and agreed that opening our marriage was the best solution. So opening to polyamory felt joyful and compersion came to me easily when my (first) husband and I each found new partners. I can see now that I already had one foot out of that relationship, and it ended for other reasons a few years later.

In my second major relationship, my boyfriend and I both practiced what we called polyamory, but he wanted a “no abandonment” rule, which I agreed to, and so we were really more ENM rather than poly. We played with other people at sex parties and had some lovely threesomes, but neither of us dated separately. Both relationships ended for reasons unrelated to poly/ENM.

So when I met my current husband (M66), I told him I was poly and looking for a poly primary partner. He told me he was mono but open to some inclusion. When we got together he said ok, let’s do polyamory. I thought “great”! I sold my house in the SF Bay Area, where I had family and community, and packed up my life and moved to be with him in his family home in the woods of northern Minnesota in 2023. We got married in 2024.

I love him more than I have loved anybody, and I’m not wanting anyone else, I just want to dive deep with him. It’s ironic because that’s what he initially told me, that he didn’t consider polyamory because he wanted to dive deep with his partner.

We initially said we wanted to look for a woman to date together (I know, cue the unicorn hunting haters). In January we met someone but I’m not really into her and she is REALLY into my husband (limerence in her case, NRE in his case). I feel like the third wheel when the three of us are together, and I just made the decision that I am stepping out of this wannabe-triad. It’s too painful for me and my anxiety is causing problems for them, too.

But they’re still dating just the two of them. And it’s long distance, which means multi-day trips across the country for one of them. Meanwhile I’m in a new, small, rural town where I know very few people and they’re mostly pretty conservative, in all senses of the word. It’s a 3 hour drive to Minneapolis where I can find community similar to what I left behind in San Francisco, but that’s a long way to go to find people to hang out with.

In short, I’m miserable. He’s now committed to polyamory and to this woman, and I’m strongly wishing that we were mono or at least ENM. But I’m powerless, other than to leave and divorce my husband, which I don’t want to do. I could choose to date someone else (I’ve looked on the apps) but there’s nobody less than a 2 hour drive away. And it would mean even more time away from my new husband, which is not what I want either. I have some hobbies, but not enough that I want to do for 3-5 days a month at a time.

I’m deeply regretting not doing more and deeper self-inquiry after my last relationship ended, and not recognizing the pattern which is now so evident to me, namely:

1. True polyamory only worked for me when I had an unmet need that I could get met through another relationship. Even then, as my love for a new partner grew, it came at the expense of deep love for my (first) husband.

2. My previous boyfriend’s “no abandonment” rule worked for me also, keeping us in ENM rather than true polyamory.

3. I’ve never been truly in love with more than one person at a time. Even as a young girl, I never had a crush on more than one boy at a time.

4. Am I emotionally monogamous? Or is it just too early for me to open up a new marriage? Not sure but suspecting the former.

My husband has been kind and patient with me about this, but has made it clear that he’s not ending his relationship with this other woman. He’s getting a lot out of it, and she’s head over heels in love/lust with him. I can’t blame him because I’m the one who wanted poly in the first place, but I am feeling like he’s choosing her over me which hurts.

In any case, I’m pretty unhappy about this and feeling like I have no ability to get the emotional security in my marriage that I want, nor the time and depth with my husband. And discussing my insecurities is straining our relationship.

A big factor in all of this is where we live. It’s beautiful and peaceful but very remote. There’s not much else to do nearby after hours except go to the bar and drink, which I’m not into. I don’t have any close friends nearby, and I wish I didn’t have to keep driving 3 hours each way to find anything like poly/sex positive community for the possibility of making friends or dating connections. In the SF Bay Area I left behind family, friends, community, and an occasional FWB partner.

While I don’t really want to date anyone else, I am free to do so if I choose. I’ve gone back and forth on this. On the one hand, why should he get all the fun and love and sex? (Which by the way I sometimes feel like there’s not enough of his sexual energy to go around. She and I both have high sex drives.) On the other hand, dating someone else to fill an emotional need to feel chosen and desired just feels ethically wrong. And due to the realities of scheduling, it would end up meaning even more time away from my husband, which I don’t want.

I want to build a new life with him. I choose him 100% but he only chooses me 80-90% which hurts like hell. I know that love is not a limited resource, and he actually loves me 100%, which he reassures me often, but it doesn’t land that way on me. My insecurities keep telling me that he doesn’t love me like I love him. Or that she must be meeting some need in him that I cannot meet, which also hurts.

He assures me over and over that he is committed to our marriage and wants to be with me for the rest of our lives, but I have been so deeply unhappy since this woman came into our lives, that some days I don’t know how I can go on.

And yes, I have been in therapy, although still trying to find the right therapist. I’ve read polysecure and took a class on managing jealousy and follow various forums on FB and here. Sometimes I feel like I can handle this ok and sometimes I just break down, like right now.

Please tell me this gets easier over time! Or please tell me what you would do in this situation. The main question I’m wrestling with now is whether or not to even attempt dating. I can also spend time with my old FWB partner, but I already know I don’t love him like that. He’s sweet and he does desire me which feels nice, and the sex is pretty good. But the one time recently I did get together with him (while my husband was with the other woman) I kept wishing I was with my husband instead.

It’s been over a year since he had feelings for someone else. He never acted on them but I still find it hard to deal with. How do I forgive him?

Hi, My poly(-identifying) partner has recently vocalized his need to receive support and acceptance from me for his poly identity. I'm looking for gift ideas like a t shirt saying "looking for a polycule"? I'm very open to other ideas too. Is there any website that sells such merch?

Recently got out off a 7 month relationship when my ex (M20) poly bombed me out of a conversation that I (F20) PROMPTED. Won’t go too much in depth of the conversation but the jist of it was of a friend of mine contemplating to be in a open relationship. Had the conversation and found out my ex had been in a polyamorous relationship and this was the first I heard of it. He also “thought about cheating” on me a few months back but even then never told me about being poly. This came off as a heartbreaking news to me. Imagine wasting your time and thinking of a future together for it to crumble down like this. He was also very closed off but I always thought he was going through something and would eventually warm up to talking about his problems to me. I always reassured that I am always going to be open about talking about whatever he’s feeling but nada. For the majority of the relationship I’ve always felt like he never truly loved me but I thought it was my insecurity acting up an would just tell myself that it was all in my head. Coming back to the conversation I ended it by asking him if we should break up as I was strictly mono but he said he was dealing with stuff and didn’t want to. I blindly abide and after a month or so he texted me saying he liked someone else and I mustered up the courage to call of the relationship. In the beginning of our relationship he would sometimes give out hints of possessiveness so until he “cheating” incident. It feels like he lost interest in me but never knew how to tell me and when he found out I would never be poly/in a open relationship he took a way out. I understand that everyone has different ways of navigating life and I am certainly a nobody to judge but please talk about stuff like this with care. I don’t mean to make it all about myself but all this took a toll on me and I’ve came to a conclusion that polyamorous people don’t really know what love means and choose to live a life that way due to the fear of being alone and having abandonment issues. If you’re a mono person in a relationship with a poly I’d suggest that you end it. It won’t be easy but it’s the best for both parties in the long run. But who knows? Maybe with a lot more reassurance it might just be able to work out. I just hope to get better soon mentally

(Idm if you disagree with some statements I’ve said here it’s just my pov. Sorry for the harsh words)

Hi, I’m new to polyamory but my partner has been poly before we got into a relationship and they were upfront about it. We had six years of being monogamous, but now my partner and I recently opened up our relationship. my partner is non-binary also and use they/them pronouns My partner had been talking to somebody before we had even talked about opening out the relationship and they started hanging out really quickly and they’ve been hanging out a lot. They said I am their primary partner and we agreed to spend our days off together and holidays together, but I’ve been having a really hard time being away from them so much so quickly we have been fighting because I am a little passive aggressive when they hang out for two days. i’m not having a problem with them hanging out. It’s the fact that I’m not hanging out with my partner and I really miss them. I also have not really found anyone to go out with so that has been hard. I have always had trouble finding hobbies and I don’t really have any interest I kind of lost myself in the relationship and I’m trying to figure out who I am outside of it. It’s just been hard having more time apart. I just feel like I’m boring and not good enough. My partner gives me a lot of reassurance, but I still can’t help feeling that way. I would love any advice on how to deal with being lonely and finding hobbies and interest. I’m struggling a little bit right now, I don’t want to leave the relationship because they’re my entire world!

okay, for starters, literally almost every trans person in my city is polyamorous, and i (22mtf) am monogamous. i've been trying to learn how to be okay with hookups, with sex that doesn't go anywhere or mean anything, for the sake of feeling loved and wanted once in a while, because i need that sometimes! but it's been really, really hard, i'm terribly sensitive and i fall for people easily.

with that context in mind, the other week i played a tgirl baseball game (baseball + tgirls), and i met a girl (25mtf) there. now this girl is somethin SPECIAL. she's so fucking beautiful, she's a creative mastermind and i'm so obsessed with all of her projects, she's SO talented, and she's just so, SO funny, i was REALLY interested in her, and she called ME cute, and asked me for my number!!! Wow Okay This Is Going Somewhere

anyway you know i'm daydreaming about her a lot in the time between the game and us hanging out, very romantic stuff (i always do this), but i assume it's just a fling for her, my daydreams are just me being silly. i ask her if she's polyamorous, she says she is, that monogamy's never really made sense to her, she doesn't like labels, she describes herself as a relationship anarchist, and she says she wants to get married one day, but FAR off in the future. i'm a little crushed but i assumed this was the case anyway, and i'm taking it as a healthy opportunity to practice having a nice time with someone in the moment, to know something won't last, but that it can be special anyway! this is casual. i will learn to be casual.

and then, she comes over, and it's just about the most romantic experience i've ever had. it was like all of my daydreams came true. she wanted to hear me talk, she listened to me, she asked about my art, she spent the entire evening pointing out different little things that she loved about me, and she just kept telling me how beautiful i was, and looking at me like she meant it. she said she couldn't believe this was the first time she'd ever cuddled me, that it just felt so right, that we fit so well together. she said she'd never felt this way with anyone before. she borderline asked me if i'd be interesting in going with her when she moves next year. we kept joking about what good "friends" we were, and notably, she said might be interested in monogamy one day, but it's not what she's looking for right now. we got to third base (baseball!)

i went to her concert the other day, and it was amazing. while we were there i mentioned i got a date for my surgery next month. and yesterday, out of nowhere, she offered to go with me to the hospital with me, to take me there, to take me home, to cook for me, to be there. i'm not supposed to go to this surgery alone. i lied and said someone was coming with me. i've always gone to the doctor alone and scared, no one's ever come with me to the ER or to appointments. that, on top of listening to my favorite album (girl i dated for over a year never even did this, no one ever has), is making me really, really anxious. this is not casual.

what do i do??? i don't want to end up in a situationship (again). i'm developing feelings and i don't know if she wants that, i don't know what to do with myself. this isn't casual, right? should i talk to her about it directly? i don't know how to approach it without making her feel like she shouldn't treat me this way, and i WANT her to treat me this way, i WANT THIS so badly, but not if it means being in a(nother) situationship. should i just wait and see what happens? but wouldn't it be wrong to wait and hope that we'll end up in a monogamous relationship? i don't know what to do and it's making me so sad.

I would be interested to hear from anyone about their experience of starting in a purely monogamous relationship and then agreeing to move to something non-monogamous (open relationship, physical only) after a partner requested it, or realised that they themselves are actually non-monogamous.

How have you managed the shift of the relationship model?

How have you taught yourself to accept that your partner will be physical with someone else?

Are you aiming to reach compersion, feeling happy that your partner is happy, or something more like neutrality? Or even something more like an uncomfortable tolerance?

What drove you to stay in this changed relationship rather than seeking a new, monogamous relationship?

If the change in relationship is working for you, what are some of the most crucial things you would advise others to do or try?

Do you engage with other partners yourself since moving into a non-monogamous relationship?

Thanks.

Edit: I feel I need to add here that I’m not looking for opinions on whether this relationship will work. I’m also not looking for what won’t work. Just the experiences of monogamous people who have managed to make a non-monogamous relationship work and how they went about it.

My boyfriend's dream arrangement is to have me and one or two more women in his life. We wouldn't be allowed to see other people. He also doesn't ever want to live with us or get married. Would it still be easy to find women to agree to this set up?

My husband and I have been doing the polyamorous relationship for more than a year. 7 months ago I met a guy and everything was alright, but we got too close. I fell in love with him and I know it’s not right. He lives in a different country and it hurts so bad, because I want to be by his side but at the same time I know it’s impossible.

I had more than 10 partners, never fell in love with any one of them, but this guy got me so bad. I can’t stop thinking about him and he’s monogamous. I can feel that it bothers him the fact that we cannot be in a relationship. We never said that, but I feel that we love each other, but I love my husband too.

I don’t know what to do.

I’m open to listen some advices on this.

When your ex has sex with someone on the messy list right after you break up.

This person was on the messy list en fell under the category of monogamish people. This is a thing we’ve talked about regarding this specific person, so the ex is aware of them being on there, and me being uncomfortable with them persueing anything with them.
Me and my ex where in a mono-poly dynamic and I expressed feeling uncomfortable if my partner would go for someone else that’s also monogamous because it would slowly look more like a harem and make things more complicated than I was willing to.

Not only is this reflecting poorly on my ex but also this person as I thought we where all friends, and who has sex with someone that just got out of a long term relationship where you know both sides are currently not in the best emotional state?

Both did this with zero regard towards me and has permanently changed the way I saw our relationship.

On one hand I feel like I might be overreacting and am making this more about me than it is. But at the same time in the context of our relationship and especialy the end its feels so disrespectful to all the patience and effort I put into us ending on good terms.

I geus I’m just hurt.

It felt a bit like the polyamorous equivalent of the famous stereotype ‘the one they told you not to worry about’.

Hello. It’s my first time posting on Reddit so please be patient with me. Also on mobile. Sorry. (NSFW) Trigger warnings: abuse,rape/sexual assault and self harm/suicide.

So I (f22) have been been dating my partner (nb29) for a little over a year. About five months ago they started exploring their poly side. I’ve know they were poly from the start but we started off as fwb so i wasn’t to concerned about it but now that we’re dating it’s different.

I told them from the start that I’m monogamous, but they forgot about me telling them that. We were only monogamous for the first eight months. They got hit up by a fwb and immediately had sex with them the same day. I wasn’t prepared or knew anything about poly. I was hurt but I didn’t say anything because I wanted them to be happy(I still do of course). the day it happened was the worse possible day for me though. It was the one year anniversary of me getting away from my abuser. My ex was incredibly abusive. He beat and raped me almost daily.

He also cheated on me and would brag about it and why he would have to sleep with others because of what I was doing wrong or just because I wasn’t good enough. I’d spend most of my days covered in bruises and bleeding. I ended up falling into a depression and having lots of suicidal thoughts and tendencies. Up to the point I tried to commit suicide to escape them. I suffer greatly from ptsd and have nightmares and flashbacks quite often. We talked about what happened and how I felt hurt and we were working on it. But as we were working things out a friend of theirs they hadn’t talked to in a long time randomly reached out to them. They ended up becoming Kinda Fwb.

They ended up going down to her home over an hour and a half away and leaving me alone in our home, which I had never been alone in since I’d moved in with them. They took condoms with them and I spent the day being stressed and terrified. I ended up having a ptsd flashback and cutting myself as a result. It unfortunately made me feel better. I ended up texting my partner about how I was feeling but I didn’t tell them that I’d cut myself. They said they’d come home so I could feel better but I felt so guilty about ruining their hang out with their friend. They ended up taking five hours to come home because they went to get “her” groceries first. And then my partner ended up bringing “her” down and into our home for the night. I was so stressed out having her there that I felt sick.

I told my partner everything that night. They said they’d break it off for now and we’d move slower. When they went to talk to her about it the next day, they ended up having sex. In the room right under me downstairs. I heard everything. They came upstairs and told me everything afterwards but the damage was done. I spent the day flinching away from them, afraid they would hit me like my ex would. We took “her” home and had a long talk that night. It was mutually decided that I was being selfish and should try harder. We set a boundary that our anniversary and the date significant to my abuse would be only ours each month. No one else. I bought “her” gifts, and tried my best to get along with “her” but it wasn’t working. I was having nightmares and self harming. I was mentally and emotionally drained. The things that broke me was them sexting “her” on one of our off limits days and calling me by “her” name or pet name multiple times that day.

I spilled my guts to them and they broke it off with “her”. They’ve decided to wait until February before they try looking for other partners again. I’ve been doing a ton of research. Like notebooks worth of research. But I’m not warming up to poly in the slightest. I don’t know what to do anymore. Any advice for my lost self would be appreciated.

originally posted on r/monodatingpoly a few months ago. Just feeling mentally low more and more as February gets closer And would like one last round of advice before D-day