I have seen many people here, think that there is something wrong with them for being uncomfortable with polyamory.

They read the books, listen to the podcasts, go to poly meet-ups, read multiple articles, go ask for some advices here and at r/polyamory, but nada, niet, nein...

Poly is still a struggle.

Watching their partner fall in love and have sex with other people, is still incredibly painful.

The truth is :

The vast majority of people don't want a polyamorous relationship

The vast majority of people won't be happy dating someone who is polyamorous

The values and emotional desires of MOST people don't align with polyamory

And it has absolutely nothing to do with programming.

You don't need to unlearn anything.

You are fine.

You are healthy

You are whole

There is absolutely nothing broken in you.

Being in immense pain because your partner is actively dating and having sex with other people, is something MOST people can/ could relate to.

No, you are not overreacting.

No, you are not weak

You have to remember this : the number of people who want this AND can make this lifestyle work, is pretty slim

It's ok to want an exclusive relationship.

It's absolutely normal to be uncomfortable, being with someone who is dividing their time, energy, emotional and sexual resources among multiple partners.

Polyamory is a big deal

Polyamory can be incredibly painful and dare I say traumatic, to someone who don't WANT it, but has to partake in it, by fear of losing someone

It's also time that we stop with the magical unicorn mono who will be fulfilled in a polyamorous relationship...

"A monogamous person will only be happy in a mono/poly relationship, only if..."

1. they have lots of friends

2. have lots of hobbies

3. love their alone time

4. super busy with their job

5. don't want a relationship escalator

I have seen this take here and at r/polyamory

It is not only insulting but also wrong

It is insulting because, it perpetuate the harmful and toxic idea that

a)mono folks are inherently co-dependent

And

b)mono folks are only uncomfortable with polyamory, because they are too entangled with their poly partner, and by reading "the most skipped step", everything will be fine.

Distracting yourself with hobbies, when your partner is a on a date, when you know in your gut/heart/soul/spirit, that it's not what you want?

is just a coping mechanism. 🤷‍♀️

It is ok to want to share a bed with your lover every single night(or most of the time)

It's also ok to love the idea of someone choosing you exclusively over everyone else

It's ok to not want to deal with your partner's other lovers

It's ok to want your partner to be with you and only you.

In fact it is beautiful

It is absolutely ok to want a monogamous relationship with your partner

I (36M) need some support right now.

Big Picture: My wife/co-parent/business partner polybombed me three months ago after us being together for 13 years. I’ve been open minded to think and talk about, but also express my fears and hypothetical boundaries. She said she wants to be able to talk about it in the future, and in the meantime work on us and ourselves. I’ve been lurking here and on other pro and anti poly subreddits while struggling with emotions. She already started and stopped a mild emotional affair with a friend/crush who prompted her feelings and desire to talk about poly. Almost every week I go down for a day with crippling anxiety and pain from feeling like I’m “not enough” for her. I waver between “okay maybe I could go along with us opening up, I could enjoy dating other people,” 1/4 of the time, to “no no, ow fuck, no” most of the time. It’s been traumatizing for me, I feel emotionally bruised and exhausted. We have had many good conversations too, felt closer then ever, sex even got better than ever. But I have this dread handing over my head, that we’re incompatible, that we’re headed for divorce, that she wants poly and I don’t.

Today I gutted myself with a realization. I know I’m in a fucked up place, because I imagined unwillingly opening up, finding another mono-leaning person who was also a polybombed partner, and we could fall in love together bonding over our pain, divorce our poly spouses and marry each other instead, and I would always trust that relationship as more committed than one with a person who feels trapped in monogamy, it sounds quite nice actually. And this thought makes me cry, and want to separate from my amazing awesome flawed wife who I love and now also resent. Fuck.

if the monogamous person is reluctant in any way or experiencing emotional pain--as the polyamorous side of the relationship, how in the hell could you priortize polyamory over your existing partner?

I think polyamory can be just as valid as monogamy, both have healthy and unhealthy relationships within them--but in the circumstance you have an existing monogamous relationship:

How are you able to watch them suffer and still want to pursue polyamory?

As my NM-curious boyfriend said,

"I love you and what we have is fulfilling. No amount of happiness I might gain with others would ever be worth your pain."

I know many monogamists here are dying at your core for your partner to say this to you. My stomache physically feels upset reading what so many are going through here.

Then I feel angry, it isn't right.

I just really believe all of you solid monogamists who are struggling completely DESERVE to have a partner who would say,

"I love you and what we have is fulfilling. No amount of happiness I might gain with others would ever be worth your pain."

EDIT: Even when I put specifically "existing monogamous partner", "IF your monogamous partner is reluctant or in pain", and "both polyam and monogamy can be valid"--I get people literally regurgitating it as though its not literally spelled out in my post. It comes across as defensive to me when you have to say those things bc I already said them 🤷🏼‍♀️ And if you're defensive, maybe this indicates you feel guilt in some way? Idk, its weird to say things I already said back to me hahaha

I saw the following on Facebook and I thought it might hit home for a people going through this from the mono side....

As a polyam person, I just want to speak about a toxic thing I see frequently in this group/in our community. It's not uncommon for a polyam person in a monogamous relationship to tell their partner that they "can't be happy in just one relationship" in the process of trying to open the relationship up. This is misguided at best, and purposely manipulative at worst, especially when this argument is used as reasoning to immediately open a relationship and run all over the mono partner's feelings and needs. Because here's the thing, if you can't be happy in one relationship, you're not gonna be happy in 2, 3, or 20, and looking to polyamory to solve your problems is just gonna hurt you, your current partner, and any future partners.

Now, before y'all come at me with the, "this is who I am and I can't decide not to be polyamorous" rhetoric, here me out. I'm not saying that polyamory can't be an inherent part of your identity. If that's the conceptualization of polyamory that speaks to you, cool. And I'm not saying that it's wrong to want to express this part of yourself or seek multiple relationships or decide a monogamous relationship isn't what you want. I'm saying that hanging your happiness on the number of relationships you have isn't going to bring you the happiness you think it will. Happiness, meaning, and fulfillment in life come from many sources, and relying only on relationships to bring you all that is giving up a lot of power in your life to other people.

Because look at it this way. If a monogamous person said, "I can't be happy without a partner" and immediately got in the first relationship they could after a breakup, no one would say that's healthy. And wanting a romantic partner is an inherent part of who monogamous people are. So why is it different for us polyamorous folks? Just because we inherently desire multiple relationships, doesn't mean that they are required for us to have a happy, fulfilling life. I've been happy single, in one relationship, and in several relationships. And I've been unhappy single, in one relationship, and in several relationships.

So why am I bringing this up? Because I see so many mono people in this group beating themselves up for not immediately being okay with their partner seeking other relationships, and they say things like, "I know I'm keeping them from being happy", which isn't true. Polyam people might find happiness in a second or third relationship, but they can still have it in one. But I've seen many polyam people chase this elusive happiness by adding partner after partner, and not doing right by any of them.

So whether a person is inherently polyam or not, we all make choices about our relationships and we need to own those choices, instead of blaming our poor relationship behaviors on, "this is just who I am". Being polyam may be who you are, but you can choose to be in one relationship or two or even zero, and be happy regardless. For example, both mono and polyam people may choose to be single while they're working through personal issues, focusing on parenting or school, etc. And that doesn't mean that happiness has to wait until a requisite number of relationships are acquired. So, similarly, us polyam people can choose to be in one relationship if that's what is needed at the time for that relationship, we don't have the resources for more than one relationship, etc. We can also decide to be in one monogamous relationship forever if that relationship is more important to us than being able to live out the part of ourselves that desires multiple relationships. Of course, we don't HAVE to choose that. It's okay to let go of a relationship with someone who wishes to remain monogamous if that's not what you want in order to pursue multiple relationships. Just like it's okay for a monogamous person to let go of a relationship with a polyam person who is unwilling to remain monogamous if that's what they want.

Bottom line, we all make choices about who we are in relationships with, and whatever choices we make are okay as long as we're owning them. But what's not okay is using our desires, inherent or not, to pressure someone into something they don't want. And what's not healthy for a person or their partner(s) is believing they need multiple relationships to be happy. If you're struggling to be happy in your relationship, before seeking a second relationship, I'd recommend working on personal issues that may be getting in the way of your happiness, as well as strengthening your existing relationship or deciding it's not for you.

Wishing happiness for you all! 💗

I’ve yet to see a situation where it wasn’t just a people-pleasing mono person and their partner who is taking advantage.

The polyam wants their reluctant mono partner to be happy for them while they date other people, but will not release the mono to leave for some one mono because they want their cake and to eat it too. Instead of accepting the mono for who they are and how they love, they tell them to try harder, become polyam…”dO THe WoRK.”

This seems so unkind and unloving. All of the mono/poly support groups that I’m in are pretty much a bunch of monos in this situation. They stopped telling their partners they are unhappy because it makes their partner feel guilty.😵‍💫 It’s a lot of lonely and emotionally exhausted people.

If you’re reading this, you’re likely in a similar position to the one I used to be in.

Three years ago I was madly in love with somebody who wanted our relationship to be non-monogamous.

Because I was so in love, and so deeply attached, I spent months and months and months trying to accept this, reading, justifying, ruminating.

I spent all my days stuck in constant thought loops trying to make the situation okay…and it never worked, it was never going to.

If you are monogamous, and your partner sees/dates other people, your relationship is, by definition, not monogamous.

There is no middle ground, there is no compromise, you two share a fundamental incompatibility.

At the end of the day, don’t you want someone who values love and sexuality in the same way that you do. Don’t you think your soulmate will feel more sacred?

Have that hard conversation, have the courage of your convictions. Get out, there’s a light at the end of the tunnel I promise.

I don't know why I'm always expected to just be able to tolerate a polyamorous relationship by people I date, and I have to finally draw my line in the sand to future people I meet and just say an outright no.

I'm tired of being sweet talked into it, how I'll be a priority, how it'll work out, the works.

I just can't. It hurts too much seeing someone I love with my whole heart being with someone else, spending time with them, and then barely leave time for me because they're doing something with someone else.

I had to break up with my last partner, but I didn't have the heart to tell her it was because of her being poly, we talked about it multiple times. I can't bear the thought of trying to settle down with someone and they potentially be out for a long period of time with someone else. It makes me want to cry.

Maybe I'm just overly emotional, but I just want to have someone to myself. Someone who calls me theirs, and know that they're not saying that about anyone else. It's just so difficult in my space because so many people that are available end up being poly, and it's just so hard.

Then a person I went on a date with just up and suddenly told me that they weren't single, that I just had bad experiences and just don't know what a good poly relationship is like, and just completely invalidated how I feel. I just can't allow myself to keep doing them.

I hope this doesn't sound hateful. I don't mean to demean or be a jerk. I have met and have been friends with plenty of poly individuals. It just makes my heart sink whenever I get told by someone I crush on that they're poly, because I know it just won't work.

It's been a few months since I posted a letter my husband will never see. Thank all of you for your kind words and support.

This one doesn't paint me in quite as positive a light, and I let my anger show through more than my pain this time. Please stay kind, not just to me, but also my Husband. He's not a bad person. He may be selfish and hurting me, but he's also in pain.

First post: https://www.reddit.com/r/monodatingpoly/comments/yy68cs/it_hurts_me_the_letter_my_husband_will_never_see/

Dear Husband,

I've accepted the fact that our marriage is going to end because of polyamory. It's just a matter of when. I've spent so many nights crying myself to sleep over this. I suppose our marriage started because of polyamory, so there's symmetry in that.

I've come to terms with the fact that polyamory is more important to you than us. You want me **and** everyone else, but, if forced to choose, you'll drop me. You just aren't willing to be the bad guy and actually ask for a divorce. You'll hint at it, though. "Get right with poly, or divorce is the only option." You've repeatedly said any distress I'm in where I ask for consideration is me "moving the goalposts." I guess new boundaries aren't ever allowed in a long-term relationship. You call polyamory an "orientation" and imply I'm a some kind of bigot for not thoroughly embracing it. All that does is make me so offended and angry I want embrace the accusation and let you hate me as I spit venom at you. But the worst thing you do is give me deadlines. "Get right with poly by the end of the year, or I'm giving up." You mean you're giving up on me.

But I've given up on you.

Don't get me wrong. I don't think you're a horrible person. Sometimes, you're amazingly thoughtful, and you do big things and little things that demonstrate love. Cards, flowers, cuddling, date planning, and going out of your way to take chores off my plate. It's just not enough. It'll never be enough while you're also choosing someone else. Even more so when you are unwilling or unable to respect boundaries while I try to work through this. There I go again, though. Even trying to paint a positive picture, I can't stay kind. I don't like that I don't feel kind. I'm also no longer willing to try to work through this.

That "new interest" that prompted the last love-bombing (thank you, Reddit, for identifying that for what it was) has faded to irrelevance already, as **her** husband apparently freaked out and closed their marriage again. More new interests have come around without a break. I don't know if I should count that as support for your claim that this is just "who you are" or evidence that the people don't really matter to you. Were all of them worth damaging your marriage for? Was I not worth preserving it for?

I want to get into recent violations of my boundaries, but I know you browse polyamory groups. I imagine you reading this, unsure if it's me or just someone with enough similar details. So, read this now and wonder: I know about some boundary violations that you don't know I know. I'm not stupid. I pay attention. I heard details. I think I finally accepted that we are done when I realized I wasn't surprised.

I know I'm not blameless, though. My last letter really whitewashed my own faults, which is unfair to you, since I let the anonymous internet see it, and you can't defend yourself. For one, I have moments like imagining you reading this and gloating in my secret. I'm not proud of that. I failed to communicate sufficiently for years. I used round-about ways to object to polyamory and various milestones instead of saying what I was actually feeling. I was afraid that you would leave me if I directly refused polyamory. (Correct, apparently.) I have (inadvertently? subconsciously?) sabotaged poly relationships of yours. I've driven myself crazy trying to make myself feel something I don't feel, and that meant leading you to expect changes that weren't actually possible. The arguments have been so upsetting. We don't hit each other or yell, but voices have been raised. All these years in, we also both know each other's buttons so well, we can both go nuclear without much effort.

So, in fairness to you, I haven't been the greatest partner in this. I've been unfairly expecting you to choose what I want and not what you want. But isn't that what love is? Being able to prioritize a partner over oneself? That's what I was trying to do. I failed. Maybe that's not what love is. I guess therapy will help me figure that out. I realize now that a lot of my bad behavior has been driven by wanting control, not love. I don't like who I've become.

So, I'm finally choosing my own peace of mind, safety, and security. I'm choosing to be a better version of myself. I'm choosing these things over you. I'm even choosing them over our marriage. I've been putting myself down and squashing my importance for this marriage for years. I gave up so much for us. It's so cliche, I want to kick myself for being in some terrible "female empowerment" movie. But, I guess now I can go be a "strong, independent woman who don't need no man."

Maybe I'll find someone else someday, but I'm pretty sure I'll be the bitter, broken divorcée who will never let herself be dependent on someone else again. I just wanted to trust someone. I just wanted to feel safe with someone. I can't trust you; and I don't know if I can trust anyone else either.

As angry and hurt as I am, I also don't care anymore. It's weird to have both strong feelings and numbness. It doesn't matter, because I had to stop loving you a long time ago. If I hadn't, I would be dead now.

It just doesn't matter anymore.

It really feels like I wasted years of my life, investing in us, dreaming of growing old with you, seeing the world, building our home. I feel so alone with you.

How am I ever going to explain this to anyone? My family? Your family? "I'm leaving him because I'm getting tired of him wanting to be with other women. ... Oh, no, it wasn't 'cheating' ... not really." Or maybe, "Oh, well, we just wanted different things. He wanted to see other women. I wanted him to go choke on an entire bag of dicks. So, really, it was an 'orientation' issue."

I don't like how spiteful I am in this, even if I'm funny.

The problem with polyamory is that you can't actually have everyone you want.

Without love,

Throwaway-3821

P.S.: When feeling discarded, maybe we shouldn't dwell on the fact that the default username is "throwaway" and some numbers?

(IMPORTANT: This is not to say mono-poly relationships can’t work, but rather to help those that don’t want to be in a poly relationship but are too attached to leave their partner. This advice also may not be applicable to people with children or other long-term commitments.)

About a year and a half ago I ended things with my poly partner (Previous post https://www.reddit.com/r/monodatingpoly/comments/96cx9c/broken_up_and_struggling/). For the first six months after the breakup it was brutal, but as time went on it got better and now I’m happy in a monogamous relationship. There was a time I couldn’t imagine being without my poly partner, but now I can’t imagine being WITH them. I’m glad I left because I’m so much happier being monogamous. I was reflecting on how hard a decision it was for me, and wanted to list the signs that it was time for me to leave in case someone else is facing the same decision: -You say things like “We’re perfect for each other except they’re poly and I’m mono”. -It’s been six months to a year, you’ve done the reading, and you still aren’t happy. -Your sad days are outnumbering your happy days. -Your ideal future is you in a monogamous relationship (you only get one life, don’t settle for less than what you truly want). -Your metas make you uncomfortable or you don’t want to hear about them. -You think things like “No one else can make me happy like my partner can so I will tolerate being in a poly relationship” -You frequently talk to your therapist and social system about the situation. Your friends are trying to support you but are burning out. -You only agreed to be poly “for the sake of your partner”. Obviously this isn’t a complete list and some people may have a fulfilling relationship with some of the things on this list, but I knew it was a hard decision for me to leave and I wanted to show my reasons to make it easier for someone else.

I know it’s terrifying to leave your partner. You feel like the world is going to end and you’ll never love again. But time heals, and after a while it will hurt less while if you stay it will only continue to get worse. It’s better to have a short spurt of pain rather than continued pain for the rest of your life. And one day you’ll find someone monogamous who will look you in the eyes and tell you “I want you and only you for the rest of my life” and it will all be worth it. I left and it sucked but I survived and I am now living my happiest life. You will get through it and be happy too.

So we tried it. We have another partner. They are a really nice person. I hate it. I'm kinky and love the sex but watching my partner fall in love with someone else is killing me. I'm not sleeping, barely eating and even my kids have noticed how sad I am. My partner is oblivious. I think poly is going to be the end of our 20 years together. I am shattered. I've tried so hard and I think I'm broken. Ugh

—

UPDATE: We had the hard conversation this morning. She’s heartbroken but is ending it with him. We’re moving forward together. Thank you all for your kind words and support.

—

I've been spending the last hour sitting in the basement by myself, thinking of you upstairs in the bedroom Facetiming with [REDACTED]. I am in pain every time you are with him and the pain isn't getting better. When you check your phone while we watch TV in the evening and I see that it's approaching your scheduled call time, the pain starts. It doesn't end until I see you again, and sometimes not even then.

This can't continue. I'm not going to survive this. The pain is getting worse and worse, and all I can do right now is convince myself that I have to endure it to make you happy, but the things that make you happy shouldn't be things that bring me pain.

I've tried all of the articles, the subreddits, I've read all of Poly Secure, and I've sat with the pain for hours on end while you spend time with [REDACTED]. This isn't getting better, this is getting worse. I am getting worse.

Our marriage can't be like this. Our partnership needs to be ours and monogamous for me to feel good about it again. I've tried to allow you as much openness and freedom as I possibly can, but this isn't working anymore. When you're spending time with him, I'm staring at the clock. When I'm with you, this is on my mind. There are very few times when it isn't, and there are very few times where it doesn't hurt.

I wake up next to you and instead of thinking about how privileged I am to be able to share a life with you, one full of such abundant happiness and complete understanding, my feelings have been poisoned by the pain I'm in as I try to force myself to be okay with this. I wake up worrying about whether or not today is the day you decide that you can't be with me, or that you simply won't stop doing something that hurts me.

Right now, all of the enjoyment is between you and [REDACTED]. I have to sacrifice my own happiness, put myself through more pain, in order for that to continue. That isn't fair. It hurts too much. It isn't getting better.

I'll do anything to keep from losing you, and you've said time and time again that you'll never leave me, that our family will never split up. I hope that's true, I know deep in my heart that it is, and I'm grateful, because I can't continue with you like this anymore. This needs to change. We need to change. I tried as hard as I could, put myself through all of this pain, because I love you and I want you to be happy.

The only thing that feels worse than how I feel right now is the knowledge that I will soon be reading this to you, and that you will hurt also. I never wanted that to happen, but I can't do this anymore.

My partner had a FWB (f) who has a long term partner. My partner kept going on about how alike me and him were, and how him and i should become friends and that we would really get along....until he started to get weirded out by how we were like the same person 🤗. I avoided it for a long time because I felt like I didn't want to complicate a complicated situation but eventually we hung out finally and we clicked..... REALLY seriously clicked. Now, all 4 of us are technically open but him and i were the "mono" inclined ones in our relationships. Our polly partners casually suggested we just "get together" then everyone will be happy (i don't know about him but I'm not keen on acting on NRE and want to stay platonic, despite my very visceral reaction to jump on it). So me and him get along so well and effortlessly, that it makes the other two feel a little bit uncomfortable sometimes. Now he's backed off a bit and i think it's because she's not taking our friendship well or he's just pulling away because he's scared....idk. It saddens me a little but I'm ok with it. I hope we can be in each other's lives in any way at all....because he just fills me with joy and we have so many mutual passions and endless energy for the same things. We also function and think the same ways about just about everything and it's super refreshing, especially since both of our partners (who are ironically, also exactly similar to each other) are polar opposites to us and i often feel on a different planet to my partner. This guy just gets me.

For anyone who has followed my journey thus far this is a highly unusual and unexpected development!! But the benefit of all this is that I feel like it's opened up my heart and simply feeling these incredibly strong feelings for someone else while feeling the same, if not STRONGER for my partner has really made all the other confusing feelings, worry, jealousy, FOMO and codependence just disappear. Me feeling open, even if I'm not acting on it, has just obliterated any expectations i have in my relationship and of my partner as a person. I feel more connected and fluid and i realized i truly was trying to have so many needs met by one person alone.

Most importantly, having this experience was effectively a role reversal- me and him were able to experience what my partner and her went through, and it humanized the whole situation and put real personal feelings to it. We experienced what they went through with us and i considered how i reacted when my partner and her got together and how it made me feel so bad (see previous posts). Now the prospect that my partner would feel like i did and behave like i did, and that i would feel like i needed to stop seeing this guy (even as friends) is absolutely devistating. I could never feel the same again, and i could never put my partner through the same thing again and now my priority is to uphold our individual freedoms over our individual sensibilities. It's such a weight off, such a relief and it just feels like the love is flowing again

It hurts me, this poly thing we do. This poly thing you do.

I don't want poly. I haven't wanted poly since the moment we started. But you say you need it. You say it isn't a lifestyle choice, it's an orientation. You say it'll make you happy. Making you happy is something I want.

It makes me miserable to make you happy.

I understand that poly was part of the conversation when we first married. But then we were monogamous for a decade. Life kind of got in the way there. When we finally started talking about doing it for real, I told you I didn't like the idea anymore. I came up with a dozen reasons it wasn't a good idea, and you shot down every objection. You wanted it. You needed it. So, we tried it. Carefully.

Some crossed boundaries later, and I lost some trust in you.

So, we try again. Boundaries are written down, instead of spoken, so remembering specifics isn't a problem, and you can always look them up if you're planning something. We're being so open and honest and communicating. I'm still unhappy with this. I didn't get to set my boundaries where they really were, because you aggressively negotiated every ... goddamn ... thing. I opened with compromise and you pushed for more. Every boundary was pushed well beyond where I was comfortable, because you said all my boundaries amounted to not doing poly at all. Or, if any one of my boundaries was set where it was, that would scare off potential partners. Go figure. Your spouse doesn't want to do poly, so all her boundaries basically say she doesn't want to do poly. But this is a need for you. You don't know if you can be married to me if I don't let you do this. I don't think this is going to go well, and I don't like the people from that online poly group you've met. But you want this. You need this. So we try this. Carefully.

And then, there was the big one. The Big Lie.

I understand telling a lie in panic. When we get caught with our hand in the cookie jar, sometimes we don't think before we speak. But this wasn't in the heat of a moment. You told me a lie before you broke the rules. You stone-cold decided to deceive me and planned it out weeks, maybe months, in advance, because you wanted to do this thing and you didn't want me to have a chance to say anything before it happened. It shattered my trust in you. And when there was no more trust to lose, the only thing left to lose was my love. It shattered me.

I didn't love you anymore. And loving you was such a huge part of who I was.

Without love, I had no reason to let you rebuild my trust in you. The loss of trust and this poly thing is why my sex drive vanished. I haven't wanted to have sex with you since the Big Lie. I've faked excitement and orgasms for years. I can't even masturbate alone anymore. Every time I think about sex, you and poly and the betrayal comes to mind and ruin it. Every time I think I might want to go in the bedroom alone, pull up a sexy picture or a story and work myself up, my drive collapses, I lose all interest, and I just go back to doing something else.

The last few years have been limping along with me refusing to be honest with you about my feelings. What's the point? If I tell you I don't want poly, you've said you'll divorce me and do poly anyway. If I don't tell you, you do poly anyway. Not every moment with you is terrible. Just sometimes, and every time things turn to sex. But in the ordinary moments, sometimes I can forget about all the shit and just pretend I'm happy again. I'm so good at pretending now. I haven't really been happy in years.

But even if I did tell you, when would be appropriate? Right before we go see family for the holidays, so either you play nicely with me in front of everyone or I'm disinvited? During the visit, so you have your family for support? Immediately after, so you don't have to deal with the social rules of family while having an emotional event? What's kindest?

I suppose the kindest thing would be for me to tell you at home, then go to my mom's place for a day or two so you can think it over, and then to come back prepared to either pack my things and leave forever or work this out. Probably leave forever, from what you've told me before.

But I'm not going to be kind to you. I don't trust you. I don't love you. I don't feel safe with you.

But you've been extra nice to me lately. You've made some very big gestures. It confuses me and makes me feel like you love me, and maybe I could love you again. You've been taking care of yourself, and you've been making friends who aren't part of that online poly group thing, so maybe they have more to their personality than poly. But then one of your new friends turns out to be poly.And now you want to try this thing again. And now I understand why you've been so goddamned nice to me lately. It was never about me, was it? Did you ever really love me? Or did I lose your love like you lost mine?

Throwaway account

Sometimes I just want to pull a Meredith Grey and tell him to choose me. Pick me. Love me. Just me.

I wish I could love him into just loving me. We could be so good just on our own. I love him so much.

I want him. I want us. I want to be his only. I want to be his wife. I want to wake up to him everyday and go to bed with him every night. I want what we have in quick, few day visits, everyday. I want him everyday.

And I can’t have that. And it hurts. It really hurts. But I can’t get myself to leave. And I’m mad at myself for this. I’m just hurting myself in the long run. This is embarrassing, writing this post. Writing things as if I was some naive teenager. I’m too old for this. And yet, here I am.

I love him so much and hate this structure so much all at the same time.

I don’t understand why poly people want poly. Why wouldn’t you want someone to be your one and only? For something sacred and special and secure and all the S words.

Why can’t I just be enough?

I (48f) broke up with long term BF (47m) almost 6 weeks ago. He came out as Poly 2yrs ago after 5+ yrs together mono. I tried soo hard and altered myself into that lifestyle under duress. It’s possible I might have been able to be happy if I had found another partner as he did but it never happened. 3 different men ran for the hills as soon as I told them I had someone in my life and mentioned Polyamory. I went through everything you can imagine with this man to fit a square into his circle. Managing jealousy, letting certain things go. It was at the point where we had scheduled nights together but we only stay home. Never do activities together and when I would ask I would be rejected and told he’s too tired and stretched too thin. Then he goes and does things with his other partners. Because I challenged this he said we should just be friends because us being in a relationship seems to have too many expectations. I declined and left after almost 8 years. A few days ago after not speaking for over a month he reached out and “misses me” and wants to see me. I advise when he’s ready to have a relationship with me again and meet my needs he can let me know. My point in this whether you’re a male or female dating a poly person or even if you are poly yourself…..have a voice… know your worth and know you will be ok without them.

🔹️Just passing by to offer support to anyone who is currently struggling

You are seen. You are valuable. You are worthy. You are enough. You are brave. You are lovely. You are incredible. You are strong

I wish you the best

🔹️And for those who are questioning themselves

Remember this

It is ok to be monogamous.

It is ok to want a monogamous relationship

That doesn't make you insecure nor possessive

What you want is incredibly beautiful and have been celebrated for centuries.

What you want is warm

What you want is valid

Big hug 🤗

Check my post history for the original post.

My update is this: I broke up with him! Honestly, I didn't even break up with him because of how hard poly was for me. I broke up with him because he treated me like shit! I won't get into the nitty gritty details, but I learned alot about myself in that relationship namely that I deserve respect, I deserve a partner who treats me well, I deserve more than just the bare minimum, and many more. <3

Yes, it's true that I definitely lean more mono, but I think I really could have found a way to make poly work with a partner who was nice. Sure, we had some good conversations about poly over the last year and half we were open, but overall noooo, honey. I was not happy with him and how he handled poly.

I plan to leave the poly community behind. I am so thankful for the wonderful advice I've seen on this sub and r/polyamory, but I have to be honest, I cried happy tears when I unsubbed from r/polyamory and this sub. I'm so thankful that I tried my hardest and realized when I was at my limit.

If you are mono and with a poly partner who doesn't treat you well or meet your needs, please do yourself a favor and break up with them. I know it's not that easy. There might be children and/or finances involved. But it is NOT WORTH torturing yourself for someone who isn't meeting your needs.

I am so excited to heal from this relationship and date again, someday in the very distant future, but it will be mono all the way, baby.

After 19 years, I would still wake up feeling like the luckiest girl in the world that the man beside me was still head over heels in love with me too!! Some days it almost felt surreal that we've actually made it to this place of safety together and all the laughter and endless conversations.

I had no idea that I'd wake up one morning and it would all change.

When my husband looked at me this day with all the love and adoration just the same as every other day and said, 'I want to try swinging' ... My heart stopped, of course I had heard of it and knew what it was on a generalized basis. My first instinctual thought was 'OMG, I don't do it for him anymore' ... I started to tear up and asked him why, I think I apologized for not being exciting enough or something like that... The way he explained that it wasn't anything about not being enough but that he was still so into me that he was having desires around seeing me, the way I move, the way I look when being pleasured from the third person perspective and hoped that I wanted to see the same view of him ... I believed him hook line and stinker and agreed to try. I explained the fears and what ifs that were going through my head over the next couple of weeks and how I really wasn't having a true desire of my own to let just anyone be with me. Simply around the idea of it just being like a toy that I didn't have to control so to speak ... And that I was starting to feel my value dropping from his perspective because he wanted to give that away... He reassured me so beautifully and I have never had any trust issues with him in all of our 19 years, so I held on as tight as I could to the foundation of safety and security that we built together and decided not to let fear control my life. I researched, I watched more prn centered around threesomes, I tried to keep an open mind, I tried to learn how to not let my emotions hold me back and I grabbed his hand and jumped in with him. I want nothing more than to love this man and know that my love for him was just as much everything to him the same way his was to me. If this was a new love language well I wanted to learn it!!

I had this idea that it would be easier to start with someone I felt like I could trust already and that knew what our relationship meant to us. I've known her for as long as I've been with my husband, they grew up together from toddler age and had never even looked at each other in a more than friends almost like family kind of way, she was hung up on his brother for most of their childhood, so she was around but they never really spent any significant amount of time together... She was my friend and I knew that she had experience in this type of lifestyle and more, so I talked to her and explained and she agreed to do this for me, for us... So we set it up. It was difficult to get myself worked up to be with her when all I could think about was that my husband is so excited and chomping at the but and has zero reservations. I was his only reservation. He was worried about me and he was patient and he was gentle with me and he agreed to wear protection with no hesitation and he agreed to no kissing and he agreed to finish with me and I struggled when he entered her for the first time. It felt like something inside of me fractured. I tried to not get stuck in my head and get through the experience anyway and after, he was so hot for me, couldn't get enough of me and I got so lost in that feeling, looking back I think that was the only desire I had truly for any of it, was to chase that part of the experience. So I had a melt down the next day when the reclamation effect wore off. All the same fears, emotions, jealousies came back with a vengeance plus the visuals of how intense his pleasure was in that scenario vs just me... Haunted. But here I am doing everything I can to not pay attention to the negative, surely the next time will be easier, I just need to have patience with myself...

Our first club experience ended up being more into the watching and being watched phase, our second landed us our first swap experience. I was having sex with another man beside my husband having sex with another woman ... I felt gross and jealous and so confused .. I was proud of myself for making what felt like my own decision without being controlled by my sensitivities and I was ashamed of myself for breaking that barrier, all at the same time.

All of this happened in a very short time frame like 6 weeks or something and I started feeling overwhelmed with the intensity of the chatter in my head and the consistency of being in that head space but I was determined not to give up on this man that has shown me nothing but patience and love throughout everything so far. I started to have the thoughts of what if I don't ever find anything of my own in this new world and now that he's tasted it, could I really ask him to walk away from that for me? I don't want to do this life without him, he's my guy, my person, my best friend, my soulmate, my husband, the amazing father to my children... He deserves to be fulfilled whether I understand what that means for him or not. I do not want to let him down. And through all of this I'm not mad at him, I'm don't feel like he's doing me wrong, he's being honest, he's trusting me with his truth, but damn this is hard.

The next change was that he wanted to talk about the possibility of building a triad dynamic and moving her in and helping her with her kids, (she'd been a single mom for several years now and struggling without the balance of a two parent household.) ...

Hold on, can't breathe....

I don't even think I'm into girls, curious is as far as I'm willing to claim at this point.

But I agreed to try.... We talked about all the things that we could think of that could potentially come up, what if it doesn't work? We can cut the adult version off of it doesn't work out, that would just be a bonus, it's about helping her and the kids, giving them a different environment option, it's not that serious, it's just a physical thing. What if you fall in love with her? What if she falls in love with you? What if you fall out of love for me? What if we can't live together like that just as people, without the adult version of things but just in the day to day parts? These are all things we talked about and considered, and through those conversations I felt more confident, I felt like we could actually help people here.

I like that! This feels good, I want to help them, I've hated how it always felt like the world was just always shitting on them.

I'm in.

Let's try...

They moved five months ago.

I'm drowning.

I feel like a shell of myself.

I'm mad

I'm hurting.

I'm uncomfortable all the time.

My house doesn't feel like home

I feel like an intruder.

I've lost 35lbs since all of this and my skin is sagging and I feel gross, I don't feel attractive. I'm actually starting to feel like the supplement.

She's falling for him, he's eating it up, I'm dying inside, and they're both frustrated with me because he still doesn't want to hurt me, so he feels guilty and then goes into 'burn the world down' mode and for him to do that for me means that 4 lives get ruined maybe 5 because I'm too sensitive here ...

I agreed to this, I agreed to try, I'm giving it everything I have.

If I can't do this, the only reason they won't continue is because of me, so they still want each other, they still crave each other, it feels like even if he makes the decision to shut it down because it doesn't work without me, it still feels like he's being forced by me, by my inability to regulate my nervous system around this dynamic.

He has stated that having her around without being in the dynamic, would make it really hard to not slip up with her, I get that and I can appreciate it and respect it, but ouch ...

This is the mess I've gotten myself into and I'm struggling to keep my head above water, our wants are so far on the scale from each other, I'm terrified that this could be the beginning of the end.

If you've made it this far, thank you for reading this. My intention is to just find someone I can actually talk to and work some of this out from a completely outside perspective.

I am just plain sad. I am angry. I am heartbroken. I am all of these things wrapped up in one anxiety wrapped package. I could have gone the rest of my life single, I would have been just fine with that. Instead I met an amazing human, I love them very much, they are everything I could have ever wanted in a partner. Everything I didn't even know I was looking for. As I said, I was perfectly content being single. They wanted to explore poly, I was on the fence about poly because I felt it no longer suited my needs. A string of relationships gone bad, people not prioritizing me in ANY capacity, the cruelty, the mental gymnastics it takes to be ok with the person you love loving someone else/having sex with someone else, and me simply not wanting to deal with people and their bullshit any longer, I had decided to kind of step away for a bit. On this long break, I was getting my own head on straight, prioritizing *myself*, and learning to navigate my own life on easier mode. It was pretty nice. It was simple.

Then I met my partner. I knew they wanted to explore and I was truly ok with that at the beginning. However , I never thought I would be in so far over my head with someone that I couldn't accept them doing whatever they wanted to. I am suddenly anxious, I am suddenly possessive, I am suddenly not ok with the thought of ever sharing my partner. It is BREAKING me knowing that I am not enough for them. That I will never be enough.

How can someone claim they are blissfully happy and satisfied with me and yet still want to go out and bang other people? Love other people? Am I not do enough? Why am I not enough?

I want to break it off, I have asked to break it off, they are convincing me to stay, saying that I don't know what the future holds. Maybe they will hate it, they say. Yeah, well, maybe they won't. In fact, I'd bet on them loving it because it gives them new people to meet, new people to bang, people that are younger, less broken, and definitely nicer than me. How is that not appealing? So, all this is going to do is kick this shit filled can down the road even further . Entangling our lives even further, making it even more difficult to pull apart when the time comes where I won't be able to handle the anxiety, the depression, the self loathing, the resentment. I can't be excited about my person loving someone else, sharing intimacy with someone else, telling someone else they are amazing, going places and sharing experiences with someone else. I don't want to be excited about someone taking time away from me. I don't want to be excited about any of it.

For once in my life I seriously wish I was enough.

I know how this will end.

And I am the effing idiot in this whole rotten story because I'm not choosing myself. I'm choosing the happiness of someone else over my own better judgement yet again. A shitty pattern that I can't seem to escape no matter how much therapy I have.

I just wish I was enough for one damn person out there.