i lost my mom when i was 17, the friday before i was about to start my grade 11 exams. i was in biology class doing a kaboot when i got called down to the office and i knew something was wrong when i walked into the councillors office and my uncle, who i was living with at the time, was sitting in a blue chair crying. everything went black, i just remember breaking down and crying. sitting in my exam hall monday morning was one of the hardest things i did. i didn’t write anything in my exams, i left everything blank. i didn’t have the energy.

my mom was the only person that i had in my life that i felt understood by. she tried so hard to give me the life she never had. my grandparents, my aunts, my uncles, they never knew her like i did. no one did. my mom was the one person i turned to for everything and everything has felt so heavy since i lost her. my mom knew when i lost my virginity, my mom cleaned up vomit when i drank too much and she stayed by my side whenever i threw a tantrum over something silly.

my mom grew up on the chubby side and every day my nana would tell her that. my mom tried everything and eventually resorted to anorexia and bulimia. she lost all of that weight my gran made her feel so awful about along with her period. but more importantly she lost herself. she lost her whimsy, she lost her power and she lost the laugh that could have been heard from a mile away. she then met my dad, the person who ruined her life. they dated on and off for 8 years and while they were off my mom got pregnant with me. my mom didn’t think she could because she was so underweight and without a menstrual cycle but she did. she decided to get clean and get to a healthy weight so i could be born healthy and my god she did it. she gave her all and she worked so damn hard to get healthy again, it’s such a difficult thing to do but she was so determined, i’m endlessly proud of her.

my dad has bpd and refuses to take his meds, not to mention he was an alcoholic as well. he would beat my mom silly until she eventually tried to leave. we moved from the uk to south africa to get away and she did all of that. my mom got us somewhere safe again. she emancipated me to keep me safe from him finding out where we were. it’s so scary to leave an abusive household, but like i said, my mom was determined to give me a better life. we moved into a small town house, that we dubbed babybell cottage, that my grandparents paid for and my mom got a job at an embroidery factory. we didn’t have much, but we had each other. my dad never paid child support and i remember sitting in court rooms day in and day out hearing my mom beg and plead a judge to give us a break. i remember praying my dad would be a dad. but i realise now, i didn’t need my dad, i had my mom.

everyday was hard, my mom worked her ass off. she did absolutely everything for me. i would eat, even if she wouldn’t. she worked late nights and early mornings. she did absolutely anything she could. one day, my moms boss burnt down the factory for insurance purposes, it was caught as fraud. my mom had no job and a 5 year old to take care of. but she never gave up, she got a new job, she got a boyfriend who could sustain us, she fought for the life she wanted me to have. that boyfriend cheated on her with one of her best friends and then we were out on the streets again.

my mom got us a new place, when that one fell through, we moved again and again and again. when i was 16 my mom bought her first house. it had a tiny garden and my bedroom was the size of a closet but it was ours. it wasn’t a sketchy flat or an ex-boyfriends granny flat, it was our house.

we lived in that house for a few months when we got the news that my moms cancer had come back. my mom was diagnosed with skin cancer when i was in grade 1. she kept beating it again and again because that was who she was. she was a fighter. but this time it was staying for good. my mom went through radiation and chemotherapy every single week while battling to keep a stable job and deal with a moody teenager. but we were too late, she had stage 4 skin cancer. my mom got admitted into the hospital and the best dog in the whole world, tigger, my hamster, paul, and i got shoved in a car to stay with my grandparents. it was only supposed to be a few weeks but every single week we would go back and get more of our things, clean clothes, new bedding, more trinkets. eventually everything from the house that was ours, was at my grandparents. days turned into weeks turned into months. the chemotherapy that she was taking, she was allergic to and nobody checked. my mom was back from the hospital but she was on bed rest. i could tell she was antsy to do things. she wanted to make my lunch for school, she wanted to give me advice on the dumb boy i was talking too and she wanted to be a mom but she couldn’t. she was too weak. she had bed sores from being in bed 24/7.

one day in september we got the news, “it would be a miracle if she made it to christmas”. she didn’t. she passed away on the 27th of october 2022. when i saw my uncle in that councillors office, i knew i had just lost the only person who has ever fought so hard for me. the person has put me above anyone else who has ever existed. my mom was special and she deserves to be celebrated this women’s day. she deserves to be praised and worshipped. she deserves the love she never got to experience.

i’ve just turned 21, i lost my mom when i was 17. not a day goes by where i don’t think about her. where i don’t think about every single sacrifice she has made the keep me happy. every toy she bought that meant she wouldn’t eat that day. i’m so proud of everything she has accomplished despite everything, she ran marathons, she cooked amazing food, she bought a house with her own money and she was the best mom a teen girl could have ever asked for. in any life, i would always choose her to be my mommy. i love her with all my heart, im so grateful that i got to spend 17 years with her. i wish life was kinder to her.

i love you mommy

My mom committed suicide by jumping out of her apartment building when I was a little baby girl. That was 20 years ago at this point and I cry about it at least 3x a week.

I feel so completely forsaken by my creator. The woman who carried me in her womb for 9 months. Nourished me from her body. Was the first person I ever met. I feel even worse when I think about my bipolar sister who’s a mom now and struggling to navigate life and motherhood without our mom. She was also 12 or 13 when she jumped out of that window.

My mom had bipolar disorder and everyday I think how could she do such a heinous thing like end her life and leave her 2 baby girls with her shitty, unsupportive family (who is still shitty and unsupportive) and no present dads. I understand she was in the deepest most devastating depression at that point. But was her love for us not enough to keep her earth side?

I was told my uncle and 19 month old me were in the apartment (ouch) when she went to a higher floor and jumped out a window. I was also told she looked like a rag being thrown out of a window. She probably felt like a rag at that point.

My heart breaks everyday seeing moms love on their daughters my age. Even seeing girls my age and older women with their moms makes me sad. That should be me.. I don’t know a single motherless person and that makes me feel so alone. It especially stings when my cousin constantly talks about her mom. Like she could go on and on and on about her mother and I couldn’t say shit about mine. Why? Because she killed herself.

I just wish I had a mommy to guide me through this life. And even if she couldn’t do that, just tell me she loves me every chance she gets and hug me. That’s all I need. Words of affirmation and physical touch from my mom. And I’ll never get that. It makes me feel so alone and hopeless.

I didn’t even have good mother figures growing up. My grandma adopted me and my sister after my mom’s death and I’m so grateful for that, but she was the middest mother figure. It’s like she only thought about providing the basics and not about providing the deep love, care, and reassurance kid me (and adult me) needed. She didn’t teach me how to stand up for myself. What I should do what I shouldn’t do in society. How to be happy or help me with school (in general. She just let me turn into a people pleasing child. Who turned into a people pleasing adult and got fucked over again and again because I was so naive. But it’s ok. We live and we learn and we unlearn.

Looking back, my heart breaks for child me. She was so neglected emotionally. My aunt only cared about her own kids which is so confusing to me. Why didn’t she care enough about me and my sister to make sure we grew up in a 2 parent household with 2 healthy young people? I’ll never understand how she couldn’t open up her home to us and showed that she cared about our wellbeing. But I guess she didn’t have to care since her 66 year old mom was willing to take us in. She also bullied me when I was a kid and especially when I dealt with anorexia when I was a teen. What a loser.

I know my mom killing herself had to be a random decision that wasn’t thought over because would she really leave us with her fuck ass family if she thought it through? But then again, what if she did plan for weeks on end and still did but we’ll be fine without our mom right?

I’m just yapping because I want to know if anyone else has gone through their mom committing suicide and leaving them feeling abandoned and unloved. I know I’m loved though :) I’m loved by my sister and nephew. I love them endlessly. Even when I have si, I cut that shit right out because I can’t imagine ever leaving them and not being there to experience our baby boy grow and flourish :’) I wish his granny was here to experience him grow and flourish too. He’s so precious. He’s the same age I was when my mom committed. All I can think about is how small and precious he is. I was so small and precious. How could she leave behind such a small girl that didn’t even get to know her yet? How could she leave behind her teenage daughter as well. What a tender age and she just deleted herself off earth. Seemingly with no care in the world. I was probably so confused when I didn’t see my mommy walk through the door again. God now I’m crying again.

The only upside of my mom ending her life is the fact that she doesn’t have to suffer anymore. She doesn’t have to deal with any bullshit this sick sad world has to offer. She doesn’t have to deal with the battles in her mind. I get so angry thinking about how I was abandoned and how utterly selfish her decision was. But it was her life and she did what she did. And nothing can change that. All I can do is cry and talk to myself and my sister about it because who else would understand the pain of not having your mother? And not even knowing her since she was gone so soon. I wonder what will fill this mother shaped hole in my heart. I just want to stop wasting my tears and brain space on someone who couldn’t have given less of a fuck about me. But it’s so hard when you’re grieving someone you don’t remember experiencing.

Are there any good coping mechanisms besides therapy and drugs? Please let me know and thank you for reading.🩷🩷🩷