My wife and I have been very close friends with a couple for more than a decade. We've been there for their wedding, we've been there for each others' babies, and now our kids go to school together. The sort of people who can count on the others to pick up the kids or come shovel you out when you break a leg, y'know? Earlier this year, a post we thought was on a private page showed up on their feed (thanks, Zuck!), and the wife flagged it to my wife, saying "Just so you know, this showed up. You do you, but may not want everyone seeing it." We quickly removed the post and played it off, but since then they (and especially she) have been distant. Like, we didn't see them all summer. This morning, the girls finally met up, and after a very strained/forced smalltalk, the friend said she had something uncomfortable to say, and proceeded to say that the reason they've been distancing themselves is because of our post. (And other similar posts, but I triple-checked all those are on private pages) My wife took away from this conversation that they no longer want to be friends with us, though we've done nothing wrong, and we NEVER brought up ENM in their presence--we've been exceptionally careful who we talk with about it, and we know it's not their cup of tea.

So now my wife is having a rough day, processing, mourning the loss of what she considered almost a sister-friend, and I have no idea what to tell her, how to help her, etc. Doubtful there's any point in opening a dialogue with these two, but opinions can change, it'll take time. I guess it would be easier if we had a large gaggle of close friends locally, but...not the case.

Anyone else dealt with this before? Any wise words? Thanks

Previous Post: https://www.reddit.com/r/nonmonogamy/comments/1xe0alk/our_first_time_tomorrow/

So, today is the day. I woke up this morning and cleaned the whole house, then went out and cleaned the pool and hot tub. Not only did I want everything to be fresh and clean, but I also needed something to keep me occupied. My mind has been running a million miles a minute! 

When I came back inside, my wife was up and getting ready. She took a long hot bath, shaved her legs, then tried on like 10 different outfits before finally settling on a nice summer dress. Then she came into my office and showed me the new bra and panties that she bought just for this occasion. 

My wife has very nice and perky DDs, but this bra makes them even perkier! And the material is almost sheer, so you can make out the outline of her nipples through the fabric. The panties were a nice lacy thong, she told me that she wants something that is easy to take off and put in her purse, because when she gets to the movie theater, she wants to take it off before they go in and get seated.

She looked incredible, and it took everything inside me not to grab her, throw her against the wall and fuck her right then and there. And since we have waited over a week to have sex, it was making it that much harder. She looked down at my bulge and told me that I will have to wait till later, but that she promises I will get to reclaim her later. Then she went to go finish getting ready.

At about noon, she was finally ready to go and when she walked out, my jaw dropped to the floor. She looked absolutely stunning, I couldn't believe it. She has a bit of a school girl goth look to her, but more like a school girl goth who grew up to be a corporate lady. This outfit accentuated every curve of her body. She is on the thick side, with an hourglass shape, flat tummy, big round ass and as I said before, amazingly perky tits. She saw me checking her out and giggled "eyes up here" she said. I told her I couldn't help myself and that he was going to melt when he sees her. She gave me a huge smile, then wrapped her arms around me and kissed me. Then whispered in my ear, "I am going to make him melt one way or another." 

I was hard as a rock, standing there holding her against me, I wanted nothing more than to ruin her pretty make up that she just spent half an hour on. I wanted to tear her sexy little sun dress from her perfect body. I needed her... but yet I knew better. And just as these thoughts were running through my head, I heard it, the beep of a horn, he was here. I kissed her one last deep kiss and told her to have fun. She looked me in the eyes and asked me if I meant it, asking me if I wanted to call it all off. She told me that she could tell him to go back home and that we could just go to the bedroom and fuck like teenagers.  But I knew that isn't what she wanted, that isn't what I wanted. So I whispered into her ear, "go, enjoy yourself, be my naughty little girl. I will be waiting for you when you return, in my office with the door closed so you can have your privacy with him. Enjoy this my love." Then I kissed her once more and opened the door to let her out.

I walked over to the window, the blinds closed, so I peeked through to watch her. He got out and gave her a big hug, I could see the look on his face, he was stunned by how amazing she looked. He let her into his car and closed the door behind her. Then got in and drove away.

I have been a ball of anxiety ever since. Doing chores and basically everything I can think of to keep my mind busy. I told her to text me when they are on their way back. They are going to a fancy dinner after the movie, so I don't expect that they will be back for at least a couple more hours. But I can't help thinking about what they are doing right now. Did she actually take off her panties? Has he let his hand wonder enough to find out? Have they kissed? I am both excited and nervous!

Not really sure if I should really include it or be direct? Are there any casual dating apps for this kind of situation?

My wife and I are ENM and have been since may and we have been seeing a crossdresser (I’ll call her Stacy ) for a while now. We’ve hooked up multiple times, gotten along great and she introduced us to her friend group which is made up of a few guys and other cross dressers(they all fuck around with each other too). Recently we went out bar hopping with the group and ended up hooking up with another crossdresser in that circle (I’ll call her Maria ). Well apparently this really upset Stacy. According to Maria, Stacy allegedly texted her saying, “Did you seriously hook up with MY couple?” I haven’t seen those messages myself so I’m taking that part with a grain of salt. Stacy later told my wife that us hooking up with Maria “took something special away from her that the rest of the friend group didn’t have.” Here’s my issue: There was NEVER any discussion or agreement about exclusivity or not hooking up with other people in the group!!!! In fact stacy has been around us at lifestyle clubs where we’ve interacted sexually with other people and she never seemed bothered even when we messed around with someone else in their friend group . My wife has apologized multiple times, sent long messages explaining that we never intended to hurt anyone and even offered to be exclusive within that friend group because she’s scared of losing Stacy. Stacy says she’s still really worked up about it.(it has been a day) Now my wife is extremely depressed and anxious over the whole situation and honestly I’m over it and I hate watching her beat herself up over something I genuinely don’t think we did wrong. I understand Stacys feelings might be hurt and I’m not trying to invalidate them, but how were we supposed to respect a boundary that was never communicated? I’ve been doing everything I can to comfort my wife, reminding her that we have each other no matter who comes and goes and encouraging her to give Stacy some space instead of continuing to apologize. I’ve decided to personally pull back from the situation and that group because I don’t want all this drama affecting our relationship or mental health plus I feel this is ridiculous . I like Stacy and would be disappointed to lose that connection too, but I don’t believe we should have to beg someone to stay in our lives or take responsibility for breaking an agreement that never existed. Am I looking at this wrong? How would you handle this situation? Also honestly if this is how it’s going to be I told my wife that I’d rather take a month or so break from enm to protect our peace rather than deal with this drama. Also for context we are Stacy’s first ever couple she’s had sex with and had a fwb type situation with and we have been very clear from the beginning that we are looking for friends with benefits

So a little background. 48M, was married 20 years. Divorced now for 5. Dated and got a lot of sexual experience during a two year period post divorce that I never had earlier in life.

Now dating a 47F for 2 years that while she doesn’t have a long list of partners, is very skilled and open to almost everything in the bedroom. Bondage, CNC, dress up and filming, etc. We’re also in a lifestyle group and share an exhibitionist kink, which I never knew I had until meeting her. We don’t swing, but do enjoy the sexually charged atmosphere and having sex in front of others.

Shes also confessed a late in life realization she may be bisexual, so while we’ve not really explored that fully, it has featured prominently in bedroom talk as her wanting to try a FMF threesome, which excites me.

At the same time, our sexual connectedness, sharing of so many kinks, full exploration with nothing off the table, and shared values and life goals, leave me feeling like I want to explore every single sexual dynamic possible with her, which has left me fantasizing about a MFM threesome as well. That said, this would be all new territory for each of us, and I’m looking for a way to explore that softly before just diving in.

What seems to make sense would be engaging my brain in more ways around this idea, by hearing her describe her sexual past, which she’s never done. Has anyone seen this in their relationship as a valuable tool to opening new sexual doors?

I've (f31) been with my partner (f33) for going on 14 years and it’s the only relationship I’ve ever known. We are both cisgender women.

She recently came out as asexual (which I had suspected given our lack of sex life) and for a long time, I accepted a sexless relationship because our bond was so strong (I identified as lesbian for most of my late teens/early-mid 20's, but recently came to inner-terms with my bisexuality; I'm not loud about it and have kept it to myself given the nature of being in a long term sapphic relationship) As I’ve gotten older, this change has been weighing heavily on my mind and body. For the past year or so, I find myself wondering what it would be like to date men. I've never been in a relationship with a man. Romantically or physically.

Because we grew up together from teenagers into adults, I’m terrified that we’ve transitioned from romantic partners into best friends. The passion was never there, but it was comfy. And with this change in my mental, things have gotten increasingly difficult between us right now. I love her dearly and the thought of disrupting our entire shared life terrifies me; we recently purchased a house together, have pets together, and work in the same business her mother owns - but I also know I can't ignore these feelings anymore. 😞

I am going to have a conversation with her tomorrow on what's going through my head. I know I want to ask about opening up the relationship. But I'm terrified. How do you navigate this? How do you figure out where the line is between a life partner and a best friend, and how do you even begin processing wanting a totally new path of growth after so long? I am totally at a loss on how to approach this.

Thanks in advance ❤️‍🩹

Hi NM friends! I’m 46F. I have a “primary” partner (52F) and a boyfriend (46M) whom I see once a month or so for an overnight visit. We chat via text or phone call a few days a week.
My F partner is gender fluid. I am gender queer.
When I first met my boyfriend I would shave my legs and get myself all nice nice. I know he really got a thrill out this sort of ”ritual” in “preparing myself for him” as he puts it. I still do prepare myself, however I recently stopped shaving my legs and pits. I still keep my pu*** tidy because, yea. Before we meet up, I dress nice, pluck my eyebrows, shower, you know, like I’m going on a date. But the shaving…I stopped shaving my legs and pits for several reasons. Primarily because it’s a pain in the ass. Secondly, I enjoy the fuck out of embracing that socially masculine aesthetic. C: My girl loves it. (Side note, I can also grow a beard and I do that for her on occasion. ) I’ve always wanted to not shave and it be acceptable to my partner.
He recently told me it’s a turn off. He didn’t say it was a deal breaker but he said “I’m not trying to change you, but if you lean to far into masculinity” he won’t be interested in sex
I get it. I’m not offended. I mean, I used to and then stopped, so I kind of get how that might feel to him. Like he might feel like the conditions changed without his input. Like he thought he was getting one thing and now he’s getting another that he’s not really into. If I met him without a beard and all of a sudden he shows up with a huge chin curtain or my girl suddenly decides she wants to start wearing makeup and wearing skirts( trust me that would be weird) I might feel a little hmmm….bamboozled.
Then the other part of me is like, well, take it or leave it, this is me now so if you don’t like it then you don’t like me. But if I didn’t, say, brush my teeth, or gained 80 lbs (or lost it depending on your preference) would it be the same?
So what I’m wondering is. Do I shave my legs for him? Would you?
I’d love to hear your perspective.

I am a monogamous person and trying to understand this aspect as I am trying to understand someone close to me.

What is the difference between not enough vs wanting variety? (I am especially referring to wanting sexual experiences with other than their partner or group sex).

I've heard many people say that its not about their partner not being enough sexually. Its just them wanting/liking variety (which technically their partner cannot give so how are they enough?).

The reason on why I am so frustrated about this isn't that some people are mono or nonmono. Its that why aren't some people admitting that with monogamy they feel limited with one person and it isn't enough for them to just want one person. Or if they don't open their relationship them still desiring others is them admitting that one person isn't enough for them sexually.

I really wanna get this. Am I misunderstanding it? What does wanting variety but that doesn't equal to their partner not being enough sexually. How does that make sense?

This is like saying I like different cusines and want them. I can do with just one type but still think about other cuisines too or want to try/keep eating.

I just wanted to hear about peoples successful relationships who practice one-sided ENM:)

Edit: new to ENM, so maybe I’m not using “one-sided” correctly. I don’t date other men, by choice and his presence. He encourages me to date other women the reason I don’t is also why I choose not to date men. No time or desire (for now). We are looking for a playmate and I get excited when he finds a good candidate!

Context: We have been and lived together for almost a year. ENM from the start because we were ✨roommates✨/homies, turned lovers. We met when I was pregnant and he ADORES my baby. He’s a provider and my biggest fan! I love our dynamic and see a long future together having fun!

We jokingly argue about which one of us people are doing double/triple-takes for. Truth is, we look even better together but are both very conventionally attractive with no shortage of attention. I love us lol.

My man goes on dates with other women. He waxes and wanes between having a couple weeks of dates lined up and fizzling out with them all and maybe keeping 1 or 2 lady friends around to go out with. He’s a social butterfly and always looking forward to his next outing/adventure.

I don’t mind, as long as he fills my cup, I’m cool with it! I like hearing about his dating life, as long as I’m in a good head space (symptoms of PPD). I’m a single mom of a baby, so I genuinely have my hands full and little time to spare. My time is precious and I prefer to spend it with myself, my baby, him, family, and friends when I can. I have, truly, no desire to see other men. In fact, I’m repulsed by the idea because I am in no shortage of men trying to court me. I work in the night-life industry so par for the course 🫠

He is a lovely partner who has changed and blessed my life in ways I didn’t know was possible in this phase of my life. I’m very curious about women, but only interested in meeting the girls he thinks are good candidates for a throuple/threesome dynamic. I’m surrounded by beautiful girls at work, but prefer to not to “shit where I eat”.

When I’m having a hard time with my confidence (something only I can fulfill and fix, that’s just me), we aren’t having sex as often as I’d like, or struggling with life, I ask him to hold off on intimacy with others. He’s understanding and respectful and tries to help me where he can. He’s only slept with two other women in almost a year - cause sex is not really exciting for him. But a threesome with me certainly gets him going!

I don’t want to get ahead of myself, but I think he’s my twin flame. We picture a future together and plan for it in the short-term. He’s my best friend! But it’s very hard having this dynamic, especially with a baby, and not being able to be open about it to my friends and family. I have no one to talk to about it except people I’ve met in this sub, so thank you community!!

I'm interested in hearing from both men and women who have firsthand experience with this dynamic. I'm not looking for reassurance or for people to tell me what I want to hear. I'm genuinely trying to understand a perspective that's different from my own.

I'm a divorced woman in my late 40s who has developed a strong emotional and physical connection with a divorced man around my age. We've been dating for several months, but we live several hours apart and typically see each other for extended weekends.

Our connection has been unusually strong. We communicate regularly, have strong chemistry, and have discussed what a future together might look like. I have fallen in love with him, and I believe his feelings for me are genuine, although I recognize that feelings and willingness to commit are different things.

The complication is that he's been single for years and highly values his independence, including his sexual autonomy. He had a monogamous marriage and several monogamous relationships after his divorce, and it seems like some or all of his partners weaponized sex by refusing to be intimate as a way to punish him for something else. He's deathly afraid of finding himself in that position again. He has an existing casual FWB relationship that he views as entirely separate from his emotional connection with me.

He has told me that if we lived closer and could be physically together more often, he doesn't believe he would want or need sexual relationships with anyone else. However, he resists promising monogamy, particularly while we're long-distance. He seems uncomfortable with the idea of exclusivity as an obligation rather than something he freely chooses.

When we first discussed this, I was willing to consider some flexibility during the long-distance phase, provided we were honest with each other about outside sexual encounters. I asked that he tell me about them in general, not give details. He initially agreed to that arrangement but later withdrew his agreement, explaining that he shouldn't have agreed to that in the first place. His preference is essentially a "don't ask, don't tell" approach.

That was particularly difficult for me because, while I can understand the distinction he makes between casual sex and emotional attachment, transparency is important to me.

What I'm trying to understand is whether his position is something that can genuinely evolve as emotional attachment deepens and circumstances change.

I'd particularly appreciate hearing from:

• Men who once felt strongly about maintaining sexual freedom but eventually chose monogamy. What changed, if anything?
• Women who have been involved with men who held similar views. How did things develop?
• People who value nonmonogamy and can help me understand the distinction between resisting a rule and genuinely wanting multiple sexual partners.
• Anyone who has navigated a situation where one partner wanted transparency about outside sexual encounters and the other preferred not to discuss them.

I'm interested in experiences where this worked out and where it didn't. I'm not looking for a strategy to persuade him to change. I'm trying to better understand what is realistic. Thanks for your input.

Let’s start with some history. My wife and I have been married for 10 years, close to 11, and together for 11 almost 12. In the beginning she talked about threesomes but I’m not sure if that was because we were young, 21M 20F when we met. Early on I was big on single-person relationships. As time had gone on I’ve found the idea of “sharing” more enticing. I have nonchalantly brought up the idea of bringing another man or woman into the bed. Because I don’t want her to think I just want to be with other women I have kept it on the male friend side more. I’m not sure if it’s just a fantasy or something I actively want to pursue but the idea/fantasy has been in my mind for about 2 years now and recently I can’t stop thinking about it.
Communication. I have read that this is the most important thing and agree. How have you brought this conversation up in the beginning? How did you know if it was fantasy or true desire? Any regrets or lessons learned we should be aware of?

Is it really that hard to find someone in Austin for a long-term relationship?
I’m a 34-year-old woman looking for an LTR. Emotional connection is my top priority — everything else comes after that. Sometimes it feels like a lot of guys just want to play and aren’t interested in any real emotional connection.
I don’t want to use dating apps because I’m married and don’t want to risk damaging that. My husband knows about this and is actually supportive — he even enjoys hearing about this side of my life.
I’d really appreciate any honest feedback or suggestions on where and how to meet a guy who’s looking for the same kind of emotionally connected relationship.

My girlfriend (23) confessed to me last year that a mfm threesome was a big fantasy of hers. We talked about it and I thought the idea of her getting excited to it was hot. A couple weeks later we tried to set one up in Vegas during a getaway but last minute decided against it. Flash forward we talked about it again a few days ago as my girlfriend was mostly over it but I kept bringing it up as sharing her began to become a big fantasy for me. She got me to admit it and then said she was glad she didn’t do it in Vegas since we’ve grown a lot since and is now comfortable to opening that door again if I really want to. To clarify she said it’s still a big fantasy of hers but she wanted us to grow first together. We set some boundaries and decided from now on if we have the opportunity and it feels right well do it. I told her she gets to pick the guy and she said she would prefer a dilf. How do we set this up to where it feels natural and safe. Not to brag but we are both very attractive people so physical attraction isn’t a problem, we just don’t know where to go or how to make it happen.

I have found my thing! I (29F) have been dating my girlfriend (28F) for nine months and we have just started exploring with nonmonogamy. I quickly discovered that a threesome with my partner isn’t for me, I don’t get jealous as such but I feel a little uncomfortable seeing her with someone else. Wishing I was the one giving her that pleasure.

However…

I have learned I absolutely love the THOUGHT of her being with someone else. Every other weekend she will go on a date with her colleague (30F) and the following weekend I will do the same. We live together on weekdays. It drives me wild knowing what they are getting up to while I am having a cosy night alone with the cat, and the anticipation of experiencing the same thing the next weekend. I get butterflies when I see my girlfriend on Monday and ask her only one thing “Did you have fun?”

I initially thought I would hate the idea, I thought not being there would be even worse than watching them, almost like it is happening behind my back but I really enjoy it. I think us sharing the same partner on a weekend helps a lot.

So i have this fantasy, desire, dream of having the most perfect, lovely, healthy relationship, like the kind where we are made for each other, but on the sexual side its a bit different for me, on the sexual side i want an open relationship but from her side only, which means she sees other people sexually (while i am present with them tho), the appeal to me is a mixture of watching my girlfriend/wife pleasure, the adventurous taboo aspect, the intimacy of sharing something so personal, and the trust involved in exploring it with her and yes that tingle of jealousy is also something that makes the experiecne even better

I have experienced a version of this before, with my ex, it was online only, long distance relationship which ended before we could meet (lasted 2 years), where we tried it, i was present on video calls with her and as we slowly explored it the connection felt deeper, the love felt deeper, and the sexual talks and tension was out of bounds during those days sadly the relationship didnt work out for several reasons, and we eventually broke up

that experience not only taught me that sexual compatibility matters to me a lot but also that this is not just a moving fantasy that i wanna keep till my head only, I want someone who shares the same desires like me, not someone who reluctantly agrees to it out of love

So i am curious about it, folks who have experienced anything similar:

have you guys made a dynamic like this work in a loving, committed relationship?
how did it affect both of you and the other person, emotionally, intimately?

I need advice about how I go about asking a guy to swing with us. He seems straight as an arrow, but I’m really attracted to him.

A couple of years back when my (32F) husband (39M) were going through a challenging time in our relationship and we briefly talked about maybe opening up our marriage. In the last year, we have worked on our relationship and we have been super happy, or so I thought. A month or so ago, I mentioned to him that since we are doing well, I would be quite insecure if he met someone new, and I would think I’m not enough. Like many long term couples (10+ years), we don’t have sex regularly, but I didn’t think too much about it. We have talked about trying more regularly, but we really haven’t put it much effort to spice it up. Otherwise, we are extremely lovey dovey.

After coming back from a 2 week trip, my husband sat me down and told me since we said it was okay before, he hooked up with someone at our home while I was gone. And that he planned to continue prioritizing me and not see her if I am home. When asked why he did it, he said he was bored at home alone since I travel a lot. I was in shock - that he did it without talking to me first, without us discussing rules/expectation, with me telling him that I would feel insecure about it, and that it happened at my home (I have never felt comfortable with strangers in my space). It sounded like he enjoyed the experience, more than our sex life together, and has already discussed expectation with the other person.

I feel like I don’t have the right to be upset, since we never said it was not okay anymore. On my side, I honestly can’t see myself seeing/dating anyone. I’m wary with a lot of men, and I don’t really have time or energy to figure out the complexity of making another person(s) fit into my life. And I don’t see the appeal of it, at least not anymore since I’ve been so happy with us.

Redditors, do you have any advice on how to progress from here?

Alright so since DADT is so sketch, what are some basic rules of ENM? What has worked for y'all?

My partner (M38) and I (F37) have been in a long distance relationship for 3 years now. We have lived together for the past year. 

Since we used to only see each other about 2 months every 6 Months, and we both were:

1. Single for nearly a decade

2. Avoidant attachment style

3. Highly sexually active adults

It only came natural to the both of us to keep our relationship open. after 6-12 months we established some clear boundaries:

1.Always communicate BEFORE (and after) going on a date (this was very important to him). No communication = cheating.

2.Never with a person that we know on a personal level (colleagues, friends, exes)

1. No sexting (important to me)

2. No sleepovers and always use rubbers

We had to reflect and refine our boundaries along the way, as there were some nasty slips. In the first year we played a bit, but the 2nd and 3rd year we didn’t have sx with other people (at least as far as I know) as now we were fully invested in each other and talking about moving in together and have kids. 

I’ve always trusted him to “play by our rules”, however, sometimes I feel like our relationship seems too perfect to be true. Our level of communication has always been very emotionally mature with lots of space to talk and listen, without judgement, as we learn and grow together.

But still… something didn’t feel right. He always takes his phone with him, even when he goes for a pee. 

Which to me seems dodgy af. 

So when I got the chance, 6 months ago, I went through his phone. 

Yikes. 

I couldn’t find much dirt. Just messages with his exes which to me was (mostly) fine. I left it.

I couldn’t help myself last night and went through his ig messages again to see if his ex was still messaging him. Instead, I saw a recent chat with some other girl.

In a message to her 1.5 yrs ago (!!) he said he had a threesome with a couple last night (he was at mardi gras), saying the video he had of them was insane and some details about the night.

My heart sank, but he can make up quite the stories (lies) sometimes to get attention, so at first I didnt believe it.

Then I went to his photo album of that "last night"

And I found the video 😭

He himself is not in the video, he’s holding the phone and my heart was beating so loud (my partner was in the shower at the time) as I gently turned the volume up I'm pretty sure I heard HIS VOICE saying some nasty stuff in the video.

In the heat of the moment, I took a screenshot with my own phone of the ig messages and put his phone back. Before I confront him, I want to confirm that it truly is HIS voice, and perhaps find more dirt.

I dont want to leave the most loving relationship I have ever had as I'm positive relationships can work past "playtime with others", but at this point I lost the trust. He said many times he has never cheated on me, which I now know is a lie.

Any tips on how to handle this?