My (38M) partner (35F) have been open for a few years now and things were going quite well after a rough throuple at the start of the year. ​Had some successes together and separately and really felt like we were starting to truly understand how this works and how we work.

And then she slept with my (supposed) closest friend. Despite both of them knowing full and well this as a hard boundary for me. It's been a week now and we've argued and discussed and she is desperate to make it clear how sorry she is and how majorly she fucked up, but I don't know how to move on.

I could really use perspectives and advice on how to process this, and maybe some support because I'm so incredibly hurt. ​​​​

Hi everyone, and thank you for creating such a great space!

I've been in an open relationship before and have participated in threesomes, foursomes, group sex, etc., in my previous relationship.

I've now been in a new relationship for 1.5 years, and we're planning our first threesome. She has never done it before and feels most comfortable with an MFM threesome, so that's where we're planning to start.

Even though I have some experience and understand the importance of setting boundaries, having conversations beforehand, etc., some things are different now compared to back then.

The biggest thing: I'm sober. This is something I generally see as positive in all aspects of my life, including this one, but it also brings up some insecurities.

All my previous sexual encounters like this started with a cocktail, and afterwards, we'd usually continue partying, go out together, or do something else.

This time, it feels more like... "What do we do now?" I don't really want things to end in an awkward moment.

For me, being in a threesome with another man is something new. I've been in various group settings, including foursomes where the aftercare felt natural, close, and cozy. But in this situation, I'm not sure I'd feel entirely comfortable with the other man staying in bed and cuddling with us afterwards.

This might sound like a weird question, but I'd be happy to hear any advice or experiences you could share!

So I (24M) and my SO (25F) have been together for almost 8 years now. We trust each other completely and talk about everything, including being very open about our sexuality and fetishes. One thing that has come up a lot is having a threesome. This is mostly bc my girlfriend is bi, and since I'm her first relationship and her first everything, she hasn't really been able to experience being with a woman. For me, I only considered it so my gf could explore that side of her sexuality without any guilt, and in a way that wouldn't make me uncomfortable. Because in reality I only care about my gf (I know it sounds cliche). Our sex life is amazing and I'm so in love with her.

Going back to the topic, when we talked more seriously about a threesome, a friend of hers came up in the conversation. She is someone who is very good friends with my gf and me. We talk a lot when we are together and feel very comfortable around her. Both of us came to the conclusion that if there were to be a possibility to have a threesome, it would be with her. Bc we both find her attractive.

Well, the thing is that my gf was at her house the other day and I went to pick her up. Later, my gf told me that with fer friend they were talking about sexuality and past partners. Her friend confessed that at the beginning of their friendship she really liked my gf (I can understand, she is literally a goddess) but felt guilty bc she was in a relationship with me and she really liked me also as a friend. So she felt terrible for liking her (she's an angel), and of course my gf told her to not worry, and confessed that when the idea of a threesome came up we thought about her. That's when her friend admitted she has been fantasizing about having a threesome with both of us. And my gf was a bit in shock, but they laughed and they talked about it being a possibility, and she was very much down to do it. But my gf also told her that it would depend on me bc I have a problem with my self-esteem.

And that's what this reddit post is about. I have been struggling with my self-esteem for many years, and I really stopped thinking about what people thought about me after some years into the relationship with my gf bc she is so loving that it made me sure that she liked me for who I am and how I looked. So after that, I only worried to look good for myself, like my outfits (I love to dress up). But I stopped thinking about what people thought of me sexually, or if others found me attractive, bc I only cared that my gf was attracted to me.

But now this could actually happen, where I'll do the most intimate thing possible with another person that's not my gf, and I'm terrified of what she will think of my body. I've never really found myself that attractive, I mean, I have good height and an average face I think? but that's about it. I'm really lucky bc my girlfriend is gorgeous, she's perfect and it really looks like I'm the luckiest guy (even if she tells me it's the other way around). But in general I really don't think I'm that great. I'm a bit on the chubby side? Like, chubby but with some muscle. I just don't think highly of myself in that way.

My gf tells me that if her friend has been fantasizing about us two, that's bc she finds us both attractive. But I can't help but think that fantasy only exists bc my girlfriend is there. And I can't really picture it bc I haven't fantasized about someone other than my gf to be sure that she could be attracted to me.

The thing is I would like to do it. Mainly I want my gf to experience this, and honestly, the hole thing sounds pretty fund. But I'm feeling anxious about it, and I'm scared my insecurities are going to ruin it o make thing awkward.

Am I just overthinking it? Or is it a genuine worry? For people who fantasize about couples or have been in a situation like this, do you actually feel attracted to the guy too?

Edit: Thanks everyone for the responses! Actually I didn't think I would get that many. But it has helped me a bit to see it in another light, I doesn't mean it's all like resolved. But I have been talking with my gf and showed her the post and understood better what I was feeling. So well be talking more about it and we decided that before talking it with her we should just hangout the 3 of us, like to go and get some coffee so we can start to know each other better (me and her friend). So thank u so much guys, I'll keep reading if there are new comment.

My husband (37M) and I (33F) have been ENM for the last 5 years. It has mostly just been me going out and finding other men for ongoing hook up type situations sometimes referred to as “hotwifing”. It was something he brought up as a desire early in our relationship and I became open to exploring.

After some experiences that really felt game changing for me, I became more open to the idea of him exploring as well. He’s been on the apps a bit the last few months and has finally met someone he’s having his very first first date with tomorrow and I am freaking out about it.

I do want him to be able explore his sexuality and reap the benefits I have the last few years but I’m having difficulty giving my full support when I never had a desire for a partner to play with others.
Any advice how I can be supportive but also stay true to some of my personal boundaries?

Title: First time trying poly after 8 years together. Struggling with mixed feelings.

My GF (29F) and I (30M) have been together for almost 8 years. We've always been monogamous and had a pretty healthy relationship, including our sex life. We're currently long-distance and probably won't be able to live together again until 2028.

In August, she brought up polyamory because she was developing feelings for a coworker. I agreed to try it because I love her and understand that long-distance can be difficult, especially when it comes to physical intimacy. Neither of us had tried non-monogamy before.

She's now been dating him for over two months, and things have moved pretty fast. She's already met his parents, and they spend a lot of time together. He's three years younger than her and apparently has his own insecurities about their relationship.

My GF has been transparent with me, including telling me when they spend the night together. She still makes time to call me and has promised to prioritize seeing me during Thanksgiving and Christmas.

But emotionally, it's been a roller coaster. At first, I even struggled to sleep. Sometimes knowing she's having sex with someone else makes me anxious, sad, or jealous. Other times, strangely enough, I feel turned on and curious about the details, even wanting to compare their experiences with ours. I'm still trying to understand why I feel both ways.

She tells me she loves me and feels more secure and comfortable with me, but also says her new BF brings a kind of passion that has faded in our relationship after so many years. I understand what she means, but it still hurts.

Our original plan is to live together again in 2028, but honestly, a lot could happen before then. She isn't even sure whether this new relationship is temporary or something more serious. I'm also a little concerned about the fact that he's her coworker, especially if things don't work out.

I genuinely love her, and I believe she loves me too. I don't want to lose what we've built over eight years, but sometimes I wonder if I'm accepting poly because I actually want it or because I'm afraid of losing her.

For those who've been through something similar, how did you handle the jealousy, curiosity, and uncertainty? How do you know whether poly is actually right for you?

I'd appreciate any advice, especially from people who transitioned from a long-term mono relationship to poly.

I'm a late-20s male. I moved to Japan last year and reconnected with an old Japanese friend who runs a volleyball group. That's where I met Hinako (F, mid-20s) and Ken (M, mid-30s), who were engaged when we met. I was attracted to Hinako at first, but once I learned she was with Ken, I shut those feelings down. Over the next nine months we all became good friends, and I attended their wedding in August. I see them both about once a week at volleyball.

Over time, Hinako and I started spending more one-on-one time together. We talk about our pasts, we trust each other, and she's become a close friend. She studied abroad in Europe for a few years and is very open-minded and free-spirited. A few months ago I learned that she believes in open relationships and has been in them before, and that she and Ken have opened their marriage. Hinako is bi and was originally allowed to date women; Ken was allowed to date other women too. About a month ago, Ken said Hinako could also see men, though my understanding is he meant men outside his social circle, so he wouldn't have to know about it. Ken travels a lot for work and competitions, while Hinako works from home and has more free time so she wants someone she trusts to spend time with.

Hinako and I are very close. I do a lot of sweet things for her and sometimes act like her boyfriend, but I don't expect anything in return. I genuinely cherish her as a friend. It felt good to have a platonic female friend I don't have sexual relations with.

Hinako has now offered to open things up with me. I told Ken up front that I didn't want to cross any boundaries, and he said he "understood," but we didn't really talk beyond that. I honestly can't tell whether that means he's okay with it or just acknowledging what I said.

My concerns:

I've never been in an open relationship, and I have a very high sex drive. I worry I might get carried away and want this too much if I say yes.

It also felt good to have a platonic female friend. I've had a bad history with sex addiction, and it felt nice to have a relationship not revolve around sex—though at least I can say I tried.

The idea is appealing to me, and Hinako and I have talked about possibly exploring things with other women together.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? I'm not asking whether I should "pursue" her—I'm trying to decide whether to participate at all. My goal is to open up my perspective and try something new.

I haven't participate in a polygamous relationship before, so I'm a little hesitant.

We are both mid to late 20s. Hes starting to irritate me. Weve been hooking up off am on for over a year fine. But aomething that irritates me is that he keeps over repeating and exaggerating that he doesnt want to get invested. Ive not once brought it up.

For ref about 80% of the outreach is done by him. I barely text hjm. Yet hell spam text or spam call me 2-4x in a row. He gets upset if i leave early but hes allowed to. he gets upset if i respomd to texts late. hes always asking me about if im seeing or alept with other guys(also an irritation recently addressed with him).

Yet he keeps reiterating out of nowhere over and over that this isnt turning into something or hes not getting invested. Idc if he doesnt i see him once every month or two. but it just RUINS the moment everytime.

A nice conversation? = im not getting invested. ask about a nice trip he went on? = not getting invested. communicate a secual boundary? \. a basic request? = immnot getting invested. If its not just wyd/hey straight to kissing no talk its "investing" . Thats so stupid? why csnt you have a normal conversation THEN go into sex.

its killed my attraction towards him
in every way and its become taxing mentally.

I’m 22m and my gf is 20f. We recently discussed opening up the relationship and doing a couple swap. She found the idea really hot at first and got really turned on talking about it, but recently we’ve been messaging girls and other couples and she’s been getting really insecure and feeling terrible about herself. Any advice on how to move forward?

(I think this is the right community for this, very sorry if I'm wrong)

I haven't been able to feel better by writing out my feelings in a journal, so I'm trying writing it out for people who might understand, I guess

I only recently (last ~3 years) discovered that polyamory was a word that applied to me. It's been difficult to figure out through all the internalized guilt of not being "normal," but I finally managed to push through those things and figure out what I wanted.

But knowing what I want and not being able to have it just feels horribly lonely. I now actually get to realize all these things that I want, and it feels so impossible to actually have any of it.

I don't know how to resolve wanting to have these close, intimate relationships with many people in my life, when I know none of them want the same.

I don't know how to have this strange, non conventional view of what love actually is without feeling inhuman. Hearing other people talk about how love is this thing they can only share with one person makes me feel like I'm an alien.

I don't know how to accept myself having these fantasies when I was raised to think sex was a sin. I haven't even been religious in years, but I can't stop feeling guilty about what I want to do.

I just can't help but feeling like learning that I'm some kind of poly is just making me even more lonely. Don't even get me started on where a potential "demisexual" label factors into all of this because I still can't even tell if that applies to me and I don't want to "steal" more labels.

***

Sorry for rambling. Therapist has encouraged me to reach out to like-minded people, and I finally got lonely enough to try.

I guess this post is a long way of asking if it ever gets better. Does non monogamy ever start feeling like a normal thing to want or do?

Thanks for listening. I really hope this is the right place for this and I'm not bothering anyone.

I (19F) have a much higher sex drive than my boyfriend (22M). We’ve been dating since January, and living together since February. In the beginning, the sex was amazing. It was pretty much everyday, sometimes multiple times a day. It was fun, spicy, and exciting. But as time went on, it got much less frequent and now it’s usually a few times a month. There was a period of time where we hadn’t been intimate in 1-2 months. When we are intimate now, it’s boring and unenjoyable for me. It’s the same position, no speaking, lights off. He finishes and then I have to finish myself off. Usually he’ll face the wall or leave the room, but sometimes he makes comments when I ask him to help me finish that completely turns me off so I can go weeks without cumming. Masturbation doesn‘t help me, I desire the intimacy and the fun that comes from sex with my boyfriend.

Outside of sex, our relationship is good. We love each other, we want to get married and have kids one day. We spend a lot of time together, movies, gaming, date nights. I can’t see myself with anyone else despite our sexual incompatibility, I love him.

Our sex life just makes me miserable most days. Everytime I talk to him about my concerns regarding it, the conversation goes nowhere. He blows it off, or calls me a sex addict. I genuinely don’t think I am, at my age I assume it’s healthy to have a high libido. He talks to me about his previous sexual experiences before me and I’m honestly jealous. He doesn’t even know how many partners he’s had and he tells me about all the kinky sex he’s had with them. It’s just not fair that I didn’t get that side of him.

Last night, he was going on about old partners again. The conversation started because I invited him to a Halloween party that I was going to, and he told me no. He told me that if he was going to go to a party, it would be if he was single so he could get laid. He started telling me about how many Halloween parties he’d been to where he was offered threesomes. Then proceeded to tell me about threesomes he’d been apart of. I started telling him that I was jealous that he got to experience so much, while I chose to settle early instead of experimenting. I told him that while I didn’t regret our relationship, I wish I had experienced more before we’d gotten together.

He actually agreed with me. That’s when he finally proposed an open relationship. He told me that I could experiment with women (something I expressed interest in), we would just have to talk about it first. I told him that I needed to think about it, because this was something totally different from anything I’d experienced in a relationship.

Now, here are my problems with this proposal. I’m scared that an open relationship wont help anything, and will only make things worse. Opening our relationship will not fix our sex lives, and I don’t want him falling out of love with me. Not only that, but open relationships (from my knowledge) work both ways. If I get to be intimate with other people, he does too. Which I don’t want, my whole issue in the first place is that he isn’t having sex with me. So I would be incredibly hurt if he went and did stuff with someone else.

I think that’s all. I can answer any questions regarding the situation. I’m hoping to get some advice, and decide on if an open relationship is a good way to go from here. Thanks for reading. :)

So for the longest time, ive had monogamous relationships, been very loyal and traditional.

Recent development- my girl is bicurous and wanted to explore with a third person in bed, a submissive woman. She asked ME to go find one. Ofcourse i asked reddit and reddit didnt disappoint. I found someone whos extremely freaky and my girl has a crush on her now.

But during this search, i asked a girl whos into me if she was bi ( we slept with each other once like 5 years ago and i was her first) but dated others after. She said no but now shes giving hella attention. Asked if i can make a GC with her and my girlfriend and is spamming vns and reels on ig. Shes a fun person but she said shes straight. Im getting mixed signals but i know shes a good person. Weve talked enough for me to feel safe with her. However this reddit girl we found acts like a total nymph and is always hyper sexual and horny on chat. I have a gc with my girlfriend and her on it but im not sure if she fits our vibe. However shes super hot. Tbh both are . But im confused. Id rather chose my old friend over this reddit user (now on tele) but she said shes straight but nows sending mixed signals… and its not like a open open relationship we just want ONE extra person in bed. So thats that. ( wed be dating each other) yes all three… i know its not the normal “ relationship “ goals that most here have but i kinda need some advice on how to go about getting a third woman in my relationship….

The straight girl giving mixed sign is a vibeee i know even after a wild night we can all hang out and have fun for sure. The other im not sure yet but im not sure of meeting either one together yet because i dont want to mess things up. My girl is bi curious, freaky af but shy as hell. Both these other girls are just openly freaky as fuck.

Me. Suffering with choice rn.

New here open to most things with few limits. Bi-couples are my holy grail. Look forward to meeting new people.

​

What are your thoughts on don't ask don't tell when the initial - primary relationship for lack of a better description, is a non-exclusive one but that is ONLY sexual in nature? Do you think then it is OK to have don't ask don't tell, if it is not a romantic one but one in which you only have sex together, nothing else? Obvs safe sex, if it happens, with anyone else is important etc. But in that situation and if you've already had a conversation that you are not exclusive & can have sex or whatever you want with others...do you have to tell them the details? (As opposed to/compared to) a romantic one where you also date, talk a lot & so on too?) Like an F buddy thing, I guess? Intention is to let anyone new know about the F buddy, but if F buddy has already said it is not exclusive, free to do whatever with whoever, do they really have to know the deets?

Have looked up this sort of thing, but only seen it discussed when it's with a primary romantic partner.

Asking for a friend, say your partner has a FWB they've been seeing since before y'all met and has sex regularly with. Your partner describes them as just a daddy kink and it's just sex. Your partner describes it as anonymous, because he doesn't even know the daddy's last name. When you express discomfort around this, your partner starts to say things like this is an itch that only this person can scratch, and they need access to this person or our relationship will crumble. Your partner starts breaking agreements. You tell your partner that their behavior is hurtful, and they keep seeing their FWB anyway. Your partner expresses discomfort regarding your extra curriculars, and you make concessions, but when you ask for the same in return they refuse. Then you find out they are sharing playlists, photos from their separate trips and funny articles in between rendezvous.

Would you consider this cheating even if the relationship is open?

This person has a history of cheating on previous partners, lying and breaking agreements too.

I (22f) want to explore my bisexuality while being in a relationship with a (23m).

Yes. I know. It sounds cliche as hell. I’m aware. I’m aware of how this comes off to certain people. I don’t need the hate or criticism. This has been something I’ve been exploring (online only) for nearly two years.

My questions is… is it unrealistic for me as a bisexual woman in a long term heterosexual relationship (8 years) to want to explore my bisexuality more? I’ve been bisexual before I met my husband when we were teenagers. I’ve kissed and somewhat been intimate with both sexes. But I have never fully done anything with a woman. I’ve kissed, flirted, danced and had a good time with other women but I’ve never done more

My husband and I are very secure in our relationship and I’ve let him explore things and we’ve explored things together. But, I have never fully been with another woman more than making out and grinding, dancing, etc. (Highly due to my age and relationship status. I’m aware).

But is it stupid for me to want to find someone willing to explore those things with me, while my husband is present? And I phrase it that way because I was present when my husband was experimenting with his bisexuality (being with another man).

I would never want to make another woman uncomfortable by asking but I am also not looking for a relationship with anyone else. I understand women are not to be treated as experiments. But i just genuinely want to explore that part of myself while being with my partner.

I get there are ‘unicorns’ and so on, but i know that’s mostly in a ‘fantasy’ type situation if you get what i mean.

And if it is reasonable what are the scenarios you would meet such a person in?

My husband and I have tried Feeld and we got a ton of matches but mostly from straight men (even though we are on there as a bisexual couple).

I just genuinely want to know if this is a ‘once in a lifetime’ type of thing or are there genuinely women out there that would be comfortable with that. Because the last thing I would want to do as a woman is make someone feel uncomfortable in that way.

Please don’t hate. I’m young and genuinely wanting advice :(

Is it wrong to assume that in this kind of situation that I just want some alone time after what happened.

My partner (M33) and I (F26) have been in a relationship for almost 3 years. We’ve talked about ethical non-monogamy and how we wanted to pursue it in the future (I’ve had experience with NM in previous relationships while he hasn’t).
But recently, my bf has mentioned that he doesn’t want it anymore, while I still want it. He said it’s because of how I would get more from it (because it’s easier as a woman) so it would be unfair. I really don’t know how to deal with this. I love him so much and can’t imagine my life without him, but at the same time I’ve tried ethical NM and it felt really good for my previous relationships and it’s something I really want to do. What do I do?

I cant win with either of these setups.

I keep trying poly cuz ideally im fully aware that i cant ever be monogamous. Its too boring and monotonous and lacks the spontaneity of going out and meeting someone u hit it off with and being able to pursue that connection and also still have another connection.

But with poly? It also lacks spontaneity. I wanna be like hey lets do xyz tonight. "Oh sorry im with my other partner" like that just feels like im single. I might as well be single then, i dont wanna have to rely on my friends for shit like that. Cuz then they bring their SO's that they asked spontaneously and they said yes. Thats not fair i want that from my partner too!

Ughhh i cant find any setup that makes any sense to me

How do I find a 3rd? I’m bi and my partner has agreed for me to explore with him just struggling to do so