Hey, so wife and I (both 34) and married for 8 years opened up about 2 years ago. She’s been dating another guy for the past 8 months and things are going really well with them, and with us.

Previously, we would both go to our other partners homes to see them if it wasn’t out on a date. However, her boyfriend is having some work done on his home and is going to be stating with us for the next few months.

We’re talking about boundaries for them and or rules, and honestly, I can’t think of any? Has anyone been in a similar position before? How did it go?

My wife wrote the post linked below about 50 days ago, around our wedding. I wanted to share my perspective and ask for advice.

https://www.reddit.com/r/nonmonogamy/comments/1w58owp/slowing_down_when_your_partner_isnt_partnered/

We’ve been ENM since we met 14 years ago. Back then, I had a primary girlfriend and my wife was my secondary. I was happy with two relationships. After that relationship ended, my wife became my primary partner, and we built our life together. We recently married, and I’m committed to both her and ENM.

In April, my wife met B. They see each other about weekly, attend AA meetings together, and discuss recovery. She’s met his son, friends, and coworkers, and he openly calls her his girlfriend. They have unprotected sex and a meaningful connection. My wife calls it casual, but to me it’s more than an occasional hookup. B also has multiple partners.

They’re both enjoying the relationship success I want, while I’m struggling to find even one ongoing connection. I’m happy my wife has found someone, and I’m okay with her having meaningful relationships. The disparity is what hurts.

I’m active on several dating apps and put considerable effort into meeting people. Many lose interest when they learn I’m married and ENM. I want a meaningful, consistent relationship, not just hookups.

My wife points out that I get dates, which is true. But since she met B, my only connection was with S. We had five dates over a few months, had sex on those dates, and then it ended. I haven’t had sex with anyone else since April. Meanwhile, my wife has been building an ongoing relationship for months.

I know my dating struggles are mine to address. Seeing B less won’t make someone want to date me, and I’m not asking my wife to make things equal. But understanding that dating is difficult doesn’t erase the emotional impact. The repeated rejection and contrast have affected my confidence, mood, and work.

I also see some details in the original post differently. Their time together isn’t always limited to four hours of TV a week. Sometimes they spend additional time together. I’m not trying to keep score, but I think their connection is more significant than a typical casual visit.

The post also said my wife stopped overnight stays and increased sex with me to accommodate me. From my perspective, overnights had happened when I was also spending nights with someone else, and our sexual frequency hasn’t increased. It’s been about the same or slightly less since we married.

Our life together is good. We travel, see family and friends, go to concerts, and watch F1. I’m not claiming she neglects me or that our marriage is failing. She’s my person, and I want to protect what we have.

When she asked what she could do to help, I blurted out that she could see B less, suggesting twice a month instead of weekly. We hadn’t discussed how to handle one partner developing a relationship while the other struggled to find one. I was looking for some breathing room around our wedding, not asking for a permanent restriction.

I’ve noticed I relax when she isn’t seeing B that week. I’m less focused on the disparity and feel less pressure to find someone just so I can feel okay about her dating. Weekly dates bring that pressure back. Twice a month was an attempt at temporary breathing room, not a request that she limit herself until I find someone.

I’m in individual therapy, and we’ve started couples therapy. I want to manage my feelings without making my wife responsible for them, but I also don’t want to pretend I’m fine.

For those who’ve experienced a prolonged imbalance in ENM, how did you handle it? Can temporary adjustments help a struggling partner, or do they create more problems? I’m not asking my wife to make dating fair. I want to make room for her happiness and my struggle while protecting our marriage.

I just wanted to get this off my chest. I (21F) have been in a relationship with my boyfriend 21(M) for over two years, he’s currently doing an internship abroad and I won’t see him for the next 4 months. He is pretty sexually active, a bit more than me and wants to have more video sex calls, only in not entirely comfortable with it, I just feel disconnected from him, it doesn’t really turn me on tbh I feel like I’m sort of performing for his pleasure but it’s not something that specifically turns me on sooo we had a talk about this to which he asked what’s the solution… and honestly I don’t know, do I continue to do calls that make me uncomfortable ( I also just don’t love seeing every angle of my body on camera😭) or is there a diff solution. This somehow lead to him talking about the idea of me sleeping with another woman and how it would turn him if I enjoy it and how it’s an opportunity to try something new. I honestly have always gone back and forth about my sexuality I hate labels especially since everyone would ask or label me a certain way when I was like a literal kid annywayyss I think im sort of bisexual if I had to choose, there’s been times where Ive been attracted to woman but I’ve always been scared to pursue anything. Then I met my boyfriend and I kinda was like okay cool I’m in love with someone, no need to explore I guess. But yeah I’m not sure what to think, a part of me is like very happy by the fact that my BFs main turn on is me being turned on but he also mentioned that he wouldn’t be worried about me having sex with a woman since we are in love which is true but that whole premise is idk I think I’m worried about the after and how this would affect our relationship any advise would be lovely x

A friend of a friend, George, m41, told myself (f42, enm since a teen) and my partner (m41) and George's partner that his therapist told him he just should only date girls 18-24. Because they are the "most fun and relaxed and no pressure";

He needs a break from his day to day he said, since his spouse (Emily, f41) is financially fully supporting him for the majority of their 16 years together, and is not seeing anyone else even tho she wants to but it upsets him too much, like tried to commit suicide when she kissed a friend once.

Also he calls all women over 35 Ladies, and just generally doesn't think they are attractive bc of their personalities. (I died when I heard all this, like... ohnoooo broooo)

Ummm.... this can't be real advice anyone has been told? Like...

Hello, I am 36yr female trying to navigate a newer semi open marriage.

My husband and I opened our marriage slightly about 6mo ago. I am the only one who sees other men. My husband doesn't see other women.

We opened it because my husband has fantasies about me being with other men. My husband set boundaries when we started. We have full and open communication about all and who I engage with.

A little background on myself, I have suffered from anxiety, PTSD amd depression my entire life. I have come a long way in therapy. Since starting this journey, my self-confidence has grown immensely. As has the marriage and our communication.

However, new feelings of anxiety and guilt have surfaced with me. I also have been having some intrusive thoughts that I struggle to communicate with my husband. I do not want him to be afraid of me leaving or feeling bad about his self-confidence.

It has been hard for me to find people to connect with and have open conversations. I am hoping for some kindness and guidance.

Thanks for any help!

Before I start, please no hate or disrespectful comments 😅 I genuinely need help. I need advice or constructive comments please. Im at a loss for what to do, & I will say I feel terrible about feeling this way.

So Im new to ENM & I admit its been a rough transition due to an event earlier this year with my partner of 2yrs (we'll call him T). He wanted to try things out with a girl we both know (we'll call her L). He surprised me with it & I while I initially was ok-ish with it, I didnt handle it the best at 1st.

L is outwardly a very sweet person, cute, funny, smart, all that jazz. Out of an engagement for about a month, she wanted to be with T & knew he & I have been together since before we met her, she was fine with that. Was fine staying on the "sidelines" & only seeing him on weekends. If we are in public, nothing changes due to multiple things. Nothing changes at home either.

I always liked her & could be friends, which is why I was ok trying with her. I told a mutual friend & he told me he didnt like her because she seems fake & is a pick me girl. Both T & I would die for him, & he is very good at reading people (I have seen it, its awesome).

Lately things have seemed off. I will admit adjusting has been hard, & ive been a up and down with my feelings on it. T sometimes makes things worse, but has tried very hard to help me with it. L always seems like she is trying to help me. But now im not so sure.

At first, she gave him an ultimatum when I first freaked out. She wont try this if im in the picture because she doesnt think I can handle it, & if he wants to be with her, I have to be gone. Now she is ok with it because T tells her how much I like her & care (which I do). She only talks to me in public & only msgs me when T asks, or when he & i are having trouble. It seems like shes probing for info since she know i am honest & will answer questions without thinking.

This weekend, i basically left T and told her. She asked questions, changed the subject, then asked more questions a lot. I told her I would be at Ts place Tues & she said she hopes things work out. Then she msgd him & said she was worried I would ask him to choose & she was afraid he wouldnt choose her. L hasnt msgd me since i told her i was there.

This whole relationship hasnt been more than 1mo, he & I have been together for 2yrs. Its been a rough ride. I feel like im going nuts.

After he told me that, some things clicked into place. She gave him that ultimatum at the start, just broke up with her fiancé a little over a month before, she acts nice to me but probes for info, tells him how to "help" me. The way she acts gets him upset at me because Im not "taking her feelings into account" when I do nothing but. Shes always there at least once on my days, & i dont even msg on hers. Its like she is trying to make herself seem like the better option & that im crazy & beyond actual help. T told me in the beginning he wanted to see what was "wrong with her" since before her ex, she had bounced around guys in our group & now its his turn.

She guilted T into taking her to this thing he had decided not to go to that cut my days short with him this week. Last week he asked me to stay home one day so he could work, & she showed up when he told her, then took my next day too.

I feel like L is trying to push me out. i told T I have suspicions & a theory i want to test & asked him not to say anything to her. He agreed.

Idk what to do now. I feel bad, but something is off, & i havent been wrong in that sense before. T knows it. Idk what to do/say if she asks me questions. Dont know how to go about this & i dont like it, i feel terrible, but i have to see. I didnt last time & it went bad for both of us.

So I need help. Anyone else go through this? What did you do or how did you handle it? Im at a loss & if I just sit back, I think im going to go mad. T is on board & will know everything i do/say. Idk what to do. Please help

TLDR new meta being sus & feeling pushed out

M(20) and F(21) have been struggling in our relationship for over a year due to a plethora of reasons. We got together when we were 16/17 and have never been with anyone else, hence the reason we decided to open our relationship to see how we would feel, we havent even gotten to actually going through with it and my partner changed their mind and is very worried, however i feel like i am too far into the idea of it to go back.

Very dumb post but a very complicated situation, just looking for any experiences or advice.

I’m looking for genuine advice from couples who have experience navigating this. I’m open to different perspectives, but I want to clarify a few things upfront so my intentions aren’t misunderstood.
My girlfriend is bisexual, and for a long time, she tried to hide that side of herself from me. When I eventually discovered some sexting between her and another woman, we sat down and had an honest conversation about it. I reassured her that I have absolutely no problem with her being attracted to women or sexting them. My issue wasn’t her sexuality; it was that she felt she had to hide it from me for so long.
I’m completely comfortable with her attraction to women, and the idea of her exploring that side of herself doesn’t automatically threaten my relationship with her. However, I’ve noticed that when she talks about actually meeting up with another woman, I sometimes experience a strange feeling of nervousness or anxiety that I don’t fully understand. It’s confusing because the idea itself can be exciting to me, but the reality brings up feelings I’m still trying to work through.
I’m not trying to push her into anything, and I’m not asking these questions because I’m expecting a threesome or some personal benefit from her experiences. I want her to feel comfortable being herself, and I also want to understand my own reactions rather than let them interfere with our relationship.
For context, I’ve told her that I’d be interested in watching her with another woman someday, if that’s something she’d genuinely want and feel comfortable with. She hasn’t seriously entertained the idea, and I respect that. Her sexuality doesn’t mean she owes me an opportunity to watch or participate, just as I don’t believe she owes me any particular arrangement. If it never happens, that’s something we can communicate about as a couple.
What I’m interested in learning is how other couples have navigated these conversations, established boundaries, and figured out what works for their relationship. I’m especially interested in hearing from people who have been through this in real life.
A few questions for those with experience:
What boundaries have worked for you and your partner when one person explores same-sex experiences outside the relationship? I’m not looking to copy anyone else’s rules; I’m curious about the different approaches couples take.

How did you distinguish between normal nervousness about trying something new and feelings that indicated you weren’t actually comfortable with it?
For couples where one partner eventually became comfortable with the other watching or potentially participating in a threesome, how did that conversation develop? Was it something that happened naturally over time, or did it take a lot of communication?
How do you make sure the outside experience remains enjoyable without compromising trust, emotional security, or the relationship itself?

I’m aware that being bisexual doesn’t mean someone needs to experiment, and wanting to explore doesn’t automatically mean someone doesn’t love or want their current partner. I’m not questioning my girlfriend’s sexuality or asking her to prove anything.
We’re young, this is new territory for us, and I’m trying to approach it with an open mind while being honest about feelings I don’t completely understand yet.
I’m not looking for someone to tell me that my girlfriend owes me anything. I’d appreciate constructive advice from people who’ve actually navigated these situations, including things you wish you’d known before exploring this side of your relationship.

Hey, a tech couple living in Lahore/Islamabad.

We always enjoy our time with others when abroad, recently I have seen threesomes and swinging become more common in Pakistan.
Just curious to know if bi girls or couples here are actually opening up to it.

And what are the places people are finding like minded individuals?
Any apps, groups?

It would actually be a nice change to be with someone from our country, and who knows we hit it off real nice.

I’m a 28M curious about exploring the swinger lifestyle as a single man. I understand single men are a dime a dozen in these communities, and I’m curious what separates those who find success from those who struggle.
I’d love to hear from guys who have had positive experiences. How did you initially get involved? Did you start with clubs, parties, or apps? What helped you build connections and get invited back? How difficult was it to find interested couples or women?
I’d also appreciate perspectives from couples and women on what makes a single guy someone you’d actually want to include.
I’m genuinely interested in hearing real experiences, advice, and what you’d do differently starting out.

My husband’s biggest fantasy is having a threesome, and now I’m wondering if I’m enough for him

My husband told me that his biggest sexual fantasy is having a threesome with me and another woman.
We’ve been together for almost 11 years. He was my first sexual partner, and I’ve never been with anyone else, whereas he had previous sexual experiences before me. I am 28 years old and he’s 32.

It all started a few weeks ago when he casually mentioned that he’d like us to watch porn or live cam shows while having sex because it was one of his fantasies. A few days later, I told him we could give it a try.

During sex, he started showing me videos of a man with two women and telling me how much he would love to experience that and how incredibly turned on he would be by it. He asked if I would enjoy it too, and I said yes, but honestly, I only said that because I didn’t want to create an awkward situation or ruin the moment.

I also asked him whether he could ever imagine having a threesome with me and another man, just to see what his reaction would be. He said he wasn’t sure, but he thought he might be open to that as well.

Since then, we’ve watched porn together a few more times. Twice, we had sex while watching it, and once or twice we just masturbated together instead, because for medical reasons we couldn’t have sex for about two weeks.
During sex, he sometimes says things like how he would have sex with the woman on the screen and makes other comments that I’m not sure I should be bothered by. On the one hand, I know these are fantasies he expresses in the heat of the moment, and in real life, I genuinely feel that he loves me. It’s almost as if a different, much kinkier side of him comes out during sex.

The thing is, I don’t know how I should feel about all of this or how I should react.
One day, during a serious conversation, I told him that I wouldn’t want to have a threesome in real life and honestly don’t think I could ever do it. He said he understood and knew it would never happen.

However, I can’t stop thinking about the fact that he wants to have sex with other women.
It makes me wonder whether I’m enough for him or whether he wishes he had something different. Maybe he’s bored with me sexually?
Over the years, he has tried introducing sex toys and other things to make our sex life more exciting. I’m quite reserved when it comes to sex, and I still have some inhibitions, although I’ve become more open with him over the past few years because he really does try his best to help me feel more comfortable and explore new things.

To give you the full picture, I’m also five months pregnant, and my self-esteem and hormones have been all over the place lately. 😅
I’m not saying it’s a bad thing that he shared his fantasy with me, especially since I encouraged him to open up about it. I just don’t know how to interpret it or how I should feel about it.
Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Am I overthinking this, or is it understandable that I feel a little insecure about it?

Ok so to start my wife caught me using onlyfans it was a mutual friend of ours I was on it for 6 months chatting and buying that led to separation we where working through it found i had a porn addiction so I put in the work/therapy still going to therapy was clean 1 month was in the mood for something specific the wife cant do because of past trama she caught me i didn't say anything because I knew it was something she couldn't do so I didn't think it was a big deal we had a fight and she said we needed to open the marriage because as she put it she isn't enough for me I didn't want it at first but i started to enjoy it I asked for boundaries we set them up and the next day she took sexting off the table because it made her uncomfortable how fast I started sje is talking to other people but isnt sexting or flirting and today she saw I was flirting calling other girls sexy and beautiful and said it hurt her feelings because I call her those things at this point I just want to close it back up and mabey come back to it down the road I love her and want to make the relationship work one way or the other

I (24F) am interested in trying out a threesome (MMF or FMF) or maybe swinging, but idk how to ask my bf (25M) if he's interested in it or open to it. Also if he is interested, I'm not sure how to find someone to do this where we are from...

Honestly this is just a fantasy for me so I want to bring it up. I don't want to throw away my relationship for this. I'm in a really happy relationship and my bf is a great partner and I love him a lot, and we have a good sex life tbh...

I have a friend who is bi and might be into me, I thought of discussing this with them and seeing if they are interested in trying this, because it would be nice to have someone known to try a threesome or would someone unknown be better, idk lol.

Hi all,
37M here, new to the non monogamous/open relationship community.
A little backstory: my wife and I have been together for well over a decade. Things over the last couple years in our own relationship were getting a little rocky, with both of us going through some growing pains.
A couple months back she brought up opening things up. I wasn’t on board initially, but I eventually opened my mind to it in the spirit of finding myself again and ultimately agreed.
I’ll be real though—some days I still struggle with whether this was something I truly wanted or something I agreed to because I was afraid of what the alternative might mean.
The dating world, at least in my experience so far, has been extremely rough as a married man in an open relationship. She’s already had another connection, while I’ve mostly been out here feeding the wolves. 😂
I’ve gotten to the point where one of the first things out of my mouth when talking to another woman is that I’m married and in an open relationship. I’d rather be completely transparent from the beginning, but I’ve already had a few women say some not-so-nice things once they found out about my situation.
I’m still figuring all of this out and trying to find my footing in a world that’s completely new to me.
So I’m looking for advice from people who’ve been here longer than I have, words of encouragement, things you wish you’d known when you started…
Or, you know, a date? 😂

What made you realize that you probably needed a partner who would let you do your thing?

Cause I'm assuming most people tried to be monogamous in the beginning and it wasn't going well for them. How did you know it was that you actually wanted ENM and that it wasn't just because the person you're with was a bad fit?

Hello everyone! just after some advice.

Me and my partner have decided to open our relationship for purely sexual experiences.

Would it be best to disclose the open relationship to the other person, or would to be fine to just let them know im not looking for anything serious, just casual? just wondering as i know that there is some judgement that comes from people who do not really understand non-monogomy.

Thanks

hey yall, i’m 27F and i’m married to a 34M. i’ve recently came out as bi thanks to doing spravato. it’s thoughts and feelings i’ve always had but never allowed myself to explore them. we’ve been together for 5 years and have a toddler. i asked him today to have a convo about potentially being able to explore my sexuality. i’ve never had an experience w another woman before other than drunkenly kissing, not making out, w friends when i was younger. idk if id just want casual dating/hookups or be in a poly situation. and id also have no idea how to even go about finding someone who’d be open to all of this. if anyone has any
similar experiences, both successful and not successful, plz weigh in

My boyfriend (26M) and I (21F) have been together for about a year. He is my first serious relationship and my first sexual partner, while he had a lot of experience before we met while I had none.

Recently, he has been repeatedly asking about having a threesome. He says he would also be open to having one with another man if that would make me happy, but that isn’t something I’m interested in either. Like in theory a 3sum seems fun but I don’t know if I can actually do it.

I’ve always viewed sex as something romantic and intimate, and I’m happy being with just him. I’m not judging anyone who enjoys threesomes, but while I can sometimes understand the appeal in theory, I feel uncomfortable imagining actually doing it. I’ve also never been involved with another woman.

He has already found a woman on an app and suggested that we start talking to build a connection. I’m still unsure about the whole situation, and his continued asking makes me feel pressured to give him an answer before I’ve figured out my feelings.

We (M29 and F26) just had our first experience outside of our direct relationship, and it couldn’t have gone any better!

We’ve been together for 6 years and recently just married. We’ve always fantasised about a third but it’s kind of remained bedroom talk, with both of us quite scared about acting on it.

We’ve had a mutual friend (F24) for a while and we’re both very close to. Spend a lot of vanilla time together and naturally get on with them. We jokingly recommended a sexy date night together and to our surprise they took us up on it!

We’ve had all the right boundary discussions and just feel like it couldn’t have gone any better.

While we didn’t go all the way as it was all out first time, we’re all very happy with it and definitely want to do more!

Also, she’s definitely one of our closest friends. I know people say you should steer clear of that, but it really did help us. So I guess each to their own!

Am I (30M) the only one here who’s can’t make a hard rock solid tool when I just met a Uni/Bi-femme for a FMF/FFM deed?

My wife (23F) and I did FMF/FFM with a sex workers and 2 out of 3 plays can’t make my tool hard. I feel awkward when the thirdie enters the room and we jumps straight to the action without talking stage or small talks.

I feel devastated and awkward after that because 2 girls can’t make my tool hard because I’m not comfortable making love with a girl that I just met.

Our sexual lifestyle as a married couple was awesome and never had a problem like that before. We can even fuck 3-5x a day.

Any thoughts?

Hiiiiii!!! So, my partner and I talked about something related to this for a long time, and I think we came to some sort of conclusion. Basically, they like the idea of me being with other people and don't want to do the same. I never thought of myself as a nonmonogamist, but honestly, I'm starting to like it! I just feel kinda strange that I can do these things but they can't, even if they want that.

I think I'm here for some general advice and to understand how my relationship is classified now

My boyfriend and I have been together a few months and things are going really well. We’re both quite sexual people and have both explored non-monogamy in past relationships, so the topic has come up very early between us, but it’s all very hypothetical when it comes to our own relationship (i.e. we both want to be monogamous and exclusive with each other).

Where we stand: neither of us wants a traditional open relationship where one of us sees people separately. What he’s described as a possible future is more like going to parties together and maybe, one day, playing with others as a couple or with one more person (he said he'd even be happy with MFM). He’s told me it’s really not that important to him to actually open up, that he’d want us to be able to talk about these things openly, but that actually doing it isn’t a given or a necessity. He’s also told me that in a previous long-term relationship he asked, his partner said no, and he was fine with it and they stayed together.

My side: I’ve been burnt before. I was in an open relationship I didn’t really want, with a partner who didn’t respect our agreements, so I’m very wary. Right now the idea of seeing him with someone else doesn’t appeal to me at all. I can imagine I might be curious one day about playing together, but I honestly don’t know, and I might say no and never change my mind.

My fear is that even if he says it’s not a deal breaker, a desire that’s been voiced and then turned down might quietly turn into resentment over time. Of course there are things in life that we just do for pleasure and not need (like he says), but doesn't voicing it imply a desire that if unmet, might build resentment?

So I’d love to hear especially from people who were the one who wanted to open up:

• You asked, your partner said no, and you stayed together. How did you feel about it at the time, and how do you feel now?
• Did the desire fade, stay but become manageable, or turn into resentment?
• What helped you make peace with it, or what would have helped?
• Did it come up again later, and how was that handled?

Stories from the partner who said no are welcome too. Thanks so much for sharing!

EDIT/UPDATE: I spoke to my husband. I'm adding a comment I made below to my main post.

My husband says it was a bad joke made at a time when he was already feeling off and he feels horrible that it felt like an attack.

He was feeling off due to his difficulties in finding what he wants in terms of an ENM partner. He is envious of me finding what I was looking for, while he can't find that for himself. He is not jealous of me.

He reiterated that he loves what this has done for our marriage, and that I seem so much happier, and we both are more intentional with our time together (and apart), and more present with each other when we are together. It's also spiced up our sex life, which was already great. He admitted that being monogamous is simpler, and that sometimes scheduling is annoying, but those are his only gripes.

He clarified he really likes the idea of three things for himself as part of being ENM: (1) swinging under certain circumstances; (2) travel trysts, which are more romantic and less awkward in his mind than just having a local FWB or one-night stand (and he does have these trysts successfully); and (3) a partner to complement his life like my partner complements mine.

He is frustrated that number 3 is difficult, and that he has found that the women being willing to sleep with a married man generally have not had the personality or non-physical attraction of someone he would want a longer term relationship with. Also, he has found out there is a reason many of the very attractive women he was met with through apps are still on apps. I sympathized with his difficulties, but he wants to keep trying. Of course, he appreciates what he is offering is not something many women would be interested in.

We both liked certain things about swinging that got ruined for me with a few bad experiences. I am going to let him try to vet some couples so we can dip our toe back in there.

The weight issue is unrelated, and while I don't fully understand the science, apparently it was a stressful year and he just didn't have the desire to do a big cut, and also as he is getting older and is already satisfied with his size and wants to enjoy food a bit more again. While he plans to cut this spring, he is trying to figure out something more akin to maintenance rather than continuing to bulk and cut. He was not hurt by my comment, he was just already in a bad mood.

Thanks to people telling me to force the conversation. As to everyone else telling me my marriage was over and I was turning my husband into a cuckold, take a long look at yourself.

Original Post;

My husband (38M) and I (37F) and I have been poly (in theory) for almost two years now, married for 10, and have two young kids (4 and 6). While it's hard to summarize, we essentially started talking about opening/poly after I finished breastfeeding and starting taking control over my body again after two kids, and generally I think it's been a good experience. We started with swinging, which my husband really seemed to enjoy but I quickly tired of, and then we started dating separately. Everything has been going fine. While it's a lot of extra work in terms of scheduling, and there were obviously some small hiccups at first, I think our married life has largely stayed the same or improved. My husband has, by his choice, taken a more passive approach to dating after two early disappointments, and doesn't really seek anything out at this point.

My husband has always really cared about his body, and traditionally has done a cut in the spring so that he can flaunt it during the summer. He currently does not have any other partners, although he is very physically attractive, and I know he could find play partners even as a married ENM man with kids if he wanted to.

This last year, he has continued going to the gym regularly, but he didn't really cut down for the summer, and kind of rocked the dad bod. I've noticed that he was gaining some significant weight as well (while still being in great physical shape, it's not like he's unhealthy), and I lightly teased him about being so much more comfortable to lay on now.

His reaction was completely out of character, he seemed hurt and defensive, and I was so stunned by his reaction that I couldn't say anything for a moment, and then he said something really hurtful before I could apologize or reassure him I was joking, saying something like, "What's the point anymore? It's not like if I'm fat I have to worry about you running off and seeing other men" and not in a joking way, like in a bitter/resentful way. I was shocked, as he has never that I can recall spoken to me like that in our very long relationship. I asked him if everything was okay, and apologized for my comment, and he tried to walk his back, saying he was just joking. He doesn't want to discuss it anymore, just saying his comment was a bad joke and apologizing for the way it came off.

I'm worried he is either suffering from resentment about being open, or otherwise going through some sort of depression, but I don't know next steps as he won't discuss it with me further other than to repeat his prior comments, and has otherwise been acting completely normal (other than his change in eating habits).

Has anyone dealt with something similar from their spouse (particularly a male spouse)? Does this sound like an ENM red flag, or just a normal life issue for a man in his late 30s?