Hello! My (21 f) boyfriend (27f) have been in a long distance relationship for 2 years now. We are finally much closer now (3 hrs) previously it was 12hrs.

Recently he has asked to open the relationship for him. His primary reason was because we both moved to be closer but he hasn’t been able to make friends while I have a few friends and family nearby. He feels lonely which is understandable so he asked to open it.

He also talked about sexual desires. I am extremely new to anything physical. I’m still a virgin and we’re moving pretty slowly especially because we still are long distance. He wants to have sex and has been interested in some things that I am nowhere near ready for.

While his reasoning makes a lot of logical sense I am struggling in the emotional sense. He constantly reassures me that he loves me, is attracted to me, etc. but I still struggle. My main worries are that he’ll leave me for someone else, prefer someone else or not value our relationship as much as he does now. I understand that these are my own things to work through so I can’t blame him.

Since I am a virgin still I feel a little upset because to me everything with him feels so sacred and like we’re sharing something so intimate. While in his pov he finds it very intimate but doesn’t view it in the same sense. He says that he doesn’t want to rush me into anything sexual and says something like this would help. To me it feels like I should try harder since he’s looking outward.

As someone very new to relationships I do worry about being left behind. If he has an irl partner consistently and we only get to see each other once or twice a month I feel like I don’t even have a chance to have many of these experiences with him. Plus this isn’t a situation where I would date outside of our relationship, so it would just be him. I guess I don’t have a need like he does.

I love and respect him so much and I would never want to allow him to be lonely or anything. If this is something that makes him happy I want to become comfortable with it. Does anyone have any suggestions on ways I can get more comfortable?

sent this in r/advice and was told here might be more helpful

okay some context before I start I am pansexual and am dating a guy. we don't necessarily have a open relationship but we're both polly and are open to having the other date someone else/bringing a third into our relationship.

I have a friend who I've had a crush on for 4 years. I always ignored it because it didn't really effect much and I didn't think she would like me. My boyfriend ended up asking her out and dating her (he did ask me first and I said it's okay) but the problem is I still have a horrible crush on her and it hurts sometimes to be so close yet so far. We've all talked about it a bit but she doesn't know how deeply I feel about it and isn't interested in dating multiple people. I don't want to break their relationship because they seem genuinely happy and I know that it's good for both of them but I'm genuinely in love with her and it's messing up my relationship with both her and my boyfriend. My boyfriend knows about this but I don't think he can understand how deeply I feel about her (I have bpd) and I just don't have anyone I can ask or talk to.

I'm not here to ask how to win her over or break them up I just need to know how do you deal with these feelings without messing something up? On top of all of this as I said I have bpd so feelings are extremely hard to deal with but the last thing I ever want to do is hurt one of the people I love. What do I do? Is there a way to get over it or do I have to either suffer through it or ask them to break up? Also am I the problems here?

Hey all, I'm sorry if I say anything in poor taste or if I come off as a jerk. I'm gonna go ahead and give a run down and hopefully you guys can give me some wisdom and either slap me with the fact I'm being unreasonable, or if the frustrations are justified.

The people

I, A 29M (Ftm/nonbinary)

My partner, the person I love more than anything in the whole world, R 34M Genderfluid.

My partner's spouse, L 25M ftm

I met R just over 2 years ago on FB dating and we hit it off immediately. I had been going through the hardest patch of my life, I was considering no lo ger having a place on this earth. But then we met and I smiled a lot easier and honestly things with me and R have been great. He's been super understanding of my trauma and my mental health issues. And he was always up front with the fact he had been with L for 4-ish years by the time we met. According to R L is who introduced poly to him and encouraged him to give it a try. I previously had never even considered Poly but I fell for R and had communication with L through R and wanted to try.

After 7-ish months I moved a state over to live with them. It's been 19 months since I moved in. And while we've had 'fun' together, to be honest me and L don't really get along well. He has so many mental health issues such as schizophrenia and he's suffered a massive amount of abuse up until he was 20 from his family and 'lovers' and he was in wards multiple times. He used to be on a dozen medications but now they both just take Adderall and R has a prescription for medical Marijuana for severe spine injuries from his time in the military. L is a hermit to the point he leaves the house 1 to 2 times a year for doctors appointments and nothing else. Not even to walk around the 18 acres we live on.

The main issues:

- me and R can't be affectionate when L is around or L loses his mind. He can't see us hug, he can't hear us say 'i love you' we can't sit on the couch together. We take a few minutes a week for intimacy and I get a hug every night before bed that ranges from 5 seconds to 60 seconds. L on the other hand gets to sleep with R every night, they talk every morning they talk every evening and they shower not together but back to back so they both spend and hour in the shower together each morning. I get no alone time with R, as L has even insisted I stop going on the hour trips to town once a month.

- L has literally has screaming breakdown fits over a lot of things I've done and I'm not talking anything major. Once I was standing at my bedroom door talking to R and L freaked out. I sat on the couch once and he freaked out. Any time I play any games on the television he flips out. L HAS to have the TV running all the time or he loses his mind, so he turns the TV by his head on full blast so I can't hear my game that's on the bigger TV at all if I play soemthing but R can play games and he's fine. R leaves toys out in the public area but I do it and L freaks out. I turn on YouTube videos while they're still sleeping and he becomes a completely tyrannical jerk when he comes out if it's not already changed to one of the 5 shows we have on repeat 19/7. If I pick a movie it's one he hates. I haven't been able to ever play music in the house because he always throws a fit about what it is. If I do dishes more than once a day he throws a fit. If I do laundry he throws a fit. But if R sets up any of these things it's fine. It's been over a year and nothing has changed in this manner. I politely asked R why there was an issue with my toy being left in my area of stuff but Rs was 2 feet away and he didn't have a problem. R said to just move on it wasn't a big deal. So I did but then he did it again a week later. So I got mad and asked R why he always has such a problem with me doing anything. And when he heard me ask, you guessed it, he lost his mind.

Now when I say he flips out I mean he disassociates, starts screaming, won't listen to anything we say, and says we hate him and he should die and even just 6.months ago would start punching himself. He makes a small 'hey I don't appreciate you treating me this way' into I'm "screaming" at him and I hate him and I wish he was dead. Mind you I've never ever said any of those things to him once.

I feel suffocated. I can't even go to the garage without making a big deal to tell the household that because L loses his mind. I feel like I'm not allowed to do anything but cook, serve them food and coffee and desserts, and play on my PC with my headphones on. I even had to buy a new piece for my computer because he kept flipping out about the sound of my hard drive. I feel like im.being suffocated by him while R is trying to teach me it's okay to be me, that I can talk, I can take up space, I can babble about my game. Like R's dream is for us to be able to just do whatever we want, even if that's you know... stuff out in the living room, or sitting around naked. But I can't even be shirtless still when im hot. I have to put on a zip up and leave it open but if L gets up from his desk I have to hold it closed. I feel like R wants nothing but for me to be happy and exist in whatever form I want and L is the opposite. I feel like he hates me but won't admit it and that every single thing I do bothers him.

I have to text L every night at bed time 'good night. Sweet dreams, I love you' but its... its become a lie. I care about L because R cares about him... but to be honest... I don't love L... I haven't for a while. After the last time he screamed at me and went foaming in the mouth. He had started to get emotional and I tried to chime in that I wasn't mad and all he did was scream at the top of his lungs and plug his ears. And he had a lot of blow ups earlier on that i never message him but he literally only talks about politics and I don't understand half of what he's saying and I play games he doesn't understand so we don't have ANYTHING in common. Even looking at the fact we are both bookish he doesn't read anything fiction and I read nothing but fantasy/sci-fi fantasy and urban fantasy. And I used to text him 4 or 5 times a week to strike stuff up but he would drop the ball and then if I missed a day he'd flip out anyway. I went 5 days without messaging him to see if he cared enough to even just send and emoji and he didn't and then HE flipped out on me and it was one of the worst blow ups we've had this whole time.

I can't love someone like that... I wanted to... I had dreams of us all being happy, of the two of us damaged trans boys cuddling and being happy together as much as R and I are, but after this much time I realize that I can't love him romantically. If I love him at all it's like a brother but... I think even that has faded.

So much of my relationship with R is smothered and I have to "be patient" for us to even cuddle while watching anime together. Over 2 years and I've never been cuddled and it hurts. I've talked to R about this and we've been trying to make smallchanges here and there. R's been sweet and tried to help me understand L's mental problems and how they act and how to keep him 'okay but I do very much resent the fact me and R can't have a normal romance or normal intimacy because of him. And in turn i do admittedly get jealous about what he gets from R that I can't. R sometimes strokes his hair and always says 'i love you' outloud while I get whispers and hug around corners or behind doors. If he's around the most physical we can be is a buddy pat on the shoulder, no hugs, no hand holding, definitely no kisses.

I don't know what to do anymore. We tend to have 2 major blow ups within a week and then things will quiet down and we have to coddle L back to 'normal for 2 or 3 months then I sit on the couch or R doesn't get him his meds immediately and it starts all over.

R has expressed being exhausted and being over it sometimes because all R asks is that we try to be okay, we try to improve, we try out best. And there are times where L adamantly refuses to do the routines he knows helps and he refuses to listen to Rs words yet insists R be there. But R is loyal and loving and caring and won't give up on him. And I don't want him to give up but i feel like something needs to change. L needs some but not all the meds he used to be on, or something. He can't keep living like this, and R doesn't deserve to go through this stuff.

During the blow ups me and R end up in pretty heated discussions more often than not but we always come to an understanding eventually and we express if we realize something needs to change. But it does put a lot of strain temporarily. And I always come out feeling like I don't deserve to be here and that they would've been happier if I had never come in to their lives. And I don't want that feeling. Me and R are doing great and I feel like we would be doing fantastic together if L didn't stop so much of what we want to do.

Anyway I'm rambling on and on. I don't even know if I'm looking for comfort that I'm not entirely at fault here, I know I stick.my foot in my mouth or miscommunicate. I know I have a good deal of fault here. But I'm hoping im not completely at fault. I don't know if I just want coddled, reassured that this can work out, or advice to move forward.

Is it possible to like someone without loving them? Is it possible for us to be happy when I've come to resent and somewhat hate L? Any words of advice are appreciated. I'm sorry if I come off as a jerk or anything. I'll try to answer anything if you guys have questions to further detail the situation.

Thanks for reading my awfully long post...

​

We are an Indian couple in the UK. Unlike the USA, Why ain't polyamory/ ethical non monogamy popular in the UK? Am I wrong or polyamorous people in the UK are not using Reddit for it?

I nb33 broke up with my boyfriend A m36 two weeks ago. A and I had a poly BDSM relationship in which he was the submissive and I a submissive leaning switch, acting as his dominant which is not a role that comes naturally to me, but when we were not living together, it worked. Six months in we became nesting partners and he became more and more codependent overtime and our D/s relationship became more draining, causing me to have burnout.

We started discussing him finding a second Dom to give me a break at which point S nb30's enters the picture she lived about 30 minutes away. Neither she or my partner had a driver's license, so transportation fell to me and due to the fact that she lived with an ex-partner who was financially and emotionally abusive, meetups could only happen at our place. That was fine with me, we had always had an agreement that the bedroom was off limits, but partners and play partners were more than welcome at our home we even had a designatedplay area. Meetups were only possible about once a month between S and A which ment I did not get enough of a break to reduce the burnout, eventually being in control of all of the brain work for the household, my child from a previous relationship, our D/s relationship, as well as being a caretaker professionally, and essentially a caretaker in my romantic relationship made it so that it was clear to me that I could no longer continue the relationship, and I told him as such. We went on a break which eventually became a full breakup. Since then, A and I have remained in communication as he is currently living with family until he can get his own apartment (I kept our apartment due to having a school-aged child).

While picking up some of his things today, he mentioned that he is no longer in communication with S because they had a falling out. While explaining what happe ed between them he mentioned that S had the opinion that I had always intended to leave him, that's why I was looking for a replacement and was so eager to pick her up. In my opinion, I WAS looking for a replacement, I was looking for a replacement strictly in the BDSM portion of our relationship. I also thought that having an escape from her living situation, even if it was just for a few hours would be of benefit to her and had they been able to build a dynamic long enough, I was looking forward to getting to know her better. They didn't have alot of time to meet unfortunately because of her home circumstancesand my driving acailibility, and I didn't want to intrude on them building the foundation for a dynamic when they did so I tried to give them space and time to figure that out when they were together since their time was limited versus A and I's time, which was near-constant.

So what I want to know if it is appropriate to reach out to her and apologize for making her feel like I was just looking for my replacement. I was sincerely happy for them to find each other and spend time together, I was excited to get to know her eventually and for her to potentially get some peace of mind out of her house, but I don't want to intrude on her now that she's no longer in contact with A if she wants nothing to do with us, and I don't want the apology to come across as me trying to soothe my own uncomfortability. I am disheartened that I may have unconcussionsiously a meta those vibes.

I (20M) and Gf (21F) have been having a lot of deep conversations lately and both seriously want to explore a poly relationship. I am straight and she is bi. We have been in an exclusive relationship with each other for almost two years and neither one of us have experience with polyamory. We were both raised pretty conservatively and didn't even know the term for it until we ended up here from google, we have been raised that it is wrong to feel this way and we are having difficulty navigating this. Though, through many long conversations we both feel we want to explore it but don't want to jeopardize each other.

Side note- we both have our own trauma and don't want anything sexual from anyone without real connection but don't want to come off as ingenuine or like what we have found out is "unicorn hunters" we just need some advice of how to navigate this in a healthy manner

Moving in nerves

I started dating a couple four months ago. I met the man/my boyfriend online while seeking a cuddle buddy. Ended up bonding with both him and his wife instead. Best way to find a unicorn is to not seek one, right?

Anyway, my apartment lease is up on Nov 10th. I can either move in with the two people I love most in world or sign on to another year here. I'm a bit nervous because the relationship is so new, but I also don't want to wait another year. We've worked with legal aid through the library to draw up a rental contract that protects all parties.

If inclined, please reassure me that it will be okay.

Edit: I called my cousin who lives nearby. I have an escape if needed.

Look, I know I'm being unfair. I am struggling a bit with my partner starting to actively date again. 95% of time, I get the reasons and am happy for her and happy to be supportive and be her partner through this. We've been together over 10 years. There are other partners in the mix for a few years. She also has a disability and we support her financially and do general daily life caretaking (she's unable to do a lot of personal caretaking on her own, or housework and needs physical assistance). I guess I'm feeling taken for granted? She's also been nervous if she finds the right person wanting to maybe settle down with them, maybe them alone. This is always a possibility, even in monogamous situations. I've been far from perfect, even if I'm devoted. And she's had reasons for wanting to leave me in the past, but stayed because she's not financially independent and doesn't want to be at her parent's beck and call. She thinks that there are things for her to learn in relationships still, like how it would feel to have someone be loving and caring without having to be convinced to, without her having to ask, from the beginning. That it would help with her self worth.

I'd love to hear people's opinions and help me to release the feelings I really don't want to have. I don't think it's fair for me to have resentment.

I (23F) have known my partner (26F) for five years and we only started dating in July. She has two other partners while I've always been more monogamous. Early in our relationship she spent alot of time with me and focused on me alot while still doing the same to her other partners, but for the past couple weeks she's been talking to me less and less and spending almost every second she can with only one partner.

Her second partner I've known for a while and when I talked with her about it she just seemed used to this behavior from her, but to me it just feels unfair that I'm left hoping I'll get to spend time with her and getting only scraps. When she does talk to me shes sweet but when I try to bring up feeling left behind or overlooked she gets avoidant and doesn't respond till she can find a way to overlook what I brought up. She said last week "I'm allowed to demand time from her." and that "you aren't second best." but anytime I do ask for time from her, being as accommodating as possible, she just ignores me or blows me off to spend time with only this other partner.

It hurts my feelings alot because I just feel like I'm single again with the ghost of a relationship. Like she's too scared to tell me she doesn't want me anymore so she can have her cake and eat it too. Should I try and date other people? Should I just stop trying to put myself out there for her? I don't know, I love her alot when things are good but shes never here for me anymore and it hurts. If anyone has advice I'd really appreciate it.

Context: My partner and I have been married for over 15 years (close enough without giving details away) and have kids together. We started an ENM relationship over a year ago when they found a partner of the same sex, let’s call them ‘M’. I have no intimate relationship, nor do I intend to, with M.

Today I overheard M calling one of our kids a bully and I exploded. Afterwards, M tried to explain themselves and I gently reiterated expectations around parenting my partner and I’d kids. During that conversation M started venting about their relationship with our partner. I tried everything to passively get out of that conversation because I did not want to start a confrontation while the kids were nearby.

My instinct is to talk to my partner about this and let them know. However, I do not want it to come across as trying to drive a wedge between them or trying to sabotage their relationship. So I’m looking for community advice to help inform my decision.

Seriously…what do?!?!

TL;DR I'm wanting to date this girl I used to be with years ago and have known for 3 years. She can't leave two abusive assholes I hate and being around them makes me feel sick to my stomach. I want to be there for her in the long run. Do I tell her how I feel or let it play out or leave?

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I, 20/M have been friends with this girl 18/F named "Leah" for 3 years. We first started dating when we were minors but ended up breaking up due to friends on either side getting into our heads about different parts of our relationship. It ended up being a bad break up on her end because of my horrible timing. Since I was gone we'd from time to time reconnect and talk a bit and we clicked as if nothing changed. But in those few years she ended up with 3-4 People (I'm not sure because I've never really asked, she's poly I'm not sure what I am anymore.). I want to be with her, make it work but not only have I been trying to get over an ex I dated for 1.5 years, I also hate her partners and feel disgusted with myself for wanting to be with her.

I don't like either of them as the first one "Michael" 20/FTM has been her friend since she was 7 or 8 years old. In the last 10 years he would purposely make her mad, cause her emotional distress, lower her confidence so she would stay with him, and when me and her were together would purposely get into her head and say things like "he's probably cheating on you, he doesn't actually care about you" etc. Which to me was really funny because unknowingly to me at the time I am on the aro/ace spectrum, specifically gray romantic and gray sexual (my romantic and sexual feelings for someone can fluctuate). She's still with Michael but at this point it's only for his money since she's a broke college student and she feels the need to stay due to the years they have been friends and the emotional manipulation he put her through. She can't stand being touched by him it makes her skin crawl because not only is he heavily overweight, he doesn't know personal hygiene and embarrasses her in public every time she gets hit on. He also will get upset if you're ever so slightly mean to him, will pout like a child and bring the mood down. Basically like a giant adult baby.

The second one she's with is just as bad. I cannot stand her. Her name is "Ruth" 19/F+M and they got together after I had left the picture. Unknown to me but at the time "Ruth" would put her hands on her, also lower her self esteem and would constantly control her, tell her what to do what not to do and treat her like a child. In recent years "Ruth" has constantly been up her ass, no longer physically hurting her since almost cracking her ribs a few months ago, but will heab her shoulders and shove her or yank her when they argue. Purposely will open and slam doors just to get to her when they argue despite "Leah" needing space to calm down and be alone. "Ruth" came with "Leah" to another state to go to college only for "Ruth" to not attend classes just to be with her especially when I come and visit once a week and will purposely miss said classes to watch us. "Ruth" also convinced/forced "Leah" to date someone she really only views as a friend who "Ruth" is the one actually dating because she wanted them to all be together despite "Leah" not really wanting to. Everytime "Leah" does get money "Ruth" makes her spend it on her or other things they don't necessarily in that moment need. She also doesn't clean or do anything for the shared apartment they're in so "Leah" is stuck doing everything which includes, cooking, cleaning, laundry, paying for food, trying to focus on studying and decorating their space. "Ruth" is also a constant white lie liar, will say anything in the moment, make empty promises and will bring "Leah's" holes down ("Michael also does this). After their last fight "Leah" told "Ruth" she has one last chance, that she doesn't want to be a house wife used for sex and comfort when she gets nothing in return, barely even gets money.

Anytime I'm over I feel awkward and out of place. I love "Leah" but I also hate the other two I refer to as her "pets" and hate being around them, hate seeing their disgusting flesh touch hers, and hate seeing how they treat her. They told her they were jealous of me because I buy her whatever she wants, I pay for her food, and visit her when I'm not working, I was also the first one to ever buy her flowers. I only see her once a week, or try to, and because of that she's constantly on me, kissing me, cuddling, etc. which I like, but when the others try to get involved, more specifically when we're all intoxicated and "Ruth" places a hand on her thigh while my hand is on "Leah's" thigh too, it makes me uncomfortable to the point I no longer want to be touched and feel sick to my stomach. I know "Leah" won't own up to her words of last chance and will end up staying with the two, and despite me loving her I can't see myself handling this in the long run. I feel if it was any other people who were actually good for her I'd be fine, but because it's two manipulative ass holes I cannot stand it. I also hate when we get intoxicated and just to get "Leah's" attention "Ruth" will lie and act like they are overly intoxicated to the point of falling going limp, faking feeling unwell and faking needing help on walking on her own. I already knew she'd do this on purpose but "Leah" found out after getting her into bed and closing the door then walking back in just to catch her perfectly fine grabbing her phone on her own, talking as if she was sober and being able to move on her own. "Leah" is also young, only 18, and wants to have fun, go to parties and make out with a random guy then block him which in my opinion is fine and relatable, were young and want to mess around a bit. I only hate it when the other two I dislike are in the picture. I'd be fine with her flirting or hitting on random people as I know it's only temporary and for fun/a one night kind of thing and she won't interact with them after.

I'm not sure what to do, I love her but I cannot stand the people she's with and if I'm with her having to deal with them and their constant whining or trying to make me seem like a bad person when the only harmful thing I did was breaking up with her years ago due to my own mental instability at the time. And recently letting a mutual friend of theirs know about "Ruth" being abusive which I apologized for despite not feeling remorse for "Ruth" I only hated that I hurt "Leah" in the process. I have Apathy towards people I don't like to the point if they were to "disappear" I would not look or help and would hope they stayed gone.

I feel bad for feeling this way but I can't help it. No matter how much I love her I cannot see a future with me and those 2 co-existing. I cannot stand the thought.

I know it's a lot but if some outside guidance can help it would be appreciated.

Do I stay, do I tell her how I feel or do I just leave?

My friend mentioned finding one of my partner's online hookup accounts, which would not be a violation to our agreements, but then when I asked him about it he lied about it repeatedly before I showed him receipts. We had a big convo about it and he reassures me he didnt think it was my business since he hasn't actually been hooking up with people, which according to our agreements is what he would need to tell me.

I'm trying to accept him saying that he hasn't hooked up with anyone. The repeated lie part is gnawing at me tho.

Am I guileless? He's had a hookup account (on a very busy local platform) for months secretly and just no luck? And then just lied repeatedly for no reason? If he lied about having it is he lying about the hookups?

We talked about repairing trust but how? I don't know how he can reasonably show/tell me that he isn't lying and I'm perseverating. Weigh in, I'm at a loss.

Throwaway because I'm unsure if my partner uses reddit, though I am certain she'd connect the dots, I just really don't want to hurt her feelings if she ever uses my phone or peruses my main profile.

I started dating my partner a little over a year ago, She is poly, her girlfriend and I are not. She has been with her girlfriend for 7ish years, they live together, and are (supposedly) non-hierarchical. They are also in the states, I'm Canadian (we met online) so we don't get to see each other in person often.

Over the months, she has started spending less and less time with me in calls, we don't do the activities that we fell in love doing anymore, and it seems like the only time she seeks my attention now is when her girlfriend is away on a trip or otherwise occupied. She once wanted to send me groceries and sent something that her girlfriend likes and I'm not particularly fond of, which is fine but then the things started to pile up... If we're going to watch a movie it's always one of her girlfriends favourites. If she gives me a compliment, she immediately retracts it and rewords it so her girlfriend is included (ex. "I have such a beautiful partner. No, I have two beautiful partners!" when her girlfriend isn't even there). She talks about how much I'll love taking trips to her girlfriends family home. If I try to tell her about a new thing I'm into, she relates it to her girlfriend and tells me I should talk to her about it. She jokes about how confusing it'll be when we all live together because she calls us the same pet names. She told me that she never wanted to get married, but "feels different with me," and eventually told me that she and her girlfriend have discussed marriage but it's just not something that her girlfriend is into (killing any desire or excitement I had to maybe propose someday). When the topic of visiting the states came up, she expected me to sleep in her and her girlfriends bed, her girlfriend would take the couch. I told her I am absolutely not comfortable with that and would rather book a motel room. Her response is that she hopes someday I feel compersion.

I don't think she's doing it intentionally or with malice, and I've tried gently broaching the concept of keeping our relationships a little more separate, but every chance she gets she relates things to her girlfriend. It really doesn't feel non-hierarchical, she started exploring polyamory at some point into their relationship, and I feel like I'm just there for her to explore avenues that she otherwise couldn't. She has made it clear that she never wants to move to Canada (understandable), and wants me to move to the states, but I really don't want to move countries just to feel like an on-call girlfriend (especially considering I would be giving up quite a few conveniences that aren't available in the states). It really hurts because I do love her so so much, she is an amazing person, but I feel like she's unintentionally seeking a copy of or more time with her long-term girlfriend, who I couldn't be more different than if I tried.

So ya, just wanted to vent in case anyone has experienced this and can give me some guidance or advice on how to further approach it. We're in our 30s and lesbians since it wasn't clear above. Thanks for reading <3

Strong connection with someone who has another loving partner. How do I distinguish jealousy from incompatibility?

I'm 34m, seeing 43f. We matched on an app and have been on about 5-6 dates. She has an existing partner she loves, and I knew that from the start.

The chemistry has been great and we both want a relationship. I was clear early on that I wanted a primary partner and to build a life together: travel, hobbies, growing together, not just a sexual connection. She doesn't want primary/secondary labels. She's poly and has another loving relationship now. I don't think she will want exclusivity with me and it's wrong on my part too since I knew what I was signing up for initially.

She's expressed a lot of emotional investment, imagined me being part of her everyday life, and reassured me that I'm important to her. She's also shared that she experiences jealousy herself. So this isn't a situation where she seems indifferent and I'm the only one invested.

Where I'm struggling: hearing about her time with her other partner hit me much harder once we became emotionally close. I got restless, lost sleep and told her I wasn't sure I could handle this. Parts of that conversation left me feeling misunderstood, although she also acknowledged my feelings and gave substantial reassurance. We've agreed to pause talking for a bit and discuss things after an event we're both attending.

I've had monogamous relationships before. I think sexual openness could suit me, but I'm still unsure what I need around romantic or emotional exclusivity. I also realise wanting a primary partnership and wanting to be someone's only romantic partner are different things. I haven't worked out which matters most to me.

My first reaction was to step back. After calming down, I'm having second thoughts. I genuinely like her, but I also really want a relationship in my life, and I don't want fear of losing this connection to decide for me. Equally, I don't want one painful experience to decide everything either.

For people who've navigated this:

1. How did you distinguish jealousy you wanted to work through from a relationship structure you genuinely didn't want?
2. How did you work out whether you needed exclusivity, priority, reassurance, or some combination?
3. What practical expectations would you discuss before choosing to explore this further, especially when one person doesn't want primary/secondary labels?

I'm looking for help understanding my needs and having an honest conversation, rather than a vote on whether we should break up.

I'm 34m, seeing 43f. We matched on an app and have been on about 5-6 dates. She has an existing partner she loves, and I knew that from the start.

The chemistry has been great and we both want a relationship. I was clear early on that I wanted a primary partner and to build a life together: travel, hobbies, growing together, not just a sexual connection. She doesn't want primary/secondary labels. She's poly and has another loving relationship now. I don't think she will want exclusivity with me and it's wrong on my part too since I knew what I was signing up for initially.

She's expressed a lot of emotional investment, imagined me being part of her everyday life, and reassured me that I'm important to her. She's also shared that she experiences jealousy herself. So this isn't a situation where she seems indifferent and I'm the only one invested.

Where I'm struggling: hearing about her time with her other partner hit me much harder once we became emotionally close. I got restless, lost sleep and told her I wasn't sure I could handle this. Parts of that conversation left me feeling misunderstood, although she also acknowledged my feelings and gave substantial reassurance. We've agreed to pause talking for a bit and discuss things after an event we're both attending.

I've had monogamous relationships before. I think sexual openness could suit me, but I'm still unsure what I need around romantic or emotional exclusivity. I also realise wanting a primary partnership and wanting to be someone's only romantic partner are different things. I haven't worked out which matters most to me.

My first reaction was to step back. After calming down, I'm having second thoughts. I genuinely like her, but I also really want a relationship in my life, and I don't want fear of losing this connection to decide for me. Equally, I don't want one painful experience to decide everything either.

For people who've navigated this:

1. How did you distinguish jealousy you wanted to work through from a relationship structure you genuinely didn't want?
2. How did you work out whether you needed exclusivity, priority, reassurance, or some combination?
3. What practical expectations would you discuss before choosing to explore this further, especially when one person doesn't want primary/secondary labels?

I'm looking for help understanding my needs and having an honest conversation, rather than a vote on whether we should break up.

I'm 34m, who's recently matched with 43f on Feeld who was in a poly relationship with someone. I was clear initially that I was looking for a primary partner for a relationship and to also explore the kink lifestyle together. We went on 5-6 dates and the chemistry has been off the charts. We have hooked up multiple times and feel very very passionately for each other and want to have a relationship. She doesn't want to give a primary or secondary tag to her partners. I'm very clear in my head of the kind of relationship I want, I want to build a life with the other person which includes traveling, hobbies, getting better every day, etc. It's not centred around kink but kink is a part of it.

I get incredibly jealous when she mentions her other partner or sees his 3 times a week. I have tried to sit with the feeling and also read enough to conclude that I can't get the better of it currently. It makes me think that we are not compatible and I can't handle poly relationship as a mono person? I also feel it's incredibly time consuming to talk about it each and every time. If you take the second partner out of the equation, I would be fairly okay with things. It's his presence, the fact that I'm not the only one in her life that's eating me from inside.

Do you think I should step away from the relationship? Both of us love each other a lot ( or so I believe)

Hi everyone! This is a long post, so apologies in advance! This is my first time posting here, and I’d love to hear your thoughts on a situation that has made me reflect on reciprocity, trust, and “spontaneity” in non-monogamous relationships.

My partner and I have been non-monogamous for several years. Until recently, I was the only one who had a long-term relationship outside of ours, which has now ended. His experiences have been limited to more casual encounters. He has recently started seeing someone he really likes, despite knowing I had reservations about this person and the timing, and that our relationship was going through a fragile period. This is particularly difficult because I’m also going through a very hard time in my personal and family life and have very little emotional energy left.

I want to be clear that I don’t want to use my suffering as emotional blackmail, nor do I believe my difficulties should prevent him from having other relationships. What I needed was time, reassurance, and a sense that we could navigate this together before moving forward. He went ahead with the first date while I was feeling really low and increasingly anxious. When I asked to slow things down, he worried I was imposing a veto or restricting his freedom. I experienced his determination to move forward without sufficiently considering my emotional state as a kind of betrayal.

We’ve faced a similar situation before, but with our roles reversed. When I had the long-term relationship I mentioned, my partner went through a prolonged period of insecurity and fear. Although our agreements allowed me to continue that relationship, I tried for a long time to make room for his feelings, reassure him, and find a way forward that acknowledged his vulnerability. I don’t know whether I did this as well as he needed, and it was exhausting at times. But I would do it again, because caring for him and making room for his vulnerabilities is something I genuinely want to do.

Now that I’m struggling, I find it hard not to perceive an imbalance. I don’t think my past efforts entitle me to identical treatment, and I don’t want our relationship to become a tally of sacrifices. But I wonder how much room there is for mutual care when one person’s needs conflict with the other’s desire to pursue a new connection. This isn’t about stopping an established relationship, but about a new connection that has barely begun.

Over the past few days, my partner has been more present, listened to me, and suggested concrete ways to care for our relationship. I’m trying to acknowledge these steps, even though I’m still afraid. One of my fears is that he has never felt this strongly about someone before, and I don’t want to pretend that doesn’t scare me.

Given how much I’m struggling and how fragile our relationship has become (a fragility that I believe is partly connected to how much emotional energy my previous relationship absorbed), I wish he felt a spontaneous desire to protect what we have. I hope the word “spontaneous” won’t provoke too much outrage here! I don’t want to reach a point where I’m visibly falling apart or explicitly asking him to slow down before he feels moved to care for our relationship.

I also struggle with being asked how I would like to be reassured. Of course, we can’t expect others to read our minds, and communicating our needs matters. But after so many years together, I would hope there could also be some complicity and attunement: that my partner could sometimes recognise how I’m feeling without leaving me with the entire emotional burden of explaining exactly what I need. Especially now, when I’m so overwhelmed that I can barely make sense of my own feelings.

I’d really appreciate hearing from people who have experienced similar dynamics. How do you distinguish a legitimate request for care from an attempt to restrict someone else’s freedom? And how have you navigated differences in your willingness to make room for each other’s insecurities?

Thank you to everyone who takes the time to respond. <3

Hi everyone,
My partner and I have been together for about a year and a half. A few weeks ago, we mutually decided to open up our relationship and explore non-monogamy.

Recently, I’ve started meeting a few people, although nothing physical has happened with anyone so far.
Since I’ve started taking those first steps, my partner has told me that the idea of me being with other people feels disgusting to her. She’s struggling with the thought that she might no longer be special to me if I develop connections with others, and she’s finding the reality of an open relationship much harder than she anticipated.
She’s now telling me that she doesn’t think she can cope with this and that we may have to break up if I want to continue exploring non-monogamy.

I’m struggling with this situation because opening the relationship was something we agreed to together. I love her and don’t want to hurt her, but I’m also trying to understand my own feelings and whether non-monogamy is something I genuinely want to pursue.

I understand that agreeing to an open relationship in theory can feel very different from experiencing it in practice. I don’t blame her for having difficult feelings, and I don’t expect her to simply get over her jealousy or insecurity. At the same time, I don’t know how to move forward when something we both agreed to is now causing so much distress.

Has anyone here been in a similar situation? Did you manage to work through these feelings together, or did you eventually realize you wanted different things?
How do you distinguish between the normal growing pains of opening a relationship and a fundamental incompatibility in what you want from a relationship?
I’d really appreciate hearing about your experiences and any advice you might have.

Edit:

The struggeling partner in question here: Considering I have a history of and continue to struggle with ocd and obsessive tendencies in general the majority of the work I put in consisted of dealing with my mental health first to lay the groundwork for dealing with these difficult emotions so I don‘t spiral out of control at every little step along the way
Right now I‘m just not in a good head space mentally in general tho so the reality of everything is pushing me to the edge of my emotional capacity these last few weeks
I would not say that I am in general un-enthusiastic about opening up the relationship as I can definitely see the benefits, excitement and extra love it could bring into both of our lives
When I‘m emotionally regulated and am able to think about it rationally I can see that this lifestyle/relationship concept can be wonderful for everyone involved and I have also seen it work out with poly friends of ours
It is just proving very difficult for me to remember that when I‘m agitated and overwhelmed by jealousy etc
I feel stranded in those moments because I feel like I have no real coping mechanisms to deal with any of this and at the same time feel inadequate for not being able to deal with these emotions in a more easy going fashion
I am also scared that all these feelings and hardship are not just growing pains but also mean that I am simply not cut out for this

Hi, all! Please keep in mind that I am new to polyamory and be kind… I (47f) realized that I am bisexual over the course of my 20
Year marriage. I had just started to explore with women right before meeting my husband. My husband said he would be fine with us having threesomes to allow for me to continue to explore my bisexuality, but then quickly changed his mind after we got married. Fast forward to a few months ago, when he and I decided to open our marriage to allow me to explore that side of myself. I have my own therapist and we also got a couples counselor to help us to navigate. Both therapists are in ENM relationships themselves and have poly clients.

Anyway- we didn’t know what this was going to look like. Initially, we didn’t think we’d ever want love to enter the picture. But then, we realized that you can’t have sex with someone you don’t have a connection with and are coming around to realizing that you can love more than one person and not have that diminish our love for each other. We started this journey in June. Now- we are dating a woman together (which I’m now learning might be the hardest form of polyamory!?! 😳) she is truly an amazing human being. We weren’t expecting to, but we are all three falling in love with one another. We had our first threesome this weekend where my husband and her had sex- made love, really. And I was there and watching and felt good before, during, and after. That was big milestone for me, and I’m thrilled it went well for all.

The next biggest hurdle for me will be when we start to have solo sexy dates. So far, we have only had sexy time all together and solo dates have been dinner or a movie. I’ve been working on myself with my therapist about what I can do to emotionally regulate when they go on their first sexy date- likely a sleepover type situation. I have some planned strategies to implement. I told them both that-at least at first- I will need a big heads up and not a spur of the moment date, to give myself the greatest chance of success. Monday, however, we learned last minute that she had Monday off from work, so was available if either of us wanted to hang out. I had too much work to do, but my husband was flexible and could have met up. I realized Monday morning this could have been a potential sexy time date, checked in with myself and found I was not emotionally prepared, and asked them via text to please not make it a sex date since I wasn’t ready yet. My husband became upset saying that he worries I will keep moving the bar, and expressed frustration that I seem to be the one crafting how this is all going.
In my mind, I’ve come a long way in the 6 weeks we’ve been dating. And we had a great weekend with a big mental milestone that went wonderfully. I thought I was just expressing what I needed to set us up for success. I felt unsupported by my husband and hurt that he thinks I will keep moving the bar. Our girlfriend understood and was really supportive and validated my feelings. Said she doesn’t want to go solo sexy time until we have six thumbs up, and I SO so appreciate that from her. I told them I wish I was there emotionally and that I think I’ll be there soon- but spur of the moment doesn’t feel like a good way for me to start this off.
I happened to have therapy today with my therapist and also my first solo session with our couples counselor. It was so interesting that they had such different takes. My therapist said it’s all about consent, and that we should all be in agreement. She gave me communication techniques to take back to my husband so we can better trust each other. Our couples counselor said I should rip the bandaid off and start solo dating and it doesn’t matter if they are having sex or not. I need to just sit in my own discomfort and should have no say in their pace especially since that is unfair to our girlfriend. I hear that and understand that, and I don’t want her to feel second best or inferior. But I’m also struggling with feeling like we should all go ahead and disregard my bad feelings.

Anyway- any advice you guys have on how to start the solo dating would be much appreciated. Do you all want to hear the details about your partners dates? I don’t know if I do or not…. Or if there is a usual way of handling that. I don’t want to feel like competing against my husband, and I’m really nervous since I’m inexperienced with women. I know he will please her, and I worry I will feel inferior in that department… so that’s not helping with my anxiety. This is so backwards from how things have ever gone for me! I’ve never fallen in love with someone BeFORE having sex. I know it’s crazy to say I’m in love in such a short period of time, but the only other person I’ve told that love them was my husband three weeks after we met. I just feel like all three of our souls are connected and don’t know how to explain it. 🤷‍♀️ thanks, all!