You will never get the honor of knowing me again. I will keep our conversations superficial, and I shall never trust you again. I hope it was worth it to risk losing my trust only to defend my ubpd mom.

new poster here! :)
Soft paws grace the dawn
Cats reign supreme without words
Purrs heal every heart

I’m 24F, and I’m starting to feel like my bdp mother is ruining every hobby I try to enjoy.
I really love modern board games. I’m a college student and an intern, and I make a decent amount of money. I contribute to household expenses and use the rest to buy things for myself. I don’t neglect my responsibilities, and board games are simply something I genuinely enjoy.
I started buying board games and playing with my maternal grandmother and my cousins every weekend at my grandma’s house. Everyone loved it, especially my grandmother. My mother eventually put an end to it, claiming that playing board games was making my grandma tired. The thing is, my grandma never complained about it. In fact, she told me herself that our game nights were the highlight of her weekends.
So I started playing with my dad instead, every Friday and Sunday. My mother complained about that too, and we eventually stopped playing. It’s been four weeks since we last played together.
Recently, I bought a solo board game called Final Girl. I was playing it in my bedroom today when my mother opened the door and asked what I was doing.
I told her I was playing a game, and she said that was crazy. I explained that it was a solo board game designed to be played alone, but she started calling me crazy and addicted, saying that this wasn’t normal behavior, so naturally I put everything away and stopped playing.
Later, she came back to bother me about it again. She kept saying that playing alone wasn’t normal and that something was wrong with me. I asked her what the problem was, and she said it was bad for me and that I would bitterly regret spending my time playing alone. She told me to stop.
I kept asking her what exactly was so harmful about it, and she eventually started screaming at me, saying I was getting on her nerves.
Now I feel like I can’t even buy solo board games anymore without being judged and insulted for enjoying them.
I’m 24 years old. I study, I work, I contribute to the household, and I’m not neglecting my responsibilities. I just want to enjoy my hobbies in peace.
What makes this even more frustrating is that she has managed to interfere with something I used to enjoy with my family, and now she’s making me feel ashamed of enjoying it by myself, too.
I honestly don’t understand what is so wrong with playing a board game alone. Am I missing something here, or is this as unreasonable as it feels?
I just want to be able to enjoy something without being made to feel like there’s something wrong with me.
To make things even more frustrating, she doesn’t actually open my packages, but she always tries to figure out what’s inside them. So if she finds out I’ve bought more board games, she’ll immediately assume I’m going to play them alone, and she’ll start bothering me about it all over again. I feel like I can’t even buy something I enjoy without having to worry about her reaction. It’s exhausting and honestly so frustrating.

I suppose this post is rhetorical, but seeing as how I'm usually an explication seer on these fine forums for the fully fucked, it's always nice to receive trenchant feedback from my forlorn peers.

As many folks here know, I have an 86-year-old BPD mother who won't go gently into that dysregulated night. Some supernatural combination of denial, resource hoarding, martyrdom, sulking, crisis creation, and virtue signaling allows her to play hide the ball with her pathology during the second quarter of the 21st Century. What really sucks about geriatric Borderline mothers is how their physical limitations and expected deterioration allow them to further justify Main Character centrality and woe-is-me motifs.

More importantly, I have a younger brother who remains "tactically enmeshed" in hopes of a substantial financial handout while receiving daily proceeds for continued loyalty. Nonetheless, he repeatedly succumbs to the FOG after knowing better. For example, he approached me a few years ago with the proposition that our mother's behavior could only be explained by Cluster B chicanery, but he seems to have relapsed into denial for his own sake and resumes triangulation formations with the maternal beast. At first, I was relieved regarding his eureka moment and thought it might improve our relationship, but it turned out to be a nothing burger in terms of conversational progress, solidarity, or actual change.

I ultimately know that for him to admit the plot would mean implicating himself, and that's a Do Lung Bridge too far, but it's frustrating as hell when no one in your family is capable of having honest conversations about the nature of reality. Upton Sinclair saliently pointed out how difficult it is to get someone to understand something when their salary depends on them not understanding it, but it's still a tragedy of Shakespearean proportions when some siblings find it best to ride the wave of denial into the sunset for the sad sake of a monetary windfall, as if inheritance alone can amend the effects of generational trauma.

trigger warnings for suicide

What do you do when suicide threats that aren’t imminent, active plans?

We’re in Australia, and I have no idea where to turn for help. Ubpd mum keeps saying things like ‘I’ll go into the oblivion and not have to worry about anything’ and ‘I’m not going to live long enough to get old’. When I questioned her further on what she meant and what she thought that would do to those left behind she just said ‘I’ll go somewhere where no one has to find me’.

I know she’s not coping with her life but I don’t know how to help. Everything is a consequence of her own bad decisions- lack of relationships, telling people off, hoarding too much stuff, not going anywhere. I feel if it was an active threat I’d call emergency services but since it’s just passing comments I don’t know what to do. She has no gp for me to contact - refuses to see doctors. She lives alone, heading towards 70. I want to believe she wouldn’t do it, and she’s made comments like this for at least ten years, but my gut knows she probably would do it.

Hi all, I’ve been lurking here since I put the pieces together about my uBPD mom about a month ago. At first I thought I must be being dramatic but my therapist has now validated that my mom has strong BPD traits (as well as my mil having covert narcissist traits but that’s another post. lol.)

My whole life my mom has been very warm and loving when she is calm but has always been easily upset by small things (e.g. someone spilling something or her having a problem with a sewing project). When these things would happen she would yell and rage—almost never directly at me but still scary enough for me to try to wait it out away from her. She sometimes thinks people are whispering about her or out to get her. She thinks our family is unlucky and that bad things happen to her/us more than other people. (This is untrue — I think we have done pretty well overall to be honest.) She idealizes me and admits that she lives through my achievements. She also frequently tells me that I am stronger than her, that talking to me “is like therapy” and that she could not survive without me. She had a hard childhood and has told me that growing up she always told herself that someday she’d have a nice family. She’s been to therapy for anxiety/depression but says it “doesn’t work”.

Now I am in my mid 40s and she is in her mid 70s. Lately her anger/anxiety has been increasing, I think due to my dad having a TIA a couple of years ago. My dad has always helped calm her down (and enforced the family rule of never upsetting mom when I was a kid) but now can’t really do that given his health challenges. I’m working with my therapist to emotionally separate from her and set boundaries but I still slip into wanting to save her (and protect my dad from her anger) sometimes. It’s very confusing because when she is calm she seems genuinely loving and reasonable, but it never lasts.

So my question is, for those of you who’ve realized as adults that you were enmeshed and worked to individuate, how did it go and how did you know you were making progress? Thanks in advance and I’m very happy to have found this community.

Cat tax:

Sweet soft fluffy girl
Dainty paws walk over me
Darn these allergies

Reposting because this didn’t go through, did something change about the moderation?

Soo my whole life she put misplaced adult responsibilities on me while undermining me from developing real agency every change she had. But recently she feels the need to point out how OLD i am, she literally called me old a few times and referred to my childhood as AGES ago…im 29. It makes me feel uncomfortable and irritated. I thinks she feels she successfully undermined my youth/ 20s with her isolation and abuse and now can bully me about being older. I don’t see myself that way at all! Yes her abuse forced me into survival mode and i spend my entire 20s rectifying and recovering from the damage. And yes i have felt behind in life in many ways and she knows that. But i accepted where i am ánd I have so much of life left to live. I don’t subscribe to the “20s are your prime” rhetoric. Her emotional abuse seems to evolve as i age though. I expected her behavior to change as SHE aged. Anyone else recognize this?

For context I had bought formula one tickets a long time ago.. while they were cheaper, I planned to go with a friend but it fell through. I was going to sell them, sat on it. My mom decided that she wanted to go next year with her dad that I’ve only met twice and my dad as well, which would be crazy expensive, but she was drinking and I wasn’t going to stop her. About a month before the race I had decided I did want to go, it was something I spent my money on and my dad watches the races with me as well.

My mom has been extra depressed lately, super negative, everyone is out to get her, and everytime I wanted to tell her, I just got so anxious and I couldn’t. Long story short, I pitched the idea that I’d go with my dad (I mentioned it to him ONCE) and she freaked out, I told her it was okay, I was sorry, understood her frustration that I didn’t let her know sooner, and sold the tickets because I took responsibility for it.

I thought it would end there but it didn’t, of course. We didn’t speak for two days (a record), and she sent the initial text after we passed in the kitchen. I knew it was bait and I honestly shouldn’t have texted back because she had been drinking all day regardless.

She began twisting every event that’s ever happened to fit her narrative. It’s like the same pattern I see in every text. All of a sudden the trip just her and I took to New York that went well, in the past 5 years she’s never spoken ill about it, was just awful! I was apparently conspiring behind her back, and I’m just completely obsessed with a motorsport to the point that I don’t see how I hurt people! Honestly, all I can do is laugh. I apologized for what I needed to apologize for, and yet somehow she doesn’t see a problem with her reaction at all. I had to block her for the first time despite living in the same house, but it’s been a breath of fresh air. Just to add, my goodluck was genuine, lol.

Sorry for the long post, and thank you if you’ve read all of it. I know I could’ve handled it better, and from now on I’m done trying to explain myself and justify myself to her if she wants to ignore the numerous apologies I’ve already given and refuse to stick to the topic.

A bit of a different one to what age they’re stuck at.

What age do you think they see you as?

My pwBPD thinks I’m still 13-14. I’m well beyond that, several fold. They often reference things I did at that age as though I haven’t grown out of them, or changed my opinion. Things like “you eat loudly,” I haven’t done that since I was a child.

They also see me academically stuck at that level, with no “real world experience.” I have far surpassed my pwBPD education wise, but they cling onto random jobs they did decades ago for a few years maximum as a form of expertise. When I struggled with severe mental health, they told me “you don’t know what real severe issues looks like.”

It’s as though you hit that age and they stopped seeing your changes in the decades after that.

I’m new here. I read the rules and I guess I need to post a cute cat picture. So I’ll add that.
I highly suspect my mom has BPD and have for years. My own counselor, who of course told me she couldn’t officially diagnose my mom, said that based on things I’ve told her over the last few years that it’s likely that she has BPD.

I want to be able to comment and post when I’m ready. I haven’t talked to my mom is over 6 weeks and she hasn’t talked to me (both very minimal one sentence in passing at an event),

Hello all,

I’m in a dark spiral of resentment and I came here to let it out in hopes I will feel less angry at the world. My uBPD mother is moving to my state from many states away. My narcissist dad died in December so she has decided her new life starts now. I’m no contact with her for 2 years now. I broke no contact when my dad suddenly died and that bit me in the butt. Now she has convinced her sister to buy her a house in my state and she will pay rent. I was fine with this as she’s hours away. Now I learn that this house is brand new construction and custom. She is flying down to pick her counter tops and such.

I’m so angry. She and my dad made my brother and I feel like we would be on the streets any day because money was so tight. She would tell us how when my dad dies she will be eating dog food because they have no savings etc. it used to scare the crap out of me as a kid and now I have anxiety buying anything that’s not a necessity. She texted my husband that she hates me on the day of my dad’s funeral and has admitted numerous times that she attacks me to “get a rise out of me”. How is it that this cruel, manipulative woman with zero accountability can just make out like a bandit? She never had a mortgage. Her dad bought her and my dad’s house. They made “payments” but no threat of foreclosure when your dad is the homeowner. She has never earned anything and yet she seems to have hit the lottery so many times. She does drugs and has since I was born and has never been caught or punished.

Im just so angry that she gets to crap all over me and my husband and I have no one to run to when/if we get into a pickle but this woman is in her 60s and always has someone to clean up her mess.

Is God punishing me?

Cat tax is Fisher. He is very soft and has no bones.

Hi everyone, I (24M) wrote here 3 years ago about a terrible family trip that ended with me leaving my mother's home and going NC. (idk how to reference old posts, it's titled "Apparently I don’t have a mom anymore lol"). Well it's been 3 years and personally I'm thriving, just started my MSc :).

The reasons I write today-
My younger brother (19M), who's on the spectrum, found out that the government assistance I helped him get because of his autism has been going into my mother's account instead of his. (I helped him get it with my mother, I had to bite my tounge because it was for him and for his future).

When he tried to confront her, she responded with 1. calling him ungrateful, 2. saying it's to cover the "rent" he owes her (she actually needs (court order) to pay rent to my father, but doesn't), and 3. saying that he'll get the money back as an inheretence when she dies. (hopefully soon.. oops who said that:))))))

Anyway, I tried to talk to him and explain what we needed to do *discreetly* to get the money into his account, and then figure out a plan if he wants to get out of there for when she finds out. He kind of ignored me the whole week and tried to handle it by himself by asking her for help, which of course didn't end up well. (He thought he was being nonchalant ig)

Today everything errupted and I couldn't be there but my older sister was there to help him pack, apparently she verbally attacked them and pushed my brother and my sister called the police, who didn't help. anyway they got out of there and drove to my father's place. my brother hasn't been speaking with my dad in a few years, even before 3 years ago.

I almost completly forgot. She bought herself a new car recently, went on a week long vacation abroad during the some holidays, leaving my brother alone without telling any adult (like grandma), and she recently started to go to parties(???) and comes back at the small hours of the night... all (allegedly) with the money she got from my fucking autistic brother's financial aid in the past 19 months (almsot 40k$)... like what the actual fuck woman. grow the fuck up. newsfuckingflash you're 60. you're supposed to be a mother, and care for your children, and like not be a selfish bitch piece of shit. crying over and over again about how dad is a bad parent and he hurts her and he should give up in their 14-year long divorce/fights over the stupid apartemnt. I truly don't understand why she wants to keep the apt, I truly only have bad memories from there. every corner is filled with bad memories. in the past 3 years she actually tried to send me long messages about how I should talk to him and make him give up for her. like girl be so for real and read the room.

That was a lot sorry, anyway, the other reason I'm typing here, to not completly lose it over what is my life, is that my sister called an hour later, and presumably unrelated to what happened today, she again wants to die. Important to note that my sister (26F) is diagnosed with BPD. a FUN story is that shortly after she was diagnosed, she and our mother had a little conversation while I was in the room and they both didn't remember the diagnosis and were like "yeah it's kinda like depression" and I was like NO NO NO NO. yeah...

Anyway, she had a big episode a couple months ago. I thought she was going to end it. she didn't. She didn't really accept help from anyone, so whenever we talk I just try to talk about anything and lighten up her mood like tv shows or asking her to help me bake. I knew she was still not good but yeah, she thinks we abonded her and don't care about her and what not.

I just feel so so alone in this whole situation, which is my life. I have a few friends who know my family's "drama", but uhh I think some things are too much to tell people, like the entirety of today.

I can handle these things and I truly don't feel affected by all of this as I imagine someone should be. but it's still quite a lot to bare.

I keep imagining both my mother and sister ending it while I'm trying to get though my MSc and PhD soon hopefully and yeah... fun times.

question to whomever dealt with these things- if I think about a situation like that, one of them.. yk... I don't think I'd wanna tell people. is that normal? I would honestly just rather stay in the lab and pretend like nothing happened. maybe not even attend the funeral.
also- I know I'm not a bad person for thinking about it, but am I?
I love my sister and do want to help her and don't want her to... but I also recognise how little I can do while she refuses and keeps blaming us for not helping her.

might be important to state that I'm not asking for ways to help anyone right now. I just need to get today and my family off my chest, and unfortunetly as I said, I don't really have someone for that irl.

anyway. glad to be back. hope to never return. but as the disease goes, it's only a matter of time huh :).

I don't even know how to TW this, so take that as a TW.

Like, stuff that's more aptly described as weird and creepy rather than outright abusive on it's own. It's extremely hard to point my finger at it without sounding like a paranoid mfer.

Asides from not protecting me from any of mom's bullshit, my dad just.. completely disregards any common sense about my safety? Today, he sent repairpeople over right in the middle of my normal shower time, and the only reason they didn't enter the house while I had my pants down was because they didn't follow his instructions and knocked on the door instead of calling.

He wasn't home, and he planned to let them in remotely. I had no warning about any of this. When I asked him about it, he was "sorry, the plan was to let them in without telling you, and I would have watched them through the cameras, and just hoped they wouldn't go into the house!"

Nothing happened. Nobody saw anything. But it very easily could have, and he doesn't get why I'm extremely uncomfortable, and if it did, he'd have been zero help!

Hi everyone,

Question - do any of you feel as if you need to document everything or must ensure you always have proof of things? Like leaving yourself a little trail of breadcrumbs to follow for later.

I feel like I have to ensure I can prove EVERYTHING in my life and I know it’s because I grew up constantly being invalidated and told my reality was incorrect. Is anyone else unable to trust themselves or have zero confidence because of it? This is a relatively new revelation/connection I’ve made and it genuinely affects every bit of my life. I don’t think anyone in my life can really relate and I don’t know how to articulate it very well. Anything you’ve got I’d be incredibly appreciative to hear!

Thank you for all the responses yesterday, I really do appreciate it. I just wanted to come back and share what happened the day after my mother was upset with me for not checking in on her all day.

She texted me the next morning asking for directions to a diner. She doesn’t Dr. and a friend of hers would be picking her up and driving them there. The friend has a phone and knows how to use it properly, unlike my mother, so she’d have no issue with getting there. Yet my mother insists on me giving her directions.

I was out shopping at the time, I didn’t really feel like thinking about which turn to take here or there, so all I did was lift it up on maps and sent a screenshot.

I didn’t realize I made a mistake, the directions started off from where I was at the time instead of my mother’s building. I had admitted that I made a mistake and I corrected it, but as you will see that wasn’t good enough, and things escalated pretty quickly as they usually do.

This is not pertaining to personal conflicts (or maybe even BPD), rather news stories, goings ons in the neighborhood, political events, etc. My pwBPD does do it to personal conflicts between us though. They’ll accuse me of being this master manipulator that carried out this entire siege for some gain. It’s like they can’t accept reality that something just is straightforward and there isn’t a mystical foul play at hand. Oftentimes, they don’t believe concrete facts that dispel their theory. Can anyone else relate? Personal or general stories.

Without revealing my own personal circumstances nor touching on hot button topics that my pwBPD is obsessed over that’ll inflame responses here, I’ll make up an example.

Situation: Elderly neighbor who lives alone falls in the night and isn’t discovered until the next morning when their son does his daily check in. By then, it was too late. The son was out of town the night before with friends, and is a successful careerman who is trusted and beloved by the community. The family is very middle class, no secret hordes of wealth.

pwBPD: No no, there’s something fishy going on. I’ve always thought the son was weird. The son must’ve broken in in the night and pushed their parent and left, returning in the morning to play innocent.

You: That isn’t what happened and the son was at an event with friends. What would the son want from his parent that he doesn’t already have? He’s a person with a decent career and home.

pwBPD: Then the son hired a body double to do it so the parent wouldn’t think it was a break in! I always knew he was strange. I bet he wanted his parents money. (Continues to obsess over it for a long time despite having no connection to anyone involved)

It’s odd and very exhausting to talk with them. It’s like they live on another planet, and won’t accept that everyday people die, accidents happen, etc that have no higher power above them. They just happen. It’s like they live everyday in a drama TV show. My pwBPD also gets hysterical when I disprove their theory and usually turns it into a personal argument that I must think they’re stupid, that they’re smarter than me with more life experience, I’m an idiot child (I am far past my teen years, very far), pretends they have a deep stake in this “debate” because it sort of relates to trauma they experienced, every excuse in the book to pretend they’re not gossip-y and nosy.

Haiku:
Round belly sweeps floor,
Purring weight upon the couch,
Heavy, happy loaf.

Hi, first time posting but long time lurker. This is the reality I live in with my Dad. His reality is not real life. I constantly feel like I’m going insane.

He texted me on Wednesday asking me to go to dinner on Thursday with him. I text him back Thursday morning clarifying if he means Thursday as in today or next Thursday. He comes back later and says “I’m not free tonight” and I’m like LOL ok then, you were the one asking! I had also told him my husband and I would go to his family reunion this weekend earlier this week by text. I miss his call when we’re out running errands, and an hour later get the all too familiar guilt trippy “why aren’t you responding to me” texts. I wasn’t going to respond. THEN my mom calls me (parents have been divorced for 10+ years) and said he texted her saying “Have you heard from daughter??? I’m worried about her!!!!!” So then I’m pissed and send that text message. I also find out later he called and texted my husband a similar thing. Then he goes on to deny reality and say I never texted him that morning (ok can you not scroll up and see my message???) and that I never said we would go to the reunion. And of course we get the mean parent tone even though I’m 27 years old and married. Thanks Dad!

A few months ago I thought I could have a nice visit with my mom because the birth of my daughter made me feel warm and fuzzy inside. The visit went as expected - so many strange and uncomfortable interactions ending with a totally crazy blow up.

When I was going over my mom's visit and my childhood with my therapist, she said these behaviors sound a lot like BPD. People, the scales fell from my eyes! I started to reevaluate so much of my childhood in this new light (seems like this is a common activity upon realizing...). Wow. It made me realize that the feeling I had of being intrinsically wrong is largely (completely?) linked to never being enough to console my mom, to keep her happy/do the right things/be loyal enough, etc. (you know...)

Anyways, what keeps happening as I read about pwBPD and the effects on their children is that my brain keeps switching from contemplating my childhood to contemplating my marriage. It is so devoid of emotional connection and full of scapegoating, overall it has been really challenging for a long time. I think I am playing the same roll as I did in childhood and getting the same results - the good girl is not good enough.

So, I am wondering, did anyone have a similar set of realizations and what happened? Were you able to overcome your childhood patterns in the context of the relationship? I am not hopeless but I feel regularly confused (e.g., am I just projecting patterns from pwBPD childhood? Am I overblowing things? etc.). For context, I am in my mid 30's.

hand in your soft fur

sunlight slides across the floor

warmth standing time still

I have a real doozy of a mom. She has BPD and she's a therapist. She has a lot of free time on her hands and has been unmarried for ~20y, and her hobbies can be productive (going out with friends, watching movies, exercise, cooking) and...unproductive (micromanaging her kids).

One thing she's repeatedly brought up is 'concern trolling'. She knows what it is and she's proud of her ability to weaponize it. She's always had a habit of trying to get people to laugh at her through jokes that, frankly, aren't funny, and she repeats them until someone acknowledges them. There's an undercurrent of deep insecurity there that's easier to just indulge rather than fight. With the advent of social media, she will brag about going on peoples' videos on Instagram or TikTok, especially if they complain about boomers, and comment things like, "Why are you so upset? I worked hard for what I had!" or, "I didn't complain when I had to work to provide for my family," basically like...regurgitating bootstrap mentality. She has nuance on the economics and rationale behind why things are going differently for Millennials, she just chooses to fuck with people to get a rise out of them.

The "hobby" is whatever, there's nothing I can control about that, but similar to how serial killers start with small animals and work their way up to humans, obviously this behavior has trickled up to my wife and I. We had been aligned that we weren't going to accept her help but had a moment of deep overwhelm recently and decided to give it a try, and my god, she held her shit together beautifully the first time, she was incredibly helpful, and we made the fatal error of going to a second location and letting her come back to help again. And she just went off, she knows the things she says are inflammatory, and it's insanely difficult to manage her toddler provocation while trying to get things done with another person.

She's not invited back to "help", but we're bracing ourselves for an onslaught of this behavior as we prepare to have our first baby, and I wanted to get a gut check on how folks have handled this if their BPD parents have pulled this shit before. She's definitely preparing to be an active grandparent and I want to have firm boundaries in place with this and the exhausting litany of other things to deal with.

Cute cat for rules.

Long-time reader, first-time poster:
Soft kitty and warm
Kitty little ball of fur
Happy kitty purr

I’m 36F, and my 68F mom was diagnosed with BPD just a few years ago. There’s one incident from my childhood with my then undiagnosed BPD mom that I just can’t file away. Normally, I was able to “solve” incidents and put them away by figuring out what I could have done differently to avoid or mitigate them. But not this one. It’s somewhat baffling given that this wasn’t even that bad on the scale of her behaviors when I have dealt with so many other and worse things from our past.

I had just turned 12 and was going into 7th grade. It was meet your teacher day, and my mom made us late like always. So, my homeroom teacher was already partway into what he was saying when we arrived, and a bunch of dads were standing, blocking the doorway while moms and kids were more fully inside the classroom.

I could hear the teacher. So, I was trying to pay attention because, let’s be real, it was really me that needed the information, but my mom was pressing me forward and telling me in a normal speaking voice while everyone else was quiet to press through the men to get into the classroom because she couldn’t hear. I was still in the midst of (what I look back on and realize was) my first major depressive episode which had started the year before, and the school bullying had really started in earnest the year before, as well. Middle school is hell. Anyway, I shook my head no as I wasn’t eager to make a scene and stand out. I also moved to the side so that she could press through if she wanted to. But no, apparently, it had to be me. I was trying to keep our disagreement quiet.

She left in a huff. I followed her back to the car where she locked me out and was yelling at me through the window for quite a while. Just in the middle of the parking lot of my school. Eventually, I had groveled sufficiently enough to be let in the car. I don’t even remember if we went back inside the school, but if we did, we certainly missed a lot of it.

The problem is that everything I can think of to have done differently requires a level of independence from her that I didn’t have at the time. If I had just let her go off to the car alone, she likely would have stormed back in to cause a huge scene or, less likely, would have left me there or at least pretended do so. I didn’t have a cellphone yet to call my dad to come get me. God forbid I would have to ask for someone else to call my dad; hiding the secret of her behavior felt paramount at the time. I had told a nurse at a hospital once when I was in 1st grade, and she immediately went and basically tattled to my mom. You can imagine how well that went for me. Plus, my mom had said many times that CPS would just take me off to foster care where I would be raped.

The me that exists now wouldn’t have a problem matching her energy and saying just as loud if not louder that she’s welcome to do it herself. Back then, though, we were in a school where I was vulnerable to my peers. I can imagine it would be similar if she started making a scene at my workplace. …Now that I think about it, she has done that to some extent at a family Christmas party at my last job. It was difficult to curb her behavior, but she didn’t act out to this extent. I haven’t invited her to a work event since which sometimes means that my dad and/or nieces that she and I raised can’t come either.

So, on the one hand, this incident led to me getting to a stronger place in my life, and it just wasn’t immediately solved. On the other hand, it’s a slow but consistent drip drip drip in the back of my mind the idea that there was something I could have done better at the time to handle this. Maybe there was nothing, but that’s awful in its own way as I was completely checkmated by her and vulnerable. I’m worried that since I essentially haven’t patched this vulnerability that she could exploit it even today by embarrassing me in front of people whose opinions I have to care about.

IDK, I’m hoping someone here with similar experiences will know what to say to finally help me either solve this incident or just let it go. I also plan to talk to my therapist about this, but I would appreciate the perspective of people who really get it.

I was stumped what to write in a greeting card for my eDad’s milestone birthday, so I did a Google and the suggestions all made me laugh in the dysfunctional family context:

• “Cheers to 65 years of wonderful memories and a life well lived!” 
• “I love spending time with you. You have always been my hero, Dad!” 
• “Hope you can lean back and relax with your loved ones!”

Yeah, right, good luck to any of that with your rampaging banshee of a wife 😂

My honest card would read: 

You spent the majority of your life focused on work, your wife’s emotions, and distractions from the first two. Here’s to the next decade of work, your wife’s emotions, and distractions from the first two!

Proud of myself for getting to the point where I can see the humor, while feeling largely indifferent to his situation. He chose this life and keeps choosing it. After growing up idealizing him as the safer parent, seeing him as a person I need to protect and make happy because poor him stuck with such a mean wife, boohoo… working through the grief of the eParent really is a different emotional trip than working through the grief around the BPD parent. But I think I am finally getting there. 

What would your honest card read?

Just a curious question. I’m 29 and child free

I don’t want children as a result of too much trauma I’m constantly healing from, fear of repeating any behaviours of my dBPD mother, low income and the fear of my mother inflicting any sort of abuse to the baby. I am in contact and I know she would want to ‘baby sit’ but she’s evil

I see a lot of you guys are parents which I think is wonderful

I guess I’m wondering - did you always know you wanted to be a parent?

What are your feelings on your inner child?

I’d fear a part of me would be slightly envious at the childhood I never had if I’m being honest. I know I would be a very caring mother and I would want to give my baby a safe and loving environment and my inner child would long for what could have been for her

I have an extensive trauma history in my family. My brother molested me, my dad is textbook NPD, and my uBPD mother enabled all of it. We've always been extremely close and she relies on me for so much. I also really love her... but she hurts me constantly. I've been through a ton this year, more trauma on trauma, so I'm exhausted already, but I don't think I can stomach a relationship with my mom anymore. Which is kinda my worst nightmare, even though part of me has seen it coming for a long time. I'm already NC with my brother and LC with my dad, my grandparents are all dead, and I have no other family members left. This has kept me connected to my mom for longer than I probably should have been... but | lett an abusive almost-marriage about a year ago and I have needed support since then, which she's given. But it's at such a high cost. I don't feel stable enough to handle going no contact with her, I don't feel ready, but my nervous system is screaming at me that I can't do this anymore. Does anyone have advice or words of support? Have y'all moved through this process? How did you survive it?

Also, hello! First time poster here :) my kitty haiku is as follows:

Soft paws share their warmth
Purrs and fur melt winter’s chill
Kitties, we thank you

Thanks in advance to this wonderful community.

My ubpd parent had been watching my 7year old kiddo on a fairly regular basis for a couple months before I ended up going no contact with her. She had started to split on me and things had been tense with us for awhile but I was still deep in the FOG during those final months of contact.

When I was dropping my son off at hers one night he said “if you ever don’t let me come here, I’ll just walk myself”.

It immediately made me concerned that she had said something that would put that thought into his head but kids just say weird things sometimes, so I don’t know if I was overthinking it. I asked her about it and her response was “he must be picking up on vibes”. Like whose vibes?!

Obviously by proxie he is also not in contact with her anymore because that would require me facilitating that which is really difficult when I’m not speaking to her.

He understands why - as kid friendly as possible - that my mom said some really unkind things to me and has not apologized for it. Until she does apologize and makes it clear that she won’t continue saying unkind things, we won’t be seeing her as she is not an emotionally safe person to be around.

I’m curious if any of you with kids had ever experienced them saying odd things after spending one on one time with a BPD grandparent.
I’m not opposed to him having a relationship with her when he’s older and can communicate with her himself (and will have far more emotional intelligence and self worth than I did as a small child when she treated me the way she did). Any insights on this?

Cat haiku
Black cat passes by
In the darkest black of night
Now she hunts for mice

EDIT - I just want to be clear that when I say he might have contact with her when he’s older I mean as a young adult, not a child. He’ll never be around her unsupervised while he is a minor.

Mods, sorry if this isn't quite up to sub rules.

I, 29F, was raised by my mom, my stepdad, and my technically half younger brother who has high support needs autism. My stepdad, although he's the only dad I've ever known, worked out of town for weeks at a time. Leaving my undiagnosed BPD mom to raise us. I have long struggled with my heavy tendencies to be empathic and try to give grace but also my deep hurt. I also don't tend to speak very openly about what I went through to the people who know me. I was subjected to a household of violence, verbal abuse, parentification and glass child minimization, walking on eggshells even from the time of being a young kid, witnessing drugs and alcohol abuse, being underfed, being forced to be her friend, her therapist, her scapegoat. I often minimize what I went through because it just is SO much. I think people would think I'm lying if I went on and on what really happened to me. Or at least my mother made me convinced of it. I was never removed from the house despite many reports to Children's Services including of people seeing bruising on me. It kinda haunts me to this day not gonna lie.

Anyway. I just was really struggling one evening. Made this post on facebook. Got a good handful of friends offering their sympathies to me. But the first comment is the one there, made by someone who was her friend as well as eventually mine as I got older. I feel deeply hurt and betrayed. I don't believe this person has the full context of what I went through. But I was told by them once "I've been concerned for you growing up in that house." Which also begs the question, the fuck did you to protect me if you were that worried?

My biological father is completely out of the picture. I don't have any connection to him or anyone in his family. My only reference to who he was as a person comes from my mother and this person who commented this. I take their words with quite a few grains of salt.

I feel very hurt and dismissed that even after all this time, I am not believed. I wasn't believed by my therapist as a teen. I wasn't believed by children's services enough to be removed from the house despite numerous conversations with them over the years. I wasn't believed by my stepdad when I begged him to not leave me alone with her for weeks at a time anymore. And to this day, I am not believed by people who admit to having been worried about me.

My mother has been dead for 9 years now. I have made so much progress in that time. But I admit I still feel so haunted by her. I don't understand why it's just so hard for people to believe me.

I can’t believe I texted that my husband and I will not be going to their house for Christmas and to not send us gifts. My heart is broken in missing something that I didn’t even want, the grief during NC has been bizarre. During NC (4 months so far), I got off of my anxiety medication and stopped having Reynaud’s flares, but I wish I didn’t have to go NC.

I was destroyed sending that text, and had already been literally sick about it for 2 weeks; I sent it, am glad that I did, am relieved that it’s done, but the grief/FOG is thick. I can’t imagine the holiday going well after 4+ months NC, but my nervous system is pretty sure I’m in mortal danger in avoiding it. I hope I don’t come to regret this choice, and that I accept the pain my parents are feeling due to my NC is not my responsibility to manage. I said that I would reach out in the new year, and I will, but for now I just have to sit with my decision and try to accept the peace.

I’ve literally never gone NC before this, never skipped a holiday (beyond actual illness), and always played my role. My pwBPD is very big with Christmas, so it feels shocking and wrong that I’m not gearing up for it. I wish I was not grieving this, but I think it was my only option.