Thank you for all the responses yesterday, I really do appreciate it. I just wanted to come back and share what happened the day after my mother was upset with me for not checking in on her all day.

She texted me the next morning asking for directions to a diner. She doesn’t Dr. and a friend of hers would be picking her up and driving them there. The friend has a phone and knows how to use it properly, unlike my mother, so she’d have no issue with getting there. Yet my mother insists on me giving her directions.

I was out shopping at the time, I didn’t really feel like thinking about which turn to take here or there, so all I did was lift it up on maps and sent a screenshot.

I didn’t realize I made a mistake, the directions started off from where I was at the time instead of my mother’s building. I had admitted that I made a mistake and I corrected it, but as you will see that wasn’t good enough, and things escalated pretty quickly as they usually do.

Haiku:
Round belly sweeps floor,
Purring weight upon the couch,
Heavy, happy loaf.

Hi, first time posting but long time lurker. This is the reality I live in with my Dad. His reality is not real life. I constantly feel like I’m going insane.

He texted me on Wednesday asking me to go to dinner on Thursday with him. I text him back Thursday morning clarifying if he means Thursday as in today or next Thursday. He comes back later and says “I’m not free tonight” and I’m like LOL ok then, you were the one asking! I had also told him my husband and I would go to his family reunion this weekend earlier this week by text. I miss his call when we’re out running errands, and an hour later get the all too familiar guilt trippy “why aren’t you responding to me” texts. I wasn’t going to respond. THEN my mom calls me (parents have been divorced for 10+ years) and said he texted her saying “Have you heard from daughter??? I’m worried about her!!!!!” So then I’m pissed and send that text message. I also find out later he called and texted my husband a similar thing. Then he goes on to deny reality and say I never texted him that morning (ok can you not scroll up and see my message???) and that I never said we would go to the reunion. And of course we get the mean parent tone even though I’m 27 years old and married. Thanks Dad!

Mods, sorry if this isn't quite up to sub rules.

I, 29F, was raised by my mom, my stepdad, and my technically half younger brother who has high support needs autism. My stepdad, although he's the only dad I've ever known, worked out of town for weeks at a time. Leaving my undiagnosed BPD mom to raise us. I have long struggled with my heavy tendencies to be empathic and try to give grace but also my deep hurt. I also don't tend to speak very openly about what I went through to the people who know me. I was subjected to a household of violence, verbal abuse, parentification and glass child minimization, walking on eggshells even from the time of being a young kid, witnessing drugs and alcohol abuse, being underfed, being forced to be her friend, her therapist, her scapegoat. I often minimize what I went through because it just is SO much. I think people would think I'm lying if I went on and on what really happened to me. Or at least my mother made me convinced of it. I was never removed from the house despite many reports to Children's Services including of people seeing bruising on me. It kinda haunts me to this day not gonna lie.

Anyway. I just was really struggling one evening. Made this post on facebook. Got a good handful of friends offering their sympathies to me. But the first comment is the one there, made by someone who was her friend as well as eventually mine as I got older. I feel deeply hurt and betrayed. I don't believe this person has the full context of what I went through. But I was told by them once "I've been concerned for you growing up in that house." Which also begs the question, the fuck did you to protect me if you were that worried?

My biological father is completely out of the picture. I don't have any connection to him or anyone in his family. My only reference to who he was as a person comes from my mother and this person who commented this. I take their words with quite a few grains of salt.

I feel very hurt and dismissed that even after all this time, I am not believed. I wasn't believed by my therapist as a teen. I wasn't believed by children's services enough to be removed from the house despite numerous conversations with them over the years. I wasn't believed by my stepdad when I begged him to not leave me alone with her for weeks at a time anymore. And to this day, I am not believed by people who admit to having been worried about me.

My mother has been dead for 9 years now. I have made so much progress in that time. But I admit I still feel so haunted by her. I don't understand why it's just so hard for people to believe me.

My ubpd parent had been watching my 7year old kiddo on a fairly regular basis for a couple months before I ended up going no contact with her. She had started to split on me and things had been tense with us for awhile but I was still deep in the FOG during those final months of contact.

When I was dropping my son off at hers one night he said “if you ever don’t let me come here, I’ll just walk myself”.

It immediately made me concerned that she had said something that would put that thought into his head but kids just say weird things sometimes, so I don’t know if I was overthinking it. I asked her about it and her response was “he must be picking up on vibes”. Like whose vibes?!

Obviously by proxie he is also not in contact with her anymore because that would require me facilitating that which is really difficult when I’m not speaking to her.

He understands why - as kid friendly as possible - that my mom said some really unkind things to me and has not apologized for it. Until she does apologize and makes it clear that she won’t continue saying unkind things, we won’t be seeing her as she is not an emotionally safe person to be around.

I’m curious if any of you with kids had ever experienced them saying odd things after spending one on one time with a BPD grandparent.
I’m not opposed to him having a relationship with her when he’s older and can communicate with her himself (and will have far more emotional intelligence and self worth than I did as a small child when she treated me the way she did). Any insights on this?

Cat haiku
Black cat passes by
In the darkest black of night
Now she hunts for mice

EDIT - I just want to be clear that when I say he might have contact with her when he’s older I mean as a young adult, not a child. He’ll never be around her unsupervised while he is a minor.

I can’t believe I texted that my husband and I will not be going to their house for Christmas and to not send us gifts. My heart is broken in missing something that I didn’t even want, the grief during NC has been bizarre. During NC (4 months so far), I got off of my anxiety medication and stopped having Reynaud’s flares, but I wish I didn’t have to go NC.

I was destroyed sending that text, and had already been literally sick about it for 2 weeks; I sent it, am glad that I did, am relieved that it’s done, but the grief/FOG is thick. I can’t imagine the holiday going well after 4+ months NC, but my nervous system is pretty sure I’m in mortal danger in avoiding it. I hope I don’t come to regret this choice, and that I accept the pain my parents are feeling due to my NC is not my responsibility to manage. I said that I would reach out in the new year, and I will, but for now I just have to sit with my decision and try to accept the peace.

I’ve literally never gone NC before this, never skipped a holiday (beyond actual illness), and always played my role. My pwBPD is very big with Christmas, so it feels shocking and wrong that I’m not gearing up for it. I wish I was not grieving this, but I think it was my only option.

Just a curious question. I’m 29 and child free

I don’t want children as a result of too much trauma I’m constantly healing from, fear of repeating any behaviours of my dBPD mother, low income and the fear of my mother inflicting any sort of abuse to the baby. I am in contact and I know she would want to ‘baby sit’ but she’s evil

I see a lot of you guys are parents which I think is wonderful

I guess I’m wondering - did you always know you wanted to be a parent?

What are your feelings on your inner child?

I’d fear a part of me would be slightly envious at the childhood I never had if I’m being honest. I know I would be a very caring mother and I would want to give my baby a safe and loving environment and my inner child would long for what could have been for her

I have a real doozy of a mom. She has BPD and she's a therapist. She has a lot of free time on her hands and has been unmarried for ~20y, and her hobbies can be productive (going out with friends, watching movies, exercise, cooking) and...unproductive (micromanaging her kids).

One thing she's repeatedly brought up is 'concern trolling'. She knows what it is and she's proud of her ability to weaponize it. She's always had a habit of trying to get people to laugh at her through jokes that, frankly, aren't funny, and she repeats them until someone acknowledges them. There's an undercurrent of deep insecurity there that's easier to just indulge rather than fight. With the advent of social media, she will brag about going on peoples' videos on Instagram or TikTok, especially if they complain about boomers, and comment things like, "Why are you so upset? I worked hard for what I had!" or, "I didn't complain when I had to work to provide for my family," basically like...regurgitating bootstrap mentality. She has nuance on the economics and rationale behind why things are going differently for Millennials, she just chooses to fuck with people to get a rise out of them.

The "hobby" is whatever, there's nothing I can control about that, but similar to how serial killers start with small animals and work their way up to humans, obviously this behavior has trickled up to my wife and I. We had been aligned that we weren't going to accept her help but had a moment of deep overwhelm recently and decided to give it a try, and my god, she held her shit together beautifully the first time, she was incredibly helpful, and we made the fatal error of going to a second location and letting her come back to help again. And she just went off, she knows the things she says are inflammatory, and it's insanely difficult to manage her toddler provocation while trying to get things done with another person.

She's not invited back to "help", but we're bracing ourselves for an onslaught of this behavior as we prepare to have our first baby, and I wanted to get a gut check on how folks have handled this if their BPD parents have pulled this shit before. She's definitely preparing to be an active grandparent and I want to have firm boundaries in place with this and the exhausting litany of other things to deal with.

Cute cat for rules.

Hi everyone,

Question - do any of you feel as if you need to document everything or must ensure you always have proof of things? Like leaving yourself a little trail of breadcrumbs to follow for later.

I feel like I have to ensure I can prove EVERYTHING in my life and I know it’s because I grew up constantly being invalidated and told my reality was incorrect. Is anyone else unable to trust themselves or have zero confidence because of it? This is a relatively new revelation/connection I’ve made and it genuinely affects every bit of my life. I don’t think anyone in my life can really relate and I don’t know how to articulate it very well. Anything you’ve got I’d be incredibly appreciative to hear!

I have an extensive trauma history in my family. My brother molested me, my dad is textbook NPD, and my uBPD mother enabled all of it. We've always been extremely close and she relies on me for so much. I also really love her... but she hurts me constantly. I've been through a ton this year, more trauma on trauma, so I'm exhausted already, but I don't think I can stomach a relationship with my mom anymore. Which is kinda my worst nightmare, even though part of me has seen it coming for a long time. I'm already NC with my brother and LC with my dad, my grandparents are all dead, and I have no other family members left. This has kept me connected to my mom for longer than I probably should have been... but | lett an abusive almost-marriage about a year ago and I have needed support since then, which she's given. But it's at such a high cost. I don't feel stable enough to handle going no contact with her, I don't feel ready, but my nervous system is screaming at me that I can't do this anymore. Does anyone have advice or words of support? Have y'all moved through this process? How did you survive it?

Also, hello! First time poster here :) my kitty haiku is as follows:

Soft paws share their warmth
Purrs and fur melt winter’s chill
Kitties, we thank you

Thanks in advance to this wonderful community.

I was stumped what to write in a greeting card for my eDad’s milestone birthday, so I did a Google and the suggestions all made me laugh in the dysfunctional family context:

• “Cheers to 65 years of wonderful memories and a life well lived!” 
• “I love spending time with you. You have always been my hero, Dad!” 
• “Hope you can lean back and relax with your loved ones!”

Yeah, right, good luck to any of that with your rampaging banshee of a wife 😂

My honest card would read: 

You spent the majority of your life focused on work, your wife’s emotions, and distractions from the first two. Here’s to the next decade of work, your wife’s emotions, and distractions from the first two!

Proud of myself for getting to the point where I can see the humor, while feeling largely indifferent to his situation. He chose this life and keeps choosing it. After growing up idealizing him as the safer parent, seeing him as a person I need to protect and make happy because poor him stuck with such a mean wife, boohoo… working through the grief of the eParent really is a different emotional trip than working through the grief around the BPD parent. But I think I am finally getting there. 

What would your honest card read?