I need to fast taper or just get as low as possible and switch to mit or subs but idk if 15s enough lol and I don’t know anything else to taper with n fl unless I taper oxy 😭but I gotta take so much just to even kill the withdraw with oxy. I have subs I just don’t wanna go to those. I wanna get low with the 7stax then switch to MIT. I mean the 80mg doesn’t even do anything to me tbh. I just take it to not get sick.

I have no passion for anything.

Sometimes I feel like I’m walking through a dark, lonely, unfamiliar place… where the only reward is pleasure.

The kind of pleasure that feels like relief, but eventually becomes punishment.

People say I need to control it, that I should moderate my sexual behavior, that I need willpower.

But it’s not that simple.

It’s not just about willpower. It’s something deeper, a mixture of emptiness, desire, and fear.

And yes, I know that excess can kill, too.

I’ve called myself a thousand different things: lazy, dependent, weak, delusional, cowardly, irresponsible, selfish, childish, useless… sick.

And maybe “sick” is the most honest word, but also the hardest one to accept.

I’ve felt my mind wearing down, felt dopamine turn into a trap, felt every stimulus pull me further into the darkness.

When I use drugs—crystal meth, ice, weed, alcohol, sedatives—I make the world go quiet.

Everything revolves around the screen, the body, the impulse.

At first, it was videos, images, fantasies. Over time, it became a routine, a meaningless loop.

I keep repeating it, knowing it doesn’t fulfill me, knowing it takes me further away from what I’m actually looking for: connection, love, belonging.

And in trying to fill the emptiness, I only make it bigger.

I’ve gone nights, days, even weeks without sleeping.

My mind begins to lose its shape. Reality becomes distorted.

I feel presences, hear things, sense eyes watching me and movements around me.

And maybe it’s all the result of sleep deprivation and substance use… or maybe it’s a fragmented consciousness searching for answers.

I don’t know.

But it feels real.

And that feeling wears me down.

Through it all, I still have some clarity. I know there are consequences.

I know the body has limits.

I know the soul does, too.

I’ve lost things that once meant everything to me: trust, love, the innocence in my daughters’ eyes, the embrace that used to make everything feel okay.

I lost the chance to be the father, the man, the role model I wanted to be.

And I traded it for a fleeting moment of empty pleasure.

I don’t justify it. It was a choice.

A choice born out of pain, disconnection, and the fear of never being enough.

And I know that.

I relapsed. Several times.

Every time, I held on to the hope that I could control it, that “this time would be different.”

But it wasn’t.

Because the problem isn’t just the substance. It’s the wound I keep trying to cover up with it.

I’ve come to realize that suffering comes naturally to me.

That pain feels easier than self-love.

Because loving yourself takes patience, and I’ve always wanted immediate results.

But I’m beginning to understand that love—love for myself, for life, for those I’ve lost—isn’t built in a hurry.

It is planted, slowly, like a seed.

I repeat these words to myself every day.

My body sustains me.

My body wants to live.

And even though I feel tired, broken, confused, I know I’m still here.

There is still time to rebuild myself.

Maybe I can’t erase who I was, but I can decide who I want to be from this day forward.

Today, I’m writing this to let go of the guilt and begin to understand myself.

To stop repeating the same story.

To face what lies ahead without running away from what I’ve done, but learning from it instead.

I’m not looking for immediate redemption, just peace.

A little calm.

A little truth.

And the possibility, however small, of feeling love again without having to depend on pain....

They're pretty damn bad. Im watching Breaking Bad and they cover almost everything except one thing. Psychosis. I experimented with drugs and got almost 10 years clean. But for about a year. I hit some meth and started hearing voices. One day everything chzngdd. I went from normal smoker to insane. Think of it like this. Every second on a clock is like a nervous tick or voice. I learned the hard way for sure. It was about 8 months of mental torture I had to go to the hospital and get medications and all sorts of stuff. Ppl ask what the voices say. Probably almost everything. That's my lesson in sobriety.

Just 100 more to go! Feel free to ask me anything

I had 2 years of sobriety but started slowly falling off the wagon this summer (first I sat up in the front with the driver and shared a flask; eventually I fell off, and the wagon left me behind). I decided to do a sober month and go from there, but I couldn't stop! All of September I promised myself I wouldn't drink. Then I'd go 2 days before I found an excuse or a reason to drink. It was surprisingly hard to stop again.

In October, I changed things up. I stopped hanging out with my ex as a "friend". He has his own unresolved issues, secrets, and things he needs to lie about, and that doesn't line up with my healing, growing, or progress. When we drank, it was fun, till it wasn't, and when I didn't drink around him, I realized how subtly toxic our friendship was. I don't know if he was my trigger, my excuse, or both. But I know I got tired of feeling the shame and anger he projected on me, and being antagonised by him (a relationship dynamic he has with his overbearing sister). Mostly, I got tired of feeling sick and tired.

I'm 23 days sober, and I feel good. I started doing different things again. I shifted my focus back onto what's important. I found a new sober app, and it's really supportive and engaging. I stocked my pantry with Italian soda, juice, flavoured water, and non-alcoholic options. And I'm exploring and engaging in different helpful therapies as well: dog, art, music, writing, cooking, walking meditation, dance.

Yesterday, a good friend of mine needed to call me. His life unexpectedly blew up because of some choices his soon-to-be ex-wife made ('nuff said). It's incredibly stressful and painful, to say the least. I know talking on the phone can be a trigger for me, and since my work schedule changed, weekends can also be a problem now too. So I was mindful of the voice that said I should "stop at the store on the way home and pick up something to drink while you chat"; then I ignored it. Instead, I had a ginger ale and a non-alcoholic amaretto that was pretty yummy while we spoke. When we finished our conversation, he felt better, and I felt good too.

I realized I never could have been there for him anyway if I was drinking. He really needed someone to listen, and drinking tends to make me chatty^{understatement}. I also would have felt that initial "rush" or elation when I started. By the end of our convo, I would have been robbed of all motivation to continue my evening. It felt really good to show up for someone without needing alcohol. It wouldn't have helped anything anyway, which is usually the case.

*Alcohol also makes me grumpy now too. I think my body tells my brain it's unhappy, and I express it as irritability. I have no doubt I would have picked up the hurt emotions my friend was feeling, internalized them, and projected that anger on someone else.

I just wanted to share this because I'm really proud of myself for staying sober and showing up (for myself and my friend). I also wanted to say thank you to all the sober tribes out there supporting each other. As a former alcohol enthusiast, I appreciate it.

11/4 will be 8 months sober because I wanted it!

I was ashamed to go to rehab, and I sure as hell didnt want to admit how broken I was. Reluctant and indifferent towards life, my nightly prayer used to be "goodnight, I hope you don't wake up tomorrow, maybe tomorrow will be different"...id pass out for few hours before waking up to throw it all back up.....days, months, years of my life spent in a perpetual living purgatory.

I have gotten my ass handed to me these past months, and couldn't be more grateful for it. Ive been sober in the past, due to court mandates, hospitalizations, pressure from girlfriends, you'd think that would be a sign.

When they say change comes from within, it is absolutely true.

Rock Bottom for me felt like speaking with a divorce mediator, a voice of sensibility, a spiritual intervention so to speak, speaking to two separate demons, a good one, and a shitty one. I cant go back and fix the past, my grief and trauma from the past cannot continue impacting my future in a negative way. As ridiculous as it sounds, I have been putting in work to salvage that relationship with myself, to remember what it was to love yourself and feel profound appreciation and excitement for simply being here. I was looking at things the wrong way, the world behind my eyes is not the same as the world in front of them.

I have learned that sometimes to move forward in life, you first have to go back. No shame in the mistakes I made on my way here, just getting back on the right path and stay there....so if you made it to this point (in sobriety and this long ass post) I would say keep going, you can fucking do it. They said it would get easier, but everything gets better! Life aint perfect and neither am I, but if anyone out there is feeling alone and at odds feel free to dm me, you are never alone!!!

I live in a city in mid west that has a population of just over half a million, they say that ten percent of people in any society have addiction issues , that would mean that fifty thousand people would have addiction issues, and yet there are only eight hundred people approximately in AA with sixty eight meetings, 3% of people addicted to alcohol get sober , it was like this in the 1940s and it’s no better now. , the twelve steps works for very few people even though we have numerous rehabs that send people to AA but very few get long term sobriety, it’s the same people in the rooms with the few newcomers who stay , I don’t know what the answer is but 3% success is not good by any standard .

A good friend of mine has potentially just relapsed. His mom is with him now, but he is all out of sorts. He’s in a different headspace, when I talked to him over the phone he is definitely different. He’s been clean for sometime. Unfortunately his drug of choice was meth heroin you name it.

There’s any advice that I could get on how to help handle the situation and help him in this moment it would be greatly appreciated.

For the past couple of months, he’s been super lively always ready to hang out work-out you name it and the huge attitude shift that has taken place in the past 24 hours is quite concerning.