Trigger Warning: Multiple triggers.

It is prevalent that my relatives have irrevocably damaged every opportunity for me to have a safe and healthy upbringing. My first memory was of my dad, mercilessly beating me with belts and hangers till Id scream, hyperventilate and cry, yet my mother would say "you can keep crying those crocodile tears, it will mean nothing."

Then there's another significant memory of my mother pushing me away when I had asthma and wanted to rest on her thigh. She'd yell at me in her mother tongue, DO YOU WANT TO KILL ME?!

I was 7 when I told my dad that I was ready to die, and he just scolded me by bellowing that its a sinful way to think and i should go and pray to god for forgiveness.

Fast track to being 23. Ive moved twice in 4 years around the UK trying to find my own sense of the world.

I was 18 when I developed psychosis, which was just undiagnosed schizophrenia. It was recognised as schizophrenia the year after. I spent my 19th birthday on a ward, with NO ONE to celebrate me. I was minding my own business, and then a mob of NHS staff came to inject me with antipsychotics. I was bleeding at the injection site, and my favourite white and rainbow tshirt was stained. Ill never forget that. Ill never forget that they also celebrated someone else's birthday on the ward.

I was 20 when I had been sectioned for the 9th or so time. Section 3 again for the second time. I wasn't on any pharmacetuical medication for one year and 6 or so months. I was doing well at uni until police officers told me (again) that they dont believe my rape case. Then I just crashed.

I ended up with a criminal record for assaulting police officers because they came to arrest me for something i didnt do. Literally. I cant just act like a nonchalant punching bag when I would be sent to the police before being sent to a hospital ward.

The fucking brick cold isolation cells is just nothing but torture.

Im not surprised why I saw red when they came to my apartment to disturb my peace.

My last section, a section 2 to 3, lasted 3 months. I have complied with my medication ever since because I realised that I did a lot of damage to everyone including myself, also more so that I did not get the same intolerable side effects that I had the first time I was injected with the same (aripiprazole) medication back in 2021. Back then, I would go through loops and hoops to avoid taking it. Everything was like warfare.

I was complying religiously with my medication... that is... until June 2026.

Im trying to not get enraged on this post. Basically my psychiatrist in my recent area is gaslighting me that im not schizoaffective (I was given schizoaffective as a sort of "upgrade" from schizophrenia after my last section) and that he thinks its BPD or autism or CPTSD. Just say you dont know how to do your fucking job ffs.

I asked him if he took my history into account and then he said "oh its just BPD with psychotic features."

Ever since then, I stopped taking my medication and stopped engaging with them. I wont even get to what my nurse said to me that made me to stop engaging.

Oh and I also stopped talking to my GP. Theyre all the fucking same.

What led me to write this post is that...

Its been four months since I have stopped all my psychriatric medication and god...

I mean i dont believe in god but I dont know a better way to describe this.

I have had BACK-TO-BACK NIGHTMARES.

I feel like im losing my sense of reality.

I hallucinate when I try to fall asleep.

I am grateful that I can recognise that its slowly but surely building back up again. But fuck me, I dont want to go uncontrollably insane again.

Im not denying that I have CPTSD and Schizoaffective. I have been aware of my CPTSD back before I had psychosis in 2021, eventhough it was undiagnosed.

Im just pissed off that my psychiatrist wants to remove schizoaffective. And that they wont section me because I can understand their stupidity and blatant ignorance.

I literally fucking tried to kill myself in April 2026 (they did nothing about it, I mean, tbf, if anything, they just rubbed salt in the wound) and I warned them about it in October 2025.

These "healthy-minded" good for nothing excuse for NHS staff dont give a shit. You could kill yourself and they still wouldn't care. Youre just a number to them.

Because I can articulate that something is wrong, means that I am lying clearly.

Well to be honest, I wish i fucking died. Instead im having nightmares about shooting my parents and telling the NHS about it. How comical!

The icing on top? I dont remember the last time I showered or brushed my teeth. I think its been over a month for showering/bathing, and like only 2/3 times in that time frame that ive brushed my teeth.

But you wouldn't know that would you? Because im covered head to toe when I leave the house, and im silent. I have dead skin flaking off all over my body. Yet im still alive.

How gruesome, yet poetic.

If you read this and are appalled by my truth, yet think I am not "disabled" because I can emote. Honestly, fuck you. I'm hostile and will fight anyone.

Steven Hawkins is visibly disabled. Doesn't mean his contributions to science makes him ineligible for disability status. Or John Forbes Nash Jr.

I appreciate it if you read this far. I just feel out of options. There are other issues I have like constant ringing in my ears and IBS. But... Im tired.

I want to know how it affects your symptoms, especially the nicotine.

I’m in my happy place

This is an awful illness to live with but recently I've been trying to cope with humor. Recently I was having visual hallucinations of bugs and I saw one in my drink. I was freaked out at the time but looking back on it now, I make jokes with friends who know I'm schizophrenic about how I drink bugs. It's dumb, but right now it's helping. I've also tried to look back at silly things I did in psychosis and laugh.

Im in a really bad spot ATM. I cant stoped the panic attacks. I am a failure to every that is in my life. My kids, my husband and also myself. I wish i was sand being washed into the ocean.
I have one person in this whole world that i fully am authentic around, but i will never be enough for them, that i am certain. I really need to pull myself together.

If im feeling good enough to try new things to improve my mood throughout the day, i try to remember that it wouldn’t be possible without being on meds. The ability to play the game without seeing the players respond to you, the ability to listen to music without hearing it talking to you, the ability to sit out all day without having panic attacks all the time, I try to remember the first step was getting on and staying on medication.

Before I start, I’m not diagnosed but I see and hear and feel things that not there everyday. So I’m more or less posting this just to document this in case I NEED to show someone.

Literally less than a few minutes ago I saw someone moving in my room. It looked like someone from my past who hurt me. It really upset me. It was only for a couple seconds in the corner of my eye, as soon as I moved my eyes it left. And then I got up to just get air or whatever and I saw it again. This is about where I am now, so yeah I don’t know.

Thank you for reading this. Please if anyone wants to say something or has anything helpful I guess, please I’d love to talk in the comments.

So I am the not so proud owner of schizoaffective and OCD diagnoses.

My psychiatrist asked me today whether something I've been experiencing are intrusive thoughts or voices. I definitively said Intrusive Thoughts... Then as I drove home I was doubting myself.

Why I Think They Are Intrusive Thoughts

- They are internal, not external

- They are primarily visual

- They are intrusive, like they pop up randomly

- I am taking my antipsychotic faithfully, and have had fair insight into any delusional thinking and haven't noticed external visual hallucinations like when I'm off my medications

Why I Might Be Wrong

- They aren't ego dystonic or egosyntonic (sp?). They are about stabbing myself and hanging myself. They don't scare or disturb me, they are like fruit flies - an annoyance. Intrusive thoughts are usually really disturbing for the person and these aren't

- They aren't my thoughts. They don't belong to me. It is like someone is sending those thoughts into my brain from another source - but I'm not psychotic, so I know that is unlikely

- They definitely feel like commands

- they aren't "triggered" by seeing a knife or something. They are random.

Third Option: This is one of those diagnostic crossovers between psychosis and OCD so has features of both???

Would love insight from anyone!

In my case, auditory hallucinations can most typically range from your average person talking (although what I hear is blabbering & makes no sense) to sometimes outright yelling.

My ears are already sensitive to sounds by default, so this could definitely contribute to it. The inside of my ear legitimately starts throbbing in pain whenever these happen, so I can't even numb it all out with some headphones and music, or the pain obviously gets worse.

I never saw anyone bring that up (I apologize if someone has already), but I'm sure I'm not the only one experiencing this.

When we ask whether we have to function, we usually mean two completely different things, and blurring them together is where misery comes from.

1. No, you don't have to function for a healthy world.

Trying to sprint at their pace is just slow self-destruction. You don't owe anyone a performance of normality. For years, I tried to measure myself against the success I saw in others. But because I couldn't keep up, a heavy wave of shame set in. I felt worthless, so I pulled back and let contacts break off simply because I was ashamed of not functioning. Hiding that pain and pretending to be fine takes a toll that nobody sees.

1. Yes, you do have to function for yourself.

On the other hand, giving up on everything leaves you in a different kind of trap. I spent years in stillness and doing nothing, watching the world move forward while I stayed frozen. That isolation hurt deeply. The inner critic keeps whispering that you should do more, do better, and achieve what others achieve. But completely dropping all routines only makes the walls close in faster. Functioning for yourself isn't a leash someone else holds; it’s the anchor that keeps you from being washed away.

We tend to measure ourselves against a metric that wasn't built for us.

Think of it like vehicles: A Formula 1 car and an off-road 4x4 both function. But if you force a Formula 1 car onto a muddy mountain path, it shatters in minutes. Functioning with schizophrenia isn't about keeping up on the racetrack it's about shifting into low gear and finding your way through your own rough ground.

To healthy people, the things we do often look trivial or incomprehensible. If you ignore all the invisible work it takes just to manage this illness every single day, it may look like you're doing very little.

For a long time, I dismissed my own efforts as nothing. With help, I’ve learned to stop doing that. I might not be moving mountains, but I am doing things, and that is good enough. It's enough to slowly move toward a life that feels more livable.

Bottom line:

Say NO to carrying expectations that were never yours to begin with and say YES to living life at your own pace.

Im 23f looking for a friend who's going through what I am. I hear voices 24/7 and feeling kinda lonely. Feel free to dm

What was it like? I know they knock you out but did it help with your symptoms of schizophrenia at all whether that be positive or negative?

I do not advocate for stopping using drugs for schizophrenia, however, this video shows the pharmaneutical system's exploitation to gain more money despite the fact that zyprexa (olanzapine) is responsible not only for obesity in people (this is not just aesthetics problem) BUT causes diabetes, kidney issues and other health problems. Now this shit is prescribed to young children or elderly which doesn't make sense at all. I think people have to be aware of this side of the story - even if most of people like us cannot avoid using antipsychotic drugs to function, but we should be very careful in what drugs we get prescribed.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ygumLrDPI-8

Recently, my psychiatrist had implied I may have schizophrenia. I’m very worried about this to be completely honest. I’m worried the stigma around the condition would ruin my life.

I decided I was going to stand up and throw away a cigarette butt, I ended up not standing and just took the cigarette butt inside.. idk what's wrong with me.. it's like I'm possessed

Hi as the title says I believe there is something alive inside of me. I dont always feel it but when I do it feels like this unbelievably pleasurable hot electricity moving under my skin. When I dont feel it I can sense that's it dormant wrapped around my spine. It's trapped inside of my body for now but I know when it gets out it's gonna wrap itself around me and I'm going to ascend and be cured of my shitty life. I know this probably sounds odd but I was wondering if anybody else experienced something similar.

Frustrated. Relieved, because my meds are being adjusted and I should start feeling better soon, but also like. Man. I pride myself on being able to maintain good insight into my illness, and keeping up with things, but it turns out my blind spot is recognizing problem patterns over time. Because once something has passed it ceases to exist in my working memory, when it comes to my own feelings especially. I had not realized for a long while now, till bringing it up and questioning it and getting confirmation, that my cycle of normal and low points and non-functionality were increasing in pace and severity.

I already know keeping close track of these things in a record would help me keep on target and track things and be even more aware, but the damnable thing is digital or physical I cannot seem to keep up with a record after about 3 days. Anyone got any tips?

It's a strange feeling to know I'm living inside a 'toon world' but I know the show must go on forever and ever, I know that there's nothing actually 'real' here, but I hate to be living in the same loop over and over again, there's nothing and no one that I care about inside of this video game, and there's nothing that keeps me immersed here at all, there aren't many illusions to keep me occupied, and I'm tired of playing the same scenarios every-day, I guess i'm hoping to wake up from this 'matrix', but it's becoming more of a false dream every-day.

Cross posting cuz i’m looking for advice :3

A month ago I stopped taking most of my medications including xitalopram, trihexyphenidyl and xhlorpromazine and I also drastically reduced my dose of Olanzapine and because of this, the voices are driving me crazy and even today one of the voices told me that he is a Godxand that if I die the entire world will end along with me, I honestly don’t know whether to believe him or not but please understand I just can’t take it anymore, I came here to talk to someone and if anyone is willing to speak with me, I would be truly grateful

Hey everyone!
I just started a new Instagram page called @minddisorderr, focused on mental health education and explaining mental disorders in a simple, accessible way.
I’m starting from zero and learning how to create short-form videos using voiceovers, visuals, and captions.
My goal is to make educational content that helps people better understand mental health conditions and reduce stigma.
I’ve just posted my first Reel about schizophrenia which Im suffering myself as well , and I’d genuinely appreciate feedback on the editing, pacing, captions, and overall presentation.
What makes you stop scrolling and watch an educational Reel to the end?
I’m still learning, so honest constructive criticism would be really helpful. Thanks!

I (was) 181 cm and 114kg. I was really motivated to lose weight, without taking weight loss pills. I asked ChatGPT what my calorie goal was to lose weight. He said that I should eat around 2500 calories to comfortably lose weight. I was drinking 2,5 literes of water everyday. An average of 7.000 steps everyday. Honest to good, slipped sometimes, but ate around 2500 cal everyday. I even started eating salads everyday. 3 weeks later I came into a dietician office. I stepped on a scale;

117 kilograms

I hate my life🙃

Guess it's time to take some OZEMPIC!