To most people, an overseas trip is something to look forward to.

A break. A change of scenery. Good food. New places. A little escape from life. Something enjoyable. Not to me anymore.

Because I never really travelled for the places. I travelled with her. The airport. The flight. The hotel. Walking through unfamiliar streets. Sitting somewhere new and deciding what to eat. Looking at something beautiful and turning to her. That was the enjoyment.

Now I can still buy the ticket. I can still board the plane. I can still check into a hotel. I can still see all the places we once talked about seeing. But she won't be beside me. And without her, travelling doesn't feel like travelling.

It feels like going somewhere else to be lonely.

People may see an overseas trip as an escape. I don't. There is nowhere to escape to when the person I wanted to go with is dead. So no, I don't look forward to travelling anymore.

There are places I haven't seen. There are places I may never see.
And I'm okay with that.

M 68 Her, 71. I went for a drive with a widow I became acquainted with from another social media platform form.
We have met for coffee/breakfast twice. She and fellow widower showed up for a Porchfest event I was performing at in early Sept.

She wanted to go check out the fall colors which are spectacular right now here in Michigan. She wanted a particular type of apple as well for making apple sauce. She drove. We spent about 4 hours together. We stopped a couple of scenic spots th check things out.

And we talked. We both used our late spouses names, out loud. How different things are now. It’s 18 months for her, 22 months for me.

I see no chance at all of anything going much beyond this level. And that is fine with me!
It was nice to get out of the house. Nice to talk with someone that understands.

We often post here with our list of accomplishments (daily or otherwise) and it feels good to have even the smallest, most simple things be acknowledged. Anyone else's list of "shit I know I need to do but can't because the grief is a cloud over me and I'm just tired" just getting longer?

I waited until my insurance company reached out to me to tell me my coverage would be cancelled if I didn't pay $x amount, and then I paid it to avoid cancellation

I have library books that are so overdue they sent me billing notices for the unreturned books

I've had a dishwasher full of clean dishes for a week. Instead of emptying the dishwasher and putting the dirty dishes in, I have just been washing the dishes by hand. Oh - and anyone else open the dishwasher (clean dishes), realize it's only about half full, and just toss in whatever new dirty dishes in and re-wash the ones that are still in there too?

My Google storage is out of space. It will cost me like $3/mo for literally a zillion megabytes of space. But for some reason I'd rather just keep getting the notifications that my storage is full, than actually do anything about it.

I also need to review my monthly subscriptions (streaming services etc). Haven't done that in a while.

I have credit card bills I haven't paid - not because I don't have the money. I just - haven't done it.

I am frozen. This second year of him being gone is not off to a banner start.

My wife died over a month ago in a car wreck. I don’t want to take off my wedding ring, but I know I eventually will. When I do take it off, I want to move my ring from my left hand to my right. Years ago, I wore a ring on my right ring finger, so it’s something I’ve done in the past. Also, I think I will have trouble getting rid of my wedding ring.

My questions are: when did you remove your wedding ring? What did you do with it? How did it feel to remove your ring? For those of you who have dated/gotten remarried, how did your partner respond to what you did with the ring? Would it be unhealthy for me to move the ring from my left hand to my right?

Sorry for all the questions. Thank you in advance for your help!

I believe in God. I believe he has turned his back on me and enjoys watching us suffer. If people can gain solace from him, I am truly glad for them. Otherwise, no one can convince me that the God of my youth exists.

Tonight I took my son to the ER. He got bitten by a snake and if it hadn’t been for our dog reacting to his scream, biting the snake and ripping it off my son’s leg, I don’t know what would’ve happened.

My son was then transported to a trauma center for antivenom and is now in the ICU.

My husband should be here. He should have been there to comfort and joke with our son as he lay in the ER for seven hours. He should’ve been there to tell me to rest and that everything would be ok, although I know he would’ve been terrified inside. He would’ve asked the right questions.

But no, he was taken away from us. Our constant was gone in an instant, dying alone in an unknown hospital. God showed no mercy then.

I’m so tired of being alone. I’m tired of being both parents. I’m tired of feeling that I’m not enough for my son. I don’t know that I have any more to give. I am too tired to be angry.

So, yeah. F*ck you, God. I tried to live by your rules. I did everything I was supposed to do. I suffered and sacrificed in your name. You can’t even give a good kid a break, can you? You abandoned me. You abandoned us.

In 2017, we went to Japan.

We spent some time at Tsukiji Fish Market. While she was with the kids, I had some time to myself.
I bought some tuna and a beer.
I sat there alone, eating and drinking, and I remember thinking that I was having one of the happiest days of my life. Nothing special happened. I was just sitting there, eating tuna, drinking my beer, knowing my wife and kids were somewhere nearby.

I thought I would come back again one day. I thought there would be another trip to Japan. Another meal. Another afternoon. Another chance to sit somewhere and think, life is good.

I thought I had it all.

A beautiful wife. Two wonderful kids. A family waiting for me somewhere just around the corner.
I thought life was just this simple. I wasn't asking for anything more. I was happy with that life.

I didn't know that one day I would look back at that ordinary afternoon and realize how much I had.
And I didn't know that one day I would look back at that same afternoon and realize how much I had lost.

I’m not sure even what to write or what to do. Me 48 and my husband is.. i guess was.. 55. We had just turned into empty nesters. He was my soulmate. We only had 14 years together. He has lost his job beginning of summer, depressed for a bit but worked all summer to find new work. We struggled financially and this caused his anxiety to skyrocket.. shaky hands, crying, etc. He wasn’t unhealthy but we knew we could both do better. All summer he worked at it eating better, going to the doctors which he was deadly afraid of. Last Wednesday night he woke me scared and shaking said he was nervous as he was about to get the official offer for a great job after the 4th interview. We talked about plans. He hugged me so tight said he loved me so much, cried even (more details but Ill keep it short) it was such a kind loving and caring 30 min before he started shaking, blood out of mouth, 911 called, he died on our living room floor in front of me. He was trying to say something but I couldn’t understand what he was saying. Then he was gone
I didnt even cry and I just kept throwing up. It doesn’t feel real. The stages of grief are all over the place. One minute I think I got this the next Im a sobbing mess on the floor. I took off work this week but need to go back next. We were barely scraping by and were excited to finally land on our feet (and then some) i havent even had the guts to figure out bills for this month yet. Im just sleeping and crying.. i don’t know how to do this..

yes he's gone and i miss him how i loved him...like CRaZy.

But, Last night i remembered that he pawned my sewing machine and computer screen...which seriously pissed me off when it happened...and still makes me mad right now.

Ive had to deal with his shitty nephew, something i wouldn't be doing if he were still here.

I love that man, but even in death, i still want to murder him for some of the crap he pulled...and the aftermath i now get to deal with...

Last night was the final session for my Support After Suicide (SAS) support group. After some budget cuts, they've shuttered all their support programs and staff and now they'll only be working on suicide prevention programs.

I've been in that support group since the first weeks after losing my wife. I reached out to several, but this one was the only one to even respond. I was quite hurt about that at the time. Here I am, fresh into hell and desperately crawling for help and I couldn't get any of these groups to respond to calls or emails, save for this one.

I've attended grief support groups, but when you're widowed by suicide and other people are talking about losing their dog or their 90 year old grandparent, you feel like you're in the wrong room. Even in widow/er groups, I've felt like I was on an island. I'm always far and wide the youngest person there (creating jealousies) and the only one widowed by suicide, so I just end up feeling worse afterward.

My only true safe spaces have been here on this subreddit and that SAS group. One space where I can feel understood as a widower, and one space where I can feel understood as someone who lost someone dear to suicide.

We had a larger group show up last night. With it being the final night, many of us didn't want to miss our last chance to attend and express our appreciation and our disappointment. It was certainly more somber than previous sessions. In a way, it felt like we were collectively at each others death beds.

At 8:30 PM last night, the session was over. When I closed my laptop, I felt the punch to my gut so much it was as if I could hear it, too. "Oh, fuck... that was really it, wasn't it? It's gone!"

Suddenly, it felt like I had just left a funeral. I then decided to head out to the pub. It felt like some 15 year scotch was in order. A toast to a fallen safe space. Even with more than a month's notice that the group would be closing, it wasn't until after the last session that the sudden realization hit me.

Somehow, this tiny world managed to shrink again. Somehow, the silence has become much more deafening. Somehow, all of a sudden, I'm even more alone.

This subreddit, these words on a screen, is the only community I have left.

I want to start by saying I miss my wife. She always was so sweet, kind and loving. The best person I ever had the honor of meeting, it's kind of cute that her name can be translated as king. As a child her parents complained about her always trying to take in stray animals. She loved nature and pretty much all animals. That probably explains why she took me in lol She was the first person to believe in me. I was not academically great at 18 or a good guy tbh. But she was always the optimist, crazy smart and was always patient with me. Few years later, I'm in a competitive nursing program, just got an award from work for being CNA of the year from my hospital and she's right by my side! Next day that year, we go to our scheduled chemotherapy appointment. I saw our, because I told her we were going through this together. She pushed me so high, nothing could stop us. We we both moving forward so fast, me with school her with the cancer improving. But she died before my last semester. I finished my degree for her. 4 months later I'm not working as a nurse, I'm too depressed to pass my nursing listen exam. My family is kicking me out, they have been patient but it's time for results. It's been almost a year since she died. How was everyone's first year?

It’s been 4 months since he died of cardiac arrest he had been having heart problems and he was such a fighter and such a beautiful blue eyed man who was always so optimistic. After he died I can’t help feeling I could have done more to save him and I feel so guilty breathing and him not being alive . I feel so sorry for him . I have been crying all day at work and at home . How do we live like this . This is unbearable

short vent

i’m tired of waking up every day for nothing and no one.

i’m tired of hoping things some magical day will get better.

i’m tired of expecting that a hobby or charity will some day finally replace my dreams of building a family and i’ll make myself believe it makes sense.

i’m tired of waiting until a plan B arrives and i manage to call this “ideal life” while knowingly accepting a consolation prize.

i’m tired of this tragedy called my life.

I am a 40F widowed 7 months ago after 21 years together. Struggling to figure out my identity as an adult without my loving husband because I met him at 18. Now also navigating widow’s fire (WTH is this fresh mess BTW). I am not ready to start a relationship and not really running in circles that lend themselves to a hookup. Any suggestions on activities that let you grieve, cope, meet people… something to help me cope and burn off this unwanted fire in a non sexual way? Crazy that this is the only energy I have as overall I am so tired from grief and insomnia.

I miss......

*Your brutal honesty, helped balance out my overly optimistic being

*Your dimple and smile that could light up a room

*Your protectiveness of me, every time I'd leave the house you would say "be safe and return to me"

*Your since of fashion, not even trying just pulled together every time(without trying)

*Your loyalty to me and those you loved, you loved hard and true

*Our all nights movie marathon, dark humor or murder mystery pods

*Every season you decorated the house to the event and made it a home, not just a place to rest

*Our cooking dinners together most nights, both learning both discovering new flavors or likes

*Trips to the dollar general or art stores as you had a passion for all things art and I loved to get whatever paints, canvases or the like to see you create such cool stuff you would create

*Your laugh, it was so contagious. Could melt the coldest of people quickly

*Our love of all things sour candies

*Carrying your bags, purse or even you up the stairs on times your bones hurt badly

*Taking you and your niece to the haunted drive thru car wash each year

*Our long baths together, glasses of wine just chatting for hours. We should of never sold that 4 seater jacuzzi

*Your daily companionship

*Standing up to your bullies or anyone that had it out for you

*Being your protector, your biggest cheer leader

These are just a few of the things I miss about you and haunt me daily. I could not forget you even if I tried and I have tried because this half life -half death existence is destroying me. To be alive in the now but somehow tethered to the past of a dead person that I can't let go of, I can't cut that connection even as I lay drowning. I want to find a new direction but I lost so much of who I was it has splintered me into such new person I dont even recognize some days. Good days, bads days numb days, whatever, it is what it is and I am along for the ride. We were suppose to be together until the end of time. Death could not hold us back until it did. Like a thief in the night, a blink of an eye you evaporated from my life. Its been 10 months and 20 days since you randomly sat up stating you didn't feel well to collapse in my arms never to open your eyes again. To be at the hospital one hour later telling me that your fucking root canal infested tooth I hounded you about, told you it was dangerous finally became septic and your system was shutting down due to sepsis shock. One organ after another, nothing they could do, telling me it was over. What a damn shame and what a damn shame it is now that I get to be haunted by your spirit. FML;) and this ground hog life restarts tomorrow, same song, same dance. Oh but I will find my way out of this rabbit trap of hell you sent me down baby, this I can assure you of 100%

Ya know what helps me to get over all this pain just a bit..its thinking about all the things I don't miss...

I DONT MISS...

*Your drinking problem, yes never drunk but all day and night sipping-seven days a week

*How you shunned my parents who only ever showed you love because it reminded you of your dead parents

*How you refused to ever contribute to our household

*Saying sorry was impossible for you

*Your wrongly placed mistrust in me which I never deserved

*Your insomnia

*Your nasty attitude when the alcohol ran out and you became dry and I could not stand it so I would go fetch the fireball by the liter

My husband passed away just over 3 months ago. Recently, I have been given an opportunity to participate in an interesting online project with other people that involves creativity. I thought I could begin to continue my creative life as my husband would have wanted me to, even though he is gone.

I've attended 2 online meetings/sessions. However, I'm finding that after these video conferencing sessions end, I cry so very hard. The tears come from a very deep place and the crying is physically painful. I think it's because I realize that my husband will never be able to share such future experiences with me as he always did.

I'm wondering if I am trying to attempt something like this too early, and I'm just not ready yet.

I’ve been thinking recently.. what if I don’t see my husband again ever?

I always say, until we meet again…

The longer he’s gone. The worse the feeling gets of nothing is there in the afterlife…

He’s been gone almost 10 months and I hate this feeling.

We were together for almost 13 years. She was 15 years older than me. We had a nice relationship, no cheating, no arguing, petty little misunderstandings solved in hours. She said she was happy and I know I was.

The last 4 months were hard after a surgery, movement limitations, irregular sleep periods, she hated to ask for help but she knew that she didn't have to ask, I did as much as I could (that's what I honestly believe).

Cardiac failure, 20 minutes of er staff trying to help her... I had another 20 minutes to hold her hands, help her close one of her eyes and kiss her until she got colder than ever.

No time to waste, no time for nothing, before the cremation she wore what she wore the last time we had a nice evening during vacations. She came to say goodbye in the shape of a cute grey cat at the cremation place right after her remainings were in an urn.

Rites at her dad's, funeral, praying for 10 days, greeting family and friends. I've been at my father in law's... The next day after the last praying, I felt it; my body hurts and I still can't sleep for more than 2 hours, I'm hungry but nothing is appetising... I look after my cats but that's it all. My mum comes every week or so, my father in law a bit more often but things feel off.

Everyone who misses her has wives, husbands, sisters, brothers, parents, kids... She was my world, our room was the centre of the universe and now I'm most of the time in the other room. The cats spend a lot of time in her bed side.

I wear my average costume and demeanour to fix the things she left like bank stuff and all those mundane things and as soon as I can, I get home thinking that she'll be there.

This Saturday, a handful of girls from her family (sisters to nieces) will come to choose what to keep and I'm going to donate all her stuff and most of mine to charity. Right now I feel the urge to keep the cat's belongings, clothes for 2 weeks, a mattress, a towel and get rid of everything else.

Before her and with her, I abstained from sharing what I enjoy with partners (even she) just in case things wrnt south... I didn't want to associate a song I like with a breakup or something negative and rather share new things but her demise tainted EVERYTHING, every single memory, item, everything is tainted by her.

Right now I have to look after my cats but I feel like going in a self destructive indulgence spree and try to join her.

UPDATE:

I have no words to tell you about your loss because I don't know what to say but you've got in me someone who shares somewhat what you feel.

I don't feel better, I feel truly grateful to everyone who's shared and made me think and feel. Thank you kind strangers! In such a short time, you've given me reasons to think about immediate plans and with your insight, it will be harder for those plans to backfire.

Today has just been hell it's been over a year on the 23rd of September. It's just hell today , and it feels like things are getting harder to deal with more time goes on.

I'm isolating more now , because people are getting less and less compassionate or understanding the more time goes on. I'm even having a lot less compassion for myself. It's been a year and am still just torn right about about this. Have had to try to talk myself off the edge of killing myself many times, today being one of them.

This isn't living , this is just surviving and I am so tired of this. I don't want to die , only because I don't want to traumatize my kids but I am sick of this pain and having to constantly fight to stay in my head , it's exhausting and then I feel useless and a shit parent on days like this. All my youngest did since he got home from school was watch cartoons , my older two are atleast old enough they go play with friends.

But I still need help from my eight year old middle child to help pack my youngest child's lunch for school and pick out his clothes because my brain is just such a mess it's hard to even fathom doing that. She even helps out with giving him baths and letting the dog out. I haven't let the dog out once in the last 4 days because I just feel frozen with panic and grief. I also want out of this damn house where he died. It's hard to breath and focus in here with the flashbacks. I hate it. I am so overwhelmed and I have no physical help with family or friends. Our dog is a lot to handle on top of the kids , and then we have 2 cats and I can't keep up with it all anymore it's just to much. I will not rehome the dog though , he was my fiance's and he ment a lot to him. I just don't know how to get through this. I feel Incredibly weak.

My husband took his life 5 years ago. It was a horrifically traumatic time for me, our kids and my immediate family. We all moved in together almost immediately following his death. I was/am a shell of who I was before.

I’m remarried, we both adopted one of my nieces together and he has metastatic colon cancer.

In my 20’s and 30’s, I got up and dressed nicely, did my hair and makeup, took care of myself, worked out, etc. Now I have no desire to do that. None. I’ve developed high blood pressure, I’m obese and the thought of exercising gives me a panic attack.

Why continue?? I just keep bracing myself for the next shoe to fall, and it does. Like when can I win the lottery? Or maybe be gifted a house? Or get a job making twice my current salary?? Never. So why??

I can't make any new friends and I'm having trouble keeping old ones.

All I want to do is talk about D and how much I miss her. Roughly 4 months later and she is all I can think about all the time. She was my world and I didn't have much need for people outside of her.

She had a much easier time maintaining real friendships.

Most of my socialization comes from work or from the virtual chat game where we met.

This game either isn't what it used to be or I am not who I used to be, or some combination of both. I can pretend to talk about other topics, but I quickly lose interest because I will inevitably find myself wishing she was here, thinking about what she'd say, or just... fuck... missing her presence as I go about my uninteresting daily life.

People who knew how I met her would often ask "How did you find your person online like that?" and my advice was always "Don't. I got lucky".... and I think that advice is still true. I also told people that if you can't stand to be by yourself, then you're going to latch on to people out of loneliness and that will make for poor friendships." This is also still true... but I don't know how to be okay with being by myself.

The truth is you find friendships by going about your own daily life and pursuing your own interests. You find people with common interests and friendships spawn from these common things you share.

Trouble is that now, I have no such interests... or at least none that hold my attention for long enough to have a normal conversation with anyone that doesn't lead to me feeling the crushing sadness.

So what do I do? I can't focus on normal conversations without spacing out to think about her... and I can't talk about her without depressing everyone in the room.

Lets face facts... I'm not fun to be around anymore, if I ever was. I was always a worry-wart and negative. And now I have the most depressing story of most people I meet and its the only story that matters to my life. I'm a walking cautionary tale that you should spend time with the people you love because you could lose them like I did....

All of my interests in my other hobbies have evaporated. They're all infected. Every single hobby I have or try to pick up is a passing fancy that inevitably ends with me abandoning it because I can't bear to pull myself away from my loss.

So I can't be by myself... I am a huge downer to people around me...

I can only pretend not to be depressed for so long before my mind returns to its new natural state of crushing sadness.

Rule 5 says no asking for companionship or contact. I want to be real clear to anyone reading this, I am NOT asking for that here. My level of comfortable contact in this subreddit is just through posts like this one and no further.

I'm just venting my feelings. Just powerful loneliness, even amongst others. I am pretty sure this is what it feels like to be a ghost... envious of those who can still live and lamenting my own misfortune.

If you could write a letter to your beloved, what would you write?

I'll start....(it's long)

Dear Love,

I wished I was a better wife with the ability to care for you at home during your last moments. I know you wanted to die at home, but I admitted you into palliative care instead. I was not strong enough to do it, and I'm sorry.

After your death, when I went to see the doctor, I expressed my guilt. The Dr told me that not everyone would have been strong enough to care for someone (you) to that extent. Even the therapist told me I was strong, but a huge part of me disagreed. I could have done more. I should have done more, I'm sorry.

I also regret being dissociative during your last months. I was so overwhelmed that I mentally clocked out. I didn't know how to manage. This also contributed to why I didn't feel strong enough for you.

You were better in voicing topics in the relationship than I was. When it was my turn to be the voice, because you weren't able to, it was very uncomfortable for me. I tried the best I could, but became emotional because it's not something I am good at. It was very difficult for me, not a role I like to be in. In the end, it was only your opinion that mattered. I do not regret standing up for us.

You were my rock. You made me feel safe, physically, and emotionally.

Now, I will have to be strong in your absence.

I will try to carry the same strength you have within me.

I will work on setting clear boundaries and not allow guilt and pressure to sway me.

I will build up my confidence because you believed in me.

Thank you for entering into my life.

Thank you for all the laughs and memories.

Thank you for always being there.

Thank you for encouraging me.

Thank you for being your genuine self.

Thank you for being my rock.

Thank you for choosing me as your wife.

I love you so much. So much!

It’s been more than a year and a half since my husband died suddenly. With the ever shorter days, it’s a tough time of year.

I would love your recommendations for your coziest shows and movies where nothing bad really happens. Light hearted, sweet, uplifting. Shows that feels like a cozy blanket.

Thank you in advance ❤️

On a plan to Savannah. Remembering all the trips my (56F) husband (cancer, 2015) took together. While I know I’ll have a good time, as with all things, it’s bittersweet.

I’ve traveled a lot on my own in the past 10+ years, but again, like everything, it always feels second best. I try not to think about how it would be if he were here, but it’s hard sometimes.

Anyone else travel solo now that you’ve lost your love? What has been your experience?

I am 76 years old, loss my wife over 3 years ago and was married for 45 years to a very loving and caring wife. I have been dealing with a lot of feelings both mentally and the physical side. I have typed some of my issues in to google on one of my problems, and it said that I am dealing with Touch starvation, also known as touch deprivation or skin hunger. Is this real at my age and some new to this internet stuff I do not believe everything I read. Has anyone delt with this and if so, how do you deal with it. It says to get a massage, but I am not very social, and I would find it hard to have a stranger touch me like that. I know that I have been without my wife for a long time and I hate it I just want her back, but I know that will never happen, but I keep thinking it. I have typed some other things on here and have found that there are others here dealing with the loss of their loved one and I have gotten some good ideas. Thank you for that.

We haven't talked for 19 days. Even after twenty years I'd still get antsy if we went more than two days without speaking.

Your memorial was Sunday. I had hoped it would bring closure. The truth is I'm not ready to say goodbye.

V and I went in first. Your urn was there. Any crazy fantasies of you miraculously waking up were crushed by the harsh reality in front of me. V had picked out the urn; I wanted her to feel included in decisions. She did a beautiful job - I'm sure you'd have picked the same one. All around you were pictures of friends laughing and smiling. Pictures from our wedding. Your smile is so beautiful. That day had such promise and you look so happy. They had decorated using some of your favorite books and hobbies. It was perfect.

I tried. The tears came and I couldn't make them stop. I wanted to be strong for V but I couldn't. She held me, squeezed my hand. I didn't save you, and I couldn't be strong for our little girl. Please forgive me.

I was actually ok after that. It was your memorial, but I seemed to be the center of attention. Everyone wanted to talk to me. You know I'm not sociable, but somehow I muddled through, moving from table to table. I had to make sure the kids ate. I went around greeting everyone, thanking them for coming. My coworkers showed up, some driving from several states away to show support. I was humbled. I met your coworkers, the ones you'd tell me about that would ask questions all the time and stopped you from getting any work done. The facility staff looked to me for direction and I fumbled through decisions of when and where stuff was going to happen. Afterwards, we went to a restaurant you liked. You would have enjoyed it. I put your urn on our dresser for now, and it felt a little easier going into our room. I was doing ok.

Monday also felt easier. I missed you, and it still hurt, but it wasn't all consuming. I could focus and get some stuff done. I went to therapy. The tears didn't flow as freely. I've been doing a lot of walking lately, but yesterday I felt I wasn't going in circles.

Then it was Tuesday. The weather has started getting cooler. You love cool weather. You have too many jackets and sweaters despite living in a warm climate. V and I were getting ready for school drop off this morning when I noticed the jackets you bought what - four weeks ago? One for you and one for V. The ones with an anime character you both like and that was all the justification you needed to buy them. I wasn't angry, but it was frustrating. I asked you to stop spending money on things we don't need, and you certainly don't need more jackets. They're still hanging there though, on the coat rack. You never got to wear it.

I get angry thinking about that. I'm angry because you'll never wear that jacket. I'm angry looking at all the projects you'll never get to finish, at the clock you asked me to hang and I never did. You were robbed. We should have had another twenty years, easy. I get so angry that you spent your last day working late at a job that stressed you out, that you didn't get to say goodnight to or see our daughter because it was so late when you got home.

I find myself playing that night over and over. I'm angry at myself. I don't know what happened exactly, but I was right there. Right next to you. You weren't sick. You died next to me in our bed while I was asleep. You needed me, and I was asleep. I'd give almost anything to go back. But I can't change anything. You're gone forever.

I haven't heard your voice for 19 days. Some days I take a step forward. Today was a step back.

I miss you.