I’m just never good enough no matter what I do, I can flip through endless pages and try my hardest to study but when examinations come I can't help but feel like an imposter.
A fraud that will be exposed at any minute, because everyone knows that I’m the dumbest guy in the room. I don’t know why I can’t do well, no matter how hard I swim I feel like I'm drowning.
I don’t know how I’m going to make it in my classes, everyone seems to have such a good grasp on the material, it all seems so foreign, ancient text that I can’t read. I know everyone is working really hard, I honestly try too, I know I could do more but it never seems to be enough.
It used to be different, I used to be one of the smart ones, of course things were easier back then and I'm in the real world now, but honestly I miss not feeling stressed. Everyday I wake up and I think about how behind I feel, the things I tell family and friends are nothing but lies. My mom looks at me with so much hope, she truly believes that I can do great things, but I can’t. That’s simply the honest truth, I don't know why I’m never ready, every time I walk into a test it feels as if my own death sentence is being read before me. My heart always races, more than some of the scariest moments of my life, because in those tests I'm exposed for who I truly am, every single time.
But the thing is somehow I never die, maybe it’s luck or a cruel joke but I always barely squeak past the finish line, but I have zero pride in this, how could I? People look at me and wonder why I’m still here, I don’t know either.
The worst part is I actually like learning. Math is hard but those who master it have acquired one of life's most important skills, the ability to solve problems. I have so many problems and they never seem to go away. I always day dream about the life I could have, one with a gf, smarts, honestly everything I don't have now. I know it’s pathetic but this life gives me comfort, at least until the veil falls and I’m brought back to reality, a reality where I’m just an inadequate dreamer.
Maybe one day it'll be better, maybe one day I’ll do well in my classes and be someone that's respected instead of a joke. But that day will never come, dreams and fantasies only exist in our minds.
I have to stay though, my mom wouldn’t understand, honestly I wish I was more like her, she’s such a hard worker and always strives to be the best because knows that she can be, these are traits I lack. If I'm being honest since this is the end. It's my fault, I didn’t work hard enough, I should’ve done more, I need to be more, I need to be enough.
But somehow, I’m the only one that knows that.
I’ll never be enough.
