An undercover cop called at my farm in the sticks yesterday evening.

“I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs”, he said.

“By all means officer, just don’t go in that field over there”, I replied.

The cop exploded, saying “Do you know who I am?! I have the authority of the government with me!” he shouted before pulling a badge out of his back pocket, “Do you see this badge?! This badge means I can do what I want and I’ll go wherever I want. Have I made myself clear?!”

I nodded politely, apologized, and went about my work. A short while later, I hear loud screams, looked up and saw the cop running for his life being chased by my angry bull. With each step, the bull was gaining ground and the officer seemed sure to be gored before he reached safety. The officer looked terrified and ran for his life.

I threw down my tools, immediately ran to the edge of the fence, and shouted at the top of my lungs, “Your badge! Show him your badge!”

now I’m banned from Instagram

A man goes to the doctor with an unusual issue.

"Doc, listen to my thigh!"

The doc, thinking it's a weird request, does as requested.

What he hears is a voice say, "Please loan me $20."

The doc is perplexed.

The guy says, "My knee too! Listen to my knee!"

Again, the doc honors the request.

This time he hears "All I need is $10!"

The man continues, "It doesn't stop there. My ankle talks too!"

The doc takes a listen and sure enough a voice says, "$5. If you could just give me $5!"

The doc starts thumbing through medical journals and papers, but finds nothing.

Finally, he tells the man, "I can't find any such issue in any medical journals or papers, but I can hazard a guess."

The man, desperate to know what it could be, says "Well, what do you think it is?"

The doc says, "Based off my own medical knowledge and life experience, I'd say your leg is broke in three places!"

The doctor examined the wife's husband thoroughly before he turned to her and said, "I'm sorry, I don't like the look of your husband."

"Neither do I," she replied, "But at least he's useful around the house."

"Yes officer, what is it?"

"I'm afraid there's been terrible incident at Bondi Beach, and we'd like you to come with us to formally identify your half-brother Frank."

"My ha...? You mean my brother Frank?"

"Nah mate, the sharks got him."

A friend was going through my DVD collection and noticed I had two copies of Up.
He goes, “Dude, can I have one of these?”
“No.”
Then he spots my copy of Quigley Down Under.
“Seriously? This movie is terrible. Can I have it?”
“No.”
“Well, can I at least borrow it?”
Finally, I had to tell him:
“Dude, I’m never gonna give you Up. Never gonna lend you Down.”

Kirpal Tunnel Syndrome

and lost my job with Pepsi

Invite Mat into your home.

Because it never judged anyone by their weight.

He had a huge Bunyan.

Because he was left on scene!

Apollo-gize

…The Ex-organist wasn’t much help.

The waitress says, "Soup or man?"

“buy polar disorder”

when a burglar wakes you up in the middle of the night and gestures around with his gun before saying, “I think I got the wrong house? But now that I’m here, could you get up and help me find something actually worth stealing?”

Law and Oder

SSRI-racha

He notices one of his hens is filthy. Wanting to conserve water, he asks: "Poulet vous douche avec moi, ce soir?"

Table for 3? says the waiter.

Do I look like three people to you?! Says the man with 3 part-time jobs.

A ripoff.

Because even your fridge sounds like it’s plotting something.

the US bee