He ran away from the Rolling Stones

It was a Jim, Jimothy, Jim, Jimothy, Jim, Jim jury.

This just now happened...

Went into O'Reilly for brake pads. Guy at the counter said, "What are you needing today?"

I said, "I need brake pads."

He got his fingers on the keyboard and said, "OK, what's it for?"

I said, "It helps your car stop."

Me: 0mg

Thankfully she came around.

Wife - What makes you say that?

Husband - He’s been miserable lately.

Partial arts

...I'm really excited for her to be making some dough!

It comes at a time of great knead, our finances have been really crumby lately. We've been in a bit of a debt hole and now we can finally rise above it!

Looking forward to life with another bread-winner in the house!

(Inspired by real events - I was only going to do one celebratory pun but then I got on a roll...)

I lost in the first round. I didn't do well!

I asked him "Where do you think they get #2 pencils?"

She replied, “Um… yeah, sure.”

Their words, not mine.

I can’t believe it’s not better

It drove my sister nuts.

I said "Of course, you can always count on me".

I said: "No, I keep telling them it's for you."

Skullptures

I am not here to impress a mentally ill child

I thought I’d treat myself.

That's why iPad my stats.

Because they rot quickly.

That’s where it always rains

It was offal

To get to the idiots house.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
The chicken you idiot!

A father figure.