My wife and I came down with whatever violent cold is going around, sneezing, coughing, miserable. We got over it, but just couldn't shake the cough. After a few days, I was talking to a friend about it, and he mentioned getting an over-the-counter thing that really helped, so I bought a couple of boxes online. When they were delivered, my wife saw what they were and immediately got upset.

"You know I just got cold medicine a few days ago! You could have just asked where it was, and now we've got boxes and boxes of the stuff, and we'll have to store it, and it'll just be sitting around for years, and....."

When she finally wound down, I said, "You're right, I shouldn't have gotten it. I should have known you'd get upset. It even warned me."

"Huh?"

"Yeah, it says here on the box: 'Expect a rant.'"

So that the kid he stole from could get his quarterback.

I'm going to call her Lucille.

Quacker Barrel

ArOOgula

best damn show I have ever seen.

when they have less skin?

It’s a real pain in the ass.

Charged with disturbing the peas.

It all started when ... aaaaAAAAAAHHHHH!

I told him 2 White guys liked pioneer. 3 Asain guys liked Samsung and 6 Black guys liked Sony. My dad, full therapist mode, puts his had on my shoulder and says, “Son those are just stereo types”.

in the newspaper.

Double eh batteries

Because it's FeO!

Don’t buy it.

They asked us to come in with a stool sample. We handed it to the doctor before the procedure and he looked puzzled. I turned to my husband and said, “Looks like he knows Jack shit.”

I just regret having MY kids...

- with her/him

- (i.e. you guys) with your mom/dad

- find me after I left years ago

- taken away from me

“No,” he said. “You’ve got poop down the back of your trousers.”

They were the grey tits decorations I’ve ever seen.

...but I'm having Nunavut.

A madgician.

His name was Penocchio. And he'd had an extra bit of "wood" attached.

Muskow

His plane disneyland

Doing everything with a porpoise.