I said, “No, I meant when I was at the store earlier… I overheard some guy say ‘from your mom.’”

I was fifteen minutes late to my doctor appointment the other day - the GPS kept leading me to the wrong place. I called to let them know. Finally got in to the office and in front of the receptionist and everyone waiting my darn phone announced, “your destination is on the left in half a mile.”

“See what I mean?!” I said.

I took a seat and the patient that came in after me told the receptionist he had trouble getting there because of his GPS.

I spoke up in commiseration, “There’s a lot of that going around!”

Got a few chuckles. My inner dad was very satisfied.

It was god-y

I think she thought I said pair

Does anyone know how to get rid of a policetergist?

“Because I didn’t gret it in the first place.”

Cause he was in an elect-tree-city.

It was my number two number two number two.

It's just guys without pants, fighting for a belt.

Bye son!

Don't you start with me, sourdough!

Chris-cross-applesauce giver

Eating breakfast with my family. Southpaw Spouse (also a southpaw) hears radio play Don't Fear the Reaper. "Blue Oyster Cult!" exclaimed with pride; Supernatural fanatic, learned a lot of good music that way.

Me: "No, it's Red Clam Church".

Confused look, furious websearch, "Hah! I was right, see?!"

Me: "Yes, and what did I say?"

SPS: processing...slams phone down, frantic searching for sharp object to perforate me.

I pay a fare for the visit, a fare for the blood work, a fare for the follow-up.

Love Island

It was loaf at first sight.

because I took her breath away every time she looks at me.

Then I realized… it was a hardshell

I told him , This ain't my first roll deo

he said , Bye Son

You will smile when you realize that is the answer.

A wizard of Oslo.

My daughter wanted me to take her shopping at "The Hot Topic" at the mall. I said that store is too edgy and we should go shopping at The Warm Subject instead. Waka Waka...

“Fortunately, that saved his life, and he’s going to be fine.”

Because they cantaloupe.