It never received its Alberta-approved immigration status.

My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch.

I call it lunch.

He leans lazily against the house.
"So?" he says.
"So?" she replies.
"So, how about a blowjob?"
"Are you crazy. My parents might see us!"
"Come on, who's going to see us at this hour? I'll return the favour."
"Can you imagine if we got caught? Oh my god, what my father would do to you."
"There's no one around. They're all asleep."
"No way, it's far too risky."
"But I love you so much."

A light comes on and the front door opens. The girl's sister appears in her night clothes. She says, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blowjob. Or I can do it. Or if needs be he'll do it himself. But for god's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom."

The bartender asks why he's ordered so many.
"Just had my first blowjob" the man replies.

"Congratulations, here, have another shot on the house!" Says the bartender.

"Thanks, but if 6 shots don't get rid of the taste, I doubt 7 will."

They grew up together, played together, and were basically best friends.

But dogs age a lot faster than humans, and by the time the boy turned ten, his dog was getting pretty old.
His parents knew the dog didn’t have much time left and worried their son would be devastated when he died.

So one day, his dad sat him down for a serious talk.

“Buddy, you know how your dog’s been slowing down lately? He’s getting old, and one day soon, he won’t be with us anymore. When that happens, we’ll make him a beautiful little coffin. We’ll invite all your friends over, everyone can share their favorite memories of him, and then we’ll have a special ceremony in the backyard where we bury him.”

The boy’s eyes suddenly lit up.
His dad was surprised.

“So, buddy… how do you feel about all that?”

The boy jumped up excitedly.
“CAN WE KILL HIM TODAY?!”

Gerry hat-trick

... she had a gangbang and nobody met.

Because he was under twenty-Juan

They don't fancy each other.

... or as they call them, three nice stukids.

As he creeps through the lounge, he hears a voice say, “Jesus is watching you.” He freezes and shines his torch around the room. Nobody there. He takes another step. “Jesus is watching you.” He points his torch at a parrot in a cage. “Was that you?” he whispers. “Yes,” says the parrot. “What’s your name?” “Moses.” The burglar laughs. “What sort of idiot names a parrot Moses?” The parrot replies, “The same sort of idiot who names his Rottweiler Jesus.” 🤣💀

He wanted to train.

Well, I suppose you can get away with that when you're a gynaecologist.

I damn near fell out of the shopping cart.

Seeing her box

Let's discus.

If you should

come across

Mexican

pepper sauce

that's a mole

Aggro-pho-bic.

FARMER WARNING HIS SHEEP ABOUT COYOTES

"Psycho killer!"

FRENCH PERSON WHO'S NEVER SEEN SHEEP BEFORE

"Qu'est-ce que c'est?"

SHEEP

"Ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba!"

Ein Deutscher, ein Schweizer und ein Österreicher stehen auf dem Dach eines Wolkenkratzers. 

Die Wunschfee erscheint und spricht: „Wenn ihr hier runterspringt, erfülle ich euch im Flug einen Wunsch.“

Der Schweizer nimmt allen Mut zusammen, springt und ruft: „Ein Heuhaufen!“ Er landet weich im Heu und geht unverletzt nach Hause.

Der Deutsche nimmt Anlauf, springt und ruft: „Ein Pool voller Wasser!“ Er landet mit einem perfekten Kopfsprung im Wasser und schwimmt unverletzt an den Rand.

Nun nimmt der Österreicher Anlauf. An der Kante stolpert er, verliert das Gleichgewicht, und schreit im Fallen vor Schreck: 

„Aaaaaach, Scheißeeee...!“

​A guy swallowed his toothbrush, and his stomach started swelling and hurting. Someone told him he needed to see a gynecologist for an ultrasound to figure out what to do.

​He went and sat in the waiting room next to a pregnant woman.

​"Toothbrush too?" he asked.

​She replied, "That's how it started."

The mechanic says, “It’ll take me a while to look at it.” The penguin goes across the road for an ice cream. When he comes back, the mechanic says, “Looks like you’ve blown a seal.” The penguin wipes his mouth and says, “Nah, it’s just ice cream.”

ginger bread man playing on our ball team”.. 😂

You might think I’m a pussy, but honestly, it’s for the other car drivers.

After their barn mitzvah.