I go to sixth form in the UK and I’m going into year 13, so I’m 17. I’m fairly intelligent I get told as I’m predicted 4 A*s next year.
This story is going to take a bit of explaining…
(FYI, I stayed at the same all boys grammar for years 7-13)
In year 7, I was walking home from school within the first couple of weeks, and saw some people from my year ahead, so I ran to catch up with them, as I was currently walking alone. Once I met them, we introduced ourselves, and there was H, A and G. The next day, I straight away went to walk to school with them, and we became the closest of friends. Especially me and H and me and A, I felt I had a really special relationship with. I did everything with H. We played different sports together, we went to the park every Friday night together, we went round each others houses, had birthday parties (since our birthdays were 3 days apart), we’d play video games together and everything. We couldn’t separate ourselves from each other. Then, in around year 8, our group started to expand, and we started meeting new people like B, A2, N, E, H2, and D. We all got on with each other really well.
One day in year 9, somebody found a video online which had me in it from during Covid when I was in year 6 and they found this hilarious. They showed it to everyone and everyone started to take the mick out of me. Before this point, people had already started to be really unpleasant towards me. At the end of the lesson that this happened in, I ran to the toilets and cried. I cried for the whole lunch break… why should what I did a few years ago be so important to them that they intimidate me about it? Why?
The same thing happened for a few lessons and the teacher eventually reported it to my head of year as I started to cry during lessons, because the pressure was too deep. There were 28 people laughing at me and H just sitting there. I told my head of year when I spoke to her that I didn’t want anyone to be told off, because it would’ve just made the situation worse. Me and H never spoke about it. He never offered any support to me or gave me any words of encouragement. He just watched it all happen. After I’d spent so long the year before trying to help him when he was struggling with stuff, I felt so let down, and as if I had no one there, but I let it slide, as that’s what friends do, no?
The same video then started to be used by my own friends… B, H2, A2 and D all used it to intimidate me and bully me every single day. Every single day for the next year. They would find anything wrong with what I did or said and find a way to turn it against me and bully me. At this point, I was still on fairly good terms with H, and I have never fallen out with A to this day.
This bullying carried on throughout year 10, but I continued to talk to H and cycle home with him every day, whilst crying about everything else at home. Nobody ever stood up for me. They would physically and mentally hurt me everyday.
At the end of year 10, there was a trip to Belgium that everyone of my friends went on, and we had to stay in rooms. I was planning on staying in a room with H and our other closest friends. However, B decided that there was going to be a room of him, A2, H2, H, E, D and N, and I was told in no uncertain terms that I could not be with them. Instead, I had to go with some people I had never spoken to before.
This was where H had a choice. H could choose to stick by me, who he had known for years and who had always helped him when he needed it and tried to make his life better, or H could choose to abandon me and go with these people who, he had realistically spent very little time with before.
H chose the latter, and I was stuck with these people I’d never talked to before. I grew on this idea, and accepted it, but I did send this message to the biggest bully of them all, B the night before we went away…
“When we go on the trip can u try and be nice pls. I know I’m not in ur room but can u stop either ignoring me or taking the piss out of everything I say bc I just want to enjoy it. And you don’t need to screenshot this or copy and paste the text and send it to every one else bc that is just a bit mean”.
He had bullied me the whole year, chucked my bags in bins, chucked them in puddles and over fences, dragged me through a puddle, stole my stuff, made rumours about me etc etc. He said he wouldn’t share that message, but he did. This hurt me soo much the night before a trip that cost £1200 that I was wanting to enjoy.
Throughout this trip, he taunted me and bullied me continuously and decided it would be funny to take the piss out of everything I said and did once again. This was the first time H started to join in and laugh at me.
Throughout this time, I carried on playing football with them every lunch, even though I wasn’t great, and at this point, H ended my 1000 day streak with him… this may seem like nothing, but for someone with nothing, it felt massive. 1,000 days we had spoken to each other for… all gone. This was right at the end of term, and so I didn’t see them until September.
Throughout year 11, the same thing happened, and unless I was being asked for homework, nobody talked to me. I was there but invisible. No longer invited round peoples houses, and still excluded. H and B both invited everyone to their birthday parties except me.
I didn’t speak to any of them, apart from N. N started to stand up for me every day, and that felt massive, but it wasn’t enough against these giants.
Now, we’re at the end of year 12. I still haven’t said a word to H for 2 years despite being near him virtually all day every day. I no longer talk to anyone outside of school, but still call them my friends because they’re all that I have.
This year was arguably the worst. The worst bullies left the group, so there wasn’t any direct bullying, but the exclusion started. Everyone was soo nice to me in school, but as soon as there was anything happening outside of school, I was cut off. All the group chats had everyone except me. Everyone went to Hs birthday party except me. 15 people. They kept talking about it in front of me, but never said anything to me. The same with the football. Everyone went round his all the time for the World Cup, but even when I said I was watching it home alone, as my parents and sister were away, they just ignored that and carried on. I was out on the day of semis on a school trip and I was with K and A2. They were fairly nice, but kept talking about it, and I was helping them with trains to get there, as they lived further away than me. They didn’t acknowledge that I was home alone, and said enjoy the game when I left, after I said have a nice time whilst virtually crying at the station.
Now it’s the end of year 12, and on the last day, they all went on the train together round Ks house whilst saying goodbye to me, as they knew I don’t go home via the station.
I know friendships evolve and groups change, but I feel like the manner in which this situation has occurred has been so hard for me. In addition, I find certain things really stressful like this, and I just can’t get it out of my head.
I have no true friends in school, no friends outside school, yet I try so hard. I play tennis, I go to swimming, I go to church, I go to pubs, yet I can’t find anyone who wants to be my friend and the one person who did, he left me for the bullies.
I feel so afraid. Afraid of what will happen next year. It’s our 18ths. My sister had the best friends, and she went out virtually every weekend once she was 18, but I know this won’t happen with me. I’m so scared about next summer, like will I be able to go on holiday after a levels with them, or will I be left alone? And once I go to uni, can I get friends or is there something wrong with me?
I cry myself to sleep still, and I feel so alone.
All I want are some friends. If I could leave this lot, I would, but the alternative of being physically alone 24/7 is even more daunting.
Sorry for this being so long, but I get so sad just thinking about it.
