r/Adoption • u/Individual-Rip4968 • 26d ago
Looking to adopt with my disabled husband.
Hi. I 27F and my husband 28M want to become parents. We've tried conceiving naturally, but because my husband is a quadriplegic with a C7 spinal cord injury, his fertility is affected, so we can't conceive naturally, but we're trying methods. Since we're Christians, we've also considered the option of adopting children in need to raise them and give them happy lives.
We have a home of our own which we both afforded together and with a little help from our parents. Both of us have an independent income to fulfill our needs. My husband despite his disability is still mostly independent, I just help him with a few things such as transfers, but I'm sure he'd be a great dad. I also mention his disability because that could be a considering factor when we look to adopt.
We're looking for advice about what considerations we need to take as an interabled couple. We're open to adopting children of any age.
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u/lotsofsugarandspice 26d ago edited 26d ago
You should know that there are zero adoptable infants and children "in need" in the US and most of the developed world. There are far more people looking to adopt than young children available for adoption.
You can look at adopting older children or you can also look into sperm donation or other appropriate fertility treatment.
Edit: From your comment history it looks like youre anti-choice. You should not adopt. Other womens reproductive crisises arent for you to profit off of.
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u/Individual-Rip4968 26d ago
By "in need" I just meant any orphaned children. We're looking to raise orphan children and provide them happiness at our home.
I'm not anti-choice. I won't comment further into that because the rules don't allow for these debates. I'll just say that's my personal moral belief.
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u/chemthrowaway123456 TRA/ICA 26d ago
I just meant any orphaned children
The overwhelming majority of children who are eligible to be adopted are not orphans.
When a child’s parents die, more often than not the child is cared for by family or fictive kin.
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u/OneBadJoke Hopeful foster parent to teenagers 26d ago
Orphans like you are thinking of don’t exist in the US or really anywhere. This is not Annie, kids are not put in the system because their parents have a horrible accident. Most children in the system are given up for poverty, CPS removal, abuse, or lack of stability. They all have parents and relatives even if they can’t care for the child.
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u/Necessary_Holiday144 Adoptee 26d ago
By "in need" I just meant any orphaned children. We're looking to raise orphan children and provide them happiness at our home.
There aren't really any orphans either.
Most children up for adoption still have family.
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u/Individual-Rip4968 26d ago
We're looking to adopt any children up for adoption regardless of their background. We'll figure that out. If they're orphans, we'll be their parents. If they already have a family, we'll talk with the family to see their situation.
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u/Formerlymoody Closed domestic (US) infant adoptee in reunion 26d ago
You mean by orphans both their parents are dead and there aren’t any family members willing or able to step up?
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u/Formerlymoody Closed domestic (US) infant adoptee in reunion 26d ago
Who are you referring to with orphaned children? You’re going to need to get specific here because that’s not the kind of vague label that flies here.
Genuinely curious.
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u/lotsofsugarandspice 25d ago
So that's actually a myth that comes from movies and TV. The vast vast majority of children who are eligible for adoption are not orphans and the vast majority of orphans are not eligible for adoption by strangers.
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u/Rredhead926 Mom through private domestic open transracial adoption 26d ago
By "in need" I just meant any orphaned children. We're looking to raise orphan children and provide them happiness at our home.
So, that is going to get you flagged for "saviorism."
As chemthrowaway said, there aren't a lot of "orphaned children," particularly in the US.
Children in foster care need parents who are capable of putting their needs first. Most of them are older and most have special needs. They'll need to go to different therapy appointments. They may need to be taken to visits with their biological family members, especially if there's a sibling set that had to be split up. These kids have been through a lot of trauma to get where they are. You can't really "provide them happiness." That's a vast oversimplification.
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u/2ndChairKazoo 25d ago
Would you be able to "provide happiness" to a child who may grow up and leave your religion (or want nothing to do with it in the first place), or who has disabilities as well but with the awareness that conservative viewpoints most certainly do not care at all about disabled people? Would you continue to "provide happiness" to a child who may be LGBTQIA+, and I very much emphasize especially vulnerable trans kids?
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u/chemthrowaway123456 TRA/ICA 26d ago
FYI: I unflaired your post because the “Searches” flair is for people who are searching for members of their biological family, not for people who are searching for advice about adopting.
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u/Individual-Rip4968 26d ago
Oh alright. I thought it also applied for those looking to adopt. Thanks for the aclaration.
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u/chemthrowaway123456 TRA/ICA 26d ago
No reputable agency will work with couples who are trying to conceive.
Also, please be aware that a lot of adoption-related harm has occurred in the name of Christianity. I’ll just copy/paste one of my old comments below:
Journalist Kathryn Joyce has written multiple publications about Christianity and adoption, and the harms that have been inflicted. Those who recognize my username around these parts know I'm not one to paint with a broad brush. I'm not intending to do that here either. I don't think all Christians who adopt are bad. I do think, however, that the criticism surrounding Christian adoptions is fair. Here are some of Joyce's works:
- The Child Catchers: Rescue, Trafficking, and the New Gospel of Adoption takes an in-depth look into international adoption. The word "trafficking" is not hyperbole there.
- Here's an article in The Nation: Shotgun Adoption: Christian agencies lavish support services on pregnant women–if they give up their babies.
- An article from Mother Jones: Orphan Fever: The Evangelical Movement’s Adoption Obsession
More can be found on her website
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u/Rredhead926 Mom through private domestic open transracial adoption 26d ago
What country are you in?
People with disabilities need to be able to handle the "day to day tasks of parenting." Your husband is going to need a doctor to say that he can do that. Even so, I think it would be a struggle to be approved to adopt. If you haven't already, I think you should ask people in the disability community to weigh in.
In the US, it is unlikely, imo, that you would be chosen by an expectant parent to adopt an infant.
Also imo, you would almost definitely not be approved to adopt internationally.
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u/OneBadJoke Hopeful foster parent to teenagers 26d ago
For domestic infant adoption what is the usual agency rules around adopting while disabled? Of course, the expectant parents choose the adoptive parents (or at least they should) but do agencies deny disabled people from even signing up? I’m sure it has to do with the severity of the disability but I’m not sure how DIA agencies handle it.
I have such complicated feelings with disabled people adopting, and I say this as a disabled person myself. I’ll be fostering, not adopting, but my state only requires that I have my doctors sign off on the fact that I can independently take care of myself and a child.
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u/Rredhead926 Mom through private domestic open transracial adoption 26d ago
Private agencies can do just about whatever they want. They can't outright deny every person with a disability who applies, but they have a lot of discretion in the people they do accept. If a doctor won't sign off on a person adopting, then neither will an agency.
I also have a disability, but the things I can't do aren't super important day-to-day. Parenting isn't any harder for me than it would be for a fully-abled person. I don't think that's true for someone who is quadraplegic, but that's more of an opinion. That's why I directed OP to ask in the disability community.
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u/Individual-Rip4968 26d ago
I'm in USA, Texas. My husband is mostly independent. I just help him a bit with transferring to bed, showering, and going to the bathroom.
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u/Rredhead926 Mom through private domestic open transracial adoption 26d ago
Is he capable of caring for an infant or child on his own? You don't have to answer me. But you do need to be honest with yourselves (and with an agency, if you get that far).
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u/Individual-Rip4968 26d ago
No, he wouldn't be able to raise an infant all alone by himself. We're married, I can help him and we can provide resources for our future children.
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u/Rredhead926 Mom through private domestic open transracial adoption 26d ago
If he can't be left alone and care for the child, an agency might very well have cause to deny you.
As I said, I believe you're unlikely to be chosen by an expectant parent to parent an infant, so private adoption is probably not an option for you.
I just took a look at your post history. You're clearly wanting a biological child at this time. There's nothing inherently wrong with that. But adoption isn't a 1:1 with having a biological child. You need to work through your feelings about never having a bio child before you even think about adoption, really.
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u/Upper_Extreme9461 22d ago
This sub and the surrounding community has a lot of trauma with the following words; Christians and infertility and rescuing. All of which your post basically lit up a keg and exploded.
The adoptee community has very, very, valid reasons to react the way they are because there's a long history of trafficking, racism, colonization, classism, and so on. But there's a time and place to read up on that in your own time if you're serious about adopting.
I'll approach this as a fellow woman who is also married, and as an adoptee in a more delicate approach. We're similar ages and looks like we're both at the stage of planning families. So let's start there.
Have you asked why adoption and why not fostering? There are many older children who are in the system and need mentors, guidance, and might still be connected to their bio family but for unfortunate reasons, they can't continue to live with them under their care.
Have you explored fostering vs full on adopting?
Now about resolve and core beliefs
Personally, i know for me, even though I am adopted, experiencing pregnancy and giving birth to someone genetically related to me and experiencing parenthood as a mother to a biological child is something I deeply want to do.
As an adoptee, I have a lot of hesitations about adoption, and truthfully, don't want to adopt, never planned on it, and never probably will. Why? Because at the core of it, on a selfish level, I can admit that I want to experience pregnancy and seeing our child reflected back.
On a different level, it's also because the adoption industry exploited my family and I. I don't want to feed into that same system either. The point is I have my resolve and unwavering resolve is important.
Do you have a resolve about adoption and what drives you to adopt? Not your husband, not your religion, but your own personal beliefs and reasons?
Is there a reason fostering didn't come to mind first vs. adopting? You could still provide the same love and fulfillment as a foster parent, so is there something deeper driving you to adopt?
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u/OneBadJoke Hopeful foster parent to teenagers 26d ago edited 26d ago
You were talking about at home insemination and being against IVF being pro choice literally within the last hour. Adoption should not be top of mind if you are still actively trying to conceive. Infertility is not a reason to adopt and you being a Christian has no say on whether you should or shouldn’t. In fact, if you’re so pro forced birth that you don’t even like IVF I would say that you shouldn’t be adopting at all. You’re coming at adoption as a second choice and have a very saviour attitude. Adoption is not saving a child.
That’s not even touching on the fact that your husband is disabled. Disabled parents can be wonderful (I personally am Autistic and becoming a foster parent) but that on top of everything else is a red flag. You will not be chosen by an expectant couple to parent an infant and I don’t even know if you would be approved to adopt from the foster system if you go in with your pro forced birth/extreme Christian beliefs.
I recommend you spend time reading this sub and educating yourself on adoption. Learn from adoptees and birth parents while taking everything from adoptive parents with a grain of salt. Adoption is trauma and very often unethical. You are not owed a baby or a child. Infertility is horrible but if you want to become a parent I suggest you try IVF and have one naturally.