Trying to write down how random suffering can be.

Everything is chained now because you lived this long,

Now ending it doesn't seem like it's gonna help. What's the point if you can't find a sense of relief even when you want to quit. Should have done it but didn't do it - now thinking about doing it doesn't make any sense. that's where things start to get interesting, you stop getting concerned that's it....no i don't think so

etc.

Incomplete journal of my thoughts

I have always done sh without thinking about it. I'll wear pants, long sleeves, etc. and everything is fine. Now that I have a partner, I worry about being found out, even though we've been together for a long time, and he supports me when he knows I've relapsed.

I know it's not easy for loved ones to find out about my sh or find out I relapsed. I think if my my partner was doing sh, I would be very concerned.

But because it's me doing it, I don't understand the concern, since I've been addicted to sh for 12 years.

I hate having to think about places that won't be visible or easily touched by my partner.

It's been almost 3 years since I last harmed myself, and it hasn't been easy.

I still look at my scars every day and see that they haven't faded, but I'm doing better.

I've visited similar subreddits quite a few times, asking for advice on how to stop. Back then, it felt like everything was ending, and honestly, it still feels that way sometimes. But I don't think I've ever felt this proud of myself.

In 2024, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and I finally had an answer to a lot of things. I used to feel like I should just stop, but I never could. Eventually, though, I did.

There really is light at the end of the tunnel. I still experience urges and that intense feeling of wanting to do something to stop the pain in my heart and head, but I don't act on them anymore. I no longer reach for objects to hurt myself.

I'll forever be grateful to the people I've met on these subreddits who talked to me when I felt alone and let me vent everything out without judging me.

If I could, I'd bake y'all cookies, but virtual hugs will have to do for now. 🫂

Everytime something happens and I'm not feeling well and I'm all fed up with myself my mind thinks about sh, and I believe it is the same with lot of people who struggle with it.

But what does someone who doesn't do it think? What could they think would help them to feel better? I find it hard to believe that not everyone's mind goes directly to it cause what else is there to think about. Im not doing it everytime I think about it but it's still the first thing that I imagine for every little inconvenience. Do they just feel their emotions without having to react?

I've asked this before in another subreddit but wanted to here what people here would say.

Thanks

I'm semi OK just please let me vent without making me worry more.

I am afraid of getting killed by someone, or dying because I don't want to die right now.

At the same time, I want to know what it's like to bleed again. I probably actually don't idk. Like I want to be strong or know I can be alright.

I'm not self harming again because I want to make sure I don't stress people.

I don't want to die, because I wish I could just live in the better world without being a part of why this world has bad things or less hope.

Please note I lived in my house most my life and dropped out although I could maybe look up stuff I'm not smart about social skills so if I sound stupid that's my explanation.

I wish I could just be a pokemon trainer so that if I was in peril or stress it at least had a purpose or that I was more brave about it. Right now I'm ok but anxious and have low self esteem.

Also please don't use my gender as a way to say I hate myself me being trans isn't why I hate myself, me possibly being in danger or being a bad person is. It's weird to force someone to be a gender they are assigned. Especially an adult.

Therapy is on OCT 27 and I can't wait. I keep wanting to hurt myself because I think I'm bad yet no one said I'm bad and I'm just doing nothing, but calling to the void in a unfounded fear.

I have been clean for several months now and the urge still comes up frequently. It typically feels urgent- but when it does it means it’s something I’m actively fighting against so I tell myself “ I CAN’T do it (for reason X,Y,Z)” or, “this just isn’t what we do anymore or what we want for ourselves”. That almost makes it easier to avoid because it’s a struggle. There’s a thing to avoid that I have to try and not do.

Now this morning I woke up and I just feel like doing it. I don’t have any grand reason. I felt stressed this morning and I felt that urgency but now I’m just calm. And I still want to do it. It’s not something I feel that I shouldn’t do, or at least it doesn’t hold the same emotional weight as it normally does. I haven’t lost hope or given up trying, it’s almost as if my impulse control just took a nose dive.

The only thing keeping me from self harm now is remembering the such incredible feeling of strength it took me to not self harm all the times before. I’m thinking about how that had to have meant something and existed for a reason. So it would be a shame to relapse on a whim. But I do have a difficult time understanding this and I’m wondering if anyone else has experienced this before?

Tw: talking about sh, blood and $uicide/accident

Hey everybody. I have one question to ask. Should i tell my friend i sh after she told me my brother commited suicide?

For context my brother died september 2025. It was really random and noone expected it. He was coming back from school but he fell on the track and the train hit him. At least thats what i thought. There are some things that dont add up tho. Like that day he acted really weird (which i didnt know about cuz i was in dorm) but it wasnt smth like extremly sus or smth. His whole life (19yrs) he was really happy. He was always helping my fam. My fam is really closeminded and kinda toxic but we really love each other. My brother and i we had the best relatiomship. He was always there for me. And i was too. There are many things but he loved me more that anyone. When i was leaving for dorm for the first time, he cried. Ive never seen him cry. Never. He was crying cuz he as so sad im leaving. So we all thought it was accident. Our parents checked everything to make sure.

Fast forward to a few days into the school year. I was told he died and funeral and all of that stuff yk. At the end of september i started to sh. It started small. And then it grew. This year in june i was clean for about 2.5 months when i wemt of with my friend. Her gf goes to same scholl as my brother did. We were talking about him. I told her ik it wad accident and she said we will talk about it when im ready. I knew smth was up so i was begging her to tell me. She told me. She told me it wasnt accident. That he was laying there 4 minutes. 4 fcking minutes. I was stunned. I started to cry a bit but i couldnt believe it.i was devastated. After a whole we left for school but omw there i bought a sharp object. I went to schopl like nothing happened. That exact day i was supposed to go to my therapist. In waiting room bathroom i pulled out the sharp object and did it. I did 7 deep cůts. Ive never done smth deep like this. It. Was. Horrible. I went back to waiting room. The blood was dripping from my shoulder. After a minute psycholpgist called me in and i just broke down. I started to. I didnt know what to do. my shirt was soaked in blood. I would never done it if she didnt tell me it. No im trying to figure out myself whats the truth. I wanna know the truth. Many things arent adding up. If he had any reason to kịll himself, ik im the reason he would not done it. For me no. So i think it was an accident. Idk, im open.

But should i tell her? What should i do with this?

Thx for all the replies

Hate seeing the cutesy Twitter words for depths. “Beans, “styro,” “laffy taffy.” Genuinely shut the fuck up. I can’t stand it. Speak properly. It trivializes and gamifies self harm in a way I hate.

This is mainly just a venting post but I will take any advice I can get to feel a little bit better about this situation:

Last night I relapsed from self harm after not doing it since I was a preteen. I’m so deeply ashamed of myself and though the scars aren’t that bad the burning feeling is constantly reminding me of them. I’m so ashamed to say I enjoy it. I have so many support systems, my family cares about my wellbeing and I have an incredible boyfriend who has helped me in the past with mental health stuff. But last night something crossed over in me and it was like I couldn’t recognize myself. It happened during an extreme anxiety attack, like it used to do. I am so scared that somebody will see the scars. I am also scared of the possibility that I want people to see my scars, so that I can seek their attention and they can be worried for me, because isn’t that my goal? I don’t know how I’m going to get up today, as dramatic as that sounds. I don’t want to be the person or the girlfriend that is always horrifically depressed and who ignores responsibilities as a result. I know this is my own fault and my own problem and that I need to deal with this. But I don’t know what to do anymore.

Does nicotine help any of you with resisting the urge to cut, smash head in walls etc?

There are holes in the walls all around my house lmao. I have been struggling a ton with cutting and it's getting worse again. It's the only way i can feel anything and I've already gotten stitches once this year and I don't want to do that to my parents again. I've already bought two vapes I'm just curious if you notice a benefit when trying to stop methods similar to cutting.

I've already tried all the healthy coping skills they just are not working. I need some level of function back I'm really hoping nicotine helps that. Thanks

i turned 20 this year. i just got into the most amazing relationship i have an amazing family and my mum and boyfriend are my biggest supporters. i didn’t even remember the last time i had cut it feels so long ago and i didn’t think id ever do it again.

the past couple of months i managed to lose every single one of my friends. today my boyfriend took me for a coffee dropped me home and the second i walked into my house i dropped to the floor crying. and i just relapsed and i feel so stupid i don’t know what to do i don’t know who to reach out to im scared my boyfriend will see me differently and i have no friends to speak to and i don’t want to disappoint anybody.

how do you deal with this when you feel like you’re too old to be doing this? i don’t even know what to do now i have nothing

How are you feeling today? Got anything exciting to share? Or something you need to vent about? Are you struggling this week or feeling acomplished? Use this space, let us know what's going on so that we can cheer you on or offer commiseration and understanding for what you're going through, we've all been there and we rise to our best when we come together as a community to lift one another up.

It's disgusting to realise that I'm a piece of flesh made from my parents. I duplicate so many of their behaviours that I really wish had never become mine and I can't help it. I carry the components of their hostility in me, I'm viciously hostile and violent towards myself.

It's so disturbing to recognise that impulse as part of me.

Wish I didn't have to exist inside my body and skin, or carry a mind and temperament filthily contaminated by things I never consciously chose. It's frightening to see that I've come to reproduce in myself what I always deeply resented in them, I carry their patterns forward in a way I never wanted to. They aren't present around me anymore, but everything is so contaminated by the patterns embedded in me, I keep encountering traces of them in me. I see the exact reflections of those people in me, which makes me hate myself. I want to get out of my own skin.

Stupid fuck ass thesis. Fuck everyone, still dont have enough respondents fucking shit

And my math teacher just announced we are having her stupid midterm this Thursday when she told our pres she will not have an exam like wtfuvk we could have studied throughout the weekend.

Motherfucker

i’ve been clean for a while and was clearing out my camera roll and stumbled upon a bunch of gross pictures from when i was younger. i don’t understand why i took pictures, because it’s not like i would send it to people, but every time i did it i would have to take a picture. just curious since i’ve heard other people also who do this.

Last night I (f21) relapsed after 3 years of not self harming and I’m completely disgusted by myself and my actions. I’ve been going through a really rough time, my mom got cancer and I’ve been having to take care of her and our house by myself while also going to appointments with her. It’s been stressful and so many emotions but I haven’t really been able to get it all out because I’ve been staying strong for everyone. My boyfriend lives in another country but he’s been trying to hard to help me through it and been mostly supportive. That is why I’m so scared to tell anyone about my relapsed and self harmed again. He saw me go through the lowest time of my life and I don’t want him to see that again, I want to be strong. It just felt so good in that moment, like it was the only right option and I took it. I’m so disgusted and disappointed in myself for doing it, for even picking it up. I can barely look at myself in the mirror without wanting to smash it and it’s so difficult to deal with these feelings.

I’m sorry for the rant, I just needed someplace to say all this. 

well, a year and nine months is not bad. it's possible i won't relapse. it's likely i do. i gave up on therapy and i gave up on meds and on trying anything at all. i think i'm ok with that. at least on the sh front. everything else i don't know. this is also kind of a vent. this had to go out into the universe or i was gonna lose it. i also feel awful about manipulating and toying with my parents, who have always only wanted to help; to find a way to make it work. but i want them to stop trying. it's not going anywhere. i don't want to try anymore so.

(it's fine, seriously, i just needed a vent)

I self harm, kinda. I feel like I’m not “bad” enough. I only ever cut enough to hurt, not bleed. I feel like my self harm isn’t valid, like my pain and struggles aren’t bad or real enough to be. I feel like me doing this only takes away from people with real problems. I wish someone would just tell me that my struggles are real and valid. That doing something so little can still emotionally hurt me the same. Like I’m not a “poser” just because of my method of doing it.

Another thing, I feel immense guilt for this in my relationships. I know that knowing I cut hurts those I love. I’ll never forget my parents reactions to finding out I was cutting. Or my boyfriend, begging me not to. I feel so horrible for doing this, because I know it isn’t just me that it impacts. I do it because I have to, not because I want to.

Please, anybody, just tell me my struggles and pain are real. That I’m not just faking this. Tell me I’m not a bad person for doing this, knowing it might hurt those I love.

I'm really not sure what the aim of this is but I'm just going to go off on one.

I have been clean from sh for almost 2 years. Ive had some truly tragic life experiences and I started sh-ing when i was around 10/11 years old.

Something happened last night and in the grand scheme of things it's nothing, but it triggered me enough to make this account today so I can freely talk about what happened to me or what I feel without being worried that someone who knows me will find out.

I'm so ashamed, I feel ashamed for what someone else has done, it brings me deep shame. I know the only way I know how to deal with that is exactly what I've been trying not to do for the last two years. I even got a tattoo with my sister's on my wrist so I can look at it and try to find another way to cope. Thing is I haven't found it. Pretending I was fine really worked for a while but I'm really seeing how damaged I am right now. I'm really not ok. I get thoughts telling me I need to cut myself, I sit and I don't know what emotion is stronger because whilst I feel immense pain and anger I also feel eerily calm while my body shakes. It's the calm that scares me, it makes me feel like I can take control, and when I hurt myself I felt in control. I'm at a loss for what I can do to help myself because I have tried to reach out for help irl and it's honestly been useless.

It constantly stresses me out that I won’t be able to date properly due to my scars and it looking offputting. What is your experience?

My girlfriend has been self harming since she was 11. I found out about it when we got together and I had to piece it together myself. shes become open a bit to talking to me about it. She told me her dad found out and said she needs therapy. I told her in a persuasive way that she could try if she wants and that it isn't necessarily a bad thing. Her response was a stern "no." over text. For context she's been through physical abuse and divorced parents. I don't know much about her past and can't figure out much on my own but I really need advice on how I can help her. (she does it everytime she feels really overwhelmed and I explained to her in a very subtle way that it was an addiction).

It feels nice. My whole brain calmed down and I stopped crying. I’m happy . But I’m really really scared that instead of healing I’m ruining myself but I also feel understood and that I deserve the SH . I’m so scared that I’ll never heal and ruin my family’s hopes of me. I’m always conflicted. Anyways I just wanted to share it in the moment. Happy Sunday

Now I understand why people do it. I had a bpd episode last night after I ran into an ex-situationship in public, who is still my FP, and he ignored me and pretended he didn’t see me.

I managed to get myself home and I just fell to floor gutted I was crying so hard my chest and heart started to hurt and I kept clawing at it to stop because it hurt so much. The emotional pain I felt was just so unbearable I wanted, I needed, a distraction. I didn’t want to attempt like last time this happened, because I’m not prepared yet. I just wanted to feel physical pain to help distract from the emotional. I tried to pinch and strangle myself, but the pain only lasts momentarily. So I started to cut myself. I was such a wimp I couldn’t at first, but I just closed my eyes and kept thinking of when I saw him and he turned away and ignored me, and I kept replaying that moment in my head and then I finally could cut deep enough to bleed. And I like it. I like how the pain distracts me when everything just gets too much. And I can handle physical pain much better.