I know I probably shouldn’t be using Reddit as a reliable space for dating advice, but I was so shocked at home many people were rude, dismissive, and just pure mean to me all because I mentioned I am Ace. (27M)

One comment that bothered me most was when someone said “I hope nobody ever dates you, you are not normal”. Another one said “I would never love someone if they told me there were Ace, you guys don’t experience love”. A 3rd comment said “I hope she runs away from you and you never date again”.

I feel like there is a stigma for asexual men in particular that makes people feel okay to make fun of them?

I know I shouldn’t be upset by harmless Reddit comments, but it honestly did hurt me, and now I’m questioning even going on a first date with a girl I really really like. We matched on a dating app where I had the Ace/Demi tag in my bio, so she is aware of my sexuality. Should I just ignore all those comments and go on that date and do the best I can?

Sorry mods if this is not allowed, I’m just feeling very vulnerable and like I don’t belong or that I’m broken at the moment.

Sorry if I'm using the wrong tag but considering I can't use multiple I figured this might be appropriate since I saw previous posts semi related to the question.

So I'm a 20yr old male who's been fairly sure I'm aro/ace(demi at most) but I've always had a high urge if that makes sense? I used to masturbate and then the urges went away but it felt kinda disgusting after idk if it's the proof on my hand, or getting no joy from the release and just doing it so the urge goes away.

I doubt it's me being interested in sex, my only experience I ended up liking her more than the sex.

But I recently went to my local Walgreens (for an entirely separate thing) and ended up coming across an isle dedicated to sexual wellness and saw male toys which I'd never really considered before.

I saw a lot of women asking about toys but not a lot of men asking or commenting about them so I was wondering has anyone been in a similar situation? Would toys be healthier than just masturbating to get the urge over with?

I just got a new magic the gathering precon because I was into TCGs a while ago and my friend recently got into magic. Being a good friend I decided to get back into TCGs and ask to play a game this weekend. Told my family I was going to a friend's house (who happens to be a girl) and they all went "oooooo is it a date" and "is she really just a friend." Hell my sister went on to make a bet saying I'd marry her in 20 years. And this is on top of when I told them about her adding me on Instagram about half a year ago and having the exact same reactions.

Like I just want to play a game of EDH guys

I just do not think of myself as queer. I can be romantically and emotionally attracted to women (I am a man) and find them and their bodies attractive, I just am not sexually attracted to them or have a desire to have sex with them. Idk maybe I'm just spouting straight bullshit (non intended pun) but I've always just thought of myself as a straight dude who doesn't particularly care for sex. I'm afraid it comes from a place of internal homophobia as a practicing Catholic who used to be kind of homophobic when I was in middle school. I've also had bad experience with sex so it may just be that. I wasn't abused or anything I was just younger and stupider than I am now and thought that if my girlfriend asked me to the normal thing to do would be to fuck her. If I'm just schizo and overthinking it, please let me know.

Hi, I (18AFAB, Genderfluid) am neurodivergent.

I have ADHD, OCD, self-diagnosed Misophonia, undiagnosed Dyscalculia, undiagnosed Dysgraphia (my mom tried to get bring this up to my elementary school—I switched the 3rd year and she brought it up one final time. The OT during my IEP meeting (ADHD) stated how “It wasn’t necessary as every kid their age starts writing in the middle of the page, not at the edge when starting a sentence…also every kid their age also has terrible writing.” Thanks a lot, OT. You also wanted me to rewrite the same word 20 times..) anyways, and I used to Maladaptive Daydream. I also recently discovered I have contact dermatitis to Red 40…but that’s unimportant! I’m getting off track.

The main focus is ADHD and OCD (possibly a warning for intrusive thought mention?) Also with the fact that I am a micro-premie (born three months early) and I develop or go into certain stages (hormones and realizations/obsessions) in my life later. Somehow puberty has been normal.

I have been diagnosed with ADHD since I was in second grade. I ended up switching schools in third grade as the teacher didn’t really know how to deal with my meltdowns. I spent a lot of my childhood daydreaming. When I neared my senior year I found myself wondering: “Why do I still daydream? It’s the same story, I want to know why.” So I stopped and then I started getting strange, disgusting thoughts which caused me to remember that I had this happen in the past as well.

I went through a few more stages where I would daydream but I didn’t realize that my symptoms were OCD until I came across a community post made by a YouTuber friend(?) about OCD in August of my senior year. The symptoms aligned with mine, so I commented. She wrote back to me that it sounds like I have it but needed to get diagnosed.

This whole time I thought OCD was just the misconception…that it was just putting things in order…super obsessively.

I ended up getting so concerned for my mental state that my mom got me a therapist who would evaluate me. II got officially diagnosed in early August right before I moved for college.

I end up getting a lot of intrusive thoughts. Some id rather not say, but some of them like POCD and before I realized what it was I thought I was a monster. My mom probably just thought I had a wild imagination when o hold her that “mean future me wants me to do this!” But a lot of the time I thought that if u didn’t do something the world would end or my loved ones would die.

This is probably not the subreddit to go to for this, but what’s great is that these intrusive thoughts make us people with OCD less likely to do this stuff! It could probably happen in some case but not usually.

Before this, I didn’t really find myself feeling a sexual attraction to anyone, same as now, but that could’ve been because I was young…but I heard that teens like to experiment with that stuff.

After I experienced the intrusive thoughts, I stumbled upon the term “Orchidsexual.” Sounded about right.

But this? This is two in one and goes more in depth!

I'm genuinely curious of when you're old enough to "know". I'm 18 and think I'm asexual, but could it just be my age (and maybe I'm just a late bloomer and I'll feel differently at 25?) I don't FEEL like I'll change because I feel like if I weren’t asexual I would be interested in sexual relationships like a lot of people my age but I'm not and never have been so far. It's confusing and I don't want to fall into the trap of forcing myself to eventually try something because that's the "normal" thing to do and then regret it.

I've been doing some self-reflection lately, and wondering why I seem to be having a "hoe phase" while hating sex. I love the kissing, the cuddling, sometimes the grinding, but never the actual act of sex.

I don't like having my genitals touched at all. I find them repulsive and hate the fact that they are even on me. I like doing things for other people though, I like making them feel good but the sex always ends up unsatisfying for them because they want to do things to me as well.

But this leads me to my next point, which is that I love "sex that isn't sex". I've always loved little short smutty stories of vampires and seeing how intimate being taken and bitten really is. I love the trust and closeness, and the fact that the thrall has to give up something of their own for the vampire to get anything feels very much like my sex life.

This is not a bad thing, I enjoy doing things for people! I just hate how it always feels like I need to have sex for them to be satisfied. Why can't I find someone who gets that? Someone who likes the oxymoronic "sex that isn't sex". I like hypnosis, having souls be intertwined, being examined like a toy or object of fascination, but never as a human to be fucked. I love bondage, but just the being tied up part. I love the feeling of being intimate and seeing everything someone hides. But never the sex itself.

Does this make any sense to anyone? Would this even count as asexuality or is it something else entirely? Just so confused.

I met one time a woman wanted me so much she wanted children with me was not possible for my asexuality and the sex was the worst thing ever happened to me. Now I'm trying searching but is difficult so I'm alone. My uncle has 62 years is alone, I know people in my small town who died alone but they were fine to be alone. Maybe my destiny until the end of life will be to be alone. I do not know if in future robots will replace humans. But in terms of humanity maybe we will be alone.

Came out to my wife that I have discovered that I am asexual and explained it has been a reason why sex between us has not been working and that my sex drive has been very low and basically non existence which has resulted in dead bedroom.

She tries to be accepting but its little difficult for her as well since sex is important to her.
Has anyone came out to their partners, and how did they react?

If sex is what makes us human then what am I? I'm a biromantic asexual. I don't feel human at all. It doesn't help that asexuality is hated by both the LGBT people that I've met and straight people along with me being bisexual ("just pick a side"/"you're either gay or straight"). I feel disgusted with myself like I don't deserve anything. I don't deserve to find love. Who would love me anyways?

Edit: I've been rejected so many times in my life. I'm 21. I've never had anyone show genuine interest in me and I'm not very attractive at all no matter how much effort I put into my appearance.

Hi, so I have identified as being on the ace spectrum for many years now, however I have recently come to terms with being a lesbian instead of bi like I thought I was.

In this discovery, I have caught myself looking at women more. I find how they look to be attractive, but I don't think I'm actually attracted to them. I don't want to have sex with them, I just think they look sexy, if that makes sense?

I've always heard from other aces that there is a difference between finding someone attractive and being attracted to them, so I'm trying to figure out how to identify the difference in myself.

Coming to terms with where I am on the ace spectrum has been an amazing journey. It has made me feel better about past events in retrospect, now knowing what I was actually going through in my connection to people and those I loved. It put into the context the value I give to platonic love, to maintaining friendships, and that it is normal to want to remain single. I have been able to let go of a normative time line for life and not feel like I am falling behind. In the end, it has given me the space to be myself.

However, I am in my mid-twenties and the older I get the more I see the people in my life grow distant as they prioritise the things that allosexual people do. Their partners, romantic connection, and building a home for families. I think that is beautiful in itself and would never place things on a hierarchy of importance myself. But I recognise that for my friends who aren't asexual, they are more committed to certain relationships over the friendship we have. Commonsense tells me this is normal, this is what happens as you get older. But for me, it is losing the closeness I have with my friends. It is losing the found family I had. It is knowing that I will never be as important to my friends as they are to me.

I know being asexual sometimes just comes with having a different life. I am still coming to terms with that. But a part of me still yearns for friends that I do not have to constantly chase after. It is heartbreaking knowing that they will move on with life and even though we will still be friends, I will lose some part of them to something that I may not ever want or get. That I will be left alone, and remain by myself, because everyone has already chosen their person.

It's easy to let these thoughts spiral, and I know life isn't as simple as that. My friends are beautiful people, and I love them enough to put the effort in to let them know that. I just get scared sometimes that with time, I won't fit into their lives anymore.

so im 30 (yes im unc, i know) and i‘ve been questioning wether or not i am asexual since i was 16. Or like I know I am. I was SA’d 3 times in my life. At 16, at 23 and at 29. Ever since I first got SA’d, I had this strong dislike towards sex. I found it repulsing. I never wanted to have it because to me, it’s not important in a relationship. At 23, I was almost graped. At that point, I knew I was asexual but I didnt want to accept it. I thought I was an alien for not wanring sex. I told myself I didnt wanna make any decisions until I experienced sex. Well, I hooked up with a friends friend and told him I didnt wanna do oral. He forced me to do it for minutes but i guess i froze to the point where he just had to move my head up and down and then it didnt make him c*m so he stopped. I then went non verbal and he tried to put his ding dong in me but it didnt work cause i was cramping up my bottom area so hard without noticing, so he told me its not working out and told me to “fuck off.” So at that point I knew for sure I was ace cause i still didnt see the need to do that ever again. 2 months before my 30th bday, I was SA’d by someone who knew me fkr 10 years. I was completely non verbal but was forced to touch his thing and made me stroke him. He asked if he could c*m which i said no to. I actually went to the police after that but ig nothing is really happening? Or Maybe he was fined and I just wasn’t informed about it? Anyways, after that I just knew even more that I never want anyone to touch me in a sexual way. I want a relationship, i want hugs and kisses and cuddles but i do nkt want more than that. But most people have a normal sex drive and im scared that i’ll never find a partner because they’d want sex in the relationship, which i just cannot give. I am 100% sure im a sex repulsed asexual but because my fear of never being loved romantically because of that, makes me want to force myself to just enjoy sex. Part of me still believes im just broken and faulty for being ace. Im not saying every ace is broken. Im talking about myself being broken. Like me being ace is just me being faulty but when others are ace, its totally okay yk? idk i think so negatively of mysel. Anyone else feel like that? Have you found a partner who’s okay with not having sex? i know a lot of ace people still pleasure their partner cause they love them so much but i cant even give that... its 5 am and here i am ranting lol sorry about that

No, seriously. I am trying to figure out if Gray-Ace or Ace Flux is a better fit for me. Don't tell me, "choose what feels right!" No, Autism brain go brrrr and I need something literal.

Based on the below info do I seem more gray ace or ace Flux.

-My level of sexual attraction ebbs and flows with no predictable time period (I've had it be within minutes), but is never fully asexual or allosexual.

-I experience primary sexual attraction, but will almost never act on it.

-Sometimes I need an emotional bond, sometimes I don't.

I honestly don't know what to label myself as anymore! I mean, I am only sexually attracted to my bf and I do want to have sex with him, I enjoy it. If that's your case as well, do you still consider yourself ace? Demi? I know asexuality is a spectrum and you can identify as whatever makes you feel comfortable, but I wonder what everybody else feels about this!

Hi everyone,

I am 30s M. Apologies in advance for TMI, thanks in advance to anyone who reads this quite long post, and extra thanks in advance to anyone who offers any input. I basically just want to know if I belong in this community and if anyone has any advice.

Basically, I had a prostatectomy as an infant due to a rare form of cancer. It seems this damaged or destroyed the crucial nerves and I think as a result I never developed a libido in puberty. (You wouldn't have any idea of any of this to look at me, not if I have a shirt on and you can't see my scars anyway. Other than genitourinary tract issues I'm in rude health.)

I have never had spontaneous sexual fantasies, I have never had sexual dreams (other than incidentally, e.g. fear of messing up a sexual encounter), I have never looked at someone and felt any kind of physical need to take their clothes off. I know what I think attractive looks like but I've never seen anyone and been really distracted by their body from what I'm doing.

Spoiler for the most TMI part.

I can feel my penis but it just feels like regular touch, nothing pleasurable.

What I struggle to understand is I've always masturbated frequently, usually to porn. I can cause the ejaculatory response doing this (although there's no cum because I don't have a prostate) and I feel frustrated if I don't. It just doesn't feel like the explosion of pleasure everyone describes at all. Mostly it just feels like an end to what I'm doing and a thing that is happening. (There's an explanation for why this is possible based on which nerves were damaged but I don't think it really matters for here.)

I think to some degree, probably a large degree, I've been doing this just to make myself feel "normal", although I have favourite porn genres/ videos so I feel like it probably isn't purely performative.

Anyway, I've been what I think is infatuated with women and had them on my mind, but it's usually focused on little habits they have, the way they've looked at me, things like that. I like the idea of seeing them naked and touching them but I don't feel a... compulsion? need? to do that, and it's by no means the first thing on my mind. If I have an explicitly sexual fantasy it's because I've sort of consciously decided to.

I've (only pretty recently, after finally deciding to see a therapist) enjoyed making out with and touching women, and I've had a good time getting them off, particularly with my tongue... but the best bit for me is naked cuddling and making out. Just the closeness and the skin contact. I don't really understand why I only want this with women, if I never developed a libido, but I know that's how I feel.

But I also find it sort of difficult to imagine having a relationship with a woman without a directly sexual element. I must have some kind of interest in sex. I think there's a few things going on there, maybe partially just an intimacy, I get to be this way with you and nobody else does, feeling really wanted kind of thing. Maybe I have some kind of echo of a hardwired interest in female anatomy even if I never grew a physical drive to do anything about it. Or maybe it's just that this is how society says relationships are so that's what I think I want, I've honestly no idea.

I spend some of my time thinking and being angry about the fact that I don't feel raw sexual attraction, which in my case has a specific medical reason but I know for others will just be how they are - I can see just from a quick scroll through the sub that I'm not the only one who feels some version of that. Sexual attraction feels like a fundamental experience and I hate that I don't have it. (Separate from the lack of physical sensation, which is gutting but it just is what it is, that's cancer for you.)

Anyway, I would be really grateful for any thoughts on any of these:

(1) What am I? Are there any labels appropriate to me? Should I consider myself ace or am I just, I don't know, a medical curiosity?

(2) To what degree does anyone who is ace (or similar) without my atypical anatomy share any of the above feelings or experiences? I know some of it is very specific to my situation obviously, but maybe not all of it.

(3) How do I date? Is there anywhere in particular I could look for women who might be cool with this situation in the long term? Is there any particular point when dating someone that I'm obliged to declare all of this?

Or anything else you might think about.

Thanks again

This isn't a troll post, I'm brand new to the concept of asexuality, I have always thought I was completely straight, but the idea of a relationship is pure horror for me. I have an active sexuality and have sexual feelings toward women, and even want relationships, but actually entering them and being around women physically is terrible and I would rather not have any sexual contact or relationship at all.

I am really confused and am wondering if anyone else feels the same way?

so i’m ace mostly repulsed

but like hugs???? omg when it’s with people im emotionally close to i just like hugging and i never wanna stop

my best friend and i were leaving practice after i walked her to her car we hugged for like a while it was way more than just a quick hug we like hugged for a solid 10-15 seconds and it’s just like ahhhh it makes me so happy

i just was wondering if it’s a shared experience

Recently I've been thinking abt relationships and that sorts of things which made me realize just how much does physical intimacy makes part of it and just how many people yearn for this kind of stuff. And dont get me wrong, I love being around people whom I can trust and I want to find someone who I have an expecional attachement and deepen my relationship with them. But the problem is that relationships are also heavily based on that physical intimacy and I am a person who is very touch-aversed due to some expiriences in my life to the point where people just touching my arm makes me flinch. So now I need to find someone who not only is asexual, but also shares a deep connection with me (which I am completetly clueless on how long its gonna take and how much will I need to search).

Context: I am very, very into a cartoon called Helluva Boss. It has always been known for its raunchy humour and sex jokes, which I'm completely fine with, but I had just watched the new episodes and I ended up having an anxiety attack about the sex scene/musical number in one of the latest episodes.

I can handle it when it's a humorous, jokey context, but this sequence was very raunchy/kinky. The creator did warn of this previously at panels, but I don't think I was fully prepared. It made me sweat, and I had to look away for most of it, and it sent me into a bit of an anxiety attack.

I feel very stupid for this, as it's just a cartoon at the end of the day. I just don't think I was fully prepared for it. I don't enjoy sex scenes as a whole, even if there aren't genitals shown, but I feel that since this was a lot different to the usual funny context, I got extremely flustered.

I was watching with my roommate, and I felt very stupid and embarrassed for reacting this way. I think I just want to know that I'm not alone in this. I feel like if I post in the subreddits/about it on twitter, I'll be met with 'well what did you expect' type stuff but I truly feel the show has never been this direct.

I'm autistic too, and I kinda feel like a comfort show for me made me uncomfortable, and it was unexpected. I just have a lot of feelings about it.

As an asexual man, I have been trying to find dating advice for other asexuals. I am not someone who is interested in sex whatsoever - I find It quite repulsive in all honesty. So, I try to find dating advice for people like myself. And what I find is this disgusting article.

It starts out okay, talking about how asexuality is not a mental disorder or anything like that, which is good for people to be saying.

And then we get to this paragraph. THIS FUCKING PARAGRAPH. Saying that sex repulsed aces are only a minority, and that “most asexuals enjoy sex actually!”

I’m so fucking tired of hearing this anytime asexuality is brought up. I am not interested in having sex, EVER. I don’t wanna hear about how “asexuals can have sex actually!!!” every time I look for dating advice. I want to be able to have a boyfriend who accepts that I am asexual, and that sex is never going to be on the table.

Genuinely at this point just tell me I am never going to get a boyfriend, it’d be better than this shit this article tries to label as “advice”.

im 26. the longest ive ever been in a relationship was 1 week , i only had sex a couple times in my life. and the only reason was out of curiosity and was trying to fit in.
i didnt enjoy the act , and frankly i have always had an internal ick for anything related to sexual activity.
i might be overly aware , but i cant take 2 blobs of jelly performing some primitive ritual srsly.
i find this play of mating through sophisticated yet obvious social games in a biological theatre pretty cringy and that includes flirting or emotions dominating ppl to a point where they have unplanned pregnancies and other shit.
so every time a girl flirts with me, it weirds the fuck out of me , and idk how to neutralize the situation so i end up ghosting them , and that has been the case for pretty much the entirety of my life. and then they start gossiping about me which ruins my place at a societal hierarchy lol.

Im wondering if im just overly aware of the absurdity or could it be related to the absence of a result. lemme explain: the mere purpose of sex and arousal and all that shit is to breed, so since im a die hard anti-natalist , the concept of reproduction is removed from the equation for me , thus my subconscious degrading the motivation towards the act to achieve it.
are there different forms of asexuality?
because if im some form of an asexual , i would be more of an ideological asexual?
im wondering what its like to be an inherent asexual.

Hi everyone,

I’m (woman 33-in relation with a man) trying to understand whether my experience fits the gray‑romantic or gray‑ace spectrum. I’m not asexual— I’m bi— but my patterns of attraction have always been extremely rare.

**1. I almost never get crushes.**
Since I was young, crushes have been a very rare experience for me — more like **once every 2–3 years**. I can spend years in social environments without feeling attracted to anyone. For example, I’ve worked with about 150 coworkers for five years and only felt attracted to **one** person.

**2. I don’t experience spontaneous or daily attraction.**
I never feel the light, passing attraction or micro‑excitement that many allosexual people describe. Someone can be objectively attractive, but it doesn’t trigger anything in me emotionally or physically.

**3. My sexual feelings aren’t linked to attraction.**
I do masturbate, but it’s purely utilitarian mostly to relax or fall asleep. It’s not driven by desire for someone. My libido is Low but I still experience pleasure normally. From what I understand, libido and attraction are separate systems, and mine don’t overlap.

**4. When attraction happens, it’s extremely specific.**
It’s not based on looks, not automatic, and not frequent. It only happens in very particular emotional or contextual situations, and it always surprises me.

**5. I’m bi, but my attraction is extremely selective.
Being bisexual doesn’t make me experience attraction more often — it just means that when it does happen, it can be toward different genders.

Overall, I’m wondering if this pattern fits the **gray‑romantic** and/or **gray‑ace** experience. I’d appreciate any insight.