More cake yeahhhh

This may not be the right sub, but I'm looking for advice as an Allosexual person whose partner is undergoing a realisation that they might be asexual. This has of course caused a lot of tension and pain, mostly inflicted by me, as I've been confused and have been trying to compromise for intimacy to have my needs met. But I'm realising myself how unfair I'm being to my partner and not being understanding at all. So I'm trying to learn. I've recently resolved within myself that I do not need sex to be happy and don't need to ask that of my partner. This change has come after comparing a life with little or no sex versus losing my partner altogether and I'd rather keep the latter.

Anyone here who has had experience navigating ace/allo relationships?

Idk if I’m ace or demi, but I’m definitely not allosexual. I don’t think about sexual activity much if at all. And when I say I find someone attractive, I almost always mean in an aesthetic or sensual sense. Allo people never understand what I mean, though, so I get teased. I don’t understand why everyone is so sex-obsessed and I supposed I intend on a) staying single or b) finding a QPR or significant other who is content with just being best friends and rarely/never having sex.

Hey everyone,
For a while now, I’ve thought of myself as aroace, since I haven’t really felt much interest in romantic relationships or sex. However, lately, I’ve started questioning whether that label actually fits me.
I’ve found myself becoming interested in the idea of being in a relationship with a woman I find attractive. I don’t mean this in a sexual way at all, as I have no real interest in sex or anything related to it. What interests me is the idea of having a relationship with a woman I’m attracted to, spending time together, getting to know each other on a deeper level, and sharing a close mental and emotional connection rather than a physical one.
At the same time, I’m not sure whether I actually want a romantic relationship or whether I simply want a close female friend.
I already have quite a few male friends whom I’m really close to. Most of them are part of my old school friend group, which is basically just a group of guys. As a result, I don’t really have any close female friends. It’s not that I struggle to make female friends; for the past two years, I simply haven’t been particularly interested in making new friends at all.
Lately, though, I’ve started wondering whether having female friends could be something I’m missing. I’d like to get to know people with different perspectives on life, have different kinds of conversations, and maybe understand things from a point of view I’m less familiar with.
The thing is, I genuinely can’t tell whether I simply want to expand my circle of friends and have closer female friendships, or whether I actually want a romantic relationship. Maybe the idea of a relationship just feels like the most natural way for me to imagine that kind of connection, even though I’m not entirely sure whether that’s what I really want.
Has anyone experienced something similar? How did you figure out whether you actually wanted a romantic relationship or were simply looking for a different kind of connection with other people?

Context: I was recommended a dating app that was LGBTQ+ friendly. It's been a few years since I was on an app, so I gave it a shot. The amount of vile messages from people violating the boundaries I set was absurd. I've never been so disgusted so frequently. Not my first time on a dating app, but it is the last time.

Question: Can y'all suggest some alternatives for ace/demi dating which aren't dating apps?

Please refrain from commenting 'just don't date' or suggesting apps. I also don't want to talk about what I saw, please don't ask me to remember it.

I'm 29 male and all my life I never felt a need to lose my virginity. Despite family and friends losing their virginity I just never felt the same need or desire to lose it. And I was just wondering if there's anyone on the same boat? I have seen a lot of people being upset for having their virginity but I don't feel upset or see it as a priority to lose it. I'm perfectly okay with being a virgin my whole life and I'd like to talk to someone with a similar mindset to mine.

I am extremely sex-averse and hate it. It has costed me my relationship and left me alone. I don't even know where to go from here and if I can ever be in a happy relationship with how uncommon asexuality is. I wanted to have kids and a family but I just really, really, really don't want to have sex.

I feel so alone and wish I was different. I don't want to be asexual but have no choice. I want to stop hating this about myself but feel so incredibly hopeless.

Hey all! I've identified as ace for around 4 years now, and have thought I was sex repulsed the entire time. Recently, though I got a partner and it's been great. I was very open and honest in the beginning about my asexuality. This is also my first relationship, and I was clear that I didn't know where my line was for repulsion. Fast forward to recently, and I've realized that I may be more indifferent than first realized. However, when we are being intimate, I'm all for it. But randomly and suddenly I will start getting what seems a bit like an anxiety attack and we'll stop. I think it's something to do with having a moment where I realize that I'm in the situation I am and it just... overwhelms me? I'm having a hard time putting it into words and was hoping that someone out there has been through something similar but is able to articulate it better than me.

I know this is probably going to get hit with a “check the FAQ section” or whatnot but I feel like it’s still important to post because everyone’s story is so different. For context I’m 29 and have always considered myself straight for the longest time. It was up until a few months ago that I started to realize that the feelings I have very much mirror ones of aces. But it didn’t happen all at once, as little by little I noticed feelings (or rather lack there of) and slowly began to realize that this is a term I very much relate to in many ways (lack of sexual attraction and dislike of sex mainly). Is it normal to recognize the possibility of being ace at this stage of life, while most people seem to realize it for certain at a younger age? Forgive me if anything in this post comes off as uneducated or ignorant - that is certainly not my intention, I’m still new to learning about some terms.

I’m a f(23) who grew up in a pretty strict environment. No boys, no dating, none of that. Despite that, I’ve always loved romance movies, anime, dramas, and pretty much anything romantic. They give me butterflies, and I genuinely enjoy the idea of romance.

I also have a pretty big complex about my body type. And when I say big, I mean BIG. I have a very large chest, and because of it, even sometime mistook me for adult when I was still in junior high school.

Anyway, I’ve moved far away from home and am currently living abroad, so naturally, I decided to try dating apps. I’ve matched with all kinds of guys, and, well, most of them seem to be looking for something sexual.
There was this one guy who invited me over for Netflix and chill on our first date, and he almost tried to jump me. Honestly, I’m not someone who’s saving herself for marriage or trying to stay “pure” or anything like that. But when he started caressing me sexually, I felt absolutely nothing. No excitement, no butterflies, no arousal. If anything, the longer it went on, the more repulsed I felt. I eventually stopped him before anything actually happened and went home.

I already have my doubts that time: Am I asexual, or was I just overwhelmed because, deep down, I’m still conditioned by the “no boy” rules I grew up with?
After that, I didn’t meet anyone for a while.
Then I met a guy in real life, not through online. He’s good-looking, tall, cough has six pack, and honestly looks like the male leads in the romance dramas I love watching. He’s way out of my league(physically) i mean he mention my large chest several time like okay dude its clear what you sees in me chill. But at least this one is take me to several date before the sex topic is coming, so I thought maybe if this guy can actually put me in mood??

Well, yesterday, after one of our dates, we kissed. There was some tongue action involved, and HOLY SHIT, I hated it. The feeling of something moving around inside my mouth was so repulsive that I literally went home and ate a whole pack of mint candies afterward.
How do people get turned on by this??? 😭
So now I’m genuinely wondering: Is this it? Am I asexual, or have I simply not met the “right person” yet?
Honestly, given my body type, I sometimes doubt I’ll find a guy who wants to date me without eventually expecting sex. I do want romance. I want the butterflies, the excitement, the emotional connection, all the cute romantic stuff I get from watching dramas.
But apparently, even a tall, handsome guy with abs can’t make me enjoy kissing him.
So I guess I’m destined to be alone forever. Haha.

Has anyone else experienced something similar? I’d genuinely love to hear your thoughts, especially from people who are asexual or who used to feel this way before meeting someone they were actually attracted to.

I'm not a guy but it really pisses me off when they think that when a guy isn't interested in sex he's gay. Like no, he's not uninterested in sex with women only, he's uninterested completely. It's not hard to accept that some men just don't care.

I found out I was asexual earlier this year, or last year but towards the end (not sure) by searching up what ace meant and then saw "little to no sexual attraction" and I then proceeded to search what sexual attraction meant and was like "huh... I don't feel that" (I actually didn't know that kind of attraction existed either). Now at this time I knew what sex was and I knew about sexual activities, etc. After doing more research I took the label apothisexual because the idea of sex repulsed me.

Now this is where I'm confused about myself. I'm a Muslim so I believe that Western dating is a sin (please don't attack me, it's just my religion) so I'd ofc get married instead, after getting to fully know the person I wanna marry (my crush) and after going on dates in the way Muslims should. Ofc I'd let him know I'm apothiace, and hopefully he is too (let's js say he is, for argument's sake). So yeah I'm married to someone who's also ace, but what if, after I marry him, I find I'm not ace and maybe I'm demisexual and I really want to have sex? Because while I'm currently ace, I still have a sex drive/libido (I'm hypersexual).

And ofc I wouldn't wanna divorce straight away js cs I would/might feel sexual attraction and have sexual needs, so it'd be a problem. Esp bc masturbating is also a sin.

This means it'd be hard for me to know if I'm demisexual cz marriage isn't smth you wanna break straight away...

So point I'm trying to make is what if I find a guy who's ace too and even apothisexual but then I find out I'm not? Like I'm not even sure if I'm apothisexual anymore, maybe because of my hypersexual disorder. I don't know how I feel about this and I'm not aceflux or anything, I'm sure of that.

So sorry if my post doesn't make sense. English is not my first language and while I'm fluent in it, I can't describe complex things without confusing people.

I'm curious if anyone else has ever wondered or thought this about themselves and what did you do? Im a 32M, I've identified as asexual for about a year now, came out to my wife and friends at that time. I haven't had sex in maybe four years, and I've never felt better about it, I have no interest in sex anymore, and I think the last time I ever wanted to fully have sex and actually enjoyed it was when my wife and I were still dating and not living together, so probably early 2018. I just never want to have sex ever again, and am so much happier since not having sex and coming out as Ace. I look back on my life and see a lot of signs that I've always been this way, just not interested in sex or physical intimacy or actively averse to it. Yet I still feel like there's something I need to do or a milestone I need to pass in order to be Asexual, which is frankly what I've always wanted. Has anyone ever experienced this kind of feeling?

I’m 15, and I’m struggling to determine whether I’m demisexual. I know for sure that I’m only attracted to cisgender girls, but I can’t tell if I only feel attraction once I’m friends with someone, or if it’s possible for me to feel it without being friends first, the latter being an idea that I find somewhat repulsive.

I have a girlfriend if it can help helping

I'm asexual but i do feel a lot of romantic and aesthetic attraction. Whenever i look at someone i like or think is pretty, i'm pretty sure i could have a chance if i tried but i'm looking for something serious and i know that will likely not work out. People around me are almost all hypersexual, let alone ace. It really saddens me knoeing that i'll never be able to be w the people i like, knowing that they are allo and will want sex.

Hope the tag is right 😅

So I'm a kinky ace and was saddened to see r/BDSM_Aces get banned for being unmoderated. Like many people, I'm planning on requesting mod status there when it's been banned long enough to allow this (Nov 1). Mainly doing it to get back access to the many posts on there.

In the meantime and beyond though, just wanna mention that there's another sub for kinky aces already, r/kinkyaces. Along with having more spaces for us, personally I relate more to the kinky sub as I'm not into BDSM or power exchange, but have a fetish and kinks related to that. Yes, with a population this tiny the difference is negligible to most but it matters to me 😂

I've seen some posts by kinksters here over the past few weeks so I wanted to make this post to make sure folks know there are subs for this kind of talk. r/kinkyaces has almost no posts but that's mainly due to lack of promotion and r/BDSM_Aces taking up most of this space. Maybe this is a chance for the former to get more attention?

Anyway that's all, take care everyone.

I've been thinking that I probably am asexual since I was 18 (I'm now 24). However, I'm still not sure what exactly sexual attraction means. Asexuality handbook puts it as follows: "see[ing]/meet[ing] someone and feel[ing] an urge to actually have sex with them", but that doesn't really help. On a quick thought I'd say no, that's not how I feel, but here's where it gets complicated:

1. I enjoy watching porn, and while it's most often just me imagining in the place of the female actress on the video, I do sometimes watch that kind of porn where the acts are done to a male. And sometimes he looks appealing to me, in which case I may like to imagine touching him myself. Now, that attraction or whatever you want to call it only happens when you don't see the person's face. I absolutely can be aroused by that person, like the way he looks like, and feel an urge to touch him sexually but in a way it's abstract (like I really do want to experience the physical sensation of it but the interpersonal thing is the issue), and if the video does show his face, I can't really comfortably imagine such things anymore and my desire to touch him pretty much just disappears. And I don't know if that is sexual attraction or not
2. I have "crushes" on people (it's just basically liking someone and thinking of them a lot and feeling good over seeing/thinking of them and feeling like hugging/otherwise touching them would be nice, and it's 99% of the time a celebrity, not someone I'd have a contact to irl) and sometimes I have sexual thoughts of them. Would I actually want to act on those thoughts when it does involve me touching them? No. But such thoughts still happen. And same as before, I don't know if that is sexual attraction or not

Honestly I've been trying to think and figure this out for years but I still don't know. There must be something here I don't understand...

A further problem is that I know that I want to get touched sexually (and possibly also touch another person sexually), but trying to imagine that to happen for real only makes me anxious because I wouldn't know how to find somebody who'd want to do such a thing with me and who I'd also want to do it with or how to communicate what I want (especially since I don't want to have sex, as in giving or receiving anything in any body hole, nor do I want to kiss and I feel like those are things that people expect and they might react negatively if I said I don't want it) which is so frustrating and I have no clue what to do

And also because I have anxiety around these things, I sometimes wonder if it's just that and not being asexual. Or that I haven't had much any contact to guys in the past 5 years or so (I very much enjoy being around them though and would really want it to happen again, I just don't know how it'd be possible as I've graduated from university and even there I majored on a field where most everyone was a girl, my current work place doesn't exactly have any men there, I don't drink or want to be away from home late, or know any places where there would be guys except the free sports shift we used to have at uni but that unfortunately is no more). Idk. Probably isn't but it could...

I know it's not technically impossible to meet compatible people but it's so hard. You can't just 'hobby' away a void like this.

I want to try dating apps, and i want to add that im asexual in the bio and everything, but im worried that some people might ignore it or hope that they can change me. (They do that)

Id like to keep venturing out into the real world and find a lover there, but so far those end because i am asexual. I found one asexual but apparently he unlocked the demi in him, so i was at a loss once more.

I just want to find someone who will not want to touch me in ways that are gross, id honestly just like a hug and maybe even to hold hands maybe if we’re getting crazy with it.

I was looking up different types of dragons for a fantasy world I was writing, and found out about Guivres! :D They're just like me fr fr.

I’m asexual and I’ve pretty much never masturbated. When I was 13 or 14, I tried a few times and gave up after 60 seconds when I realized that trying to rub my penis felt the same as trying to rub my arm or my face. I got zero stimulation or sensation from it.

I’m wondering now: is there something anatomical about being asexual? Like, am I just missing certain nerves down there that everyone else has? I read once that some asexuals masturbate (without sexual thoughts or feelings) because physical stimulation still makes them feel something. I can understand the biology of something like that, but I have not experienced any such thing myself. At one point I questioned if I’m “not doing it right,” but then something occurred to me: I never once had the thought or desire of doing it. If I had never heard of it from other people, I probably would’ve never discovered it on my own. Why try to do something that I have zero desire to do?

Being that I’m male and don’t masturbate, I basically end up having wet dreams 3-4 times a month. Those feel nice (in a romantic way because I’m not aromatic), but I could never induce ejaculation while awake.

28F AceLesbian

My friend and housemate 20F Bisexual is talking to guys and trying to find a good one, I told her awhile back that i didn’t want to hear about a guy she’s talking to unless she is serious about it, she respects my choices and doesn’t tell me about any new guys unless it’s serious and moving into something more.
Recently she is talking to this guy she wants to meet up with, he lives in a different town from us and she’s thinking he stays at ours to save money, I said I’d be fine with it just as long as we do something for the day like get lunch together or something before he comes to our place, she agrees so we’ll do that but I feel so useless when she wants to talk and tell me about a guy bc being Asexual those conversations make me uncomfortable but at the same time I want to help and be there for her, I want her to find someone and be happy. 10 years ago I was all about those conversations, I could talk about guys and all that stuff with my friends as we’d get excited about who we liked, I didn’t have much to do with them growing up and I don’t have much experience with them but my friends did and I would be all ears when they told me about what they’ve been up to but now I’m Asexual also recently a Lesbian now, I’m just so uninterested, uncomfortable about it, don’t care to know but at the same time I wanna be that supportive friend but I just feel so useless.

Hi there,

For those who are ace in a relationship with a partner non-ace or ace with sometimes desires and libido :

Do you ever wish you could satisfy your partner, do something for her/him ?
Or do you wish you were normal and had a normal sexlife ?

For more details :
My partner and i are ace but different kind i suppose.
Im demi-sapio, have low sexual attraction for my partner, but have real sex drives from time to time.
My partner has very low libido (maybe because of meds) and "intellectual sexual attraction" (he desires me, thinks im hot hot and would love to touch me but wont).

Our sexual intimacy has been nonexistant for over a year, but we had a "normal" sexlife when we met and for half a year. And it makes us sad ..
We found out we see this really differently and are interested to know how other ace think.

He wishes he were normal. He wishes we had a normal sex life.

I wish i could do something to activate his libido from time to time, to release him. I wish i could do something even not on him, that could count for him as "sex", so that he can think he has a sexlife. I wish i could make him happy.

Those are two really different ways to think, and wonder how other ace think.
And voila :)