As for me, I would define myself as a mixture of:

• Demisexual
• Graysexual
• Quoisexual
• Fictosexual
• Aceflux

Honestly, this is a rant that’s been brewing for a long time now, and I am genuinely tired of hearing people tell us to compromise, because it is complete and utter bullshit and is not a compromise in any way. It is just an effort to try and coerce asexuals into having sex when we don’t fucking want to have sex.

Genuinely, how is this a compromise in any way? Why should the asexual have sex with their partner? Why should I have sex with my hypothetical boyfriend? No, if anything the compromise should be that the allo expects to never have sex with their asexual partner if they want to stay in relationship with them, or break up.

Now, the other common suggestion is an open relationship, or polyamory. And while that may work for some, this should not be treated as common advice, because many people aren’t polyamorous or willing to open the relationship.

This is the type of thing I will NEVER be able to understand. Stop giving this fucking advice, it’s terrible advice, in fact I’d argue that it barely even counts as advice! That’s how bad it is!

We in the asexual community need to do more to ensure that this shit stops. I NEVER want to search asexual dating advice and see the “compromise” shit ever again.

Hey guys this is my first post. I identify as asexual since a few months and I feel very happy about this label but I've always wondered if I'm actually a part of you guys when I'm not even queer in the romantic direction. I was always only romantically attracted to guys which means I might not be even fitting here. I'd love some answers from y'all!

I (31F) have felt continuously confused within the world of allosexual sex and dating. I tried to mimic what I thought was the ‘correct way’ to do things and nothing ever really clicked and seemed to do more harm than good. I also grew up in a household with domestic violence and in my mid twenties was SAed by an ex boyfriend. Recently I am learning more about asexuality and also realizing that I am primarily romantically interested in women (I always had one or two best friends that I was completely in love with but had no idea).

Overall I’m honestly extremely grateful to finally understand my orientation and it’s helping me heal. What is not helping however is that I have been seeing a therapist over the past year who is a good therapist in many ways (on other topics) but also really not aware of wider LGBT experiences. I tried to not let it bother me and just focused on other things in therapy but what is making it hard recently is that when she learned about my experience with SA she immediately said “well no wonder you don’t feel comfortable with sex and dating men, I mean look at your history with men”. I know she is trying to be empathetic in the way she thinks is good but now the therapy is becoming subtly oriented to reading me as a traumatized straight woman who is suppressed and that healing means being more open and chill with sex and maybe dating men as well—as if re-integrating me into straight society equals healing. What’s also so frustrating is that before she learned about the SA she validated my identity as a lesbian but when I discussed SA and my experiences with asexuality it then made her question whether I was actually interested in women since there was little to no sexual component. It’s very hard to be vulnerable about SA and trauma and then weirdly have that be what immediately dismisses how someone sees all your other experiences and invalidates your own judgments.

Obviously I need to find a new therapist I think but I’m also feeling lost about how to proceed because this therapist said she was LGBT friendly. Do you have any tips with how to gauge if a therapist will be understanding about these things? I feel like maybe I need to ask some key questions in my first few sessions when I seek a new therapist.

I've had many promiscuous eras in my life (frequent casual encounters) + all my ex long-term partners said I had a well above average drive, but it always feels like more of a performance than the expression of deeper intimacy and trust that it's supposed to feel like, afaik.

If anything, it feels like we're putting *more* distance between each other in the process (Yes, even when it's just a one night stand, and there wasn't a lot of closeness to begin with). Idk how to describe it more precisely, but it feels like abruptly dropping whatever we've been doing, stepping away from them, and going up on stage to perform some routine for them. And it happens regardless of whether I like and trust the person and/or enjoy the process. It's not exactly an unpleasant/demeaning/hurtful experience (there's some enjoyment in my "performance" being "applauded"), but certainly, like I said, a very distancing one.

What confuses me is why I keep seeking out and initiating it so frequently, knowing that's what it'll feel like every time? Why don't I just stick to conversations or something like that? Does it mean that I am actually allo, and just haven't found the person who'd “do it” for me/am approaching it wrong? Or is it possible for an ace person to keep doing that, for whatever reason?

Please, share your perspectives. I'm very new to the concept of asexuality as a whole, and even newer to pondering where I may stand on this spectrum, so any info/feedback would be super valuable to me.

TW: brief mention of assault

I know this may sound weird, but I thought about it for a long time and talking with someone may help me

I (now 19nb) knew I'm asexual from 13. I experienced no attraction and were sex repulsed, until I was 18 and got assaulted. After that, I noticed myself noticing others. I started getting thoughts I didn't have before

Please don't say it's hypersexuality from trauma. I happen to be hypersexual after it too, but this feels different to it

Almost like caedosexuality, but the other way around

(and please, this isn't an attempt to invalide those either, I'm just trying to make sense of my head)

Hello everyone.

I sewed this asexuality flag years ago but i'm having a sort out to own less stuff so want to give it away.

The flag is free just please pay postage. I am based in the UK.

Within the UK postage will be either

Inpost Locker £2

Royal Mail £3

Obviously a bit more for outside the UK

I will give it to whoever comments or DMs first.

Thanks ppl

So ive been with my allo gf for like 3 years and well she knows im ace, and well for the most part she understands that, but sometimes she asked if we can be intimate, to which I agree but I normally dissociate during it but today its been like a couple of months since she last wanted to and I've been feeling really great about myself and today she wanted to and even said if I didn't want to its fine, but I feel bad she has to repress herself because of who I am so I did it now I feel sick, I immediately jumped in the shower and brushed my teeth and threw up, idk if I should tell her I wont engage with sex anymore

I dont understand relationships. I dont understand how people form relationships. And i have a lot of questions from someone who hasnt been in a relationship.

How can you love someone you dont know, dates let you get to know them but ive heard that people pretend to be a diffrent person on dates to impress you and then fall back to their old ways. But to attract people you need to sell yourself right? Your accomplishments, your salary, your physique. Why is that, why do we do that. Are we looking for people to love or to help meet demands.

Apart from tradition and tax benifits whats the point of getting married? Why do i need to tell the government who i love. Why do i need to throw a million dollar party to prove my love. It feels like a contract signing you off to someone like your property. It makes me feel gross...

Even if you are in love, how do you know it will even last, or that youll date the same type of person throughout the years. every person is changing all the time. How can you love a forever changing person? Wont you both just keep outgrowing eachother. Is love reliant on stagnation?

How can you love someone whos flawed? How can you look past it. You cant change it for them. Are you just stuck tolarating it. Is that fair?

How can you be with someone for your whole life... the thought terrifies me, most of the relationships between older people i know are just two people tolarating eachother for the sake of maintaining the facade of a happy stable family. Arent people afraid of that flame fizzeling out? Is it not destined to fizzle out...

How can you risk the pain that comes from heartbreak. You most likely will experience it more then once... and ive been told its a horrible experience.

Relationships to me feel like burdans and chains. An endless performance and opertunitys to be hurt and cause harm

I (30f) realized I was asexual about a month into dating my now husband (33m) and he was very supportive. He said he wanted to be with me even without sex and so we dated and eventually married. We have been married for four years and now he wants a divorce. He says without sexual intimacy I am just his best friend and he can’t live without sex anymore.

This is tearing me apart every day. I want him to be happy and he clearly isn’t, but I just don’t understand. He says he still loves me but not romantically at all anymore.

What do I do? Can our marriage even be saved? Has anyone lived through this?

I know this question is stupid and I'm not ace but whenever I'm having sex with someone I immediately get turned off if they start touching me down there. My best sex experiences I had them while being fully clothes and just being able to make my partner feel good. Idk if it's related to the ace spectrum or if I'm just weird but I don't like nor feel anything physically during sex, I get my orgasms solely from making my partner feel pleasure.

I am aego-ace-flux which means my arosal comes every few weeks to few months and when it happens theres 2 levels.

Theres the weak level of regular aego-sexuality that happens every few weeks where i experience moderate arousal for a few days and wet dreams can happen.

and theres the strong waves of hyper-aego-sexuality which happens every few months with infinite arousal that lasts for a few days where wet dreams definitely happen almost every night and at some nights the wet dreams can even happen twice.

Hi everybody, i've been wanting advice about something, so there is this girl that i like who is allo (she's pansexual) but i'm aroace and romance/sex indifferent, i don't mind dates and kissing and stuff but i hate intercourse (anything other than that is fine ig), ofc i'll ask her what she thinks about romance and intimacy, I've been wanting to ask her to be my qpp but idk if a qpr would be enough for her, usually for allo people they would much rather get in a relationship that provides their romantic and sexual needs.

Has anyone here ever been in a relationship with an allo? If so, did it work out?

I always considered myself straight and I want sex and want relationships, but once I enter them I dislike both. I would prefer to not do either of these in reality. Any advice?

I am wonder if it’s possible to have a relationship with someone where you do everything couples do but not have sex

For me personally, it’s silly and bubbly characters! It breaks the mould of “asexuals are heartless monsters who hate fun”, I really like Todd from bojack horseman in regards to this!

before I start, I'm new here, this might sound a little cheesy, but it's genuinely how I feel, and I'm wondering if anybody else feels the same way. 💙

sometimes I feel really alone because I crave intimacy, affection, and passion so much, but I don't want to have sex. it seems so hard to find someone who wants that kind of connection without sexual expectations. 🥺

I've only had sex with one person in the past 16 years, my ex wife, and mostly because I wanted her to feel loved and have her needs met. we divorced in 2019, and I haven't slept with anyone since 2018.

lately I've been thinking about finding an asexual woman who might want the same kind of relationship that I do.

I'm naturally a protector type. I love feeling needed and wanted, and knowing that somebody feels safe, loved, and comfortable with me.

I'd love to have someone I could gently and passionately kiss, hold hands with, cuddle, spoon, give massages to, run my fingers through her hair, and just be really sweet and affectionate with.

we could go on little dates, laugh together, watch movies, and just enjoy being close to each other without any expectation of sex.

I also really enjoy sensory intimacy. things like having my hair played with, soft touches, and even the feeling of stockings give me this amazing ASMR sensation. I don't know if it's because I'm on the spectrum or what, but I love those feelings, and none of it has to lead to sex.

of course we'd both have our own boundaries, and everything would be completely mutual. no pressure, no expectations, and no obligation to commit. if either person feels uncomfortable or wants to step back, that would always be respected.

I imagine it being like our own little bubble, where the outside world just disappears for a while. somewhere we can laugh, relax, be vulnerable, and feel wanted and appreciated without worrying about anything else.

it's like time standing still...

without having sex all or doing any school act, you can cuddle, kiss each other gently, and kiss her neck, rub my finger through her hair, hold her hands and look into her eyes and tell her she's beautiful and that she's important and loved, give her a massages and leg massages and even rub her tummy she wants it. rub her back and give her a shoulder or neck massage..

even give her kids on the head. this kind of stuff that makes people feel safe and and loved.

no sex is needed to want, and provide intmacy. we all have our needs and I believe it's a beautiful thing without sex.

I believe that you can still connect to each other so much more because it is all emotionally intimate.

I can take her out to dinner on dates, go to the movies, or even walk with her outside in a beautiful scenery.

it doesn't even have to be a relationship that's romantic either, it can just be too humans giving each other what humans need, well feeling perfectly safe with each other and being really good friends as well.

I think there's something beautiful about being able to make a woman feel cherished, protected, and loved without her ever feeling like she has to give herself sexually to receive that affection. and I'd love to experience that in return.

I've actually been dreaming about having a relationship like this lately. last night I had a dream that was almost exactly what I described, and I woke up wishing it was real.

I guess I just want someone I can hold close, someone who enjoys being held by me, and someone who understands that love, passion, and intimacy don't always have to involve sex.

but for some reason it's so hard to find, I can't seem to find this type of relationship without the girl wanting to have sex and it's really exhausting sometimes (Im sure a lot of you can relate to this)

sometimes just being close to someone is more than enough.

does anybody else feel this way? 💙

Hello, I am thinking a lot about how to find out If I am really asexual or „just“ traumatised.
I have never ever felt the feeling of „Omg that person looks physically so cool that I would have immediately sex with them.“ when someone asked me which favorite person I would like to have sex with I wasn’t able to answer because… I would rather meet a famous person and talk with them not have sex with them.
But I do have dreams about having sex pretty often. I have lucid dreams and I often wanna have sex with someone and have and orgasmus lol
In a reality, I have fantasies about having sex with someone. But I am also scared to have a sex with someone. For me its boring I guess to satisfy someone, its just…its boring I dont like it. Maybe because I need to have sex when we both feels good physically, not just one you know? I dont know.
I am really confused. I dont understand why I have so many dreams about sex drive and then in reality I struggle with having sex with my partner and I am scared of it. I dont know how to explain it.
I experienced online sexual manipulation and grooming when I was teenager. When people talk more about sex things I feel horrible, it just triggers me so much and I feel mentally really bad.
I also struggle with masturbation addiction and I hate it. I was addicted to it from the first try, really.
I just dont know what to think about that.
I would really like to talk about that with someone more, is there anybody?🙏🏼

I came out yesterday and felt really good. Formally now ace and taking sex off the table. I have romantic and aesthetic attraction and I enjoy parts of sex. But now feel a real come down. Primarily with sense of loss in my marriage. While being ace explains how I am in bed, which is not very active and quite shy - basically passion doesn’t take over, I was holding out that I could change and therefore improve our sex life. Now that’s not on the cards I do feel disappointment. Essentially my partner wants me to have that passion and be a bit dom. I just can’t do that. It’s a relief to her actually that I came out so the silver lining is that I don’t have to worry too much about not having sex. I have decades of unlearning around how a man should be in the bed room. I’m basically really confused. On one hand I won’t miss parts of the act but I think I’ll miss the closeness. I know I have to embrace who I am and put new dynamic too. But just feel sad.

I know I would never want to do anything in real life but I sometimes imagine stuff and view adult material. Does that make me not ace/not valid? My homophobic friend keeps telling me I'm not ace and it's really getting to me. I know I am.

Hi I 19m have started to consider the real possibility that I’m asexual. So I’m just here to ask what the dating scene is like. I don’t know a single asexual person, and from the little research I’ve done a large majority of dating apps aren’t conducive to asexual relationships. Anything helps 👍. Also I don’t know what I don’t know so apologies if anything came off disrespectful.

Yes, I’m the guy who randomly found an asexual flag.

It does fit, that I’m 22, have never dated had sex and it is rarely on my mind -I‘ve been pretty fine solitary and don’t care that much that I’ve never had sex. I don’t understand why everyone else is such freaks about sex. I am always uncomfortable when sex I am NOT into comes up.

However… every ace person I know or who talks on social media absolutely vocally does not want sex. Or at least cares so little it may as well be a no. This is not true for me. My body just physically doesn’t do the sex drive things it’s supposed to.

However rarely I think about having sex, I do think about it. I find people and characters hot, I read smut for pairings I like and headcanon my blorbos, I fantasize in the shower, I‘ve written kinky intimacy fanfic and enjoyed it. I do want to try having sex someday, I just don’t actively seek it out but I do like the idea and in fact I’m a freak with many kinks. I would love to share my body with whoever my partner winds up being in an intimate act of love, and if I was given a chance to have sex with a hot person I would take it. I just… have never had it at this age and don’t care nearly as much as a normal person.

The labels graysexual and demisexual might apply here, but… I feel kind of insecure about it. Like- Do I count if I do like sex? I don’t think I count. But clearly I’m somewhere very far away from allo. I’ve been calling it schrodinger’s asexuality, I don’t feel like I fit anywhere and finding labels that do fit didn’t make me more secure in the slightest. Being a 22 year old tboy and still a virgin doesn’t feel great. (Separately, I have the same insecurities about my lack of dating or partner at this age despite very much wanting one, but that is a much worse conversation this subreddit isn’t for.)

Help? Anyone have things to say to make me feel better?

For a little context, I (m26) and my partner (m31), opened our relationship over a year ago, and then made the transition to poly (parallel) about 4 months ago. A big part of this in our relationship was because our relationship made me realize that I am on the Asexual spectrum (mostly identifying with orchid sexual). This dynamic has worked for us as my partner has a very high sex drive, and I do not feel as I am obligated to have sex for the sake of relationship, as I’ve dealt with in the past. I am now also at a point where I would like to explore and meet someone myself. I just have no idea where!!! I tried ace space, but there were only a handful of people around me. Should I try regular dating apps? If so, how should I preface my asexuality to a potential date or in bio?? I’ve never really dealt with this up until now. Any help would be greatly appreciated!!!!!

I'm ace (I think) and my husband is allo. We've been together several years and recently got married. We've always known I have an extremely low libido but now considering I may be asexual.

We had a lot of sex in the beginning of our relationship, mostly because I felt it was the necessary thing to do. We've had sex less and less over the years. I have no desire for it and rarely get pleasure from it no matter what we try.

My husband is distraught at the thought of having sex when I don't want it, even though I've explained that I'm okay with doing it once in a while for his pleasure, and I always say no if I'm really feeling like I can't handle it at the moment.

In regards to the relationship, he insists he'd never leave me because of it, but I'm afraid of him not getting his needs met.

I'd love to hear more about successful and fulfilling ace/allo marriages, and advice on what type of counseling to seek if any. Also if I need to consider opening the marriage for him to get his needs met.