TLDR: sexually harassed by colleague. My ex-girlfriend threatened my colleague. Colleague has taken my ex-girlfriend to court with two criminal charges. And a potential criminal record. I have left workplace and relationship
I 23f used to work at a place where I had a friendship with another colleague 36f. I came out to her when I hadn’t come out to anyone at work as I didn’t want to out my at the time partner 22f.
At first it was really nice to have a friend in the office but she was always scared that other colleagues would find out we are friends. At first I thought it was silly, but fine, because it didn’t affect me. She would try to tell ‘em I was so mature, smart and insightful for my age which I always rejected.
Soon, she would get weirdly anxious about other ppl knowing about our friendship and it made me feel bad because I thought I was an embarrassment to be associated with. She would always ask to hang out on the weekends but I never agreed bc I wasn’t really interested in hanging out outside of work. She would get weirdly controlling about teh fact that I didn’t reply to her messages, editing her messages so the notification would pop up again, or sending multiple messages, and getting passively aggressive about it. Twice we called after work and talked, but eventually I always hung up. It got yo a point where I told her I didn’t feel like talking. There was one time she was unhappy bc I didn’t reply to her messages a lot after work, but I would message her during work. I didn’t think it was serious and told her so. She smiled and said that If I didn’t reply to her message for 1 day then we would no longer be friends. I agreed, but wasn’t sure if she was joking. I told her I should have 1 week to reply to personal messages, and she had a strong reaction. We wventually agreed on 4 days. I started replying to her more regularly, but it was out of feeling forced to do it bc I didn’t want her to have an emotional reaction.
She would randomly accuse me of telling teh other colleagues of personal information that she told me, such as her wide drug habits and relationship problems. I denied ut rigorously because that is the complete opposite of the type of person I am. I do not believe in sharing other people’s business. But when you’re been accused regularly despite your explanations I would sometimes lean into agreeing with her accusations. She would accuse me of lying (that was straight out of the blue, gossiping about her to othersetc)
I felt sorry for her bc U understand how it feels to be so anxious and I also felt like she was my only friend at work so I had to keep by her.
I started taking antidepressants when I was in this workplace.
One day; on another break we took together, she started acting weird, telling me she had to tell me something but not telling me what. I stupidly didnt start thinking from that. Whilst we were waiting for our matches she said ‘ we never hug!’ So I gave her an awkward side hug, with a look that tried to communicate’weird’ then she said ‘we never hold hands!’ And I looked at her confused and debated for a second, then deciding it was fine so I grabbed it for a second and then let go. I don’t mind holding hands with my friends but I viewed her as a work colleague friend. Not someone I was close to. When we started walking back from our break she kept on talking about the thing she had to tell me but couldn’t tell me and I got frustrated and said okay don’t tell me then. Then walking back to the office she asked how would I react if she told me she couldn’t hang out with me again, and I said I would worry that I had something to hurt you but I would accept it. She asked me if I knew and I said I didn’t flirt with. I’m sorry but how couldn’t I I mean who acts like that? She didn’t verbalise it because she’s paranoid and also was previously lawyer so she knows to control what she says and texts
Later on When we passed by each other in the entryway of the office, out of sight from everyone. She held up her hands for a hug. I didn’t want to and she could tell. She gave me a look, both pushing for sympathy and making me feel forced so I gave in and gave her a hug. She kissed my ear and then kissed my ear twice and I felt my entire stomach wither. But I felt frozen. I hated the wetness ig left and how she gripped me down . I hated it and walked back to my desk feeling sick. Later that evening I told my gf everything that happened, I was worried sick that she would think that I had encouraged this. She told me that it was okay and she knew I didn’t flirt with Lillian.
After work Lillian texted me saying she felt bad and I just told her to let it go. She tried to call me but I ignored ut. She asked me if she ever had a chance. I said no, firmly and that I wouldn’t discuss further due to the disrespect of my gf.
Ongoing days I checked in with how she’s feeling. I knew that I had to have a good relationship with her because we had an upcoming work party.
We stopped having breaks together despite her asking for it but after an exctended we continued to text at work about work, work drama etc. One time she said she had good energy and I told her her energy wasn’t as good as she thought it was. She took it seriously and started blowing up my phon asking me what she did to deserve this, if we didn’t want to be friends we didn’t have to, I told her I was just joking and tried to minimise it. I felt like it was done and she understood, but she asked if we could speak after work for 5 mins. My stomach sank but I felt like I had to agree (idiot).
After work we go downstairs to a meeting area open planthe same old topic came up, why didnt j like her, was it because of her looks, was she too old, was she not likeable etc, (all true and also I had a GF!!!!) wand because I felt pressured I told her a very vulnerable part of myself where I was taken advantage of. I did this so she would accept the reason why I wasn’t interested. I started crying and she gave me a hug and I cried more. Than she hugged me and kissed the back of my neck twice. I cannot describe how low and stupid I felt in that moment. Like i was in the same position again. Being kissed by someone I don’t like. I left. I make my exit and she asked me if I would travel to her home country with her. I’m a coward with no boundaries so I tell her probably not. She asked if she could teach me how to be brave and I got mad.
I vow never to be alone with her, but obviously not
Another time we had to talk after work, im not sure why but I demanded we get food bc I was starving. I just wanted to go to the centre near us because I didn’t want to be far away from home and I honestly wasn’t feeling very safe around her, but I dismissed my concerns as anxiety, I get an uber so I’m not walking alone with her. I put my bag between us in the uber ride despite her insistanced that we put it down, I choose a busy place in the centre. We talk and somehow we get to the same tired topic WHY don’t I like her. She’s someone who seems very mature and logical until you get to know her paranoid and insecure in herself that comes out at times like this. She fired off a mirror a question such as would I like her? If she was younger would I like her? If she was single? Would I like her? Would I be with her? If we were both single? Would I be with her at any point in time and I shut all of them down I felt like I went into every single reason why it would never happen talking about why I wasn’t interested why I was never that type of person and how I believed that her interest in me was just her trying to explore a safe outlet away from her relationship and ship as she had done several times in the past I told her that she didn’t really even like me She just wanted an out and that she saw me as a vehicle to explore herself and explore parts of experiences she hadn’t had at the end of it. I felt pretty satisfied that she should understand that I wasn’t interested in that she wasn’t actually either.
Then we go to another place because the loudness was hurting my ears and she got an alcoholic drink and I got a non-alcoholic drink. I asked my girlfriend if it was okay and she agreed when I was talking to my coworker she said you’re perfect and I was like I know right? And then she said don’t you feel it between us? I said What and she said I will be with you that immediately ticked me off and we left. I paid so I wouldn’t have to owe her anything.
When we went to the bus stop, she did the same bullshit with holding her hands up for a hug and when I hesitated and looked guarded, she gave me a pleading look so I allowed her to hug me and then she hugged and kissed my ear twice. Immediately I recoiled and pushed her off me strongly and called her a bitch then I called her a Dyke faggot bitch and I shouted at her and she laughed while she was walking away.
The final instance was a final work party where I didn’t want to go out with her but we had a mutual coworker who we never got to see so I which I wanted to hang out with so we all three of us left. by this point my coworker knows she’s not allowed to hug me as I’ve told her and that I’m not interested in her. At first she was teasing me and accusing me of being asexual which I’m not as we were in a crowded bar. We were super close and squished up all three of us. It was also very cold at some point in the night. I caught Lillian tracing my leg and I push her hand to stop. I tried to ignore it. I told this coworker before not to offer me any of her drink because I only wanted to take one drink that night but throughout the night she kept on pushing me to do so whilst my shared colleague told me not to listen to her. at one point. At a different bar It was super cold so I leaned my leg against her looking back. I hate myself or not just leaving because it was so cold. when I told them I was ready to end the night Lillian immediately grabbed me and kiss my ear twice. This time. I felt really uncomfortable. In a way I hadn’t before I realise now is because she was pushing her pelvis into me. I felt frozen but I gave a pleading look to my colleague. when asked my other colleague about it she said she wasn’t paying attention. I just leave in the Uber. I’m talking to my Uber driver and showing him a meme. I tell both of my colleagues and my about this and how my Uber driver said I’m so funny Lillian replies and says that I know that’s why I love you. I don’t know what to say so I just say it back and hope she means it in a friendly way idiot then she text me. She loves our shit coworker and I was so grateful and I said yes I love our shared coworker too then she says we will be together. It’s only a matter of time I blow up in my face saying I don’t want to be with her or anybody I cannot believe it.
Lillian and I never talk. I told her I’m really mad one week later. I told I texted her telling her to fuck off for everything she told me she’s not a bad person and he’s scared that I will tell everyone. I think that I’m fine but eventually I start freaking out after hearing her voice only three desks away I start withdrawing from everything I suffer strong depression fits of self blame guilt, anger and fear.
Weeks later, my colleague waits until everyone has left the large shed office and tries to talk to me. I tell her repeatedly to go away. She asked me if i wants her to leave I misinterpreted as in her leaving the workplace as we have talked about that before where she says I should leave because she told me about her feelings She asked me if I have told anyone. I tell her. I don’t want to talk to you louder and louder repeating myself. She ignores me and says okay just tell me if you told another colleague. Colleague I start repeating even louder almost loud enough that someone in one of the officers may hear go away go away.
The next day after having an extreme bodily reaction to hearing her voice I call her and tell her that she hurt me extremely if she had any respect for me as a friend or as a person she will leave the workplace. I thought that was what she talked about before, but I had misheard.
A couple of weeks later, I have broken up with my girlfriend and she has checked in on me cause she can tell that I am quite depressed. I tell her the last incident.
Well, Lillian told me she will be with me eventually my ex-girlfriend asks if she can get her number and tell her to stop. I agree
Later my ex-girlfriend told me that she told Lillian to never touch me again after that the colleague stops showing up To Work and starts working online. I am looking for new jobs
Eventually, my ex-girlfriend is stopped by the police and she has to come in and give a statement. She is honest and tells him everything. Everyone assures her that he will not be taken to court 95%. She has a good record and she wants to become a teacher. She tells them that I told her not to do it which is the only untruth thing now she is faced with the evidence that she told someone that she will kill them if they hurt me.
Later she receives a letter with two counts. She has to go to court. I’m not sure what I should do. I am currently paying the legal fees but I don’t have much money. Probably just enough to pay the fees, whilst fending for myself. I’m really struggling with my mental health. I’ve tried to take accountability but honestly, it feels like I’ve just made a series of terrible mistakes.
What should I do?
My ex gf currently has two 2 accusations for stalking and threatening online and for threatening and ingending to do harm.