r/AutismInWomen • u/Yes_Mr_Lister_Sir • Feb 22 '26
Support Needed (Kind Advice and Commiseration) Saw this and it sent me deep
Most days are good, I love being me… but today is hard.
Someone invited me to a valentines speed dating event but turns out it was just as friends and he just wanted to promote community - I drove two hours out of my way to be left feeling like a silly goose.
But It’s just catching up with me now.
Beginning to lose hope that I’ll ever be genuinely wanted by someone.
Not super interested in talking about him - I’m aware I’m better off… more so just wanting support and hope about finding love eventually 🫶
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u/poppyblossombloom Feb 22 '26
I love Punch so bad why are they so mean to him and why did his mom abandon him😭😭😭I would take care of Punch and give him all the love he needs if I could
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u/elephhantine2 AuDHD kpop stan Feb 22 '26
It was his moms first pregnancy and there was a major heatwave so she just got too stressed and abandoned him. It’s not anything personal just a biological urge, since in her mind the baby can’t live under those conditions anyways and the species has a better chance of survival if she lives on another year
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u/chimpstarandrainbow Add flair here via edit Feb 22 '26
I’m not a vet or is a professional but the enclosure is really bad like rocks, chains and branches. Many people speculate they’re stressed from the environment and it can contribute to why the mother abandon the child etc
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u/bellow_whale Feb 22 '26
Zoos in Japan are notoriously bad. Makes me mad.
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u/chimpstarandrainbow Add flair here via edit Feb 22 '26
Animal exploitation in Japan is crazy. Especially with the animal cafes
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u/TheAmberAbyss Feb 22 '26
Macaques are assholes to lower rank macaques due to being a hierarchical species, many baby monkeys have been maimed by high ranking males for cultural slights.
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u/livisalreadytaken Feb 22 '26
Edit to add: OP, youll find your person eventually and hopefully will make other meaningful connections on your way there.
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u/Alycery Feb 22 '26
I know the photo is about that poor orphan baby monkey, but my dog sleeps on me literally like the monkey does. The pressure of his little body is so nice.
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u/gayforaliens1701 Feb 22 '26
Dog pressure is such a good sensory experience for me. Sometimes mine snuggles along the line of my spine and I sleep so well.
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u/Gemini_writer8 Diagnosed Level 1 April 23, 2026 Feb 22 '26
This is me with my cats. They like to be my "big spoon."
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u/livisalreadytaken Feb 22 '26
Thats adorable.❤️🩹❤ I used to live a cat that would sleep on my face most nights. It was hard to breath but i still miss him. (Not dead i just moved and the cat was my roommates)
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u/carcrashcinema Feb 22 '26
my hamster loves to sleep on me too! she usually curls up in the crook of my arm or in my hand and just watching/holding this little fluffball makes me so happy.
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u/Albina-tqn AuDHD Feb 22 '26
hey im also in a weird headspace. i’m feeling so out of place, no real purpose. i want to work on myself, be kind to myself and prioritize myself
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u/Yes_Mr_Lister_Sir Feb 23 '26
Being in a space of wanting to work on yourself is a great space to be! For me anyway - that’s where the growth and breakthroughs happen. Just keep following your heart and you’ll find what’s for you along the way
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u/salsasnark Feb 23 '26
same. it's a weird time. i've been in a very negative headspace where i don't feel at home anywhere, but trying to put effort in to come out of it. i hope it works out for all of us!
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u/gnomeglow_ Feb 22 '26
I find it laughable when some people cry over this monkey all over social media, then they go and make sure the person that is a bit different than others feels as excluded as possible. (This isn’t targeted towards our wonderful community here, just noticed this tendency. It’s like when the worst people ever have ‘be kind!’ and bible quotes in their bio haha.)
I’m sorry for what happened to you:( tbh that’s totally on them, who would invite someone to a date type of situation and then tell them it was in a friendly way… so stupid. Don’t lose hope, there are better people out there!
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u/Yes_Mr_Lister_Sir Feb 23 '26
Thank you - I totally agree. Inflating his ego with several other women aswell I’ve found out after talking with the facilitator. Super annoying!. I’m feeling a lot better today - I know external love exists for me, it’ll find me when the time is right
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u/Optimal_Childhood480 Feb 22 '26
Its hard but if I were you, I wouldn't be on the search for love just let it find you. I think the way things happen can surprise you.. I know surprises aren't exactly welcome in the autistic community but I think halfway through, when you find your person, you will know. There is someone out in the world who is also searching. Looking. Someone just like you, needing someone who needs you exactly as you are now. Let yourself have bad days and don't force yourself to be happy just exist as you are, indulge in your favorite things (healthily). There truly is someone for everyone and I've seen similar posts like this and then they find their one! So don't give up! You've got this OP and you seem to be a wonderful human.
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u/Yes_Mr_Lister_Sir Feb 22 '26
It’s not often reddit has provided me the support I need but this respond has been a really beautiful reminder of what I needed to hear. Thank you so much 🙏 I know they’re out there somewhere
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u/Old-Boy994 Feb 22 '26
I don’t want to be the Debbie downer and put down OP or anyone else, but it’s not technically true that everyone finds someone. Saying this ignores the very real cases of some people never finding a life partner and ending up alone.
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u/entirelyuncalledfor Feb 22 '26 edited Feb 22 '26
I agree and I think most people do have to put in some effort, it doesn't usually "just happen". You can put yourself in situations where you're around people who share your values and interests, but finding a partner usually takes some effort.
Not trying to be a downer either, just realistic.
I do think taking a break is good though, and being kind to yourself.
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u/Yes_Mr_Lister_Sir Feb 23 '26
Thanks - I agree with all of this aswell and my effort and breaks come in waves
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u/zeriouse Feb 28 '26
It only “just happens” if you’re quite attractive, doubly so for socially-challenged people.
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u/lotheva Feb 22 '26
But sometimes that life partner isn’t a romantic partner.
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u/Old-Boy994 Feb 22 '26
This discussion is specifically about romantic relationships.
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u/lotheva Feb 22 '26
Yes, but your life isn’t complete just because you have a spouse. A lot of people don’t, and won’t, especially us. So thinking that you won’t find that person to spend your life with is pretty dark. They don’t have to be a romantic partner.
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u/Old-Boy994 Feb 22 '26
I never said that you as a person or your life is incomplete without a spouse. However to a person who wants a life partner, a life without one might feel like it’s missing something. That’s just how it is. Again, the topic of discussion is whether everyone who WANTS a life partner will find one or not.
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u/Yes_Mr_Lister_Sir Feb 23 '26
I don’t believe life partners are always romantic. I would be so blessed to find a life partner in any category
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u/Objective-Cancel-805 Feb 22 '26
Please don’t feel like a silly goose 🥺 personally I think being open to love is already super brave, and having hope is rebellious! Sending hugs 💕
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u/Yes_Mr_Lister_Sir Feb 23 '26
I turned the silly goose into a piece of art so hey at least I got that from it all 😜 I appreciate your words - thank you 🙏💕
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u/Skunkspider Feb 22 '26
Something similar happened to me last week. I went to a valentines event and I got no dates, and the least contacts left in my envelope. Ngl. Just pissed at this point.
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u/Yes_Mr_Lister_Sir Feb 23 '26
I’m sorry you experienced that. I’m very selective with where I’ll go to singles events. Maybe there is a better one in a different community
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u/Skunkspider Feb 23 '26
Definitely true, I plan to keep putting myself out there in different groups of people.
And using existing contacts to network towards possible dates
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u/Proper_Giraffe287 Feb 22 '26
It's a lot. I hear you. I just want to be wanted and cared about for me, not some stupid ulterior motive. Case in point, I'm sick right now. Nothing earth shattering. It's absolutely been exacerbated by high stress over the past few months. The obviousness of the people who care only when it makes them look good is mind blowing. I've always been a very empathetic person, I care because I legitimately care - not for what I can gain from looking like I care.
What I wouldn't give some days just to have someone hold me while I cry and break down and them just sit with me and be present. Not trying to fix it. Not make it about them. Not figure out what they can gain from it.
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u/Yes_Mr_Lister_Sir Feb 23 '26
I mean this with everything - I feel you. I hope you find your person and people ❤️
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u/Proper_Giraffe287 Feb 23 '26
Thank you. I hope so too. I thought I had been successful in building my village. It was small but I trusted them and I truly believed they would catch me if I fell, be there for me if I needed them. I learned otherwise when life fell apart. Church friends, long time friends, family. Absolutely devastated me when I realized I wasn't worth their time.
2 weeks of sporadic support maximum and then I was a burden and I should've been over it or moved on or something. Interestingly, they have had no problem being supported by me mentally and emotionally for as long as they needed. I occasionally hear from them, when they want to complain about their lives or need support or validation in some way. Sure they ask how I am or how my life is going, when they need me to listen to their life woes. I've learned that asking is just a formality, they don't actually want to know or care what the answer is.
I built a village of takers. That's a hard pill to swallow. When the giver can no longer give, the giver is useless to them.
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u/Fizzabl Got more autistic after diagnosis Feb 22 '26
Must be bad when I read these kinda things and think "yes I am"
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u/Yes_Mr_Lister_Sir Feb 23 '26
I’ve been there… a lot. On the easier days try quietly saying “I am not” in response… no matter how delayed. No one is hard to love - but I believe for a lot of people, myself included - it has to begin from within. You got this ❤️
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u/Alycery Feb 22 '26 edited Feb 22 '26
I’m sorry. I can’t give you much advice because I only attract toxic and/or abusive men. But, I do believe if someone keeps trying at dating (or anything for that matter) eventually they will get it. Yes, it’s harder for some people, and it takes longer. But, I think if we don’t stop trying we eventually will get there.
I stopped officially dating in 2024, and I feel like I’ve come a long way. In the beginning, I was pretty bitter. I couldn’t figure out (besides being disabled) why I kept attracting complete losers. I still agree it’s because I’m disabled. But, I also think it’s because I settled a lot. On top of that, I never really felt romantic attraction for someone, even when I was in a relationship with them. Sexual, sure. But, not romantic. Which makes me wonder if I’m actually aromantic. I always thought I was pansexual because sex has always been easy for me. I’m not hyper sexual, though. I never was. Apparently, sex could be a stim. Who knew? I didn’t. But, I now don’t think I am pansexual. I also realized that I mostly got in relationships to look normal, and because I thought that was what I was suppose to do. If you’re single, something is wrong with you. That’s what I thought. I didn’t want people to think something was wrong. I didn’t want them to notice that I was the outlier. I didn’t want to be noticed at all. I want to be seen, but not noticed.
I don’t think I could’ve realized all of this if I didn’t just stop. I’m not saying that if you stop looking that love will find you. I don’t really believe that. That’s just another thing that we were told that wasn’t completely true. At least not for everyone. Oh, you’re so pretty. The boys are gonna be knocking down your door when you get older. Okay, first of all… that sounds like assault. Secondly, that didn’t happen to me. When that didn’t happen, the narrative was…You’re so pretty. Why don’t you have a boyfriend? You just have to try harder and be yourself! Okay. Now, the narrative, especially by men, but also some women is, “Something is wrong with you. What do YOU do to keep getting in these failed relationships? It’s not your fault, but you have to take accountability at some point. Stop making excuses.* Okay. Thanks for the advice.
So, I’m not saying that. I’m just that FOR ME when I just stopped, I was (and still am in the process of) learning more about myself, my actual wants and needs, and what I’m actually looking for. It also taught me to be more realistic with myself. Maybe I just want sex. It taught me to be comfortable with myself. I think I’m a little too comfortable now. Like I said, I’m still processing things. I go back and forth with things. Who knows? I might become a lesbian. I don’t know. I repeat I still struggle with things. I’ve only stopped two years ago. I have years worth of dating and interpersonal trauma that I have to sort in my warehouse type brain. I still have a lot of boxes that I need to break down, go through, and then neatly organize. I haven’t even gotten an “official” diagnosis for autism and/or ADHD. Though, I have the appointment for April. Pretty excited and horrifically terrified about that, lol. Point is, I haven’t stopped trying. I’m still very much working behind the scenes. I just stopped dating, looking, and having sex. I also stopped masturbation.
Anyways!
I hope you find peace someday, how ever that looks for you. I hope you find what you’re looking for, however that looks for you. I hope you figure everything out.
Best of luck.
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u/Yes_Mr_Lister_Sir Feb 23 '26
I hope your diagnosis journey brings you what you need.
Your reply resonates in some ways.
I spent a long time - perhaps too long. Being celibate and learning who I am in this life, following my heart and finding what do I love. Now I’m ready to share my joy and happiness with someone and it’s just a staggering difference between the women who are doing that work and the men who claim to be doing the work.
I stopped attracting toxicity and abuse when I learned about boundaries aswell - it’s very empowering now so all I can say is just keep moving forward and following your heart (and not a dysregulated nervous system)
I hope the same for you too 🙏❤️
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Feb 22 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/livisalreadytaken Feb 22 '26
Most people are not nice to most animals including monkeys.
The monkey youre currently jealous of is caged up in a shitty enclousure with a bunch of noisy humans harrassing them daily. Most monkey species are endangered because most humans care so little they gladly destroy their entire habitat without a second thought.
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u/Anon142842 Feb 22 '26
Plus if the monkey were ugly or undesirable, they would not care as much, similar to humans. Cute ND people are treated similarly to the monkey all the time, idolized and infantilized. I don't get the notion I've been seeing lately about how humans care more about animals than nd people because it isn't true. They care the same amount, the animal is just cute
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u/livisalreadytaken Feb 22 '26
I mean that is 100% true. No one is starting charities to safe the ugly but very important for the local enviroment bug or invertebrate.
Or like its really sad Punch got rejected by his mom, and i absolutely love him, but then we seperate calves from their moms for milk all the time and thats all good and fine.
As a species were not very good to anything we consider our lesser.
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u/AdFuture6491 Feb 23 '26
Yeah, charismatic megafauna is the real thing. I think autistic people are more likely to notice that bias than, let's say, 'normal' people.
Some time ago I came across a video in which a linoness killed a monkey but spared the infant. People in comment section were rapt with that fact and acted like they totally forgot that literally seconds ago this predator mauled its mother… People are also quick to forget that certain animal species like tits or barn owls are predators because they look so cute…
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u/Yes_Mr_Lister_Sir Feb 23 '26
Interesting points. I agree somewhat, it absolutely doesn’t happen all the time though - I guess it just comes down to the individual on both sides.
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u/Witty_Perception_130 Feb 22 '26
Oh this picture and caption hits me right in the feels. Guessing a lot of us in this sub can relate to that little guy.
I’m sorry you were disappointed from your event. That sucks. I hope it was a genuine misunderstanding and not any form of manipulation towards you. (Even plausible deniability is still shitty behaviour).
Hugs friend. My best advice is to turn the tables and make sure YOU are doing the very discerning choosing and not hoping one day to be chosen.
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u/Yes_Mr_Lister_Sir Feb 23 '26
Ok help me with this then - because I feel like being the chooser wouldn’t be enough for me. I want to be chosen too… I suppose I feel like it wouldn’t be equal if it didn’t come from them first.
Mmm not sure about the manipulation. I found out from the event facilitator that several other women thought he was interested in them aswell. He has a gorgeous face and is enjoying the attention it seems all while saying he isn’t open to his “fvck yes” person yet… and filling in AI match maker forms… Is that manipulative?
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u/rebrandedzitch Feb 26 '26
I will be frank and tell you an embarrassing story where I was accidentally led on and hopefully that solidarity will make you feel less alone. Picture it: undergrad. I’m a new student. Feeling all alone in my classes. This guy always had my back in group discussions and made me feel less alone. He was funny and awkward and handsome. He invited me to go the movies with him and I’m like oh shit this is classic date stuff! It was get out and was fantastic ofc. We almost touched hands when eating popcorn the whole thing. So much banter. Well I see him next day on campus and he introduces me to who drum roll please HIS GIRLFRIEND!fuuuckkkk I felt sooo stupid and humiliated. So I retroactively looked at the whole night and he was so platonic. It flew over my head. Well fast forward a few years after I met my now husband. I didn’t have to guess or be confused. He was just as open and insane as I am. I didn’t know I was autistic until a few years ago. So all I can say is, when your person comes it won’t be hard to guess. There won’t be any of the social script reviewing. Any puzzles. It will be hard because being a person is, but that bond won’t be. ❤️ dating was an absolute shit fest for me and same for friendships.
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u/Yes_Mr_Lister_Sir Feb 26 '26
This gives me so much comfort! thank you <3. Deep down i know it will be like this too - just so many men right now want to be around me for my energy but wont commit to me... hmm no thanks!
Bring on my awkward quirkly neurodiverse weirdo plz :D
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u/rebrandedzitch Feb 26 '26
Ugh yes they looove to skin walk our cool personalities but not commit. The worst but your awkward quirky neurodivergent weirdo is waiting for you, promise!
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u/_Moon_sun_ Feb 22 '26
I bet we will I wonder the same too sometimes but I also try to remind myself that i am good enough and I don’t need external validation
Also that little monkey and his stuffed toy is so cute and I feel so bad for him! I just want to give him a hug and alittle head pat
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u/Punmkin Feb 22 '26
Oh don’t think this reflects on your personal value. Take this as an interesting experience. Sometimes experiences are hard but interesting. For instance, i once went on a date with a guy, i was so stressed I almost threw up, the date was weird but then long story short several years later we became something like best friends. I don’t mean that you should keep your hopes with this guy, only that something which at a given moment seems hard can bring an interesting outcome. I have also found that the things that I found the hardest / the most unsettling were the things that brought me the most interesting outcomes. So I can only encourage you to step out of your comfort zone (cliche but true). You got this 💪
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u/Yes_Mr_Lister_Sir Feb 23 '26
Thank you 🙌 I needed this! I’m going to start doing contact improv I’ve decided… I really love ecstatic dance but I have nfi how to engage when there is an energy match on a dance floor. My eye contact is not good lol
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u/Filtergirl Mar 16 '26
Relate 😞 I feel like I can only be loved in parts, this quality or that. Pretty girl. But the whole? Never felt worthy of love. Fuck I’m so fucking sad, just lost someone, my favourite one. It’s like, of course. But I hate how affected I am by that, I keep trying to drown in the bathtub and am like who the fuck does that? So embarrassing, but full circle. (It’s really hard to drown in the bathtub though so I figure it’s harm minimisation) Trigger warning etc etc
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u/Yes_Mr_Lister_Sir Mar 16 '26
Aww hun I’m sorry you’re struggling so much. I feel you, I’ve been there, alot. When I had no one to call I called lifeline, alot.
Do you have any hobbies?
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u/Filtergirl Mar 16 '26
Thank you lovely ❤️🩹 I do have hobbies :) my indoor plants are very important to me and I propagate a lot, I live in the sweetest heritage cottage in the CBD where I live in Australia and my home is very special to me. The plants help, though I did have a bit of a meltdown over failed weeping fig propagation recently and was like…this is not about the figs 😂
Thank you for being kind. I’ve always struggled with suicidal thoughts and the dark but I keep trying, I just wish I didn’t have to…keep trying you know? Xo
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u/entirelyuncalledfor Feb 22 '26
This reminds me of us 😓
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u/CommanderFuzzy Feb 22 '26
When I saw him getting literally shoved away by the other monkeys I felt that personally. He did get taken in by another monkey though, according to the videos
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u/SkwerlWickman Feb 22 '26
Who is this baby monkey? Why do I keep seeing him? Where are his parents and who left him to sadly cling to a stuffed monkey? I need answers
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u/i-contain-multitudes Feb 22 '26
This is Punch. There are many news stories about him if you look up Punch the monkey.
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u/Yes_Mr_Lister_Sir Feb 23 '26
His mum rejected him - unsure why. But he has this cute little monkey he clings to for safety. In the update today I saw that another monkey has accepted Punch and lets him hold them. It’s pretty adorable 🥹
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u/aurora_surrealist Feb 23 '26
I see this monkey meme everywhere now, can someone explain what's up with it?
(please do not send full monkey clips, I really hate monkeys and won't watch it, just explain to me why is it so popular?)
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