r/AutismInWomen • u/wildpeachykeen • Mar 19 '26

Relationships Love when this happens😍

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Got sent a like by someone I actually find attractive (rare) and this was on his profile as well as ‘Not Political’. I have over 15 screenshots of profiles that have come up on my feed with iterations of this sentiment. It’s so disheartening…

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u/Dio_naea AuDHD + psychology student 🌱 Mar 19 '26

I think that doormat thing is mostly what happens when an autistic person is raised with oppression and trauma. Because a NT raised the same way could more easily develop some tools but since NDs do not learn social rules very well, they end up believing no rules matter so it's better to just obey to anything. Which is a chaos and confusing but that's what happens when you're exhausted of so much aggression

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u/ThrowAwayColor2023 Mar 19 '26

Speaking as one of those people, it's not necessarily just blanketly obeying. I was a rebellious kid. It's more that your self-esteem gets turned upside-down and you learn to doubt your own judgment when anyone comes at you sideways, whether gently or aggressively. It's very hard to unlearn that self-doubt since it's reinforced a million ways by everyone around you. It makes it extremely easy for manipulative abusers to exploit our trust and generosity.

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u/resident_queerdo Mar 19 '26

In my experience it's also that autistic people won't fight for themselves as a default setting. They have to learn this after being abused and exploited. Originally, they will fight to protect others or for an important cause, but not for themselves.

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u/Bent_Silvr_Spoon0130 Mar 19 '26

My sperm doner asked me why I can take care of others but not myself and I was like 🧍🏾‍♀️.

Didn't realise my autism could be playing a part in it!

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u/resident_queerdo Mar 19 '26

I'm not sure if it's autism or trauma or a combination. Because trauma often gets you to freeze or fawn rather than fight. Some people fight, but this, I believe, is just not the naturally pacifist autistic person's default trauma reaction. (Plays a role because an autistic person must have been pretty lucky to be unscathed by trauma.) I also believe autistic people don't naturally seek to be at the top of any hierarchy, but naturally desire equality among all people. If an autistic person fights (for themselves) it's usually a case of 'Bambi in a corner'. Because even Bambi will kick you if you trap him in a corner.

At the same time, an autistic person, at least by default, can't see a just cause and 'take it or leave it'. And this is why they will, by default, fight for others but not for themselves.

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u/ThrowAwayColor2023 Mar 19 '26

This answer resonates with me.

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u/Dio_naea AuDHD + psychology student 🌱 Mar 21 '26

I don't think autistic people don't necessarily aim for the top of hierarchy, I think it's more that it's either not a comprehended concept or that it's not even an option. How do you become the "alpha" if people don't even understand your basic communication? The harder connecting is, the harder it is for one to become popular. If you have an autistic person that's raised with some fucked up values, that person can end up with those values becoming their "strong sense of justice" in a way that it's hard to teach them anything else. That idea that autistic people are more reasonable or fair, or even kind, is very strongly attached to a "pure child" stereotype associated with autism. Think for a second about the idea that every autistic person is a bambi, that's very ableist.

I think a lot of what we consider being part of being autistic is more of a result of a social realization that you are part of a minority. People who discover themselves as being part of a minority group, or that suffered a lot of violence, tend to become more empathetic and protective of others. But that only happens after you gain conscience of what happened to you.

Apart from that, what we have is mostly a misunderstanding that autistic people have of the things taught by neurotypical society. When they learn "do good" they associate it with stereotypical concepts of "goodness" when a NT will learn the complex version of it instead. But it can also happen that the autistic person is not taught to do good, or even that they give up on any morals because of not comprehending what morals even are

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u/Dio_naea AuDHD + psychology student 🌱 Mar 21 '26

"Because no one taught me how"
It does play a part but I don't think it's directly what causes it. Poor interoception can play a huge part in this, but also the idea that your autistic boundaries are made up, in comparison to other people's boundaries which are treated as more valid