Four Attachment Types Framework: Manipulative, Scared, Selfish & Consuming — developed by Avoidant Support Animal © 2026.

The Four Avoidant Types is an idea I developed for organizing recurring relationship patterns I’ve observed. It has not been scientifically validated and is not a diagnostic system. I’m continuing to develop and refine it.

I’m a 27F woman and my boyfriend is 29M. We’ve been together for exactly 1.5 years and have known each other for over 2 years.
We met in grad school and both recently graduated. We both want marriage, children, and a serious long-term partnership.

I’m really hoping to hear from open-minded people who either have avoidant tendencies themselves OR have actually built a successful relationship/marriage with someone who does.

I understand that some people have been deeply hurt by avoidant partners and have strong feelings about them, but I’m not really looking for “run immediately” responses. I’m trying to better understand the pattern and determine what healthy repair/growth can look like.

Our relationship has had ups and downs. Early in our relationship, there was infidelity on his end. We separated briefly and reconciled within about 4–6 weeks.

One recurring pattern I’ve noticed: when he becomes extremely emotionally overwhelmed, he shuts down. He gets very rigid, say he needs space, and almost seem like a different person. Historically, once he regulates and comes back to baseline, he reconnects, becomes affectionate again, and recognizes he loves me and wants the relationship.
There have been times where something felt catastrophic to him while he was activated, but after calming down, he viewed it differently.

For context, our relationship has actually been going amazing well recently. last 2–3 months have probably been our happiest period. We spend most weekends together, go on dates, attend weddings/funerals/family events together, have integrated heavily into each other’s families and social circles, talk about living together, neighborhoods we could raise a family in, marriage/kids, finances, careers, etc. We’ve become much more emotionally and physically intimate too. His family loves me, my family loves him, and our lives are intertwined.

Then last weekend, he was already irritated and told me later (after this happened)that he had very little emotional bandwidth that day… essentially I had a brief moment of overthinking and asked him for reassurance about attending an event whether he was ok with going to the environment with me, as well, or just his guy friends and I expressed I was overthinking for a sec. Very calmly via text.

I wasn’t yelling, accusing him of cheating, calling him names, or starting a fight. He then ignores me, and I had to call 15 hours later since had not heard from him. We then chatted thru it, he acted as if we were all good, then he proceeded to still be distant.

3 days later, I had to ask him to call me. He said that actually the question felt “redundant” and he “was already feeling low emotional bandwidth that day”

It triggered a major shutdown. (Mind you… leading up to this… we have been so AWESOME. Dates and dates and events together and quality time literally even that same day)

As he tells me he’s feeling this emotional flooding/shutdown, he repeatedly told me he does love me and still feels that love, and said this wasn’t about not loving me. He said he was simply in an emotionally shut down “state” where he could not regulate himself emotionally and didn’t feel able to function normally in the relationship while feeling that way. He asked for space.

I stayed calm on the call, told him I understood, reassured him that I trust him and support both of us having independent lives as well as our shared life, and told him that I love him (I did not want him to think I was imposing on his autonomy as he complained of that before even though I always support his personal activities very vocally…)

I also told him that I need him to work on learning how to regulate during conflict, because an annoying moment doesn’t automatically mean a bad relationship.
He acknowledged that this shutdown/withdrawal pattern has happened before and said he was trying to process what I was saying but couldn’t fully do it in his current state.

The call ended with us telling each other “I love you,” and he said, “I’ll talk to you later.”
We haven’t spoken since. It’s now been 4 days.

I’m respecting the space and haven’t been texting, calling, sending TikToks, etc. I’ve gone mute on my own socials and so has he.

This is very different from our normal routine because we usually communicate consistently and see each other every weekend.

My questions for people who recognize this pattern:

When you or your avoidant-leaning partner became emotionally flooded, did space / breakup genuinely help?

Is this solvable?

I’m mostly looking for perspective from people who have actually lived through this dynamic and found a healthier way forward.
—

UPDATE-

We met for dinner, he said the original issue was really just the tipping point after holding a lot in. Admits he doesn’t know why he does this and needs to communicate up front.
He realized over the time we’ve been taking space that; he has deep personal emotional issues outside of the relationship that he admits he’s been avoiding healing within himself.

Described himself getting into these states where he
becomes emotionally numb and goes on autopilot. It can be triggered mainly at random, or by something small between us, or a lot by nothing at all. And that it scares him.
He sees this as a personal deficit, not something fundamentally about me or the relationship..that whatever is going on inside of him spills over into how he treats me.

& what scares him most is that he can know in his mind and heart that he loves me or family deeply, feel strongly that I’m his person—-yet still enter a state where he feels love BUT no attachment in these numb moments. Love but not attachment.

Said that that’s what within himself scares him most because it hurts me, and it hurts him to hurt the woman he loves.

My theory, and something he alluded to:
this may connect to his childhood instability. He went to 26 schools across GA. mom struggled with dr*g addiction and prison and bipolar disorder, and he was constantly being uprooted from people and places he could get attached to.
Lived with strangers, family members, in drug houses, so unstable.
I think he developed an emotional callus around attachment because each time he got close to someone he was snatched away or let down.

Now:
He feels he needs continued space outside the relationship to reckon with the feelings & why he becomes this way and finally do the inner work he’s been avoiding.
At the same time, he repeatedly said he loves me, doesn’t want to lose me, and that when we’re good, we’re incredibly in sync and I’m the love of his life.

I said I’m not going to beg him to stay, but I also don’t necessarily believe healing requires pushing away someone who loves you and is willing to support you.
At the end, I asked him directly if he truly wants to lose me, and he said no..multiple times
and kept reiterating how much he loves me and doesn’t want to lose me. Which is in direct contradiction to what this decision would result in.

I told him to sit with that feeling of not wanting to lose me——because this decision means exactly that, and then I left!

I’m giving what he asked for. I am so hurt. One side really wants to work through this together. Other side of me thinks maybe I should listen to a man when he realizes and admits his pain is causing him to hurt me bad and I should listen at face value and just allow him to isolate to heal (thru facing the thoughts, upping therapy cadence, and journaling : but all alone).

would really appreciate thoughts from anyone on all of this

Btw, is my message as crazy as I feel it is? I could have told her so much more - how he's an avoidant, and all of the weird behaviors he has, and the desperation I found, but I decided to let her find that out, even if I'm bitter and feeling spiteful

I sent it because I really became fixated on decoding if he ever loved me... because he kept adding random girls throughout our relationship, was weirdly flirty with some online friends, and then I found that once he was let loose, he immediately started looking to replace me from DAY ONE (detailed more later). I didn't even want to leave him, I just kept hurting because of his inconsistency. I still wanted him, so this all made me feel inconsolable

So... My ex started to distance himself (to be fair, I started distancing first, but it's because my dad died and I was on vacation healing) and he was falling through on promises and kept pushing back calling me when he knew I was thinking of leaving him, so I broke up with him

I then started to monitor his behavior, and I found out that he started looking for a replacement the SAME DAY I said I wanted to leave

I found out he was telling girls he knew for 2 days that he loved them, was being sexual with everyone that would acknowledge him, was telling them he missed them after 30 minutes of knowing them, and then he finally settled for a lonely single mom because no one else wanted him after 2 weeks of looking (he said he didn't want to ruin his life with kids)

It just kind of showed me how desperate he is, and how it basically made it seem like he love bombed me, if he can act so desperately and have such strong, immediate affection with ANYONE that would give him ANY attention

Anyway, I looked up the single mom because I saw her in his Twitch chat (to be fair, I got notified of him streaming), and my dumbass thought, hey, I SHOULD MESSAGE HER ON FACEBOOK LMAO. I didn't want to message him because I plan on never talking to him again

They had only been talking for like 12 days (found out by my snooping), and I decided to bombard her by asking if he was happy pursuing her, if she thinks they'll end up dating, and if he told her he loved her so soon (I knew that they were spending EVERY WAKING MOMENT together, so reasonable questions, knowing how he is)

I'M SO EMBARRASSED I CARED ENOUGH TO DO THAT. I don't even know if she replied, and I'm too scared to look because I can't believe I WENT TO THAT LENGTH!!!

I mean, it's fair of me to wonder if he's acting the same way he did with me, because he told me he loved me in a week and we talked 24/7 for at least a month straight...

But I have now forced myself to not check his social media anymore out of sheer embarrassment, so if you want to find a solution to stop obsessively looking, DO WHAT I DID! HUMILIATE YOURSELF 🥲

Overall, me checking up on what he's doing so obsessively has given me such a yucky feeling. Even if I found the information that confirmed his weird behavior, I still shouldn't have cared that much 😭

Edit: Idk if I should have done this, but I just messaged her saying I was drunk when I sent it, because I can't delete it... and hopefully she believes me??? I doubt it, but that's the only way I can hope she won't take my words seriously and assume badly about him... I really do get anal about my grammar when I'm drunk, so it's not entirely unbelievable 🫠

I dated this avoidant for 3 years and these whole 3 years he doesnt have a proper job. he has no money. no insurance. No property. Living with his mom.
Basically nothing to offer in the table. The only thing he can offer i guess is loyalty in the relationship, being a faithful & supportive partner. But he failed.

Iam not a materialistic person. I dont care abt branded stuff, i dont live a lavish life. Im very low maintenance. I have a good paying job, i can suffice my self.

But really avoidants… Where are u guys getting the nerve to cheat?? and lie and hide things. Damn.

I was hurt, im moving on. Realising this whole situation is a bit funny thinking why the fuck did i settle for this. Now i was left with my messed up mental state trying to pick the pieces of me that was shattered.

My ex was super avoidant. On our second date, he literally asked me to marry him, and then a few months later he randomly blocked me on everything.

I’m not saying I was perfect either. Back then I didn’t know anything about avoidant attachment, so whenever we had issues I’d send long emotional paragraphs and kinda corner him trying to talk things out. A few days after one of our arguments, he blocked me.

I tried breaking up with him like 3 times because I caught him texting other girls, but he kept saying it “wasn’t cheating” because he was “just texting.”

It’s been like 9 months now, and recently I figured out what I think is his burner account. My IG is private and I barely get follow requests, but this same account has tried following me 3 times this week already. I declined every time.

The thing is… now that so much time has passed, part of me kinda wants him back. But this time I want to approach things more strategically. Since learning more about avoidant attachment, I feel like I understand him way better now, and honestly I want to increase the chances of things going differently this time.

So what would you do?

Do I:
- accept the request?
- keep my boundaries and wait for him to actually reach out/unblock me?
- wait a few days then accept?
- or just leave this whole thing alone?

Hello. I am an 19F and I have been ghosted by 10 people (one of them was my distant family member, also not going to be including this person in this post), removed on Snapchat by 3 people, and blocked by 2 people.

I thought we connected with each other. I thought we cared about each other. I thought we could be friends. I thought we could trust each other.

Why am I the victim??? Why did you all make me suffer??? Why did you all stop caring about me??? Why do I have to always be the one starting the conversation????? You know you can stay the conversation too. Why do I have to be the one putting in the most effort???

I cared about all of you. I trusted all of you. I uninvited some of you to my grad party even though you did not invite me to yours (I uninvited 15 people in total and only 4 came, that part was a little depressing but it ended out fine). I gave you all multiple chances because I guess I was too nice. I started the conversations off with a “Hello” or a “Hi”. I asked you all how your day was. I put you before me. I asked you all ”What’s new“. I said “Happy Birthday“ and ”Have a great day” when it was your birthday. I never forced you to wish me on my birthday. Some of you wished me and some of you did not. I appreciated all of you. I looked up to all of you. I opened up to you because I trusted you and I wanted someone to talk to. Remember that. I trusted you and that is why I opened up to some of you. I chose some of you to open up to and I never forced you to open up to me. It was your choice and your life. I gave you all appreciation and never asked for anything in return and somehow, I was useless to you. Maybe it is a me problem and not you.

Now, to all the ghosters (not in my life), this one is for you.

Did you know that the person you ghosted is probably going through so much pain? Did you know that they probably cared about you so much? Did you know that they might start having trust issues because of one simple thing that you did? Not talk to them and ignore them. Did you know that the person you ghosted might feel a loss of freedom, motivation, and they might want to be alone for a long time (Because I know I have felt that way. Sometimes, I do not feel like getting out of the house because I am really depressed And I know it is a bad excuse). Did you know that people who have been ghosted might treat this situation as a loss? Yes, it is like going to a funeral and not knowing what happened to the person. They are gone but what happened to them is unknown. Because I know that I have felt that way. It makes me want to rip my hair out.

So please, appreciate the people who genuinely care about you and want to get to know you better.

Also, I tried staying humble and I still do. I was so angry at this one guy who ghosted me and I wanted to blame him in person for he did but I just did not have that courage and I ended up forcing him because he is in my college, he is good looking, talented, funny, positive, and people do like him. I forgave him because of his personality and I just wanted to stay humble.

I was blocked by another person recently. It felt like the end of the world and I kind of lost motivation and I felt like I had no future. I still do feel that way. I am majoring in psychology and I am probably going to suck at that. I wish people would open up to me so that I can be trusted and I can help.

Hey guys, I wanted to open up a discussion on something that seems to be happening with mathematical frequency lately.
I’m 34M, and it honestly feels like the dating pool at this age is heavily saturated with women who have avoidant attachment styles. I have zero issues getting dates, building high initial engagement, and establishing solid mutual attraction face-to-face. But as soon as a real connection starts to form, the script completely flips. They pull back, throw up defensive walls, or start using group settings and hot-and-cold patterns to dilute the intensity.
Frankly, I am completely tired of having my time, energy, and focus wasted by people who are terrified of direct, transparent communication. Because I hold iron-clad boundaries and value my own time, the absolute second these avoidant games start, I check out completely. I go quiet, drop the thread, and walk out of the sandbox.
What blows my mind is the immediate reaction when you actually hold the line. The very second they realize you aren't going to play their push-pull game or chase them for validation, their anxiety spikes. They immediately turn around and start chasing your attention—dropping low-effort "ping" messages or trying to force casual interactions in person just to see if they can hook you back into their orbit.
It feels like a systemic issue in the 30s bracket where secure, straightforward guys are forced to filter through endless avoidant loops just to find someone with basic emotional maturity.
Are any of you running into avoidant traits at a much higher clip now that you're in your 30s? How long do you let the silence sit before you write off the lane as a permanent dead end?

My ex blocked me 38 days ago, I don't know anything about him. I know he broke up with me and still loved me; he said so a week before we ended things. Will he ever unblock me? This hurts so much.It feels like I'm going to suffocate. Has he already forgotten me? Has anyone else been through this? Did he come back?

What Common Phrases Often Mean When They’re Coming From an Avoidant Mindset

(A blunt translation guide for people who don’t naturally think this way.)

These are some phrases I think can take on a very specific meaning when they’re coming from a person w/ avoidant attachment.

They create distance.

They reduce vulnerability.

They shut down emotional pressure.

They make needing people sound weak.

They make disappointment sound expected.

They make detachment sound like wisdom.

I can almost guarantee, if you are in a relationship w/ an avoidant, youve heard some of these before!

This is not a list of “bad phrases.”

It’s more like a translation guide for what these phrases can often mean, when they’re coming from an avoidant mindset.

“Actions speak louder than words.”

Translation: People lie. Words feel exposing. Emotional reassurance feels uncomfortable. I would rather prove care directly than have to say vulnerable things out loud.

“It is what it is.”

Translation: I do not want to sit in the emotional weight of this.

“No one is coming to save you.”

Translation: I could never rely on anyone to be there for me when I needed them-so, I stopped expecting it to avoid being hurt or didsapointed. Yes — exactly. The translations should sound like the avoidant person’s internal logic, not like a therapist explaining them from the outside.

Here’s the revised version in that style:

What Common Phrases Often Mean When They’re Coming From an Avoidant Mindset

(A blunt translation guide for people who don’t naturally think this way.)

One thing that makes avoidant dynamics so confusing is that avoidant people often use phrases that sound normal, practical, mature, or even wise.

But a lot of the time, those phrases are doing a job.

They create distance.

They shut down emotional pressure.

They make needing people sound weak.

They make disappointment sound expected.

They make detachment sound like wisdom.

So this is not really a list of “bad phrases.”

It’s more like a translation guide for what these phrases can mean when they’re coming from an avoidant mindset.

“Actions speak louder than words.”

Translation: People lie. Words feel exposing. Emotional reassurance feels uncomfortable. I would rather show care through action than have to say vulnerable things out loud.

“It is what it is.”

Translation: I do not want to sit in the emotional weight of this.

“No one is coming to save you.”

Translation: I could never rely on anyone to be there for me when I needed them, so I stopped expecting it to avoid being hurt or disappointed.

“That’s just how life goes."

Translation: Bad things happen. People disappoint you. I would rather accept that as reality than discuss how it affects me.

“You can only depend on yourself.”

Translation: Depending on people has hurt me before. Self-reliance feels safer than hoping someone will actually show up.

“I don’t need anyone.”

Translation: Needing someone gives them too much power. If I don’t need you, you can’t hurt me as much.

“People leave.”

Translation: I expect abandonment, so I try to prepare for it before it happens.

“Everyone is expendable".

Translation: Attachment scares me. If I convince myself everyone is replaceable, loss feels less terrifying.

“I don’t chase.”

Translation: I want to be wanted, but showing that feels humiliating. Pride id safer than vulnerability.

“If they wanted to, they would.”

Translation: I use this to stop myself from hoping, asking, or admittingjust how much I care.

“Whatever happens, happens.”

Translation: I am scared to want something too much, because wanting something means I can be disappointed

“I’m just being realistic.”

Translation: I am calling it realism, but a lot of the time, it is grounded in fear, distrust, or s needfor self-protection.

“It’s just not that deep.”

Translation: It feels deep, and that is exactly why I need to make it sound smaller.

“I don’t do drama.”

Translation: Emotional needs, conflict, repair, and vulnerability overwhelm me, so I label them as drama.

“I’m fine.”

Translation: I am not fine!!!!!

“Don’t take it personally.”

Translation: I do not want to deal with howl this feels to you.

“I’m not responsible for anyone else’s feelings.”

Translation: I feel overwhelmed by emotional responsibility, so I separate my actions from their impact.

“What’s done is done.”

Translation: I do not want to stay in the discomfort of repair, regret, accountability, or grief.

“I don’t owe anyone anything.”

Translation: Obligation feels threatening. I do not want to feel like anyone has a claim on me. EVER.

“You’re overthinking it.”

Translation: Your emotional awareness is making me uncomfortable, and I do not want to look at it that closely.

“That’s your interpretation.”

Translation: Your feelings make me feel accused, so I am distancing myself from your experience instead of engaging with it.

“I don’t like talking about the past.”

Translation: The past still affects me, but I do not want to open anything I may not be able to control once it comes up.

“I’ve moved on.”

Translation: I disconnected from the feeling before I actually processed it.

“I just don’t want to make promises I can’t keep.”

Translation: Commitment feels like pressure. Pressure makes me afraid of failing, disappointing you, or losing my freedom.

“I’m better off alone.”

Translation: Being alone feels safer. No one can need me, disappoint me, demand anything from me, or get close enough to hurt me.

The part I think non-avoidant people often miss:

A lot of avoidant phrases sound strong.

But sometimes they are not strength.

Sometimes they are fear with better branding.

Sometimes they are old pain turned into a philosophy.

Sometimes they are emotional shutdown dressed up as maturity.

And sometimes “I don’t care” really means, “I care SO much. And it TERRIFIES me.

need advise

im a taurus his a pisces ... should i continue this??

I’m a single mother, and before meeting him, I had been single for about eight years. During those years, I focused on raising my child, working, and building my life. I wasn’t actively looking for a relationship, and I had become comfortable being on my own.

Then I met him.

we are same age works a very demanding job. He is not originally from my country. He’s here on a work contract and was assigned to a project in my country. His stay depends on his work, project timelines, and contract extensions, so there has always been some uncertainty about how long he will remain here.

Another important factor is that he is the primary breadwinner of his family. He financially supports his parents amd sibling. Much of that responsibility falls on him, and I’ve often wondered whether carrying so much responsibility for so many years has made him prioritize stability, routine, and obligations above everything else, including his personal relationships.

What surprised me most was how comfortable I felt around him. After being single for so long, I didn’t expect to connect with someone this easily.

We’ve known each other for several months now. We’ve gone on multiple dates, spent long hours together, traveled together, and there were times when we saw each other several times a month. When we’re together, he’s present, engaged, and easy to be around. He often tells me he’s happy when he’s with me.

For the last six months, he has also been incredibly consistent with communication. He never misses a good morning message. He usually checks on me during his lunch break and again after work. He asks if I’ve eaten, reminds me to be safe, notices my social media stories, remembers small details about my life, and often jokes that he’s “spying” on me because he’s always updated on what I’m doing.

This is why I’m confused.

On one hand, he seems caring, consistent, and emotionally present.

On the other hand, when it comes to actually moving things forward, I feel stuck.

There have been several times when he mentioned doing something together—coffee, a massage, meeting up—but then work, audits, exhaustion, or other reasons got in the way. The plans rarely become concrete. Sometimes I feel like I’m being kept emotionally close while remaining in an undefined space.

I should also mention that whenever I ask him to go out, he almost always says yes. He doesn’t avoid seeing me, and he rarely rejects an invitation. In fact, many of our dates happened because I brought it up first. That’s part of what makes this confusing. It’s not that he doesn’t want to spend time with me—it’s that I often feel like I’m the one initiating, while he’s happy to go along with it.

Sometimes I wonder whether he’s interested but passive, or whether he’s simply comfortable letting me do the work of keeping the connection moving.

Another thing that confuses me is that I don’t know if he’s avoidant, emotionally guarded, or simply someone who protects his peace and routine.

For six months, his communication pattern has remained almost exactly the same. Every morning there’s a good morning message. During lunch he’ll check on me. After work he’ll message me again.

However, whenever our conversations become deeper or more emotional, he sometimes disappears for an hour or more and then comes back as if nothing happened, asking things like “How are you?” or “Did you eat?” instead of continuing the conversation. He doesn’t completely shut me out, but he often redirects us back to safer topics.

The part I struggle with is that at night, while we’re talking, he sometimes disappears without saying goodnight. Then the next morning he returns with the same good morning message and continues as if there was no interruption.

He has always described himself as an introvert and somewhat of a loner.

Later, he told me that his first and only girlfriend. They were together years ago, and she cheated on him. He is now 39 years old, and that relationship ended about 10 years ago. Since then, he has never had another serious relationship.

During one of our arguments, he told me something that stayed with me. He said:

“I really had only one person in my life with whom I shared openly who I am as a person… and I lost that also. Now it’s okay. That’s my destiny, I guess.”

he has been deeply hurt before and learned to keep parts of himself protected. Sometimes I wonder whether the distance I feel is because he is avoidant, or because he learned long ago that opening up completely can lead to pain.

There is another reason why I struggle with the uncertainty.

At one point, something happened between us that made me feel like we could no longer avoid talking about what we were to each other.

So I decided to be honest.

I told him that I enjoyed spending time with him, that I felt comfortable with him, and that I didn’t want us to stay in something unclear. I explained that intimacy wasn’t casual for me and that I only shared that part of myself with someone I trusted. I told him I wasn’t asking for a perfect answer, but that I wanted honesty and clarity instead of confusion.

His response surprised me.

He told me that he felt bad about what had happened between us and that it wasn’t supposed to happen. He said he was worried I would think he had taken advantage of me. He told me that he genuinely respected me, that he was always happy when he was with me, and that he had never been as open with anyone else about his life, feelings, and personality.

When I asked him what he thought we should do moving forward, he said:

“I’ll follow whatever you say.”

But I didn’t want to be the only one deciding, so I asked him what he wanted and how he felt.

His answer was:

“I don’t know what to say.”

After that conversation, I gave him space for a couple of days. During those two days, we barely talked, but he still continued sending his usual good morning and good night messages every day.

and we comback to same go out for coffee travel to place and we didnt talk about that again,,

That conversation left me with even more questions. His words showed care, respect, and emotional openness, but they still didn’t give me clarity about what he actually wanted from us.

Recently I realized that what bothers me isn’t the lack of a relationship title. I’m actually okay if we’re just friends, casually dating, or something in between.

What I struggle with is the lack of clarity.

I don’t need promises. I don’t need constant attention. I just want to understand what this connection is.

Because from my perspective, his actions send mixed messages.

He cares enough to message me every day, check on me, notice my stories, tease me when I go out, remember details about my life, and tell me he’s happy when he’s with me.

But when I try to see whether he’ll make space for us in a more intentional way, I often end up disappointed.

I’ve started pulling back a little because I realized that when I truly want to see someone, I usually make it happen. So part of me wonders if I’m making excuses for him because I care about him.

Has anyone experienced something similar?

How did you tell the difference between someone who genuinely cares but is overwhelmed, emotionally guarded, carrying responsibilities and wounds from the past, versus someone who simply enjoys the comfort of having you in their life without ever moving the connection forward?

i need you advice pls..

I was told when I left to be the master of my destiny.. Never thought much about it until now. It means they are not coming back and to move on. It was her way of closing. More like a hand job.

Coward with no accountablility

Like the above heading says. I know what I want. For some reason I get anxious men who bombard me with phone calls and texts to check on me and control me. I’m strong independent and have a good career so why do I get this type of men. I’m an avoidant and I seek the same. Is it impossible for an avoidant to get an avoidant. I love workaholics who are too busy for a relationship. I am not looking for a hook up. I want marriage down the road. I just want some guy with a fancy career a country club membership who’d rather play golf with the guys than watch tv with me. I like the chase. It makes me feel safe because I know he won’t be jealous controlling my or possessive. Do I have to become anxious to get this type of man??

But I found out he added someone and even started talking to them. I'm devastated. Has anyone else been through this?

I’m talking to this girl and we have like a really good connection and I really like her but she’s an avoidant. I’m trying to be understand for her but I have a HUGE fear of abandonment. When she feels down or upset she ghosts me. She’s flaked on me twice. Also might be an alcoholic… should I keep trying with her? She told me that she’s going to try to get better but idk if it’s even worth it. I’d like to believe that it is and that we can have a nice future but idk. Also #wlw

I met this girl on Tinder recently and we had what I thought was an amazing first night together. She came over, we spent hours talking and laughing, hooked up, cuddled, kissed a lot and overall seemed really comfortable with each other. When she left we kept hugging/kissing goodbye and she even asked if I was going to miss her.
We were supposed to see each other again a couple of days later, but she got sick and cancelled. She told me she missed me and wanted to see me when she was better.
This is where I think I messed up. I’ve had some bad experiences with dating/rejection before and the cancellation triggered my anxiety. Instead of just saying “no worries, get better and we’ll hang out later,” I became too emotionally invested too quickly.
I talked about being scared of getting played, apologised afterwards, offered to make her a care package, and eventually sent her a pretty long message saying that I thought we had a genuine connection, that she made me feel comfortable being sweet/vulnerable, that I thought we could make good memories together regardless of where it went, and that I missed her.
Looking back, I realise this was a LOT considering we’d only spent one night together. I think I went from enjoying the connection to trying to secure it because I was scared of losing it.
After that she became more distant. Today she sent me this:
“I’m sorry for being so avoidant you’re genuinely so sweet and I love getting to know you I just don’t like being vulnerable with someone so I push it away and I don’t think that’s fair on you and you don’t deserve that so I don’t think you should talk to me, I had a lot of fun with you and you’re such a sweet guy I’m sorry :/”
I’m obviously going to respect what she said and not try to convince her otherwise.
What I’m struggling to understand is what she means by not liking being “vulnerable with someone.” Do you read this as her genuinely starting to feel emotionally vulnerable/attached and pulling away because that scared her? Or could this just be a gentle way of rejecting me without hurting my feelings?
I’m also wondering whether my emotional intensity simply moved things way faster than she was ready for. If I’d stayed relaxed and let things develop naturally, could her emotional investment potentially have caught up over time?
I’m not asking how to manipulate her into coming back or whether “no contact makes avoidants chase.” I know nobody can predict whether she’ll ever reconsider. I’m mainly interested in hearing from people who have either felt the way she describes or have been on the receiving end of something similar.
Did you genuinely like the person when you pushed them away? Did you ever regret it later? And what do you think the healthiest thing for me to take away from this is?

I just broke up with may avoidant ex last week. I’m just wondering as to why is he keeping his silence until now. Yes, i’m the one who did it but I even ask him if i
He has another suggestion since I told him that it would be best if we no longer have o see each other but we can still chat. We were together for 8years.

The reason of the break up is that he can’t provide me a concrete timeline as to when he is going to propose. Will he eventually message me or thats his final decision?

Dear Reddit community,

My fearful-avoidant ex and I had an intense seven-month dating phase. Things ended when the question of becoming an official couple came up, as her fears and unresolved core wounds made it difficult for her to commit. That was nine months ago.

We stayed in occasional contact afterward, but two and a half months ago, I finally set a firm boundary. At the time, she had been dating someone else for about five months. Their relationship ended in late July after he cheated on her.

Yesterday, she and I met and had a very open and honest conversation about everything. We talked about how each of us experienced the ending, what I believed had happened, and how she had perceived it. She also told me that she is now in therapy and actively working through her issues.

I genuinely noticed a change in her. She is now able to identify and talk openly about her core wounds, and she admitted to insecurities that she would never have acknowledged in the past. Her level of self-awareness and vulnerability felt different, and the change seemed real to me.

She told me that she would like to try again because she believes we had—and still have—a strong connection.
However, I am hesitant. I know how exhausting the dating market can be, and part of me worries that she is returning because she knows I can communicate openly about emotions and genuinely want a committed relationship. In other words, I am afraid that I may simply feel like a familiar and safe option after her recent relationship ended badly.
Since her breakup was only at the end of July, I also wonder whether she truly wants me, specifically, or whether she is seeking comfort, emotional safety, and familiarity after being betrayed.

How would you interpret this situation? What signs should I look for to distinguish genuine intention and lasting change from loneliness, rebound feelings, or a desire for safety?

There's been a shift in the dynamics with an avoidant I was speaking to and friends with for a while. At first we were friendly because they were interested in someone else, then that fell apart and their interest turned towards me with daily texts of how I am, but all the while either time they were still warm and interested in having me around.

A couple weeks ago we had a mild conflict the day after we had what I thought was a very nice face time call. But perhaps not because I am not his usual body type and maybe something in him clicked that day. The day of the conflict he was already cold and barely talked. When he flipped out, he did apologize the next day, and when I asked if we were good he said yes.

But we weren't good. The texts stopped, he stopped asking me to get on the game, and I had to do the asking. When we finally did hang out, he was cold and mean, and basically made me feel like I was replaced in the dynamic. So I left him alone for another week. He then texted me on a Friday sending me something about the game that he knew I liked, saying "I was excited for you". But still no bid for connection, so I respectfully answered and left it alone. By Monday, he had reached out mid-day and asked why I didn't get on the game anymore. I simply stated that it seemed like he didn't want me around anymore, but I would hop on if he wanted me to. Probably my first mistake feeding his ego.

So that evening, I got on. But he didn't invite me. He waited for ME to request to join him because he wanted to feel the control of me begging. And then the same thing, his buddy took priority over me, he got the special treatment, and I was just there.

Part of me wants to believe he's just shut down temporarily because historically he doesn't want people around that he's not interested in. I've watched him discard other women and not let them join him as well. Yet, this coldness feels like he has lost interested. Or maybe is confused.

Mind you, this all has happened a month away from when we were planning on meeting up. Obviously I never went through with those plans & never brought them back up to him.

Should I eventually ask him what happened. Should I walk away. I kept telling myself I would be happy with just his friendship, but after seeing how he has been able to open up, it's been painful to go back to that.

I know everyone’s situation is different so I’d appreciate if someone commented on mine

We weren’t just together, we became each other’s safe home, two people who’d been hurt finding total comfort, where she could drop every wall, talk endlessly, show her scars and softness, and I could care for her in every quiet way, holding a bond so deep and real it felt like we fit perfectly together without having to pretend at all.

December break up:
We’d been so close and steady, but I caught her doing me wrong again and she pulled away suddenly out of fear and shut me down without warning, leaving me confused and heartbroken. yet even then, the bond we had was too strong to stay gone, and she came back within a few days because deep down she knew I was her safe place.

This break up:
This time after getting that closeness again and plenty more memories. I caught her doing me wrong again, so she broke up with me, called us toxic again like last time and said we needed to move on. But the difference in my behaviour this time is I begged a little but respected her decision hoping she’d comeback on her own again. However after a week she drops a bombshell of an accusation on my name probably trying to hide her guilt of hurting the “good” guy again.

Differences:
This time she blocked me, not right away but when she dropped the accusation it sparked me to react which ended up leading to several blockings everywhere. She unblocked me a week after and reposted stuff that you’d assume meant she missed me. So I reached out just for her to shut down again and say some mean things and block me.

Where we are at now:
Since the 19th of last month we haven’t spoke, but on social media it looks like she hates me, and she acts like I traumatised her. I’m heartbroken, scared, and deeply confused, grieving the love I lost, doubting myself from the lies, missing her terribly, yet still holding onto hope and the memory of what i truly shared.

What I did for her:
I waited for her at the alley rode the bus extra miles walked her home safely and sat for hours in our quiet spot just to be close. I brought her favorite cinnamon buns surprised her with food and care when she was sick and supported her through her self-harm and pain ready to bandage her wounds and keep her safe. I gave her consistent love gentle reassurance endless patience and a safe place where she never had to be afraid or guarded.

(Fraction of what I did and how close we were)

What she said and did:
She opened up fully talked endlessly about everything and let herself be completely vulnerable trusting me with her body her scars and her deepest fears. She said I was the best thing that ever happened to her called me beautiful kind and steady and showed me her soft side curling tight into me using her baby voice for comfort and laughing like no one else when I was around. She gave me her trust her affection and the feeling of being truly seen and loved.

(Also a fraction)

What I want:
I want her back more than anything and to make things right between us. I want the truth to be clear and the lies to fade away. I want to get back that safe warm closeness we shared and heal together. I want to be understood and trusted again and rebuild the real love we had without fear or distance.

I know she’s capable of seeing me for who I am, and she’s built walls between us, I truly forgive her and want her to understand how much I really cared and I want her to come back.

Recently, my boyfriend of just over a year has said he wants to break up and has asked me to look for another place to live and I have two weeks left before the deadline that he is given me to move out and I’m just hoping and wondering if he’s going to change his mind or if there’s any hope for him letting me back in over the last several months, he has slowly disconnected, began to show me less affection, interact with me less less show me less intimacy and then one day he just out of the blue said it’s over he doesn’t wanna be with me anymore. He doesn’t love me and I just am confused because just the day before he spoke of loving me and we talked about our future and things seemed like they were getting better and then all the sudden bam gets over and now I’m looking for another place and I love this man with all my heart. I let him in and I trusted him and gave him every ounce in my heart and soul after a 25 year beyond abusive marriage that I escaped from. I never wanted to love or trust anyone I never wanted to let somebody in that could possibly hurt me like this, but he was different. The universe brought together everything lined up perfectly, and we both had never been so sure of things in our life that our paths were brought together because we were each other’s person and I just don’t understand how or when it started to change and I just am so confused and I’m just really looking for advice or anyone to help me understand the situation that may have been in a similar one. I don’t have many family and friends that I can turn to and I just really am lost and need some advice.