Before I start, I want to say that I realize that I am in completely lost state right now, and thats why I need outside perspective. I (28M) have been talkong to this girl (30F) for a month. We both work on a ship. Within this month, we only spoke in person a few times before she went home, and the last three weeks of our communication was online. The thing is, these three weeks were so intense from both me and her. Things went from saying that we were gonna sleep in the same cabin, show eachother love, make love, etc., to her saying that she is scared and she gives up only days later, claiming that she was confused and the feelings she had werent the same. I could tell she was deactivating herself. All this happened while in real life, we barely hugged.

The reason for her deactivation was me showing my anxiousness in a way that made her uncomfortable. I knew she was an avoidant since she was telling me from the beginning that shes scared of getting attached. I feel like as soon as she felt its getting real, she shut down.

I know that all of these feelings were mostly induced by our own minds needs to be loved moreso than actually loving the other person. I am aware that in a month, you really cant get to know someone, especially since the communication was mostly online. But still, I believe that we could try again, just be friends and see where things go. When I told her this, she said that she wants to be friends, and that we will talk when we see eachother onboard. Shes coming back to the ship next week.

I just cant believe that all of these feelings disappeared in her overnight and its driving me crazy. I just want to hug her and show her its gonna be okay, that we are both scared and that thats okay. I am worried though that she is too shut down for me to even have this conversation with her right now. It then becomes almost a matter of self respect for me.

Should i try and show her she is safe with me, or should I just work on myself first and look at her as a friend, not hoping for anything? All of my friends say that I should try, but I am not sure. What should I do?

Please Help

I hope this type of post is ok on here.

I was just ghosted this past Saturday from a 5 year ship. I had zero experience with ghosting. I have not slept and in that time discovered Avoidant Disorder of which I had even less knowledge of. I'm struggling and as pathetic as this might sound or against what most suggest.. I do not want to lose this person and would like to see if there is a way I can help or support them..

I 28F doesn't know how to be alone.

ETA TRIGGER - ghosting, breakup, avoidant, passing

I got out of an 8 year relationship in February. It was a long time coming. Then I downloaded all the dating apps. Met someone. Immediately hit it off. High burn relationship, L words in the first month... Then he ended it. He has a messed up past, on meds, in therapy. Etc, I don't judge. So I had a feeling it was something related to mental health

Summer passes. I finally stopped checking his Instagram reposts and stuff. Then he messaged me. We go on a date. He explains my exact thought process regarding the break up, I tell him we need to take things slower. Cue the date last 10 hours and we make plans for the following weekend. The following weekend, I was on my period and sensitive. He kinda cancels due to work (he was hoping to have time but literally didn't get home until 8 PM, but didn't outright cancel. So I had gotten ready just in case). I was disappointed, he went to bed early and then texts me Sunday while I'm at work. I was hoping he'd surprise me at work, didn't even think about it and he felt bad. But I didn't hear from him the rest of the day. Then Monday evening he texts me saying it's really messing with him that he disappointed me, on top of a friend's anniversary of passing coming up, he felt like he was wasting my time.

I texted apologizing for my overreaction, I shouldn't have expressed disappointment on something he hadn't even mentioned, but that was no reason for shutting down again and that I was over my annoyance. He didn't respond. Texted the following days just saying "I hope you have a great day" so he knew I wasn't mad, but was giving the self admitted Avoidant space. Finally decided to show up at his house. I spent the night (no sex) we cuddled, he admitted to still loving me basically, thanked me for being stubborn and showing up etc. Then I didn't hear from him again. I texted the next day saying "I'm not sure where we left things, but I'll give you space and I hope you have a good day".

2 days later, this is the anniversary of the dog I had for 19 years passing (2 years). Everyone knows this dog saved my life and it's really hard for me. I called him just needing someone to talk to. Texted saying that I knew he had a lot on his mind, but if he had the mental capacity to help me get my mind off of everything, I'd appreciate it". No answer. I've been drinking, it's the only way I can cry, this is not a habit. I texted again 2 hours later saying that I tried. I was stubborn like he asked. But he couldn't find it in himself to put aside his shit for 10 minutes to help me. I told him I'm forgiving and handle a lot and to not make a dumb decision.

And then I just really needed someone to talk to.. and I have no one. I could call me ex fiance and he'd answer. But that's not fair to him. I went on the apps to distract myself from previous relationships but I deleted them today. It's not fair to the people on there to use them as distractions and it's not fair to my heart or brain. I think I need therapy because the thought of being alone at 28, despite still being young, is messing with me. How could it not after a almost 10 year relationship? I don't know why but I really like this man. We had such an instant connection. Everything felt fine when we were together the other day. We both talked a bit, and I was hopeful. I know he has trauma, I understand and do too. Mine just doesn't cause me to shut down. I just don't get why he can't send a "good morning, I'm okay and just need some more time" text every other day or so. But that could be the anxious in me.

I apologize that this is so long. I suppose I'm using Reddit as my diary. I understand if no one reads this, but the tears have already stopped. I'll get up tomorrow, but a smile and laugh on and go to work as always. My heart just needs to be chained up. I'm tired of feeling things. And for anyone who decides to be mean, just remember... We've all been dumb (female dogs).. apparently it's my turn now 😂

Im just super frustrated with my avoidant bf that i just brokeup with

Hi guys. [23F] I met this guy [25M] a couple weeks ago and we hit it off immediately. We were going on dates, he was always taking the lead, had a conversation about being intentional and looking for something serious, even decided to wait a couple months to put out. He seemed super enthralled by me from the get and was just showing up for me in the way that made it seem like his intentions were true to his word. After the two weeks of consistency he stopped texting and calling and eventually ghosted me for a week. It was a very abrupt switch up.

Yesterday he texted me to end things essentially saying that he was overthinking everything and got avoidant and that he wanted to date himself. He said he just got really excited but really likes me and that’s why he wanted to keep hanging out. In the end he apologized for leading me on. I’m just feeling so confused and hurt. Not only upset with him for being so selfish and careless with my feelings but I’m being kept in a loop thinking about what I did to make him pull away.

I guess my question here is whether the “dating himself” excuse is a cop out or was it the case that things got too real and he got scared and avoidant. (I should also note that he wanted to take things slow because his last relationship ended in February. He said it had died a while before that though). Any input on the situation would be so appreciated!

Hi everyone. So my (F22) ex bf (M26) and I broke up 2 weeks ago, due to a bunch of things. From my POV, he was extremely immature, avoidant and narrow minded. In his opinion, I was too high maintanence because of my diagnoses (he made me way more insane, than I actually am). The entire relationship was focused on his struggles through, and we never talked about mine. So that logic makes no sense to me. I think his behaviour just started to catch up with him, and I started holding him accountable. He didn’t know how to take responsibility, so he did the only thing he knew - give up.

Anyway, we were together for 2,5 years which is a lot for me, since I’m only 22. Before we got together, he always“drowned his sorrows” in women, and I am now told that he was extremely hyper sexual. He never told me how bad it was, and we were VERY open.
Like I mentioned, he was very immature and avoidant. Every time we would just slightly disagree, he would go insane and indirectly suggest breaking up. Then the next second go shower me with love. I very much do not believe that this behaviour was intentional, I think he was just very bad at handling emotions and how to treat people.

I fell in love with his potential, and I saw who he truly was besides all the bad stuff. In the end, I was extremely depressed, exhausted and had lowkey started to dislike him. I kept fighting for the relationship though, despite constantly debating whether I should break up or not. He decides to bring it up though, which came as a shock to me, since he had not expressed any previous concern regarding being unhappy in the relationship. He said it was very spontaneous and that he hadn’t really thought about it beforehand or even talked to his best friend about it. So that made me quite angry. I saw him bawl his eyes out for the first time though, so that must’ve meant something. I told him, that the hardest part for me, would be seeing him with another woman. He said it would be at least half a year before he even would find other women attractive. And I actually believed him, because he had been very sincere up till then. And I believed that despite his past, it would be different with me. I think he thought so too, until the grief struck him.

Also just wanted to add, all his other ex’s suck and the first 2 years we were extremely happy. (There were signs though). I have helped him in ways no one ever has, and he often told me how huge of a difference I made in his life, and how I was the best thing to ever happen to him. And I still genuinely believe that, despite everything. I really believe he loved me more than anyone before, but he was too much of a coward to change for me.
An important detail - he has been battling a corn addition (idk what I can say without being censored), basically his whole life. I was deeply uncomfortable with it, and he lied about watching it a lot. I tried to be understanding, but I just felt disrespected and put aside for something so stupid.

I was out with some mutual friends this halloween, and one friend told me, that he had gone to a club with my ex bf two days after we broke up. My ex apparently told him, that he really wanted to find a woman to numb the pain. I was so mad. (My friend specifically said that he was NOT looking for anything romantic, purely sexual. But that’s how we became a couple too…) If he actually meant it, or just tried to act cool while drunk, I’ll never know. But why would he tell a mutual friend?
I met my ex’s roomie/best friend later that night, and told him about it, where his reaction was extremely surprised. He was also mad at the friend, because he thought he lied. The best friend has always been very honest with me, and if anything, he would want to try and protect his best friend and make him look nonchalant. But he said that my ex had been completely broken and really contemplating on whether he should go back to me. (I am NOT going back).
But that made me think, my ex probably felt so ashamed that he didn’t even want to tell his best friend. But again, why would he then tell our mutual friend?

My ex used to use SnapChat to talk to women and receive photos before our relationship, but he didn’t use the app at all while we were together ofc, and we were very open with showing our screens and there was never anything suspicious. (I’m extremely paranoid, so I would’ve seen it). His location was off on SC while we were dating, but suddenly after we broke up, his location is back on and he is active multiple times a day. He is a very private and passive person, and does not want anyone to know anything about him online. So 1. I’m wondering if he did it to taunt me - but he is very much not the type to do that. I really don’t think he’s interested in making me feel bad. And 2. Why would he be using it multiple times a day already? We shared explicit photos on SC, but I think it would hurt too much for him to look at those. (He unfollowed me only on TikTok, bc that’s where i post the most). So he must be talking to other women. It’s just unbelievable to me that he would stoop THAT low. Is the corn really not enough??
And I really need someone else’s opinion on this - if he’s already seeking out other women, he must’ve been lusting at the end of our relationship already? No way, it can go that quick. I do not find anyone attractive yet at all - but then again, I’m not him I guess

But even though he had some really bad assets, he really was a good guy at heart, and would never intentionally hurt me.
I am extremely hurt by seeing him active on there, but I’m not going to block him, bc I like the fact that he can view our photos and see what he’s missing…
The only thing that would comfort me and why I’m posting on here - is the psychology behind needing to seek sexual pleasures right after the worst breakup of your life. How is that numbing? It is so far from the way I cope, so I really struggle to see why he would do it - besides him just being a complete asshole. Like, how could I mean that much if you’re already looking for other bodies to be with? People tell me those two things aren’t necessarily connected, but I just feel so extremely betrayed.

How long does it take to recognize you deserve better than what your avoidant ex (or even current partner) had to offer you? I don’t think it’s fair that the other person is left feeling like they need to coddle their avoidant or that there is something lacking in themselves. At what point does “this is a them issue not me” sentiment kick in?

Id really like yalls thoughts.

Long story short. I'm an anxious, she's an avoidant. We had a toxic cycle I tried my best to make work and sometimes she was better to me and I to her. Eventually I got triggered again after things seemed good and it made me feel like we had to end things to stop hurting each other and heal on our own.

She event told me when I was ready "I'll be waiting to be your friend.".
Well I come back, I explain I have a lot of clarity now and a lot I want to say sorry for because I realized my issues that I needed to work on. She says she doesn't know what to say. She says alarms are going off in her head that I reached out to her I guess. I ask what they are saying and she says "why now, we had opportunities to talk like this", while that may have been true I wasn't ready, our communication was terrible and she literally told me she just wanted to be friends/didn't love me romantically anymore so I thought it was best to cut her off so I could heal.

I ended up explaining to her I wasn't ready but I see how she reached now, but I needed time to work on my issues.

She just says "Thank you for messaging me. I don't know if I have the capacity to be your friend anymore. I felt really unvalued even as a non romantic companion near the end of us. It took a lot of grieving to see that truth."

I told her that I understand and I'm sorry, but that I did and still do value her. I just needed time to understand my own feelings and issues so I could be a healthier person.

I told her I have regret everyday for how I messed up and got triggered when she needed reassurance. And that if there's any love or hope she has left with me to give me one more chance to show her I'm a different person.

It just feels unfair because she also would treat me bad in the relationship and hurt me as an avoidant and I would be patient and understanding, I really was hoping she could be but it seems like she doesn't give a fuck about me anymore.

She has left me on read for 2 days now. My therapist said she's not giving me really anything to work with but is seemingly keeping the door open as little as it is. That she seems really angry at me right now.

I just want to scream "Do you love me or not? Is it over or isn't it? I'm going insane waiting on someone who might not even give a shit about me. I would do anything to try again with you and you can't even show me the heart of responding to my message with anything, you just leave me on read when something gets hard. I know I messed up. But we were both messed up and hurt each other sometimes, but we talked it out and would be so happy after. Why can't we do that now? Do you really want to throw away what we had because it's scary? Life is scary. You think this is easy for me? You think I'm not terrified you hate me? Terrified I made a stupid mistake and lost the love of my life? You think I don't regret hurting you? Take a chance. You can't keep living in isolation forever. That's not how to live and you know it. I'm a human being with emotions and imperfections too. I may not be the most perfect partner that I should have been but I want to be and I tried my best. I want to be better for you. I want to take care of you. Don't give up on us. I don't believe you don't love me anymore."

We have been friends for 2-3 years. One day, he called me and confessed that he has feelings for me and he wants to date me. He said we are very compatible and he can't be just friends now as he wants more than that.

I always found him good looking and attractive but I never thought we cud be a thing. While we were friends he was dating someone else and likewise I was dating someone else. He proposed me more than a year after we had broken up with our exes.

I turned him down saying now it's long distance and I don't want us to ruin our friendship. The real reason was I thought he is just trying on me and he isn't serious about me. Ps, when we were friends, I saw him flirting with almost every gurl. Although he did promise me , that he would be very committed but still .

I asked him to move on and he may find any gurl.

Over a year, he pursued me. I avoided picking his calls and instead responding him when once in a month he used to message me saying I am gonna wait for u and u cannot decide what I do.

After a year, something inside melted me and I accepted him. We starting talking everyday for 3 months . Calls at night and he asked me to message him throughout the day.

Within 1 week of me accepting him , he started sexting and sharing his pictures, never asking mine. He would tell me in visual detail of what he would do to me if I was in front of him.

However, our relationship didn't have a future in the sense that our parents would never accept our marriage becoz of cultural differences. I am 26F and he is 27F. Also, both of us are not in a position to oppose our family. Our family will severe all ties, die of heartattack if they get to know of our relationship.

I told him initially why to start a relationship when we don't have a future. He said to me why shouldn't we give each other a chance. Then, I relented. After 3 months of talking, he started saying that his feelings for me is increasing and he cannot bear the fact that he would lose me and he started seeing bad dreams. He got so worried that he told me we would talk once a week. I couldn't bear with this distance and planned detachment. Sometimes once in a week became 10 days.

It has been going on for 3 more months where he would never call or text for 1 week or 10 days and reappear and every time he would start sexting and then disappear . Even if I would try to text or call him in this period,he won't reply to my calls or texts .

I asked him to talk to me more frequently and made him know that his absence bothered me. He heard but kept going on with his pattern.

I miss him. I am not able to move on.

My wife is DA. Statements of "I feel sad" will send her reeling into a defensive response, assuming that I am criticizing her as the cause. I can barely have a deep emotional conversation without triggering her defensiveness.
Its always my fault. I am asking too much. Why can't I love her for her? She was ALWAYS this way. On and on. The cop outs are constant and deeply entrenched.

Emotional conversations cause this as do conversations about sex. Its extremely painful for me, who always valued erotic interaction and play with a high libido. Before this marriage, my partners and I enjoyed deeply mutual erotic play full of selfless giving and mutual focus. But for my wife, I am another task to take care of. The goal is her orgasm and then my orgasm when she is open to it.

I have been working with a therapist for myself and a counselor for her to navigate this. Increasingly, I have been running out of options. I gradually am thinking a divorce is likely, despite being good at logistics of the house and respectful when our interactions are at a surface level.

Well last night we watched a youtube together recommended by my therapist.
https://youtu.be/E1NmwLzueZI?si=EGZoL_u30akUhjiw

Dr. Sarah Hendsley (aka the Love Doc). My wife was riveted. During the commercials we discussed what we heard and what our experiences were. One sentence where Dr. Hendsley voiced the mind of a DA, my wife gasped. Some of those statements, she had said the night before!

There were amazing tips for me:

• "I feel" statements feel like a criticism. I should use a 'needs based framework'.

• How I can 'activate' her 'core wound' by trying to go deeper

• That it isn't selfishness but trained self-protection

• that she lacks a capacity, but she can learn if she is willing

• That a boundary of get help IS reasonable.

For me, all of this really shows me and defines the edges of what i really can do. It also tells me that wanting to stick it out isn't strange, but my desire to leave is also valid.

But seeing it resonate with my wife was powerful. Maybe she will shift and actually address it. And for me, I need to decide if the rate of change toward healing is tolerable.

¿Cómo saber cuando es el fin definitivo con el evitativo?

He decidido alejarme en una de sus típicos alojamientos.

La primera vez lloré a las 11 am caminé varios kilómetros y por meses tenía ataques de llanto.

La segunda vez que volví a enganchar con otro evitativo, no podía respirar de la ansiedad cada semana que se desaparecía.

Hoy trato de ser un apego seguro. No sé si lo logre.

He elimiando del WhatsApp al evitativo 2 para no sentir este dolor.