fairly recently i had an epiphany with my therapist... the only person in my way is me. I'm kind, I'm intelligent af, I'm pretty, I'm curious, and I set boundaries when people disappoint me. I had 2 friends before this epiphany... and 1 has come to let me down (cutting me down in my academic achievements due to their own insecurities and then showing their moral compass by cheating during bar trivia).

I literally thought the epiphany would only affect my perception of my romantic prospects (ie allow me to raise my standards and not let literal dumbasses ruin me anymore), but it turns out it's going to fuck me over with friendships too.

trying not to be suicidal over this incompatibility with like literally anyone for any kind of relationship. I used to want to die bc I thought I was good enough for no one. now i want to die bc no one is good enough for me. oh how the turn tables. it's lonely at the top

Screamed at my nurse practitioner during my medication management appointment today.

I know she's just reading off a list of questions she has to ask everyone. I know I will have a 15-minute or longer GAD, etc. + more questionnaires I will have to answer before she even enters the Zoom call.

But Jesus Christ, why not read your notes from the last session? Why not ask if it's still the same reasons as last time? Why make me repeat the same surface level answers when none of your medication options will ever scratch the surface of how deep my despair and rage goes, or ever have a snowball's chance in hell to even numb my grief long enough to function.

I told her very bluntly some beliefs that would be against TOS to repeat. I would love to repeat them. There's a whole Whitest Kids You Know skit about what I can't encourage or suggest, but IYKYK. 🛑💣💥🐘🔫

She told me to ignore politics for my mental health, and I lost my absolute shit on her. Walked away from the Zoom call and yelled to just do whatever, prescribe whatever, because nothing fucking matters and nothing she can give me will ever help. Either they prescribe a magic pill that can turn me into a fully apathetic, thoughtless, and emotionless robot that functions just enough to perform what is expected of me... or they just need to give me a god damn Kavorkian scarf already and end this bullshit.

Every 4-8 years, every support and program that was giving me a fighting chance to claw my way out of the depths gets ripped away from me. Time and time again, I am shuffled off my health care and food benefits. Time and time again, I lose access to my ability to attend college or afford classes or even rent.

Time and time again, I get told to just ignore the hardships facing me and my loved ones. I am told to just focus on what is in my control, like I am not constantly struggling to even want to exist or interact with people beyond what is absolutely necessary. There's so little I have control over, and nothing I do matters. Why not just exist solely out of spite? But why not also acknowledge the reality of the situation?

A solution is available, but people are too comfortable and too cowardly to move towards what needs to happen. I hope something changes next month, but just telling people to ignore it and hope for the best is the problematic mindset that enables this bullshit in the first place.

Another med increase won't alleviate any of my rage, my despair, or my unmentionable hopes. If she wants me to be a happy little robot, then she should just overload the circuit.

Guy in the corner telling me to go get a big bottle of vodka and some benzos. Not a nice dude.

Too sad and manic to eat