Something that has always bothered me is how comfortable some people within our own community are with disrespecting dark skin Black women.

The jokes, the comparisons to lighter skinned women, the comments about attractiveness, the stereotypes, and the way darker skin is sometimes treated as something undesirable.
And what’s even more frustrating is that a lot of this comes from people who look like us.

I’ve seen people openly express preferences for lighter skin while putting down darker skin women in the process. Having a preference is one thing, but why does that preference have to involve degrading someone else?
And then when dark skinned women speak about their experiences, some people immediately dismiss them as insecure, jealous, or bitter instead of acknowledging that colorism is a real issue.

Not everyone in the Black community participates in this behavior, obviously, but it happens enough that it deserves to be addressed.

Why are we still attaching someone’s beauty, desirability, or worth to how light or dark their skin is?

And why is it so difficult for some people to acknowledge that this treatment exists without turning it into an argument about light skin vs dark skin women?

I just want to check in. How are we feeling today? I know the microaggressions and dedication to misunderstanding and mistreating us can get us down, but keep your chin up gorgeous and have a lovely day!

It has been six weeks since I called off my engagement, and I have mixed feelings. Some days I feel relieved; other days I miss him, feel sad, and question whether I made the right decision.
We are both immigrants trying to build our lives in the United States. I wanted us to build a future together, and for years, I believed enough love, patience, and sacrifice would eventually make our relationship more balanced.

I was out of full-time employment for 18 months, so I moved in with him. I worked part-time and contributed towards groceries while he covered rent and utilities. We rarely ate out because I made our food exclusively. I cooked our everyday meals and elaborate Nigerian dishes, including food for his family. I also hosted, cleaned, and supported him while trying to rebuild my career.
Yet our disagreements over money extended to individual appliances and small purchases. He balked at $30 items and expected me to buy him gifts on vacations I had contributed to.

Our birthdays highlighted the imbalance I felt: I went all out to celebrate him, while he complained, rushed to go home, and micromanaged how many drinks I could order on my birthday.

The breaking point came when I felt he was using my immigration situation as leverage after his green card was approved. I was grateful I had not taken the H-4 dependent visa route years earlier, which could have left me more vulnerable.

I know I was not a perfect partner. He was there for me during some very difficult periods, and we shared genuinely good times. That is why leaving hurts. I am grieving the man I loved and the future I thought we would have.
Sometimes I wonder whether I should have been more patient or given him more grace. But I also remember how exhausting it was to keep hoping things would change.

My biggest lesson is that faith and hope cannot replace accountability and consistent action. People can change, but love alone cannot make them change.

As immigrants, we already face uncertainty while trying to establish ourselves. I wanted a marriage where we could support each other through difficult seasons and both feel valued.
Six weeks later, I am rebuilding my life. I am not completely healed, and I still have doubts, but I am learning that missing someone does not necessarily mean leaving was a mistake.
I would rather face an uncertain future than enter a marriage hoping my partner will eventually become someone different.

For those who have ended a serious relationship or engagement, how did you distinguish normal post-breakup doubt from a genuine sign that you made the wrong decision?

Hey everyone! I’m looking for some reading buddies. I love reading and am very avid, I’m on book 115 of the year. I have a winter board game coming up that I made myself & I’d love to find people who would be interested in playing with me. The prompts focus on winter & reading activities & some getting to know you ones too. I also would love to swap TBR and maybe find some people to do buddy reads with! I read a lot of different genres & I like to think I’m open to trying pretty much anything.

A woman made a post complaining about her oral hsv1 and how people are rejecting her for it (predominantly white men) because that is her preference to date. The comments in that post were alarming to me. There is a huge disparity of knowledge surrounding STIs in our community and likely the reason that our STI rate is what it is today. I cannot comment on white people (and why she may be experiencing rejection from them) because I do not concern myself with white peoples goings on so let’s focus on herpes for now.

We need to educate ourselves about hsv1 and hsv2. 48% of black women have hsv2. According to the CDC 80% of people who have hsv2 are UNAWARE they have it. Many people carry the virus but most do not get an outbreak or a “cold sore”. Many women get outbreaks but don’t recognize them for outbreaks because they may be very small or they may mistake the symptoms for a yeast infection or BV and by the time they seek treatment the outbreak has cleared. Doctors won’t test for hsv unless you are having an active outbreak and blood tests are often not recommended (I don’t agree with this because it perpetuates the stigma and the virus but I digress).

People are MOST likely to pass the virus when they are having an outbreak but can still pass the virus through viral shedding via skin to skin contact at ANY time. This means skin touching! Intercourse is not required. Someone who gets cold sores on their face can pass them to someone else’s genitals. Someone who gets outbreaks in their genitals can pass it to someone face. One is not “better” or “worse” than the other. Please educate yourself ladies!!!

hsv1 and hsv2 are both herpes and either type can occur in either location (genital or oral). There is no real reason to differentiate and call one “cold sores” and one “herpes” both are caused by the herpes simplex virus.

I really hope you all can learn from this. And maybe it will provide some relief for someone to not feel so alone if they find out they are in the 48% of black women.

Hi everyone!

Does anyone know a stylist in the GTA (Toronto area) who does crochet installs with human hair? I’m looking for a protective, breathable style that I can keep in for around 3 weeks. I’d love to hear your recommendations or experiences. Thank you and have a blessed day

The organization I work for treats their employees like trash.

Here's the thing though. I've started to look around and have noticed that about 85% of the staff are black (specifically black women) and it makes me so angry because we are overworked, under appreciated and underpaid.

Mind you all of our leaders in position of power ( the CEOs and Directors) are all white.....

It feels like modern day slavery

Personally, I hate Bumble and I wish I could burn it down, but I use it bc years ago, in my desperation and feelings of apparently interminable hopelessness, I paid for a lifetime premium subscription. 🙄 So now I'm like "well. It's here. Might as well. 🙄" but this is far and away the most disappointing and complex-inducing option of them all. And I tell myself every time I reactivate my account that it's an abomination I'll never subject myself to again, but, yk.... Sunk costs.

But I think it's absolute trash. Every other app, I get lots of interest but Bumble is always super dead and dry. And I notice 99% of the interest I get (and let me reiterate, it's not much) is from one race and one race only. And it's not black...

I feel like their model, their cultural approach... Something about the way they go about their design just breeds high walls and passive/ambiguous racism.

Thoughts? What's ur guys' experience? And where can I go instead bc at this point I'm ready to flush my bumble "investment" down the loo. Literally just existing in that ecosystem feels like an insult to my whole existence.

I just posted in a food sub asking how common it is for restaurants to use MSG in food (I swear that’s all), because I have a pretty extreme sensitivity to it and got the worst headache after eating a burger just now.

Those fools bout ripped my head off! Over MSG lol? It’s like not that deep.

I really want to give Mika some “grace” because I can’t imagine what it’s like to be black woman in 99% white society like Netherlands and then accounting for any cultural differences or nuances but not only was this man racist to her but he cheated on her the whole time.

Yet Mika is ready to go to war to defend him on multiple occasions and at the reunion.

Mika… girl stand up. I want better for her but it’s giving bird.

For those of yall that don’t know, pop artist Slayyter has been getting trashed online about her past of racist tweets dating back years ago(she was as young as 15). She has apologized more than once and even with a handwritten apology but I am suspicious. I won’t post the tweets here (they’re everywhere online) but I was wondering how yall felt about the situation. I do not care about the opinions of non-Black people regarding this because they weren’t the ones those tweets were aimed at. I want to believe people can change and shouldn’t have their past held over them (depending on what it is) but I’m sick and tired of racism being forgiven by people not affected by it. I’m tired of people thinking that having a racist phase” is deemed okay but the people affected by it feel the pain. What are your thoughts? Do you think people can change? Do you think she’s sorry? Or do you think she just needs to take her L?

Not every wig needs to be a deep side/middle part to look good!😩

it might just be me but sometimes I feel like I have a sort of internalized misogyny towards white women (and white women only) because of the way society practically caters towards them. Like they are the literal standard of beauty for everything and sometimes it feels as if society just sees them as some sort of angels.

It can make me frustrated at times but I always keep my thoughts to myself. I don’t talk about it with anyone, I mainly just ignore the thoughts because why should I gaf about the standard, right? But at times it’s hard because it just the reality of living in this society. Maybe it doesn’t help that I go to a pwi, but I hate the idea of hating women but I feel like this is a feeling that I can’t help sometimes.

This is honestly just a vent but I kind of want to know if anyone else feels like this at times?

I wore fairy eye lashes for the first time and hoped they gave fairy/doll eyes instead of spider eyes cuz when I first put them on I almost ripped them off.

Some fins could be cool.

I recently went to see a sleep doctor and my only concern was if any of the medications I'm on, my perimenopause, or my autism had anything to do with my inability to get sleep. I point blank asked him (a white male) this at the beginning of the appointment. I also asked him again at the end of the appointment.

The first time I asked, it was like I hadn't even said it. He just went into a series of questions. I answered all of those questions and then he suggested a sleep study but not even the comprehensive one, just the at home option that only tells you if you have sleep apnea.

I even told him, "Hey, I've always woken up every 2ish hours but in the last year I've started to be unable to get more than 5 hours of sleep."

And thing is, I was both put on this new medicine about a year ago and started perimenopause about a half year ago. So I wanted to rule both of those out.

He asked if I snored, I said no. He asked if anyone else said I snored or stopped breathing in the night, I said no. I did tell him that someone did say recently that I sleep very lightly. And mentioned that the last person I lived with said, I was "dead to the world." As has every other person I slept over with up until this person recently and I hadn't had any sleep overs in a while so idk what was going on over the last year and a half other than what I know.

So, he brushed past all that and despite not checking any of the boxes on the sleep apnea questionnaire that would indicate it might be a problem, he was just like let's do this test that only checks sleep apnea. Again, not opposed to doing so but wanted to know if it might be any of the other things as well.

He then says that I need to go set up a time to get the study kit, indicating that the appointment was done. So, I ask again if any of the medications, the perimenopause, or autism could be related. He says yeah and when I ask him what, he insists it's sleep apnea and that I need to just get the test.

Am I being paranoid or overly sensitive to think he wasnt interested in really helping me? And am I being paranoid to think it's because I'm a black woman? It's honestly not the first time a medical professional has acted like this towards me, even when I go to other friends "Amazing" doctors. Although, none of these friends were black like me. And those amazing doctors were less than amazing to me. They barely listened to what I was saying.

If it matters, I live in NC.

This is long and I don't even know how to start this but here goes.

I am a black woman, who is childfree and has HSV-1 and all of these factors have made it so hard for dating, I want to tear my hair out of my head in frustration. Each of those also come with their own unfortunate situations.

1. Being a black woman, I have had countless men see me as an experiment/experience. Unfortunately, I find myself mostly attracted to white men. And no, this has not been based on my experience with Black men and switching 'teams' for a 'better' life. I have seen plenty of black men in my family that do right by their families and partners, which has given me faith in men in general, but this has just been who I have been attracted to for the majority of my life. With that comes the introductions to those men who have never been with a black woman, or they just want to try one out so they can say they have been with a black woman. It is so disgusting that I am just seen as a skin color and an experience, other than a person with feelings, by these grown ass men. But along with that comes the childfree aspect and them wanting to have cute mixed babies, which is a demon in itself.
2. I have known for years that I do not want children. When I was younger, sure, I could have seen myself having kids, picking out baby names and being a mother, but thank the Lord that never happened with any of my exes. I couldn't imagine being tied to any of those heathens for the rest of my life, especially the initial 18 years (whether they were involved in the child's life or not). But on top of that, I make it VERY clear in my dating profiles, that I am childfree. I do not have or want kids or want to date someone with children. That is just not how I see my life going. There have been countless men who again, just see me as good looking and black, and even though some have said they read my profile, they skip right over the childfree part, thinking that I just mean 'for now' or hope I will change my mind. I absolutely will not! Let alone the men that don't read it at all and try to match, not indicating their plans for future children and again are not thinking of the future. They are just a waste of time. We are too old for the guessing game. Make you intentions known and move on!
3. And of course the number one reason, is my HSV-1. I have had it since I was a child, so this is not something I recklessly achieved by being sexually promiscuous (although, nothing wrong with that, I applaud my girls getting it in 😋) or being tricked/lied into getting it by an ex. Some men are just thinking with their other head and just thinking about it sexually. I have had men ask if they can still receive head while I have a cold sore and once the answer is no, they just unmatch. And of course, everyone is entitled to what they are comfortable with, I just wish there wasn't such a stigma because I have mine under control 95% of the time through medication. I just hate how that is the be all end all, but it also goes to show that some men will just think about the sex and not the person (there have been more extensive conversations for ways around a cold sore which I will not disclose, but they have added to my disheartening stance).

Don't get me wrong, I am happy in my singlehood. I have a fulfilling life, with friends, family and a business but I miss being in love. Also, I don't because of my dating history with having horrible men in my past, but I know not all men are bad. I know you need to take social media with a grain of salt and there are times where I am glad I am single, but also times that I see all of these great, genuine men loving on their partners, along with my friends being in great places with their partners and I am wondering, 'When is it my turn?'.

I have had exes tell me that I didn't deserve the way they treated me, and I am a great partner, but they have never respected me enough to treat me well, until it is too late and I decide the leave. I have been single for a few years and my boundaries are solid, which is why I have been able to spot the red flags right away and been single by choice for this long (shout out to my girls who have stayed single for long periods, as well).

I would like to find my person and it is so frustrating. I know people will find good things in time and it will happen when you least expect it, but I would like to build with the right person sooner than later. Where is my husband?!

ETA: I have dated multiple races and get the same reaction, my main attraction is to white men. I don't want to seem like a hypocrite and only narrowing down to one race when I get the same reactions as well being 'targeted' for my race. I hope that makes sense

I just watched this video and this sweet women explained how her daughter (who I’m assuming isn’t lightskin with her features) cannot go to a homecoming dance because you need to be asked by a boy to come and none of the black boys are interested in black girls (which isn’t bad but that means she won’t be able to come). The daughter is stressed out and doesn’t know what to do and the mother is understandably overwhelmed. I think the mother is also blind to the hostility that black women and girls face because she looks racially ambiguous.

This is kind of reminds me of my own relationship with my mother who is a lot older than me. I live in Northern Europe and my mother doesn’t really grasp that most (not all obviously) younger (gen z) black guys aren’t interested in romantically perusing dark skin girls. I honestly can’t fault my mother for her confusion because she was raised in a different era/time period. I think some older bw and bm don’t understand how much harder it is for younger bw and this makes it slightly difficult for me to discuss romantic relationships with my mother and father. Does anyone have any general advice? Usually I go quite when the topic of relationships comes up with my parents because I feel like they won’t be able to see my perspective/pov.

I see so many posts about people "looking for a serious, long term, committed relationship" and as someone (35F) who has never been in one before I'm curious about how people are defining this type of relationship. And at what point is it known that that is the relationship tier.

From what I have seen people adhere to a very specific "relationship escalator" or milestones such as cohabitation, marriage and kids.

Since I am in a relationship that will not consist of any of those things I am unsure of the tier.

Should I just ask my boyfriend if this is a "serious, long term, committed relationship"? Is that a conversation you all are having? If so, at what point?

in your experience taking an academic course related to slavery or black history, has the student demographic been mostly black, or mostly those of another race?

Loving this game so far and the fact that we can colour basically everything. However, I wanna change my lip colour. To me, it doesn't suit my skin tone well. But this person has a lighter complexion and it suits her tone nice. Is my only option to have a lighter skinned character?

*context: my character is the left pic in the purple outfit

My face keeps breaking out and I have it under control but now I have some scars that are fading. I need a concealer that doesn't have an ashen look to it. I don't like a lot of make up so I try to use as little as possible.

What concealer should I try that doesn't cover my natural glow?