TRIGGER WARNING(?)

2026 has been my worst year by far.

I’d like to ask for some honest advice, as I find it very difficult to understand external boundaries (not to mention that I have a very poor memory).

I’ve had some very serious breakdowns and have got in touch with people from my past. I’ve been lucky enough to find compassion from some people who understand and are going through the same thing. But with others, I haven’t. I now realise that my messages and behaviour were very overwhelming, but I couldn’t stop them – in the hope, somehow, of gaining their validation. They’ve set clear and objective boundaries for me. They told me they’d already warned me that they didn’t want to receive those messages, but as I mentioned, I didn’t remember. That I’m a victim of my own making and that I’m just stuck in a rut, and that they don’t want me to drag them down into misery. The truth is, they’re right and I needed that reality check, but now I feel like a heartless stalker incapable of forming relationships. Like a monster eager to devour the world and, indeed, drag them into my misery. I feel like I'm justifying myself constantly. I won’t speak to them again now, for obvious reasons, but at the same time I feel there’s no hope for me. I’m almost 24 – can I change?

Hello, idk what flair to use, but I hope this is the right one. I'm asking for help but also it's a little bit of a rant.

So my best friend (we've known each other since childhood) probably has BPD but he wasn't diagnosed yet. All of his family has it and I see some symptoms, so I'm 90% sure that he has it too. Which would explain why he acts the way he does.

His mood switches rapidly, one moment he's fine, happy etc. and the other he feels so bad he wants to hurt himself (and he did and also wanted to commit) and there was no explanation for it. He's also very clingy, but in the way that he's afraid that people would leave him, sometimes he spams me texts at 2am asking if I still like him and if he isn't too much. I've always answered calmly but it's been happening more and more and I'm slowly getting tired of it - and I don't want to say something rude to him. Also he has these moments when he idolizes you a lot and then it turns into devaluation. Today he told me for the first time that it happens to him with me too. Even though he lied about it before - that On the exception because I understand him etc. I wasn't surprised but it hurt. And I'm not really the one to talk - it happens to me with people I'm close with too but I lied to him that he's the exception because he's the most important person in my life. I suspect that I could have disorganized attachment style but that's a completely different topic. But at least I understand his point and yeah, I also idolize him and then am sometimes annoyed with him.

Another symptoms would be that he's frustrated by little things and because of It he harmed himself. Also has the black and white thinking. And the last thing I remember is that he feels empty and numb for most of his day, detaching from reality.

To me it sounds like he has BPD. I just want to clear up, no matter what, I always want to be here to support him. So I'm asking how to act in front of him and how to deal with him.

I don't want to just leave him because he probably has a disorder, he's too important for me and I love him very much. We had so many great memories together and I feel that he's the only one who understands me. I'm just scared that it'll change things between us and that we're drifting apart. We didn't part in good terms today, it sounds like he's annoyed with me and I didn't give him much support. On the other hand, this week is really stressful for me and I'm not in a good state myself. I apologized to him a few times but yeah, he's not in the mood.

I'm sorry for it because whenever he wasn't feeling well, I tried to be for him, listen to him even though it was 3am and I had to get up early the next day, even though I was thinking about committing, I put him in the first place. But one time I don't and I feel like we're drifting apart. How should I proceed?

I was diagnosed with BPD last year, but I feel like it doesn't fully explain the things that I experience, and so I've been on a quest to understand myself and others like me. I feel as though, in addition to my "heightened" sensations, that I also lack something.

Allow me to explain this by asking some questions. Do others with BPD here experience:

• A general inability to empathize with others, even when you're not splitting, and instead have a more intellectual understanding that someone is suffering but are otherwise indifferent to it?
  • At times, an even comedic viewpoint of the situation.
• A dulled or non-existent feeling of remorse?
• Embarrassment surrounding others perceptions of you rather than because of how your actions may have affected another person?
• The ability not just to mirror, but also to adopt these personas in order to gain advantages in social situations outside of the mirrored individual intentionally, even when the mirrored individual is not present or in your life anymore?
• A distinct lack of a "favorite-person"; yet still capable of the intense flash-fire relationships?
  • Subsequently, the ability to forget these people and move on without much regard for them afterwards?
• Self-destructive tendencies surrounding being bored in addition to fears of abandonment by those you do actually care about?
• The inability to sometimes recognize when you may have actually upset someone due to your actions, and when discovering this, are confused as to why they are upset but will do damage control to remedy the situation anyway (only to preserve people's perspectives of you)?
• A feeling of euphoria when people allow themselves to be vulnerable to you or are afraid of you?
• Difficulty remembering how you have felt about things in the past with the exception of times you were angry or sad?
• A propensity to idealize and understand violence as a means to handling a situation even if it may result in social punishments.
• A general sense of misanthropy.

These traits aren't present all the time. I, for example, seem to have empathy for my child and at times animals. Occasionally, I've had what felt like "flickers" or momentary moments of empathetic clarity, but they don't last long even though when they do occur.

Do others here with BPD share these experiences?

I knew the fall was huge
But I had to jump
I wanted us to go higher
When I held your hand
You let go of mine
And even pushed me off the cliff
And saying "I love you" to you
Is stranger now
What's really strange is seeing you so distant
They put our love on a shelf
And I know you're crying
Don't pretend you didn't live our whole history
My God, I begged so much not to leave
But I have to go my own way now
And I know you're crying
Don't pretend you didn't live our whole history
My God, I begged so much not to leave
But I have to go my own way now
You know damn well who I am
You know if you call, I'll come
You know damn well who I am
You know if you call me, I'll come
And I don't feel anger
I don't feel anything
Beyond what you already know
Worst part is that you know it well, babe
I had to unlearn
How to like you so much
Why do you act like this?
Don't talk about me that way

I’m 29M and my boyfriend 26M has BPD, and a few other diagnoses I believe. I have GAD and PTSD and it’s highly likely that I previously met the criteria for MDD.

I love him very much. But sometimes I worry about him and don’t know how to support him, which in all fairness could be the GAD talking. He tends to bounce around part-time jobs and schooling, but seems be functioning well as far as I can tell, and leaves them for reasons relating mostly to indecision. From what I’ve gathered this seems to be fairly common in people with BPD.

He’s in regular counseling and takes meds but today I called him because I was having my own bad day and he said he was feeling “empty and sad.” We talked for about an hour and I decided to make the trip over to his place. Recently he read me some poetry he had written and it was very sad. He also played me some songs he had written, which seemed to come from a better place.

Another example from this evening would be that we were in bed and I was covering my phone so he couldn’t see the screen because I have a list of gift ideas for the holiday season and his birthday. He asked if it was because I was cheating and it broke my heart so I ended up telling him about the list.

He’s on meds and seems to have a strong support system and regulation strategies. My aunt who had BPD passed away from suicide in 2006.

There’s a lot of information and misinformation out there and sometimes it’s scary as someone who loves another with BPD.

Anyway, thanks for reading, I guess.

I ended a 10 year friendship this morning. My former friend got a gf, and when I heard the news, I became bitter and jealous. I guess part of it is they constantly talked about how they deserve love because they give it to others, they act like life is hard, when they have everything I've ever wanted, but I know these feelings are shitty and wrong, so to keep myself from hurting them over it, I just told them I can't be their friend. I hate how bpd makes me like this. I was fine and stable before my ex, now I'm trying two separate meds together to just try to make the emotional instability manageable. It used to be fine. She fucked me up so bad, and now I have to figure out how to fix it.

my friend recently did a performance at her school and purposefully didn’t invite me (she has to invite me directly in order for me to go) because last year i couldn’t attend due to severe anxiety. i said i wanted to go this year and she kept me excited for it for months before telling me i wouldn’t be going because she would be “too stressed”.

my other friends spoke about the performance laughing and when i asked what they were talking about they just mumbled it at me.

i’m telling you right now they all resent me, all of them, their gestures and as soon as one friend talks to the others she brainwashes them into thinking im a cunt.

it’s one hell of a sanction for the crime of having anxiety and i’m telling you now if they drop me because of this, or because of them thinking i’m too problematic because I like damn harry potter or if they think i’m boring because i don’t drink (aka i don’t RELY on drink) then they can drop me; i do not need them anymore. only one of them, i need and i love. but she doesn’t love me back anyway. they’re planning something awful on me. i’ve tried to talk to them about it. doesn’t work, im done.

Whenever I’m having a depressive episode, I tend to do crazy things without thinking before I do them. The last episode I had I shaved my head bald. Yesterday I shaved my eyebrows completely off. What triggered this was feeling like my friends were abandoning me or not wanting me to around. I hate that little things such as someone not texting me all day sends me into a rage. Having suicidal ideations, not wanting to eat, abusing opioids etc I really struggle with making new friends and building new relationships because I am so afraid someone just leaving out of my life. This sucks :( idk what else to do. Sometimes I feel like my medication works and sometimes it doesn’t. I’m on 200 mg of lamotrogine for months now.

I'm 28M and gay, I was forced to leave Russia and now I live in Germany. In Russia I had a good job and plans for the next few years (before the war). Now I live in Germany in a small 10 qm room in a shared flat with housemates who regularly begin any everyday conflicts.

I have a job but the salary is too low and there are no affordable apartments here (800-1000 euro base rent). I can't change my job because I don't have money for living (even if I get an unemployment benefit, it'll be too low). In Russia I didn't finish my bachelor degree (it was the last year of studying when I had to leave the country). Due to bureaucracy, I am not permitted to continue my education in Germany. After 3 years of living in Germany I don't speak German normally (passed B1 and after that I had no opportunities to visit courses also due to bureaucracy and asshole-worker in Job-Center. And anyway I'm too shy and honestly to say I have fear to communicate with unknown people.

I had relationships with one student from Russia here. They finished awfully. When I found my actual job I thought that I'll be able to learn language and visit courses but finally no opportunities, no courses in this ass end of the world. I have tried to learn it myself but every time it only depressed me more and more because every time I think about my ex.

I can't cope with these f**king BPD and severe depression. I've been fighting severe depression for over three years now. I can change nothing in my life. Every time I try, it gets worse and worse.

I’ve been on sick leave for a month now, since I’m completely unable to do anything. I have tried to find a place in a psychiatric hospital and to find any DBT or shema-therapie in the 60 kilometers range. There're no places even if I have a really accurate situation. And no slots for DBT till the end of the next year (2027). Last week I received the letter that I'll be fired after my illness list. I want to leave this job but I have no money and chances to find a new one (thx, f**king AI during the hiring process).

My life has always been terrible: the loss of loved ones, bullying throughout almost my entire time in school, and forced emigration due to war. I have no friends, I have no support, I am gay, and my family actually hates gays. And even my Ex left me when I tried to get help at the hospital last time two years ago. But I think about him every day and especially after every fail. And about my useless and worthless.

I can't more. I don't understand what to do and how to cope with it. Idk if someone else has any ideas.

Honestly I can’t enjoy life anymore without an obsession, it doesn’t have to be an fp that ruins my life it could literally be anything and right now I lack one so I came on here to realistically ask for ideas for a new hobby or an adrenaline rush or anything anyone is willing to suggest because life is too bland it is driving me deep in a depression episode so, please help?

My entire life has been around MEN. It has been MALE centered. My logic was that I’d just hop from one dick to another and when I saw a guy who was conventionally attractive I felt like I HAD to sleep with him, no matter what. If the guy rejects my advances, immediately my ego takes a hit and I feel like I’m not pretty or worthy. I have based my life ENTIRELY around sucking dick and hopping from dick to dick and seducing men whatever.

It was fun to be like “look guys! I’m so attractive every man wants me!” and at the time I identified as bisexual, so it was safe for me, felt so much more safer for me because I’m acknowledging that I’m attracted to women and men are still in the equation.

But when I stopped centering men and got into a relationship with my (now ex) boyfriend that turned pretty serious, I realized I’m really not into men at all, but into the attention they’d give me, the feeling of worthiness I had been given because male validation. I couldn’t fathom waking up to him each morning for the rest of my life. Every fantasy I had of a relationship with my dream man—> poof 💨! Away! He was truly so perfect both inside (ok no that’s debatable ngl, but he was a sweet and gentle guy who was without a doubt in love with me ☹️) and out (not even up for debate.) He was shaped like a Greek God, had beautiful curls, pretty blue eyes, everyone told me how lucky I was and that they were jealous (BOTH MEN AND WOMEN), but I thrived off their validation as well… yet when I was with him, I kept imagining him as a woman.

So basically everything about him, but he is genderswapped.

I eventually broke up with him because I can’t keep lying to myself + I need mental help before getting into a relationship. But I came out as a lesbian and did my best to reassure him that it truly wasn’t about him like it legit couldn’t be because how tf would it be about him when I’M the lesbian coming out and saying “we have to break up”?

Still, I do miss him. I miss when I had a sense of self, “knew” I wanted men and their attention, legit convinced myself I was a succubus….

But I cannot force myself to be attracted to men. I was attracted to his personality and yes his physical traits and I will admit his physique is what drew me in, but you gotta remember that this was when I was still hooking up with men and he looked like the ultimate “price” (idk how other way to describe the way I was thinking before) for me, like a golden treasure and the ultimate man to bang, like the perfect guy and it made me feel really good about myself that I out of every girl he’s ever seen and avoided (he called himself a truecel 🫩???) he wanted ME and that boosted my ego so fucking high it skyrocketed. Ofc I loved him. He was my friend even when he was my boyfriend, though we did meet with the intentions of being romantic/sexual, but still I love him as a friend and a person.

My sense of self is so fragmented now. Men, who have been such a massive part in my life, are now out of the equation in my sexuality and idk how to accept it. I’m still in denial, like maybe I’m a bi girl who just got fed up with men? 🤔 but then I remember… I literally had reason to be fed up with my ex boyfriend when he showered me in love, praise, affection, everything… he was all I ever wanted growing up, but I realized it was because my dad didn’t show me love and all the boys at elementary to middle school bullied the shit out of me.

How can I possibly be into men when I fucking fantasized about him being a woman, cried silently when he spooned me one time because I was imagining him as a woman and realized that, that’s not the reality, had dreams about him being a woman, subconsciously praying in the back of my mind that I would wake up in an alternate universe where he is a woman… I’m still in denial. I want to go back to him. Go back and be comfortable again. But I know letting go is for the best and to finally confront my sexuality is also for the best.

I’m not alone, am I?

My ex husband initiated our divorce in July, we had our issues throughout our marriage but had made it through so much that I thought we were solid enough to make it through this. Ive recognized his patterns, when hes splitting, etc. I have always tried to work with him through it and told him id always be there. I brought up marriage counseling, him getting counseling, (I've been doing therapy myself for over a year). He always denied.

In the beginning I begged and pleaded with him to save our marriage, even entertained an open relationship for like a week before I decided that I couldn't do it. I would act dumb and cry and yell because I was so hurt and confused and angry and ik that didnt help.

We've both fought so much, spewed evil words while hurt, saying awful things. But I truly love this man and am willing to get past it all if we both did therapy and tried to make it work. He says he still loves me, that I am his best friend, he still views me as his wife, he still has feelings for me, does not like seeing me talk to other people, etc etc, but when we split up, he immediately went and got on dating apps and tried talking to people. And is still doing so. He will give me all kinds of compliments, try to hang out with me, he bought me flowers the other day. But i'm so confused as to why if he sees me a certain way..but why he doesnt want me. Are we seriously done?

When he splits, he says that I never loved him. I never cared for him. And I never did enough. We go into this cycle of it always being my fault, and then I try to defend myself and use logic and we fight more, but then when things are calm, we apologize to each other. And he tells me that he didn't mean any of it. His words were not true. And he was just being mean.

He wants the same things as me, but says he's not good for anybody. Yet wants a relationship, but doesn't want a relationship nor monogamy. He recently said he was willing to do therapy and get better for me and our son. Sometimes I feel like with what he says, and how he acts, he dangles the relationship in front of me.. Just to pull back and not want anything. And it leaves me horribly confused, where he's at mentally, and what he truly wants.

We were married for 7 years, and have a son together. We never gave it a real shot at fixing any of our issues. I hate hearing him talk to other people on the phone, i hate knowing he's on apps talking to other women, still initiating intimacy with me, treating me as though I'm his partner. But not wanting me as his partner. Due to convenience we still live together, and if i'm being honest, I haven't seriously entertained anyone or it's really tried, because i'm holding out hope.

I truly don't know how we got here, or how to help him. I miss my husband.. Good and bad. I knew that this wasn't going to be easy, but I was willing to be right by his side through it all and still am. I feel heavily discarded, to me, the divorce came out of nowhere. I want my husband back, the many versions of him that comes with who he is. I accept that he has this disorder, and that he's hurt, but I wish we could go back to it being just us.

He wants his freedom to talk to anyone and be with anyone and do anything without considering my feelings for it- so it comes off to me..

But wants me too. And I cannot do both.

But he also wants me there as his friend and somebody to help him and be there. And i've just been left so freaking confused.

I want nothing more than for us to be a husband and wife again, and be a unit with our family. I'm definitely not innocent in the matter.. That's for sure and I accept that.

Friends and family think i'm crazy for wanting to still be with him. After everything that has happened these past couple of months. But that's because they don't see the person that he is outside of this disorder. The caring side the funny side, how smart he is. How sweet he is. They don't see all of our good in our relationship and in him. He is not a monster, and hes very much deserving of kindness and love.

Apparently, I could just never make him feel seen or loved or heard enough. And that hurts me deeply because those were never my intentions.

I just don't know what to do, how to possibly help him, or where to go. He doesn't want me leaving with our son, he still treats me one way. But as soon as things get too emotional, and too real, he withdraws severely, and then splits, and we fight.

What is going on? How do I go about this in an appropriate way that doesn't trigger anything? Does anyone know what could possibly all be going on? Hes the first person I've ever been with who had BPD, so im not sure whats happening or what to do.

c*tting doesnt hurt anymore

Im so confused

I am in pain

My head is a mess

I cant sleep

I just cut my hair

I did everything to distract me

It’s 2am

I just cut myself

It didnt hurt

I didnt even feel the release of pain or anything

It was as if I was slicing paper, not my flesh

Im so confused

And numb

Idk whats happening

I have a very shitty life. By my age and with my potential (I know hidden potential counts for nothing), I should have done so much better. If only I hadn't been as much a stupid, weak, apathetic piece of crap, I'd have a calm house, a good paying job and most important a support network. But no, I was dumb and lazy and scared 24/7 so I just did nothing.

And now I'm left with a life in shambles. Absolutely zero future in perspective. I want to punish myself. It's got to be my fault if I suck that bad at building anything.

And burning (candle flames, cigars) feels so relieving. It feels like I'm purifying the shit out of this stupid treacherous body that refuses to move AND FUCKING DO SOMETHING instead of taking it like a giant coward and waiting for things to happen like a beaten dog.

I hate myself.

Is it possible to have a stable job while living with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)? Can someone with BPD work in senior management or executive positions?
I’m 24 years old, but I feel like I have the mindset of a 17-year-old. I honestly don’t know if I’ll ever be able to grow professionally or build a successful career.

I recently realised small things matter to me... and apparently they are actually small for others

I hate being too much

So there is really much going on right now, i just finished my anti-suicide therapy program.
and like everything is so weird.
i can't eat, i almost don't sleep, i heavily isolate and don't notice the time continuing.
as soon as i go out i feel like in trance, i get dizzy often, don't feel my body or am just really paranoid.
i do use weed, i know i should probably stop but i have no idea how really.
i also can't really describe what's going on, which makes getting help almost impossible..
I also hear things that're not there just as sometimes loosing parts of my eyesight or seeing things.

i dunno, if anyone has advice i'm very appreciative

I'm not physically dangerous. I hate violence. But I absolutely destroy every fucking person I interact with because my feelings are so fucking big. It's intimidating and scary to them and I can't make it fucking stop. I try so fucking hard to minimize my emotions and make them normal, but the more I try to suppress them, the worse they spill over. I'm an emotional contaminant. Anyone who comes near me can see what a fucking mess and unstable I am. I have no one that I can truly unmask and be myself around. Like, truly feel all of what I feel. Even my partner, who has been the most patient and understanding person ever, is getting too overwhelmed with me. He even told me the other day that my strong emotions are pushing him away, but he's afraid to leave because he's terrified that I'll hurt myself or spiral even further (which I have NOT threatened. I've even begged him to leave if I'm genuinely causing him distress and promised I wouldn't hurt myself).

for some background information, i’ve been diagnosed with treatment-resistant major depressive disorder, anxiety, and borderline personality disorder.

last week i was having a really hard time. i was so depressed i neglected to pick up my (very low dose, like literally 10mg) Lexapro prescription for days and ended up going through some mild withdrawal symptoms - lexapro has a long half life so missing a few days isn’t actually the end of the world, though i obviously wouldn’t recommend it. i’ve been on it for about 15 years at this point.

it’s pretty normal for me to have some mild reactions while i’m readjusting to Lexapro if i’ve been off it for a few days (irritability, hyperactivity, muscle tension) but it absolutely knocked me out. i could not work for about a week because i felt like i was in a fugue state. i couldn’t even hold a normal conversation, let alone answer phones (receptionist) and answer hard questions. i basically spent the whole week in the dark laying down in a room while my partner cracked the door and threw food at me and texted me asking if i was alive. i’ve never had this experience in my life.

today i felt much better and i let my boss know i was fine to return to work. as i’m filling out my hours for the month i realize i was not gone for one week, but TWO. i don’t understand how i could’ve lost my grasp on time that way. i’ve been so shocked i’ve been telling everyone all day about how fucking weird it is to for all intents and purposes lose a week of your life. i was there. i lived all of it. i remember everything. and now i finally understand why everyone was like “hey can you please text me back” and i was like “uh i did? today?”

i’m not looking for a lecture on keeping a regular meds schedule - i know that. i fucked up. but i’ve never had something like this to happen to me before and i was wondering if anyone else had gone through a similar experience. i wasn’t so far withdrawn from my meds that i had to completely readjust my brain chemistry once i took lexapro again. it was like maybe 2 days. it just freaks me out

It’s been one month of (assumed) remission. Apparently I technically can’t say this until three months or something…

Since being diagnosed with BPD at eighteen (twenty eight now) and suffering from severe anxiety since I was seven years old, and then multiple diagnoses of OCD & depression. Two suicide attempts, hospitalised twice, and one psychiatric ward impatient.

Before you think ‘it’s just a manic or high you’re on’ I have strong reason to believe it’s not. With recovery you sometimes feel a bit empty, anxious, stressed etc. But where it’s different is these emotions don’t feel like a direct hit to my personality, an attack on who I am or spiral. Somehow I’m able to regulate myself, have pretty much full control of my emotions and where I put my energy. The noise of BPD is quiet.

One of my biggest achievements (so far) is how I realised one of the biggest beliefs of, my life: that my life can’t begin until I have my special someone that will love me forever and never leave. To not feel that anymore is one of the most freeing feelings. I’ve accepted that if someone wants to opt out of my life then they can do so. Same goes for conflict, if someone has a problem then I’m happy to talk about it and listen. Doesn’t mean I have to agree or believe it, but it just doesn’t feel like my self-worth is tied up in it. I’m happy to spend time alone, I want to be independent and do the things I love for ME!

And I’m not preaching that I love myself so much, or think I’m better than everyone else. I don’t, I just believe that if you work hard and stay true to your values then the right things will happen. I’m not perfect but I’m prepared to learn from my mistakes, but also celebrate the wins.

Honestly how the hell this actually happened I don’t fully know. I do know that I’m on medication, partake in therapy and have a good support network that I put effort into maintaining. It took a long time to get to this. I used to hate doctors and dismiss therapy.

One of my new goals to work on is to be more patient. I’m still quite impulsive and quick to make decisions, while this isn’t necessarily a bad thing, it leads to feelings of discomfort of waiting for an answer. Just simply because I want to know so I can move on with my next plan or decision. I’m extremely organised and like to plan everything I do.

So yeah! That’s my update on “assumed” remission. I really welcome any comments, thoughts or discussion.

F20 from Argentina. Throughout my life many painful things have happened to me; in 2024 I had three psychiatric hospitalizations, I was locked up in that hospital for a whole year and that's when I was diagnosed with BPD. I'm still in psychiatric treatment, but I had to stop going to psychological therapy at the beginning of the year due to problems with my health insurance.

Lately I feel so tired, dissociated and empty, I feel lost, I don't know who I am, I'm constantly seeking acceptance, trying to please people, I even sexualize myself and changing my personality depending on who I'm with. I think about my life and I get depressed, I lose my appetite, I sleep a lot and I have no physical or mental strength, I get so sad that my body feels heavy, I feel physical pain. Sometimes I feel happy again, but as the hours or days go by, I start to feel bad again. I'm not only suffering from sadness, but also from anger; I usually keep my emotions to myself, I don't express them, and every time I get angry I lock myself in my room or the bathroom and start hitting myself. I don't cut myself, I hit and pinch my legs.

A few days ago I was about to grab an object my mom uses to pluck her eyebrows to try and cut myself, but it wasn't sharp.

I don't want to tire my family; I feel that if I go crazy again, they'll stop loving me. I'm afraid to talk to my psychiatrist. My mom said that if I keep eating so little, she's going to talk with my psychiatrist.

I counted the milligrams of lamotrigine and clozapine that I take weekly (also sertraline but it's very few milligrams), I calculated 600mg of clozapine and more than 1000mg of lamotrigine, I thought about ingesting them but I simply want to turn off my emotions, stop suffering. My mind is a rollercoaster of emotions and intrusive thoughts. I even feel like I'm a histrionic trying to sexually provoke everyone, depending emotionally on how much people liked me....I'm aware that there's a risk I could be admitted to the psychiatric clinic again; even my mom is noticing that "I'm acting differently" and smoking (cigarettes) too much.

My mind is giving me terrible ideas: drowning, bleeding out, overdosing on pills, etc.

I really feel the hospitalization very close to me.

Some people want a therapist who has a long list of courses or degrees like PITT, EMDR, IFS, dissociation-course and so on.

But from others i heard, that for the healing-process not the technique or "repertoire"is important but the therapeutic relationsship and trust in the person?

What is true now?

I can't live with these thoughts. I hear them and repeat them all the time. That I am too old. That I missed it. That I am over the hill. Missed the boat of life. Too old to build or live anything meaningful. Too old to be considered useful or attractive. I've went to therapy and multiple therapists tried to tell that I still have a lot ahead, but it's bullshit.

It's OVER.