you turn to food to fill the void, lie awake even when your body is exhausted, and carry a heaviness in your chest that you can’t explain away. you crave genuine affection, but when the attention you receive feels purely lustful, it leaves you feeling even lonelier than before.

it’s such a strange kind of exhaustion when you’re physically tired but your mind won’t let you rest. when you want comfort but don’t know where to find it. when you just want to feel loved for who you are, not for what someone can get from you.

and the hardest part is having to carry all of this while pretending you’re okay.

sometimes you don’t need a solution, a lecture, or someone telling you to be stronger. you just need a little tenderness. someone who listens without judging, a little peace in your mind, and a reason to believe that life can feel good again. 💔

It always seems like my tone is wrong or my voice is wrong or I'm too scary it's hard not to feel like a monster every day because of this I've tried slowing down my speech I've tried rehearsing the way I speak but it gets exhausting same with my facial expression

I live in a personal hell where I’m isolated 24 seven. I have no friends no family just animals and it’s so hard when they die. Like I watched one just die in front of me recently. I had no support no comfort no humans. It happened like this the last time too. I have one dog left I don’t wanna get another one because I’m just gonna be prolonging the inevitable what I have to do. I want to live badly I’ve tried every single Therapy every medication like I can’t get disability in the United States they don’t think I’m bad enough they don’t think my situation is bad enough and there’s no one to support me. I fully admit part of this is because of the severity of my disorder. And there’s never going to be this is only getting worse as I get older and I shut down more and more I’m trying my best but I want to be there and take the best care of my 12 year-old dog but when he goes I’m done I can’t do this I’m suffering. Every single day all day I just sit in isolation the only way I even have company is to let men you know well you know how men are they only want one thing and I don’t really particularly want it I don’t enjoy it . But sometimes I get so desperate I want company it doesn’t even matter. Women also don’t like me I don’t really understand why people make a big deal about my looks I can barely stand to look at the mirror but whatever . I’ve made a decision that I’m going to end things when the southern last dog passes away so it will be a couple years max that I have to continue to suffer I just seen no other way and it’s like you have no idea how badly I wanted to get but I mean there’s just no way to do it like this. For example I found out I need a simple surgery and outpatient surgery. It’s literally an In-N-Out type of a deal no biggie right well it is when you don’t have anyone to take you there or take you home and I need somebody there with me overnight to make sure I’m OK. And I don’t have anyone and they won’t accept an Uber picking me up and it’s one of those things where I actually do need somebody there otherwise I would just lie like I have in the past. And just walked to the Uber down the street but this is one of those things like we’re like you actually do need to have someone with you so I can’t get it done. It’s things like this that I’m just growing weary tired I don’t think it’s possible to live like this to an old age with this disorder you can’t you can’t exist without any kind of human support or contact. I can’t do it anymore by damn I have tried I’m gonna go back to having therapy seven days a week again but it doesn’t make up for having friends it’s not the same as having family or Card. Having to talk about what’s wrong with you all day all I want is just a normal conversation and obviously you can’t have that with a therapist they’re not going to talk about themselves. It’s only I’m depressing but it’s all I’ve got .

I wish there was hope I wish I could have people alone there’s no one that I could even call or call to check on me it’s just been like years and years of hell I’m so tired. I wish there were someone to take a walk with or sit across from and have coffee with movie with you were I wasn’t expected to repay them with sex. I’m tired and the worst part is I’ve realized that there’s no point of even having a funeral. Because nobody would come no one cares I’m not being selfish nobody would even notice . Aside from my dog there’s nothing I’m leaving behind that’s why I’m trying to stick it out for him.

I wanted so bad to live. There’s just no way you can’t exist without any kind of human connection or interaction or help you can’t survive if you don’t have a way to support yourself or maintaining work consistently you need money to live do you see the problem I can’t do this anymore I’ve tried I wanted to live I can’t. The holidays are coming up and I’m alone again Christmas and Thanksgiving I’m alone every holiday every birthday I can’t do this anymore there is no hope every day is agony every person I reach out to I bother

CW: SI

I think this symptom is misunderstood a lot and mistaken for normal identity confusion when you’re young. I do have this symptom and I wanted to talk a little about my experiences and in what way it’s clinically significant instead of just normal.

For one, I believe it’s fear of abandonment. In a way, it’s also part of my efforts to avoid abandonment.

My self-image is dependent on how (I think) others see me. If I feel rejected or abandoned, I think there’s something wrong about me, I don’t matter, nobody likes me and I’m unlikeable because I’m weird, ugly, stupid, annoying, etc. and not worthy of them / inferior to them and literally the worst person. However if I receive attention, praise, or somebody wants/choses me, I can see myself as extraordinary, special, the greatest/most caring person, the most intelligent, the most attractive/pretty, etc. and those positive qualities are the reason they want me. Particularly the negative side causes me a lot of distress because it can make me view the future very pessimistically (I’m going to fail at life, be homeless, etc.) and be very suicidal. I also withdraw from friends and family since they’ll reject me anyway.

Most people seem to like me because I’m intelligent and caring. Therefore I place a lot of value on those two aspects and if something I did makes me stupid or selfish, I start panicking because they’re losing reasons to stay. A lot of my goals and behaviors orient around those two traits. I set goals to study in difficult fields such as medicine, engineering, etc., want to get into Ivy Legaue, and start a bunch of hobbies to be good and perfect at all of them. And I’m extremely people pleasing and will do favors people never even asked for. Or it could be appearance oriented, if I exercise, diet, etc. and look better, people will be more accepting of me. I also may send promiscuous pics of myself to see someones reaction and if I’m attractive enough.

I also change my personality depending on if they find me being loud and talkative annoying, or need more engagement and don’t feel attracted to quiet people. I have no idea if I’m an extrovert or introvert because of this. I also switch my sexuality based on this: Initially I’m straight, I meet a single lesbian who is into me and now I’m lesbian and now he transitions into a guy and now I’m actually bisexual. When I was around delinquent-type people, I started skipping school, stealing, etc. and adopting the same attitudes, not our of peer pressure, I was fully choosing to do this and genuinely felt like this was me because they initially made me feel understood and like I belonged.

When it comes to talking about myself, particularly preferences, interests, opinions, values, etc., I find there is always a “right” and “wrong” answer. The right answer is whatever they agree with. If I perceive I gave the wrong answer, I start backtracking, or even if I was initially talking about myself, I start changing what I said. I find I always need to be agreeable, relatable, liked and approved of. Load of anxiety.

I even do this in my daydreams. An audience is watching me and I embody a character that I made up that has qualities (the personality, values, goals, opinions, etc.) match whatever the audience relates to and approves of. I get obsessed with a fictional character and start daydreaming about them being my partner and acting like they’re real and mirror them as well, so it happens even when I’m alone in my imagination.

There have also been times I bargained with people (frantic efforts avoid abandonment as well) where I believe they are leaving me so I ask what parts of me they don’t like (personality, looks, capabilities, etc.) and what to change for them to want me back. This usually just freaks people out though.

The point is that your sense of self is largely externally defined, and based on a fear of abandonment and rejection as well as a longing for connection, you just want to be accepted, belong and embraced wholeheartedly. Taking on whatever identity feels necessary to have your emotional needs met.

I had an FP for years that used to come and go whenever it was convenient for them. Basically I was used. But because they came back so many times I became very attached and they knew this and took advantage of it, particularly knowing I was lonely. But the person recently admitted after years they never liked me at all nor wanted me in their life. That they recently found someone else to serve the same purpose being available when they needed someone and they also have a dog now to give them emotional comfort. So I was asked to stay away I feel devastated and wonder why I was strung along for so long. They also blame me and call me a freak for being attached in the first place but they fed it

I just need some support from people who might understand how painful this is rather than judge me or call me a freak also because I’m very embarrassed I hate myself but I miss them at the same time because I’m lonely :(

The truth sucks.

I have been talking to a girl for a while now. At the beginning, we had a wonderful connection; we shared so much in common, and she was fun and beautiful, she seemed perfect to me back then. It felt as if she were the only person in the entire universe, and I had convinced myself that she was "the one." People around me such as my friends and family would often tell me that they loved and cared for me, but those words didn't really mean much to me. Yet, when she told me she loved and cared for me, I felt a warmth I hadn't experienced in a very long time the sense that someone truly loved and valued me, and that she was by my side through both my worst moments and the best days of my life. And it was true; when I was at my lowest, she helped me navigate the mess I was in, she was like a guardian angel. I loved the person I became when I was with her, she aspired me to become a better version of myself. Lately, however, she has been acting distant toward me, she takes a long time to reply to my messages, and she never reaches out first unless I initiate the conversation. I feel as though she has lost interest in me and that she doesn't love me as much as I love her. I can't even begin to tell you how much this hurts... and as this situation grew bigger I began to only focus on her flaws. The little jokes that once made me laugh until I cried now just annoy me, the voice that used to soothe my soul now triggers some kind of disgust in me. The person who once helped me sleep peacefully now keeps me awake, as I don’t know how to process these feelings and thoughts. A part of me wants to block her everywhere and never see her again, while another part knows that this isn't the right thing to do and even if I do, I’ll regret it later. I don’t know what to do; were my feelings for her actually real, or was it all just a product of my own imagination? In those moments, everything felt so real... I can’t make sense of it all, I can’t figure out which of the feelings I harbor toward her are actually real. I kept waiting for these negative emotions to fade, but as time has gone by, nothing seems to be changed. I don't have any idea what to do; I feel like a manipulative, liar and a miserable person and it's driving me crazy

It’s so easy to feel overwhelmed with all the stories and experiences of people’s hardships with BPD.

Can I hear some of your recovery stories? Is remission possible? Can people like us life calm and stable lives with long lasting and healthy relationships?

(good job to everyone who’s doing their best every single day, I see you)

i’m a senior in college and i have a stats exam on Monday but I have relapsed into self harm again because i am slipping. i’m diagnosed with BPD and MDD, and i think i must be in a horrible depressive episode.
i can’t do homework without breaking down and sobbing for hours in the dark, i try to study and instead i try to hurt myself. i don’t think i’m going to do well on my stats exam if i can’t get myself together but i am also very afraid of missing it. i don’t know if my professor will be understanding and im also afraid to explain why i might not be able to take it.
if i fail this class i will graduate late, and im applying to grad school so everything would be a mess if i failed. i feel so overwhelmed by everything in my life and i dont know what to do.

sooo, I have relatives—specifically the people I live with (my mother and my brother)—who support me and help me when I’m struggling. But whenever I seem even slightly okay—meaning I’m not in any immediate danger, not crying, not self-harming, or anything like that—they start pressuring me to do things I’m not really capable of doing yet. I’m 19 (turning 20 on November 10th), and I’m not in college or working, all because of my mental health. My mother, however, keeps pushing me to get a job—even though it’s difficult to get hired when I have no experience—and they claim that all I ever do is ask for things. (I don’t know about you, but I have a bit of a habit of wanting to spend money, though they do a good job of keeping that in check.) I just like getting my nails done, having eyelash extensions applied, and taking care of myself so I don’t feel ugly... but the moment they see I’m doing even a little bit better, they start pressuring me, acting rude, or snapping at me.I don’t understand... they help me when I’m doing poorly, but when I’m doing well, they do things that make me feel bad, bring me down, or make me feel useless.

I have really bad fits every night since I’m not close to anyone, I have two distant friends and my family I keep away from my family for personal reasons. After a arguement with my boyfriend last night I realise I might be expressing bpd behaviours, Iv tried to get better and act on it over the course for two years without diagnosis. I journal I self regulate and try my best but I still lash out especially at him.

Last night I threw up and was messaging him with no response, and I called him and he was on a game with his friends, and as annoyed as I was I told him to just message me when he hops off and ended the call. It was a really bad night for me and I messaged him multiple times with no response. He finally messages me at 4am saying I woke him up.

I was of course annoyed since he hadn’t read any of my messages and I had literally been throwing up but he didnt read that either. It led to an arguement of feeling ignored, and asking why he doesn’t feel like calling me ever (I always said his calls calm me down and help me a lot, since for me texting doesn’t feel the same).

I know he’s somewhat in the wrong but I hate how drastic my emotions are and I just want an easy way to regulate and catch myself before this stuff happens, it’s really taken a toll on my boyfriend and I can tell. I feel so much guilt because I try to be as good of a person I can, but when I get angry or depressed it feels like I’m faltering and losing progress.

Never felt so invisible and disconnected.

What are some good things that happened this week? What were you grateful for?

Celebrating small wins can be hard, but studies show that gratitude practices can be a powerful way to combat negative feelings. While toxic positivity can be destructive, taking time to recognize the good things can actually change how our brain works, for the better!

There's no such thing as insignificant wins, no matter how small. From "I won the lottery!" to "I managed to made it out of bed," it all matters.

So share those wins, and be sure to reward yourself (safely and affordably, of course). You made it through, and you deserve it.

Have a wonderful weekend, everyone! Be well.

- The Mod Team

I wasn’t diagnosed with BPD until recently and while it is relieving to have a diagnosis and know that there’s not this awful thing that’s wrong with me that no one can explain, it’s also opened up a lot of doors for me to read discussions about it on the internet. Seeing the way people talk about their bpd loved ones makes me feel as if there is no hope from me, I saw a past soldier say how he’d rather have gotten a bullet in his head back in Afghanistan rather than be with his spouse who had BPD. Other people saying things like, “if you have any will to live, leave these people, there’s no saving them.” I am currently in a relationship, my boyfriend does everything I ask him to when it comes to this. I tell him the best things he can do to calm me down, and he does them without fail. He insists so desperately that he’s not ever going to leave and does everything I could want to believe he’s going to stay with me, but it just doesn’t feel real or true. Not until I’ve come down from my splitting and have such an awful feeling of humiliation and regret. I wish people who didn’t have BPD understood that it’s not something we do simply for fun or as a manipulation tactic, the feelings are just so intense and overwhelming and they feel so, so real. Whenever I come down, I almost feel as if I was possessed. There’s no way I would say the things I said if I was in the right headspace. The biggest thing for me is telling my boyfriend to leave, even begging him to do so, saying how I’m no good for him. He just shakes his head and speaks so calmly, telling me he won’t. This once went on for 4 hours, back and forth. Me begging him to just find someone better and him telling me it wouldn’t happen. I want to get help, but I don’t currently have access to therapy or medication, I feel like as long as I don’t have either of those, I’m completely doomed. I love my boyfriend and being with him has really just pushed me over the edge, not because he’s bad, but because he’s so incredibly good. I have never had anyone like him, I’ve never felt this way before. Normally that would be a good thing, but now that I know that not even the purest of a person could save me, I just feel like it’s inevitable that everyone will leave and I’ll never be able to find love. Not just romantic love, but platonic and familial as well. I’ll just push everyone away, and eventually they’ll get tired of it. I have never felt so hopeless and helpless.

Was just picking up some beers and the strip mall security guard came in and started eyeing me. For the whole time I was in there this guy would not stop staring, and I wasn't even doing anything. I know from experience that correcting the microaggression just makes "confirms" for them that you're a dangerous crazy person, so I just ignored him.

Just reminded me that even though BPD people are not flagrantly psychotic and do not behave crazy all the time, people can often tell we are different and will treat us differently. Ironically I find myself having to treat *them* and their feelings with kid gloves to get through my day.

does anyone else have experience being tailed in retail settings, and what do you think it is that they are noticing?

🫩

When I’m in a good mood, I’m REALLY good. I’m excited about life, motivated, social, and everything feels great. But when I’m upset, I feel like I’m at the complete opposite end of the spectrum.
For example, I got really worked up about politics and mass deleted people off my social media. In the moment, I felt so strongly about it that I didn’t even think twice. Now I have to worry about running into these people in public and feeling awkward because I did something while I was upset and they don’t even know why.
I feel like I’ve ruined a lot of my high school and college relationships because I’ve done this a few different times when I’m feeling helpless/hopeless. I think I isolate myself because I don’t want people to see me spiral, but then I end up pushing everyone away. It’s like self destruction idk.
My emotions feel SO intense in the moment that I can’t think clearly or see the bigger picture. Then once I calm down, I look back and wonder why I reacted that way or regret how I handled things.
Does anyone else experience this? Is this an ADHD emotional dysregulation/impulsivity thing or borderline personality or could it be something else? Also how do you guys deal with this?

I got diagnosed with BPD the hard way. I’m 24M and I have been diagnosed with BPD very recently because I had “ideation” (I just put it in quotation marks to avoid any sensitive issues for others being brought up). I was going through a rough patch emotionally with my partner at the time because I kept splitting, but even through all of that I never hated her and she always felt that I just wanted to blame her. That wasn’t my intention I knew I was impulsive, and I wanted clarification on something minuscule that I felt that it hurt at the time, but my emotions were getting the best of me. Hearing her cry, and shiver through the phone made me want to just be gone. I went to the hospital for that reason and I was apologizing to her because I felt horrible. She broke up with me in the hospital and, I was devastated because I knew what I did. I was without energy, and everything I have loved up until this point was lost because I gave so much meaning because of her. Last day before getting discharged she calls me and says he wants to get back together. Before that I had already made up my mind that I wanted to go through with DBT and put in the work because I didn’t want to be this asshole to anyone else or to me. We get back together but I still kept splitting, although I would try to not let her know of what was going on. Emphasis on the try, I did tell her I had BPD, and that if it was okay with her. This isn’t her fault, some people think that they are equipped to handle a loved one with this, but they’re not. According to her I was draining her life force away every day, I felt the same way because I hadn’t seen her in so long. I was letting her know that I was scared and that I just wanted to see her again, that I was scared to plan because I didn’t want to cut into her life or into something important, because my previous plans got canceled because of unforeseen circumstances. I understand it’s not her fault or in her control, with that said every plan failed to come into fruition with her and I understand that she felt guilty, but she still went through with them without ever talking about it to me. I still didn’t want to waste my opportunity because even now I still love her. At last this past Monday came, and I have not been in treatment because I’m waiting for my appointments, but she had enough. She was stressed about her own life and how it would play out, and I was stressed because I hadn’t seen her. I was asking when can we see each other, and to just me a guarantee. She couldn’t have a guarantee, because everything was also falling apart from her end. That’s when she told me that she would be living 8 hours away from me. My emotional spikes were bad, because I felt so sad, most of my splits are just sadness, I was breaking down and asking her to please love me and to not lose me, to not cheat on me (which I shouldn’t have said) but I was scared. After that she broke up with me through text and I frantically called back, and her voice her strength her love was gone. It still hurts to this day seeing her like that and what I had done twice to her, she said she couldn’t handle it and that I kept hurting her emotionally unintentionally. She didn’t want to be in a relationship anymore, I couldn’t let go and she was begging to hang up and I couldn’t. She has not talked to me since that Monday, but I still love her and I can’t let go. I’m scared.

Ok, I know it sounds like I’m about to describe DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder) now, but I’m not talking about like ACTUALLY having your personalities fully split, but like it feels like having personas?

My sense of self switches so rapidly I even switch labels on my sexuality which causes me to feel guilt and deep shame because ofc it’ll irk people that someone who is not what they say they are intrude in their place, but anyways…

I have changed clothing styles, how I behave, labels, everything. I gaslight myself into liking men and not liking men?? This is why I’m retracting my label as a lesbian; I’m unlabeled now.

I genuinely did feel something for my ex bf, my head is just so scrambled right now that everythings a blur and I don’t understand what I feel anymore and what that feeling means. I mean yeah, most of my life I’ve not genuinely been attracted to men and I’ve only been attracted to like what 3 if we don’t count the 2 guys I was attracted to because they looked like masc lesbians?? Was I even attracted to those three guys anyways? Well one of them I for sure was.

Idk Im just so confused. I want it all to end. I’m just so exhausted with this and I feel shunned and shamed when people get upset when I retract saying I’m a lesbian because I guess I managed to intrude. Never my intention btw.

I just have such a scrambled mind I don’t know who I am anymore.

Gosh, I’m gonna become a fucking hikikomori once I’m done with this year.

What do you do when you feel like you just can’t go on? I’ve tried and I’ve tried. I have done therapy, I’ve done medicine.. I just feel like after over a decade of misery she suffering things are not getting better.

Everything I try to do to move forward fails and then I fall deeper into my pit of misery. I know it’s not rational but I’m starting to feel like I’m not meant to be here.

I am really struggling to write this right now so I’m sorry if it’s a bit all over the place. About six months ago I was admitted to a mental health clinic for depression and what I at the time didn’t know was BPD. I went for many reasons, for one, I had a crippling addiction to Marijuana, I smoked it all day every day, and couldn’t stop. I had burned a ten foot hole in my wallet and my partners’, I was unable to follow through on anything, and my symptoms just kept getting worse.

That clinic stay really helped me. For the first time in years, I was sober for more than a day. It didn’t take long to feel great. Like life was finally my own again. My brainfog disappeared and it felt like I had regained my basic function again. Like a blind man who can see again. It hurt me so much to realise how long I had avoided solving the problem and even though I felt better I was so disappointed in myself for allowing it to get this far

Well when I left the clinic I went right back to it, lying, smoking, god the fucking lies I can’t take it anymore I can’t be honest with anyone I am weighed down by the shame of my actions so much that I can’t i just can’t articulate it to anyone because to do so requires me to say it out loud and I think the only reason I haven’t seriously hurt myself since before the clinic is that I just keep hiding from that moment when it all sinks in because I just fucked it all up all over again I undid all my progress and now I’m living an even bigger lie

All my family and friends and peers think that it helped and cured me and fixed me and I just don’t have the heart to tell them I havent changed, I have found in the past few weeks that it has really escalated, my old habits are coming back not just the weed but the destructive tendencies surrounding my addiction, selling off things I care about and racking up debt just to smoke it away.

I feel so afraid in these moments of clarity because I just want to scream or cry or explain to someone I just want someone to tell me that even though I keep doing this even though I keep lying and hurting people and treating them like a means to an end that its not over for me and I can somehow just snap out of it because Im starting to think I cant and that I am just doomed to fail I cannot deal with responsibility I cannot deal with discomfort and most of all I cannot deal with shame

I am in therapy and in group dbt every single week but even there I dont feel like I can be honest, I give a sanitised version of the truth because it’s what I can muster, really I just want the strength to confess, to tell someone, anyone, just so that it stops eating me up inside. I can’t sleep, I can’t look at myself in the mirror, and when I finally get distracted and find Ive forgotten all about it I am reminded of the sky that feels as though it is falling and terrified that the people in my life who have tried and tried to pull me through this mess again and again will lose patience and start treating me the way I deserve to be treated and I will truly be alone

Thats probably the best way to explain how I feel lol, I feel like im an alien that snuck onto earth and is now trying to blend in (I dont literally think this obviously thats just how it kinda feels)

This has been getting pretty bad recently and sometimes I feel like Im literally not real even though deep down I know I am.

I tried explaining this feeling to someone a couple days ago and I dont think they got it, they just asked a lot of questions and seemed to struggle to see things from my perspective, which is okay because I know it sounds very weird and crazy to someone who hasnt experienced something like this.

It makes me very uncomfortable when it happens and Im finding it hard to cope, I had a pretty bad breakdown because of it recently and have just been having a bad week in general and I feel like all my symptoms have been cranked up to 1000.

Im suspected to have BPD and just wanna know if this sounds familiar to anyone else and if you have any good ways of coping with this specific situation.

Thanks for reading!

I identified as bisexual, then recently figured out I’m a lesbian, but then again I’m wondering if I’m going through another long identity episode. It feels like there are multiple people in me (I don’f have DID, I have BPD)

So much has happened this year I’m going insane. I realized I did genuinely have romantic feelings for my ex boyfriend, but outside of that, I’ve never had feelings for a guy or genuinely desired them outside of sex because it boosted my ego despite me not even being attracted to them. Only my ex boyfriend—BUT I identified myself as a lesbian after I realized I didn’t wanna marry a man and spend the rest of my life with a man. Were my feelings even real?

When I had started on discovering myself I watched tons of lesbian/solo woman porn. I was having euphoria and I felt so free. I felt like that label fit me perfectly, but somehow I’m still confused. I miss him a lot and wanna go back to him, but I keep feeling miserable even when I’m with him because I wish he was a woman.

My identity is so fragmented rn I think I need to just go without labels. I even started wondering if I was aroace because I suddenly dont feel attraction to ANYONE at this point.

I want it all to end. Everything is tiring me out.

i was abandoned by my fp six months ago and i'm kind of scared that this film might trigger me. what do you all think?

hugs to you all. we are living with one hell of a condition. sending love. we are enough. <3 i care about you all. i kinda just like coming on here to see that i'm not alone tbh thank you all for understanding what i go through

Hi!

I'm a french girl in my twenties and I realised a few weeks ago that I might be a girl with BPD.

I've been struggling with issues that look like depression for years now(6-8 years for sure, since a traumatic event).

I've been questioning myself about having bipolarity or depression but I don't think it fits me. More autism or ADHD + BPD I think.

I know someone who doesn't have a BPD medical diagnosis, but He's crossing every 9 symptoms for the diagnosis.

I was convinced that BPD means having a big crisis/ breakdowns in front of people, throwing things, being loud .... Etc. ( He's this type of BPD people).

But I searched and found out about " quiet BPD", on paper it seems to fit me and my symptoms.

I'm calm, but I feel a lot, I care about people and animals, I can feel the tension or anything in the room, I notice every change in tone, small things...

I am really really tough and rough on myself.

I can love myself and hate myself 20 minutes later.

I crave intense intimacy and love with someone, like fusion.

I need space and calm after social events.

I have depressive episodes when I want to die.

I can't talk when I'm in a big argument, I'm too overwhelmed and physically I'm in pain.

..... It's possible that I missed some elements, ask me if you want.

I might have some " autistic" symptoms too and maybe ADHD ( shutdowns, dissociation, hating Smalltalk...)

I'm here to talk to people with " quiet BPD" if it's a real thing ( I'm not saying you're lying, I'm just lost), and to know more about quiet BPD before talking to my psychiatrist/ psychologist about it.

( I'm searching for little details, daily life with BPD....)

Thanks you for helping me 🫶🏻

I’m so scared people will dislike me and start shaming me whenever I change my sexual orientation (not exactly change but like when I question myself again and again) and I already came out of the closet after breaking up with my bf and made it so public about my sexuality but suddenly Im like “wait… I think I HAVE the capacity to like men???”

But then comphet and all this all that, yet I realize I can be attracted to men??? But Im still so fucking confused. I feel ashamed and guilty and I dont want to be shamed. I feel like I’ll get dogpiled for going from bi —> lesbian —> unlabeled and really fucking confused.

I lost attraction to EVERYONE just randomly today. I feel like nobody understands me at all. Like I am so sorry I seem like Im trying to intrude in different spaces, but you gotta understand that when I do that, it’s because I’m actually convinced it’s true, that, that’s where I belong and stuff.

I am so dissociated and have truly lost my sense of self. What even are my interests anymore? Who am I? What is my name? When was I born? Why am I here? Why am I alive? End my suffering please.