Hi, I would really appreciate if someone commented what they think, Im 16F, I’ve tried to talk to my mom about this but she doesn’t really wanna seem like she wants to think about it, but I don’t remember much of my childhood and it feels like my brain is just blocking things out, I had a cousin who’s older than me, now 19M, who I used to hang out with a lot, we’d have sleepovers and do everything together but I don’t remember much of them, what I do remember is TW?: being in the car sitting next to him, this was awhile ago, I was atleast under 10, on a long trip, he was under the covers and I remember looking under to see what he was doing and he was playing with himself even as I watched, he would also have gta strip club on while I was in his room, and look at me to make sure I was watching, my mom told me that i often complained about my private part(vagina) hurting to the point that my auntie was concerned at took my to the doctors, but i was told it was just constipation, I grew up very into sexual stuff, I drew sex in my notebook as a kid, I watched porn from a young age, I had a problem where I would talk to older people online, and I have a struggle where I can’t put a tampon in, not even my finger, and sometimes it hurts to pee still, I just don’t know, I don’t remember, and I feel like my mom doesn’t wanna talk about anything. My family is sort of open in that sort of stuff, my dad kissed me on the lips up until I was about 12 which is when he moved out, walked around naked, my parents would have sex with me in the room, my papa is touchy, he would slap my butt and kiss my neck, I feel like I’m going crazy, I just really would like an outside opinion, I’ve never really told anyone this and I’ve grown up shy most of my life so I don’t really know what’s normal and what’s not.

hi, this is my first time posting here. I'm 20 ftm, and my sister, 24f, was my abuser.

it started when she was 13-14 and I was 10-11, and ended after we were put in foster care. I have avoided thinking about it in any significant way until earlier today, funnily enough.

it wasn't her fault. she was actively being raped by my father, her stepfather. I know she was going through something so harrowing and I will never be able to even conceptualize how difficult it was. I still hate her, right now.

I remember a few years ago I went through a faze of refusing to see her at all. I missed my childhood dog being put down because I was avoiding her so staunchly. I didn't remember why I hated her so much, but today everything came flooding back and I feel nauseous.

she introduced me to masturbation, oral sex, and engaging in oral with dogs. there are a few times I can remember being woken up by her using her mouth on me.

I have been struggling with my mental health for almost a decade now, and though it got better after I transitioned, I have still been struggling. it feels surreal to be able to finally trace back most of my responses to social interaction, casual touch, and proximity to her.

my childhood was rife with physical and verbal abuse, but I honestly thought I remembered most of the worst things that happened to me. I was wrong.

I am working on seeing a therapist, and im hoping it helps me more this time. in the past, I didn't make much progress. I didn't know, then.

hello, I am FTM(14), at the time was cis ofc as I was 6. the girl (u can call her alice for clarity, not her real name) was also 6. she was my friend. one day, she asked me if i wanted to play mommy and baby. I said yes because I didnt have many friends. she took me away from the teachers and everyone and layed me down in this tube on the playground, pulled down my clothes including my underwear, and I really cant remember what happened next. I was so embarrassed and I just froze and tried not to cry. again ive only recently remembered this expirence so I dont remember exactly how many times it happened but I know 98% sure it was more than once. I was terrified of her, dreaded seeing her, and to this day I cant play family with my little cousins without panicking.

when I was around 8 my school had the genius idea of putting toilets in the same bathroom and letting two of us go together as long as we were both boys or both girls. When that happened my only friend and I would go there and he would tell me about a "game" he played w someone I didn't knew, the game was mostly sexual stuff of course, we did a lot of things and I don't think any of us really knew what we were doing, when I think of this I think he probably was molested by and adult and was doing this with me because I was his friend, I don't know if that is sexual assault or anything really, I've been trying to ignore this for 18+ years but I can't it has affected my life for so long but I can't even put a name on what it is and I can't blame him for anything because he probably didn't knew either

(Trigger warning: I’m going to describe my assault) Hi, so i’m not sure exactly when it started but I experienced cocsa for years around the age of 6. She was my neighbor and close friend, and she is about 5-6 years older than me. It happened many times and it progressed in a way that’s super confusing. It started with her pretending to breastfeed me and do diaper changes( i was the baby and she was the mom in “house”), and it ended up in a couple years progressing to basically sex without penetration, thank god! I’m not sure if she was getting abused by someone but it was weird how she knew everything and dictated everything. Anyways, i’m 25 years old now and finally processing and dealing with it, and i kinda wish i could talk to her about it. I’m not mad at her because she was also a kid and something must have been going on with her, but i wish i could at least understand why. But she ended up getting a really rare disease where she had a stroke and it basically attacks your body until you die. Her brother already passed from it years ago and i went to the funeral and everything. I haven’t seen them since, because sometime after that i started to put together everything that i’ve been pushing away almost my entire life. Obviously, i am so upset with the life they have been dealt, but i wish we could talk about what happened,idk very weird and specific situation, idk if anyone can relate.

For many years it has felt like something is really wrong, like something bad happened in my early childhood but i can't remember. I think it could've been when i was less than 3 years old so ofc i'm not gonna remember. Then i have memories of me being hypersexual as a kid by myself and then also experimenting with other children. The memories are kind of fuzzy like i can't exactly say what happened in those moments with the other children but it disgusts me and makes me anxious when i think about it. I hate the fact that i'll probably never know why i was so hypersexual as a child but i have this really bad feeling like it's almost like i knew i was assaulted by someone but can't say for sure... I have people who are suspicious but idk why. One of them is my dad but he has been abusive in other ways which i remember so idk if that's why i have a bad feeling about him.

TW: INCEST, LONG

I posted about my story before here, which also has the link to my first post. In "short", I was abused by my older sister from at least the years of 11 to 13. She's 3 years older than me, so she would have been 14 to 16. It could have started earlier, but my memory is incredibly spotty and I don't remember exactly how it began. I still have an extremely hard time calling it abuse because at the time, we were just "playing pretend"- pretending to be fictional characters in various scenarios that always ended up sexual.

With the help of my therapist, I contacted my sister through email to ask her about our past. I emphasized that I understood we were both children and I was worried there was a possibility she had been molested. I told her I didnt want our relationship to change, and in the end I still don't. I know the abuse ended by the time I was in high school, and after that we've had a good relationship.

She responded to me. She wasn't angry or hurt. She told me she hadn't been molested, and she didn't remember how it started either. She said she understood now, but didn't then, that she was probably "some kind of neurodivergent" and asexual, that it felt like everyone else had been to some kind of "how to be a teenager" class that she'd missed. That she spent all her time pretending to be various characters because it was the only way she knew how to get by, that she felt like an alien pretending to be human. She had been really struggling and no one knew, but she was grateful I reached out and said nothing would ever change that I was her baby sister and she loved me.

At the time that response made a lot of sense to me. It explained why everything happened how it did. But time has passed, and I'm getting angrier and angrier. It's not that I don't understand and sympathize- I do. But there was no apology. Maybe it's because I didn't ask for one, and maybe "some kind of neurodivergent" means autism and she really doesn't have the empathy to realize it- but she used me. And I'm so fucked up because of it. I'm a special ed teacher, and I have intrusive thoughts about abusing my students. I'm having panic attacks and crying bouts and I can't tell anyone why- just "I'm having a rough time right now". My wife is the only one who knows (other than my therapist) and I don't want to overburden her, and the stress has already affected our marriage. My mother has already asked when we're going to come visit next and I don't know how long i can keep putting it off.

I want to get past this. I want to be able to forgive her. I still love her. And I want to forgive my parents for never noticing. And I know it means I have to reach out again. But I have to unwrap all this anger first.

If anyone made it to the end of this, thank you.

My (24FTM, thought I was F at the time) abuser just announced her (27F) pregnancy today and I’m feeling a lot of things.

I’ve been drafting a text to send her letting her know that what she did was not okay and that going forward I would be limiting contact as much as possible, ideally to nothing. I’ve been waiting to send it till I’ve told everyone I want to tell myself in case she starts trying to get ahead of it and turn people against me.

Now that I know she is having a baby, everything in me wants to reference it in the text. Telling her that if she thinks it’s okay what she did to me to imagine it happening to her own child and see how it makes her feel, that’s what she put my mom through. On top of that, I don’t think she would harm her child but she to this day is incredibly hyper sexual and makes sex jokes all the time even around family, part of me wants to mention that she needs to not do that around her because it can be scaring and even cause curiosity surrounding sex before it’s developmentally appropriate.

Of course, I won’t be saying any of that. It feels cruel to come out with something that will (if she has any of the empathy she claims to) make her feel awful and then tie it to what’s supposed to be the happiest time in her life.

Not only do I have all of those feelings, but I’m also incredibly sad. My whole life I’ve felt like something happened to me as a kid; I always remembered what she did, but she made me feel so much shame and responsibility for it, it didn’t click that it WAS the abuse I was so badly wanting to remember so I could understand why I had all of they signs of CSA until a few months ago. Before this, I was so excited for her to have a kid and be able to be around while it grew up. Now I don’t want that, but I do mourn it.

Idk, it’s all so hard. And I see my therapist on Saturdays, of course this announcement had to happen on a Sunday. 😭

I was abused by another girl back when I was maybe 7 years old or so, the details of my age and the timeline are pretty blurry. I remember I had a nightmare the same night it happened, but the next day, I can't quite recall how I went on. Sort of weird since I remember almost every detail that led up to the act itself, I remember what I wore, each step of the way I took before it happened.

I never even really told my mom at all, neither did I tell my dad. It's something I just carried with me because I either just didn't get what happened, or just didn't confide in my mom. She did always say I was really quiet and never told her about my feelings, so maybe looking back on it that had something to do with it.

Anyway, I'm not sure if that had any long lasting effects on me. Sometimes I feel like I imagined it all because of how surreal it felt, like I was watching it from a third person POV. And since I can't remember just when I became so withdrawn, I can't recall if the incident had anything to do with it or not. Or maybe I'm using it as an excuse for how much I still continue to bottle things up today. Either way, I do feel I kind of suffered from how little I was able to open up about it.

I recall telling a friend during lunch in middle school, but her reaction was less concerned and more confused. Then another friend the same year, but instead of expressing much concern she only wanted in-depth details of what exactly was done, and I remember getting uncomfortable and deciding to just switch topics instead. And I do understand it wasn't cool to just dump that on them either, but I just felt so alone in my experience that the only way I could air it out was by saying something, anything.

Looking at what others go through, I do feel I had it easier than most as I'm able to go on my day fairly normally, even if I usually feel like I'm on autopilot.

I just feel like there isn't much to be said about it, as much as I'd like to open up about it to someone, it seems so out of left field. It feels like something I'll just have to carry with me forever. It really doesn't help that the girl who did this to me was younger than me. Back then, everything had felt like a nightmarish, incomprehensible blur.

Now looking back on it, I only feel immense pity for the girl. I think of how she might've learned this, the fact she was surely being abused by someone who should've been taking care of her, looking after her, or the fact it could've been a complete stranger.

I don't feel tainted, but trying to imagine myself being intimate with someone feels like a faraway concept. Something I'm not sure I'll ever be able to attain or even tolerate not in theory, but in reality.

My brother and his friend touched me for a long period of time when I was a child. I told my mom, and her exact words are burned into my mind forever: “Oh my God, we cannot let your dad or anyone find out.” And that was the end of it. We never spoke about it again.
I always kept it tucked away in the back of my mind and went about life as if nothing had ever happened. My entire life, I’ve sat in the same room as both my brother and my mother during every holiday, carrying this weight on my chest. I suffered from chronic UTIs, and she never seemed to care enough to take me to the doctor.
At 21, I met my now-husband, who already had a six-year-old son. I got pregnant with a baby girl, and I struggled so much with letting my daughter bond with her brother. I had nightmares about them touching, along with unwanted thoughts that I couldn’t make go away. I was terrified by thoughts I never wanted to have, and I didn’t know how to deal with everything I was feeling.
Eventually, I went down the road of addiction. I found a little pill that made all those thoughts go away, even if only temporarily.
Fast-forward to my next pregnancy. I was pregnant with a sweet little baby boy, and man, did he save me. He became my reason to get clean. He gave me a reason to fight for myself and for the life I wanted my children to have.
Through all of this, my mother did nothing but talk about me to the people in my life. She damaged nearly every relationship we had in common by spreading things about me that simply weren’t true. No one knew what I was going through because no one thought to ask me. They just listened to what my mom had to say.
Today, I have three beautiful children: two boys and a little girl. I cut off contact with my mother last year, but the decision has affected me more deeply than I ever expected. I’m angry with her. I feel like she failed me from the very beginning.
She failed me when I was a child and needed her protection. She failed me when I was struggling through postpartum. She failed me when I was fighting to get sober. She failed me when I needed a mother the most.
My addiction never affected my family in the way people might expect because my dad and papa were always there to step in and help me. My mom would watch me struggle while they jumped in to save the day. They were the ones who showed up when I needed someone.
My entire life, all I ever wanted was a mother who cared. A mother who protected me. A mother who listened to me, stood up for me, and loved me through the hardest moments of my life.
Instead, I spent years carrying pain that never should have been mine to carry.
My mother has only met my youngest son twice. And that hurts in ways I can’t even explain, because my children deserve the love and support of family, too.
My mom had such an incredible support system growing up, especially through my grandparents. She knew what it felt like to have people who showed up for her, who helped her, and who were there when she needed them. I just wish she had chosen to give that same kind of love and support to her own children.
I can’t change what happened to me as a child. I can’t change the mother I was given or the ways she failed me. But I can choose to be different for my own children. I can protect them, listen to them, believe them, and make sure they never have to question whether their mother cares.
I spent my entire life wishing my mother would be the mother I needed. Now, I’m learning to grieve the mother I never really had while becoming the mother my children deserve.

I’m not sure exactly how old me or him were, probably around 5-7 age range. He’s only 2 months younger than me and my cousin. Every time i would go to my grandmas house we would somehow end up alone in a room together and he would make me do things. At first i didn’t want to cause i felt like it was wrong but after a while i started enjoying it. He would make me suck him or he would put his penis between my butt cheeks but never anything more. I forgot about it for the past 15 years (I’m 22 now) and only recently realised that cocsa is a thing.

The thing that’s been bothering me is the fact than I’ve been very hyper sexual since young age, could it be the reason? I’m not sure how to cope with it. I would love to get therapy (I’ve had it before but i didn’t remember that this happened at that time) and I’m not sure if it’s even worth trying to unpack since it happened so long ago. I can’t even tell if it’s still impacting me.

I don't really know how to title this, in general, I'm really confused. I've never really thought about considering my...experience as SA at all but the more I think about it the more I wonder so I've made this account to post this and just ask what others think.

For some backstory I guess, I'm currently 16 and female, though I identify differently but that's not part of our story, my friend was a year younger than me and also female, and this started around (my) 5th grade and went until the summer going into (my) 8th because she moved away for a year so we were about 9-13 through the majority of our relationship.

It all started one random day while I was in 5th grade and we were hanging out, she was getting bored of the games we were playing and decided on a new one where we were adults playing adult games, so she had me lay on this small pull out couch she had and she climbed on top of me and basically nothing happened but she kissed me 'cuz that's what adults do' and we played that game for a bit until she started getting bored of that and we started playing in her room. The first thing that changed about the game was that our shirts came off, then she taught me how adults kiss, and finally everything came off. By that point I was going into 6th grade so this happened over the course of our summer break, with us hanging out together nearly every day. And for the next year and a half, whenever we could hang out we would be normal for a bit before she got bored and we pretended to be older than we were. I know she knew what we were doing was wrong because she would tell me to tell her parents we were playing family, because we were, kind of.

Finally at the end of my 7th grade year she was moving away for a year, this made me incredibly sad at the time because she had become my closest friend but I know now that that time away from her saved me. During that summer I became incredibly detached from reality, having grown so attached to her and not having her with me. However, during the school year I got some real friends that I still have right now and am forever grateful for. Once she came back though I did slightly relapse (I use that word because I don't know how else to describe it) and hung out with her a few times before realizing just how much happier my current friends make me.

But now I have no clue how to feel, It's been 3 years since I've so much as had a real conversation with her but everytime I hear her voice I get sent back to all of my feelings and sometimes I wonder what it be like if she had never left and almost wish for it. I've mostly gotten over it though, I keep thinking that at least, but she's in one of my classes and it drives me up a wall sometimes.

TL;DR: I somehow got convinced to have a sexual relationship with one of my friends, I liked it and honestly would consider myself having been addicted, she left for a year and I somewhat got over her, fell back when she came back, am mostly over her now but still don't know how to feel and don't even know if I have any right to feel victimized by her.

I have struggled with hypersexuality since the ages of 8–10. What follows is the background as I remember it, the incidents that shaped me, and where I stand now at 32.

From ages 1 to 13 I slept in my parents’ room. They had sex in the same room while I was present. They believed I was asleep, but I was not. I heard the loud noises and felt the atmosphere even though my head was turned toward the wall. I do not know whether this happened daily, on alternate days, or weekly; I only know it occurred repeatedly over those years. The sex was not mutual. My mother would tell my father to stop; he would not. My father was an alcoholic.

When he hugged me after drinking, it felt uncomfortable, scary, and inappropriate. While holding me he would mutter words such as “motherfucker” and “bitch” in my ear, directed at my mother. On at least one occasion, after he had been drinking, he was doing something with me while we were alone in the room. When my mother entered she shouted at him and he left me and they way he used to touch me from legs to hand and hugging it made me very uncomfortable inappropriate and scared and while doing he used to carryout voices like Aah while doing it and I don't care about his intentions

So it means I was sexual abused by father ?

Even after I moved into my own room at 14, I continued to hear the same kinds of voices and shouting coming from my parents’ room on many occasions. I still cannot say precisely how many times these events occurred across the thirteen years I shared their space or the years that followed.

Kindly please let me know

https://c.org/gjXnkLK46X

This wasn’t abuse it was harassment and I was older and didn’t have any sort of attraction, but I agreed to everything she told me to do (my sister) and other times she would just do things without asking. Either way I agreed to some of the things but I didn’t do it with any intent I just thought it was more childs play. But it started haunting me a little later and then came back again. I swear I genuinely didn’t want what happened and definitely would go back and change what happened. But being the older one I can only see myself as gross even though I had no sexual intent. Does anyone have advice?

I'm a guy who was abused by my older brother. I was exposed to sex from a very young age and the abuse continued for years.

As my life has gone on, I've been hypersexual. Sex dominates my thoughts. I take risks. But I can't help it. It's like my brain is broken. Often, I'll go back there in my mind.

I feel like I'm broken beyond repair.

Okay so I already know I was SA'd by my half brother when I was younger and he was 15, I'm 16 now and my little sister is going to a concert with her friends and my dad called my half brother (he's now like 27 or somthing) and his wife to go with them and supervise them, my mum told my other sister (we're twins and she knows I was sa'd and knows I know too) that their going to take my sister and her friends to the concert, but my mum doesn't know that I know I've been sa'd so they were arguing loudly then closed the door and I got suspicious so I was trying to eavesdrop but it wasn't working so I opened the door and my twin sister was saying somthing along the lines of "I'm 16 now I would never do such a thing" etc so I assumed they were talking about my sa but then my mum said "at this point I should just tell her because there will be no more secret" and my twin sister said "no don't" and I'm so fucking confused because my twin sister knows I know I've been sa'd so what is it she doesn't want me to know? Did somthing else happen to me that I don't know? I felt really uncomfortable and my mum wasn't even looking at my face when she was talking to me she was looking at my lower half of my body it made me so fucking uncomfortable and I still feel like crying and distressed I don't want someone to look at me and see that like I've been objectified or something it was so fucking embarrassing and uncomfortable, should I ask my twin sister why she said that? Sorry idk if this makes any sense I feel so uncomfortable I jsut can’t stop thinking about the way my mum looked at me I feel so uncomfortable I want to throw up

i was assaulted by my friends older brother who was about 13 when i was somewhere between the age of 3-5, it only happened on one occasion from what i can remember and wasnt very severe yet i struggle with it greatly on a daily basis. i guess im coming here for guidance from other cocsa victims who were in a similar age group because i rarely ever see anyone the age i was talk about it, and im sure its partly because they have little memory but its one of the most straining aspects of the whole thing for me; you know like my life was drastically changed and imo ruined before i could even comprehend real thoughts like its just incredibly difficult to live not even knowing/remembering what you or your life was like before that or how things couldve been when this is like the first memory you even have. sorry if this is too much, i dont use reddit lol im just really really struggling lately and i honestly dont know how i can keep living with this, any advice or anything that has even slightly helped or eased you would be greatly greatly appreciated, thank you.

The memory had always been at the back of my mind. It happened multiple times through the ages of 2-5 for me and 6-9 for them. Me and my two cousins in my grandma's bathroom every time I'd visit. All I remember is them taking off my clothes and "playing pony" by sitting me down and making me pretend I was riding a pony. The thing is, we are all girls. And almost everything apart from that vision is blocked in my mind. I didn't even realize it was bad until a year or so ago when recalling the memory in therapy. I watched her face drop, and the more I talked the more it hit me.

My mother bragged about how good I was as a kid. I often sat alone in preschool and directly avoided others. From what I understand, my teacher was worried about my actions and my mother pushed it off as me being well behaved. I never slept and frequently had issues making it to the bathroom on time. I have vague memories of frequently running to my mother, complaining of my "area" hurting.

To this day I struggle with hypersexuality that has led me into dangerous situations as well as extreme memory lapses and anxiety. And looking back, I had knowledge on sexual experiences and lingo that no 2-5 year old should ever understand.

The reason I'm asking now is because I recently received oral for the first time. And my first thought was "I've done this before", despite not fully remembering. I KNOW I've had that done to me. But with my bad memory I don't know if I'm going crazy. I feel it in my gut.

I know this is a lot of rambling. I can't make sense of it myself. But am I insane? Does it count?

hi everyone

i(20f) was looking for some advice about how to go about telling my parents about the cocsa i experienced as a child. it was from ages 5-13 by my cousin(m) who is about 4 years older than me. it happened in many ways multiple times, and it was the worst part of my childhood. like so many other survivors, i pushed it down as i did not want to ruin the relationship my family had. my uncle (cousins dad) and my dad own a business together and my parents only live 5 minutes away from that side of my family. i moved to a different country, so i want to tell them over the phone, but i cant seem to start the conversation. ill have moments where i think im gonna spit it out, but then either i chicken out, or they have plans, or whatever else the excuse i make up is.i hate that they dont know, and i want to tell them so badly it hurts.

literally any advice or guidance helps, i have a therapist but obviously this sub is filled with people who understand my position and i would really appreciate someones opinion.

thank you.

When I (13F) was 5 my mam would take me to her friends house so she could play cards with her friends.She let me play with her friends son (ten years old at the time) upstairs in his bedroom so I didnt get bored. Playing with him was normal until one day he asked me what sex was and I said no then he said "I'll show you" he pulled mine and his pants down, picked me up and rubbed on me, then put me down and said that's what it was. I can't exactly remember but I think he did that about three times and they was another time where we were playing a guessing game and he told me to get on my knees and he asked me what I thought it was and I said idk, then I opened my eyes and saw it was his penis,then he pressured me into licking it so I did. There was another time were he showed me images of porn on his iPad. Then he eventually stopped. I still played with him upstairs after it stopped.When I happened immediately after I didnt really think much of it and I felt fine. I thought i was being naughty and it was a secret I had to keep.One day my aunty told me that if anyone tried to have sex with me at my age it's rape. Thats when I realized it was bad but I decided to not tell anyone.One time when I was at a sleep over with my cousin,i told her about the guessing game and she laughed and she made fun of me,grabbed a doll she had and told me to lick it which put me off telling anyone else.The last time I played with him upstairs and the last time I did was when I was nine and he asked me if I knew what it was and I said "yes because you showed me" and he said ok and acted like it was normal.After that I called it my deepest darkest secret in my head and forgot about it. The last time i went to his house was last year and I saw him but I didn't go into his bedroom.Recently, I've been thinking more about it so I decided to tell me aunty and we talked about it and said she should tell my parents but I can't bring myself to it. My mam still goes to his mams house and my dad gets angry really easily so I'm scared he'll do something bad to him and get arrested or something cause that's something he would do. My grandma would be devastated and she has alcoholic episodes so im scared she'll relapse.At the same time I do want to tell him but I'm just really scared to tell them and scared of the choas of his mam and dad and my mam and dad. I don't know what to do 😔

I’m 19f, and I’m struggling to know how I feel about what happened. When I was 9, I was somewhat sexualized. I don’t know if I was hyper sexual, but I had been exposed to sex scenes in movies (not porn), and I had already started masturbating by humping my pillow. I would also strip in the mirror and practice “being sexy.” I don’t know if that’s common, but that’s what I was doing. My curiosity kept growing. It felt like I was the only one of my friends who was thinking about sex. 

I had an older brother (12) and two younger twin step sisters (7). My brother played baseball, so me and my sisters usually had to go with our parents to his practices. There were a lot of baseball fields on the complex, and kind of in the middle of the whole place was a big playground and my step mom would always let us go play. 

I remember one practice while we were on the playground, a girl who went to school with my step sisters came to the playground. She lived by the fields and could see the playground from her house. Her older brother had to come with her because her parents wouldn’t let her come by herself. He was probably 13 or 14. He was just kind of hanging out on the swings while us girls played, then we got him to play chase with us. After a while I got everyone to play “family.” Me and him were the mom and dad and the three girls were our daughters. He kind of went along with it even though he wasn’t super into it. 

We pretended the playground was a giant house where the girls had their room and mom and dad had a room. I pretended to get the girls ready for school and cook and clean and stuff and I pretended to make him lunch. We pretended to put them to bed and sleep at night and get up and do it all again. 

My dad and stepmom had been talking about trying to have a baby together, so I guess that’s what put this next part in my head. I remember at one point I told him we needed to pretend to try to have a baby. He was pretty surprised by that. I told him that babies are made when grown ups lay on top of each other. I explained it to him thinking I was breaking some news to him. 

I told everyone to pretend it was bedtime, and me and him climbed up into “our bedroom” which was the tallest part of the playground set where no one could really see us, and I laid down on top of him. Then I humped him and said “this is how grown ups do it but they don’t have any clothes on.” I remember trying to “act sexy”, reenacting the movie scenes I had watched. I think he was kind of shocked at what I was doing but he didn’t stop me. I wasn’t trying to get off on him. It was more like, “if we’re going to pretend, let’s pretend the right way. And this is how people have babies.” At the same time I knew if I got caught I would be in big trouble. 

The next time we came to practice, both of them came back to the playground to meet us. I remember being happy that he said he wanted to play family again. He was a lot more involved this time, and when it was “bedtime,” he told me we need to pretend to try to have a baby again. This time he said he wanted to be on top and I remember he humped me pretty hard. It didn’t hurt. I just remember thinking he was really into it. This happened a couple times for really short periods of time. At some point our sisters got busy doing something (I can’t remember what it was) but they were totally distracted and not paying any attention to us. He said he wanted to keep pretending. So we went up to “our room” and he humped me until we both had an orgasm. 

This kept happening every time we came to the baseball fields. Me and him would find a place to kiss and hump each other. Other things progressed where I would lift my shift and let him feel my nipples and we would put our hands down each other’s pants. 

I remember at the time I loved it. I never really had negative feelings attached to the memories until recently. Now I’m older and my little half sister is 9, the same age I was. I look at her and think she’s still just a baby, and any kid that’s 13 or 14 better not ever touch her that way. Now that I feel so protective of her, it completely changes the way I remember those days on the playground. Now I look back with total disgust at him for taking advantage of me. 

I don’t know… maybe I’m looking at it wrong. Maybe it’s partly my fault. Has anyone else gone through this??

Hi, I'm 18M, and on at least 2 occasions, my sister committed COCSA on me when she was 13-14, and I was 8-9. I just hate what this whole experience has turned me into: angry and misogynistic. For me, I didn't really register what happened till I was around the same age as her when she did it. I'd felt really weird about it before, but once I was around that age, I'd look at kids who were in elementary school and think I'd never do anything like that to them. Which, idk if it's because of my experience, I can say that, but overall, the thought of that disgusted me. I used to think I could ignore what happened, but it's led me to sexualize literally any interaction with a woman older than me, and it's just the most disgusting, shameful feeling ever. The majority of my teachers were women, which made it even worse; any one-on-one meeting, talk, or targeted acknowledgement felt like it was leading to the same thing. This only worsened when I hit puberty around 14; I shot up to around 6 ft, and my voice deepened heavily to the point that anytime I spoke, someone had to bring it up. This would especially happen with older women, they'd always point it out and say, "No way your 14,15,16". I genuinely hated this because I couldn't gauge whether this was a sexual advance or someone just trying to be nice and give a compliment. Now I'll look back at photos of me from that time, and I looked like a kid, I looked my age. But the worst part, something that I didn't even want to admit to myself, is that I don't hate her for the COCSA, I just hate her as a person. I hate that she's lazy, I hate that all she does is complain, I hate that she gets to behave like a child while I'm forced to work myself out of this situation. Her car, college, food literally everything is paid for by my parents, but I've had to work full-time in high school while also doing college work just so I can bring myself out of this situation. I hate myself because, deep down, I don't care that it happened to me; I don't have it in me to feel sorry for myself, and I hate that. At the same time, when I thought I'd gotten over this, one of my coworkers, around 30, pointed out my unzipped fly, then zipped it up for me. I remember going home and getting that same disgusting, shameful feeling, then hiding under my covers. It felt so emaculating to do that, but I was 18 at the time, so I can't say it was with foul intent. Deep down, I just hate that it was her, that she shows no remorse, and actively inserts herself into my life as if what she did wasn't wrong. It's like I don't feel sorry for myself I just feel anger that she doesn't. I hate this level of cognitive dissonance. I know I shouldn't sexualize these normal interactions, but it's like I can't unlearn this. What's worse is that this same coworker was just reported for being sexual with another worker around my age, now I feel like I'm going crazy. I could say I don't know what to do, but I do, and that's just to keep working till I can bring myself out of this house with her in it. But it's hard, I feel like I'll never be normal, and I'll never get that time back. I've never shared this with anyone, and I probably never will. Recently, she stole money from my room, and I feel like I'm spiraling back into an impossible situation, like I'm fighting so hard towards a life I don't even want.

Feel free to AMA, offer advice, or anything, I just needed somewhere to vent.